Love Me Like You Won't Let Go

by Toppen, Melissa

  “He’s not going anywhere, B,” Mary voices the very thing I was just thinking.

  “I guess.” I shrug, taking a sip of my wine. “Where is Allie, anyway?” I look around the busy restaurant in search of our friend who was supposed to be here nearly twenty minutes ago.

  “She was late getting out of work. She text us in our group message.”

  “She did?” I grab my cell off the table and tap on the screen. Sure enough, there’s a message from Allie displayed front and center. “I swear, I can’t get the hang of this new phone. I think it chooses when it wants to work. Half the time it doesn’t sound my messages or my calls.”

  “It’s probably something with your settings. Here, let me see it.” She holds her hand out and I drop the device into her palm.

  She fidgets with it for all of ten seconds.

  “There. That should take care of it.” She hands it back to me.

  “For a pretty technology savvy person, I sure have a lot of issues with this phone.”

  “You’re new to the brand. Give it a while. It’s always hard when you’re used to one type of phone and switch to another. There’s a learning curve.”

  “You can say that again,” I agree, setting my phone face down onto the table before reaching for my wine. “Can I ask you something?” I lean back in my chair, lifting the wine glass to my lips.

  “Of course.”

  “Do you think I made the right decision?”

  “I can’t answer that, B.”

  “I know. But in your opinion, knowing what you know, do you think I did the right thing?”

  “Listen,” she leans forward, resting her elbows on the table, “I think anytime you listen to your gut you’re doing the right thing. And I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but you’re my best friend so I’m going to anyway. Asher is all sorts of mixed up right now. He asks about you constantly, and even when he tries to act like he’s not worried or anxious because he has hasn’t heard from you, it’s clear to see he is. That man loves you in a way I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed up close. It’s all consuming. You’re the only thing he can think about. It’s taken a lot for him to stay away. As in, he’s called me several times and asked me to talk him out of going to you. He’s trying to respect your wishes and give you the space you asked for, but it’s been a battle every day.”

  “He told you that?” I ask, not able to ignore the way my heart flutters in my chest at her words.

  “He told me, but girl, even if he didn’t actually say the words I’d know. It’s written all over his face every time I see him.”

  “It’s been hard for me too.”

  “I know it has.”

  “I just don’t want to rush into anything.”

  “Is that really it? Or are you too terrified that you’ll lose him again to take that leap?”

  “Maybe a little a both.” I shrug.

  “You know he came to the church to stop you from marrying Tyler, right?”

  “He did what?” I gawk at her from across the table.

  “How do you think he ended up at your parents’ house?”

  “I hadn’t really thought about it, to be honest.”

  “I saw him at the church when I went back to get your stuff. He was pale faced and panicked, thinking he’d missed it and that you were already married. He was there to stop you, B. No matter what it took.”

  “He didn’t tell me that.”

  “He probably also didn’t tell you that Allie came to see him the day before the wedding.”

  “She what?” I draw back.

  “She went to see him. Told him unless he was prepared to lose you forever that he better do something before it was too late.”

  “Did she tell you that?”

  “No, he did.”

  “I don’t...” I start, stopping mid-sentence when I catch sight of Allie making her way toward us.

  “You went to see Asher the day before the wedding?” I ask before she even has a chance to sit down. “Why would you do that?”

  “Someone needed to light a fire under his ass. I was happy to light the match,” she tells me unapologetically, hanging her purse on the back of her chair.

  “Allison. That wasn’t your place.”

  “Wasn’t it? You’re one of my best friends, Blakely.”

  “And that gives you the right to meddle in my life?” I grind out, not sure why I’m upset by this. Truthfully, I’m not sure if her going to see him is what’s really upsetting or if it’s the fact that she didn’t tell me about it and I had to hear it from Mary who heard it from Asher.

  “Look, you were ready to marry a man I knew you didn’t want to marry and he was ready to let you even though it would have killed him. What did you expect me to do? Sit back and watch you make a mistake I knew you’d regret.”

  “You come to me,” I tell her. “How many times did we talk about Tyler? You never once said, don’t marry him.”

  “I couldn’t,” she argues. “At the end of the day it was your choice.”

  “But that didn’t stop you from going to Asher behind my back.”

  “I knew he was the only one that could stop you. And even though I love Ty and I thought you two were great together, I knew you were only going through with it because you thought he was the safe choice. Sometimes the safest choice isn’t always the best.”

  Even though I don’t like her tactics, I also can’t argue with her logic.

  “Is there anything else I should know?”

  “We both think you need to suck it up and go see Asher,” she says unapologetically.

  My gaze slides from her to Mary who gives me a nervous smile.

  “I thought you thought I was doing the right thing by taking some time to figure things out.”

  “I said it was commendable,” Mary corrects.

  “So what, you two just sit around discussing what you think is best for me when I’m not around?” I look back and forth between my two best friends.

  “I’m gonna need a drink for this conversation. Where’s our waiter?”

  “He’s right there.” Mary points to our waiter, a young guy with big blonde curls, standing two tables over.

  Allie holds up her hand and signals to him as he passes and he immediately veers toward us.

  “Cranberry and vodka please,” she orders before turning her attention back to me.

  “I’m waiting,” I inform her, tapping my foot impatiently under the table.

  “B, we love you. You know that. But you’re being a jackass,” she tells me bluntly.

  “Excuse me?”

  “You know you want Asher. You’ve known it since the instant he came back to town. I understood your hesitation when Tyler was in the picture. But honey, Tyler isn’t in the picture anymore and yet here you are, still insisting on making both of you miserable.”

  “I’m not miserable,” I argue.

  “Really?” She gives me a look that says she knows otherwise. “It’s been over two weeks, B.”

  “Is it so wrong that I don’t want to rush into something I’m not sure I’m ready for?”

  “No, it isn’t. But let’s not beat around the bush here. You haven’t been boxing Asher out because you’re unsure. You’ve been boxing him out because you’re scared.”

  “So what if I am?” I burst, lowering my voice mid-sentence when the waiter reappears with Allie’s drink.

  He doesn’t wait around to see if we’re ready to order. Sensing we’re in the middle of something, he sets Allison’s drink on the table and quickly walks away.

  “I think I have a right to be scared,” I continue.

  “You do. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least try. What do you have to lose?” She takes a quick drink. “I mean, come on, you’re living at your parents’ house for goodness sake.”

  “Only until I find a place,” I interject.

  “I know that, I’m just saying, you’ve pretty much already lost everything.”

  “Y
ou just don’t get it.” I huff, growing frustrated with this conversation.

  “We’re your best friends. We get it. We saw firsthand what it did to you when Asher left. But he’s here now and he loves you and you love him. I just don’t get the hold up.”

  “What if it’s not the same?” My voice falters and I look down, nervously picking at the edge of my cast.

  “What do you mean?” Mary asks, leaning forward.

  “I don’t know. I’ve got this picture in my head of how Asher and I used to be. What if it’s not like that again? What if we can’t get back what we had?”

  “Do you really think that’s going to be the case?” Allie asks.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Do you feel like things are different?” she continues.

  “No. Yes. Both.” I let out a pitiful laugh.

  “Of course things are going to be different.” Mary gives me a soft smile. “Six years have passed and time changes people. But I think you’ve spent enough time with him to know that the way he feels about you hasn’t changed.”

  “But what if he’s caught up in the girl I used to be? What if we do this, and he realizes down the road that it’s not what he expected? That I’m not what he expected?”

  “You can make all the excuses you want, but at the end of the day that’s all they are. Excuses. You’re afraid he’ll leave. You’re afraid he’ll realize he doesn’t like who you are now. It all boils down to one simple fact – you’re afraid in general. And I get it. But being afraid doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. If you backed out every time you were afraid of something, think about where you would be.”

  “It’s time,” Mary interjects softly.

  “It really is,” Allie agrees. “Go see him.”

  “What? Right now?” I look around the room and then back to Allison.

  “No time like the present.” She shrugs nonchalantly, taking a long drink of her cocktail.

  “And what do I say?”

  “Whatever you want to say.”

  “I can’t.” I shake my head.

  “Why?” Mary asks. “You know you want to.”

  “I do,” I admit. “I really do. He’s all I can think about. I don’t want to think about him every second of the day and yet I do it anyway. I thought that by staying away I was proving to Tyler, and maybe a little to myself, that I didn’t leave him for Asher. When in truth I think I did.”

  “Of course you did. And that’s okay. You have a right to fight for what you want. You only get one shot at this life.” Allie smiles, clearly seeing that she’s wearing me down.

  “I don’t want to be that girl. The girl who leaves her fiancé and goes running into the arms of another guy.”

  “Sweetie, it’s been over two weeks. Whatever point you were trying to make, call it made. Stop making yourself miserable over what you think people might think of you.”

  “It’s what I think of myself that’s the problem.”

  “It’s normal to feel guilty,” Mary reassures me. “But that doesn’t mean you have to punish yourself forever.”

  “You said he’s at his apartment?” I ask, still unsure if I’m ready for this.

  “Yep.”

  “Screw it.” I throw back the remainder of my wine in one long drink and stand. “Text me the address,” I tell Mary.

  “Already on it,” she says, her phone already in her hand.

  “Good luck,” I hear Allie singsong as I turn and take off through the restaurant.

  Chapter Thirty-three

  Blakely

  I make it to Asher’s apartment in record time. It’s one of the newer complexes that went up on the edge of town a few months ago

  I pull into a vacant spot outside of Building G and kill the engine. I climb from the car, my heart thudding so hard in my chest that the sound vibrates through my ears.

  I’m so focused on not losing my nerve that I’m standing outside of his door before I even realize it. Taking a deep breath, I raise my hand and knock, the sound echoing.

  I wait a few long seconds before knocking again, a little bit louder this time. Still nothing. Both relief and disappointment seep through me. To be honest, I’m not sure which one is more prominent.

  Turning to leave, I freeze mid-motion when I spot Asher as he rounds the corner of the hallway. Our eyes meet and for a brief moment the world seems to slow down around us.

  He stares at me and I stare back, neither uttering a single word. And then he begins to move. Each step carrying him closer and closer until he’s standing right in front of me.

  He doesn’t say a word; he just looks at me, an easy smile spreading across his face as he reaches out, his hand sliding into the back of my hair.

  I open my mouth to say something, anything, but before I can force a single word out he leans forward. His lips graze mine softly. It’s only a whisper of a touch and yet it has the power to make the Earth quake beneath my feet.

  “Took you long enough.” He smiles against my mouth before pulling my body flush against his.

  His lips slide along mine again, only this time they don’t leave right away. They stay there, testing, tasting. When his tongue runs along the seam of my lips, silently asking, I immediately open for him. The surge of heat that floods my body when his tongue slides against mine makes me feel like I’ve stepped out of an air conditioned room into a hundred degree heat.

  He kisses me deep, one hand in my hair, the other pressed firmly into the small of my back.

  This is not at all what I expected to happen in coming here tonight. At least not until we had a chance to talk. And even though I know we still need to, I don’t have the power to stop what’s happening between us. I’ve denied myself for so long. I’m done fighting against the pull, the chemistry, the way the Earth around us seems to hum when we touch.

  I had almost forgotten how good it felt to kiss him like this. Without guilt or reservation – to really kiss him and to let him kiss me.

  Asher begins to move, guiding me backward as he does. His lips don’t leave mine as he presses me against the door. No sooner than he does it swings open and we stumble inside, a tangled mess of hands and tongues.

  I hear the latch of the door just as I reach for the hem of his shirt. I want him. Right here, right now. I want him more than I think I’ve ever wanted anything before in my life. It feels so freeing to finally admit that to myself. To admit that this is what I’ve wanted, what I’ve been dreaming of for the last six years since he left.

  Nothing has felt right since the day I watched him board that train. Nothing. Until now.

  I break away from his mouth long enough to peel his t-shirt over his head. He takes it from my hand and tosses it somewhere behind me before he kisses me again.

  I had forgotten how consuming Asher was. How when he touches me it’s like nothing else exists in the world. He’s like the perfect drug. The perfect high that I don’t ever want to come down from.

  I don’t even realize we’re moving again until I feel the wall against my back. And when he pulls back and looks at me I swear the room implodes in on us.

  Clothes go flying this way and that. We kiss and claw at each other like wild animals, neither able to control the overwhelming urge to satisfy the six years of desire pumping through us.

  My heart beats like a cannon firing inside my chest. My body trembles under his touch. And my lungs beg for air they can’t seem to pull in fast enough.

  He strips me bare and not just of clothing, but of everything. And then he steps back. His eyes roam over my body like he’s memorizing every piece and part of me even though he’s seen me bare countless times before. He leans down and kisses my stomach, my collarbone, the side of my neck before his lips find mine once more.

  When he finally hoists me up against the wall and buries himself deep inside me, I swear to God I see stars. Nothing in the entire world has ever felt more perfect.

  I don’t know what to do with myself. My hands are everywhere—his bac
k, his hair, nails digging into his shoulders as he moves against me. I can’t get enough and yet it’s all too much at the same time.

  Then I’m falling, falling so hard I don’t think I’ll ever find the ground again. And it’s the most perfect feeling in the entire world.

  ——

  I open my eyes, my eyelids so heavy they close several times before I’m able to keep them open for any length of time. As my blurry vision clears, my gaze locks with Asher’s and a slow smile spreads across his handsome face.

  “I was wondering if you were ever going to wake up.”

  “I don’t even remember falling asleep,” I say groggily.

  “Guess I wore you out.” He smirks, reaching over to trail a finger down my arm. My skin instantly prickles.

  “I guess so.” Knowing that he most definitely did. “Have you just been laying here watching me sleep?” I cock a brow, taking in the way he’s positioned – curled onto his side facing me, and that fact that he looks wide awake.

  “Maybe.” He grins.

  “Asher.” I push him away playfully.

  “Oh no you don’t.” He chuckles, sliding me into his arms before they lock tightly around me. “You’re not going anywhere.”

  “What time is it, anyway?” I ask, snuggling into his chest. I smile at the feeling of his heartbeat against my cheek.

  “Just after nine.”

  “It’s only nine?” My head shoots up and I look around the bare apartment, feeling like it should be a lot later than that.

  Considering Asher just started moving in yesterday, he has very little in the way of furniture. In fact, the only piece he owns is a bed which he didn’t have time to assemble before I showed up. He ended up laying the mattress in the middle of the living room floor and that’s where we stayed for the rest of the night.

  “Yep.” He chuckles at my reaction.

  “Did you get any sleep at all?” I ask, laying my head back down. His fingers go to my hair and he starts mindlessly twirling the ends.

  “I dozed off a few times.” He kisses the top of my head. “But then I’d open my eyes and see you lying next to me and I didn’t want to close them again.”