by Ivy Smoak
An uncomfortable silence stretched between us. I was just nodding to sleep when she spoke again.
“Do you like him?” she asked.
“Who?”
“Felix.” Her voice was barely a whisper.
“He’s nice to me. He understands what it’s like to not fit in at school. He doesn’t make me feel invisible.”
“Yeah.” Another long stretch of silence. “He’s good at that.”
My eyelids were getting heavy now too. “Then why are you so mean to him?”
Kennedy didn’t respond. I turned to look at her, but her eyelids were closed. They must have been as heavy as mine.
***
Oh God, I’m definitely not dreaming. I ran out of my room as fast as I could, trying not to leave a trail of vomit. I reached the bathroom just in time as the contents of my stomach came back up and into the toilet. Again. Fuck my life. And again. Until nothing was left.
There was a knock on the door. “How are you doing, kiddo?” my uncle asked.
“Bad.”
“Can I come in?”
“Mhm.” I draped my arm over the toilet seat.
He walked in. To his credit, he didn’t look disgusted. He didn’t even look upset anymore. He sat down next to me on the bathroom floor, his back against the vanity.
“Do you want to talk about why you drank so much tonight?”
“I thought it was just punch. I swear I didn’t know. But for a few minutes, everything felt better. You know?”
He nodded. Somehow in that one nod, I wanted to tell him everything. Like I knew he’d understand.
“My heart didn’t hurt anymore.” I rested my head on my outstretched arm. “Like I was numb. Happily numb.”
“Numb is numb. There’s no happily about it. And being numb is no way to live.”
I closed my eyes when I felt a tear fall down my cheek. “But I miss her so much that it hurts.”
“Me too, kiddo.”
I let my tears fall freely.
“You know, you look so much like your mother. I actually caught her many times in this very same position. Right here in this apartment.”
Was that why I liked punch so much? Because my mom was secretly an alcoholic? It would explain why there wasn’t any liquor in the house.
“Only once because of drinking,” my uncle said, like he could read my mind. “But lots of times when she was pregnant with you. She had really bad morning sickness.”
“She was here when she was pregnant?”
He nodded. “Your room was hers. Until she left town in her third trimester.”
I always thought my mom was all alone during her pregnancy with me. It was us against the world. Apparently my uncle had been part of that us. And for some reason, knowing she had been here in this apartment made me feel closer to her. She had sat right where I was, sprawled out on the bathroom floor. The thought made my tears stop. “Why didn’t you two see each other more when I was little?”
“She hated the city. And it was hard for me to get time off of work.”
“Why did she hate it here so much?”
“Because your father was here.”
My father? I lifted my head. “Do you know who he is?”
My uncle opened his mouth and then closed it again.
“You do.” For some reason I thought that secret had died with my mom. I never cared about my father before she died. He hadn’t wanted me, so why should I want to know him? But ever since my mom had died, I’d thought about him more. Because maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t feel so alone if I knew he was out there. And maybe after sixteen years he’d changed his mind about wanting me. “Who is he?”
“This is a conversation for another day.” He patted my shoulder and started to stand up. “You need to get some more rest.”
“You said he was in the city. Does that mean he isn’t anymore?”
“Kiddo, your mom didn’t want you to know him. And I have to respect her wishes. I have to.”
My tears had started again. “But he’s all I have left. You have to tell me. Don’t you see that I’m drowning? I can barely breathe in this city. I’m all alone.” I started sobbing harder. “I’m all alone without her.”
My uncle knelt down beside me and pulled me into his arms. “You’re not alone. I’m here.”
He held me even though I smelled like vomit and my tears and snot were staining the shoulder of his shirt.
“I’m here.” He ran his hand up and down my back. “You have me.”
I hugged him tighter.
He let me cry until I didn’t have any tears left. I appreciated him more than I could ever say. I knew he was trying his best here.
After Uncle Jim gave me a glass of water and sent me back to my room, I lay down and looked up at the ceiling. My mom had been here. Right in this room, staring at the same ceiling I was. Had my father been here too? Had he loved her once? Was it possible that he was somewhere in this city wishing he could know me too?
I stared at the ceiling all night. Eventually the sun started filtering into the room. The sound of cars honking increased. Kennedy started to stir.
I’d come to three very important conclusions. One: Alcohol was absolutely not worth those few minutes of numbness. Two: I could never speak to Felix or Matt again after how embarrassing I was last night. Three: Secrets weren’t meant to be kept if the only person that wanted them kept was dead.
Chapter 11
Monday
Kennedy snapped a picture of me as I pulled some books out of my locker. “You know you can’t wear that all day. It’s against the dress code.”
I was wearing a hoodie with the hood pulled low over my face and a pair of sunglasses. No one was going to notice that I was breaking the dress code because I was invisible here. But I did hate the idea of breaking the rules. The only thing I hated more was the thought of Matt or Felix seeing me this morning. Or worse…trying to talk to me. I was going to hide from them for the rest of my life.
I adjusted my sunglasses. “I’m going to risk it.”
“At least you don’t have a hangover anymore,” Kennedy said as she scrolled through some pictures. “I can’t wait to develop these. Check this one out.”
I reluctantly pulled off my sunglasses to look at the screen. What the hell? It was a picture of me and Matt from the party. The fact that I was staring up at him with stars in my eyes would have been cute if I wasn’t running my hand along his jaw line. I grabbed the camera from her. “You took a picture of me touching Matt’s face? Why didn’t you stop me?”
“I thought it was like…your thing.”
“My thing? What does that even mean?!”
Kennedy laughed and took the camera back from me. “I don’t know. That you like to touch a man’s face before you make out with him?”
“Delete that picture.”
“Nah.”
“Kennedy, please.”
“Nunca.”
“Give me the camera!” I reached out for it but she lifted it in the air out of my reach. I jumped but she dodged me and I almost ran into…screw me. Mr. Hill. Who stopped. Turned. Stared down at me with that look of hatred he always gave me in my entrepreneurial studies class.
“Miss Sanders, are you going to take off that sweatshirt or will you be spending the morning in the principal’s office?” he asked.
“I’m going to take it off.” My voice was barely a whisper. And for a second I thought he didn’t hear me, because he was still standing there staring at me like I was a piece of shit he’d just stepped into. Which was ironic because he seemed like the exact kind of horrible person that would walk a dog, let it poop on the sidewalk, and not pick it up. Asshole. I stared back, wondering if he was going to wipe off the bottom of his shoes.
“Now, Miss Sanders, or I’ll escort you to the principal’s office myself.”
I pulled off the rest of my disguise and shoved it into my locker.
Mr. Hill sighed as if I was the most exhausting person in hi
s life. “Don’t let me see you breaking the dress code again or I’ll issue you detention myself.”
“Wow, the rumors about him are true,” Kennedy said when Mr. Hill was out of earshot. “He really does hate scholarship students. I mean, look at Isabella.” She nodded her head toward Isabella, who Mr. Hill had just passed in the hall. Her collar was popped and too many buttons at the top of her shirt were undone. And it wasn’t even one of the standard-issue collared shirts we were required to wear. Hers was practically sheer. Everything about her outfit was clearly against the dress code. But she actually got a friendly wave from Mr. Hill.
“Pretty sure he just hates me,” I said and slammed my locker closed.
“Speaking of hating people...” Kennedy was staring daggers at someone behind me.
I looked over my shoulder to see Felix walking over toward us. Unlike her, I didn’t hate him. Quite the opposite. Which was why I couldn’t speak to him this morning. Or ever. I was mortified about how I had behaved at his party. Kennedy said that if I had drunk a tiny bit more maybe I wouldn’t have remembered anything from Friday night. I wished that had happened. But unluckily for me, I remembered every tiny embarrassing detail.
“See you in English,” I said and hurried off before Kennedy could even say goodbye.
***
The avoidance had been going great. But I also hadn’t had my classes with Felix or Matt yet. Matt ignored me anyway, so that would be easy. But Felix? My class with him was going to start in a minute. Felix and I always ran together. Which meant I was going to have to participate in whatever horrible lesson Coach Carter had planned in order to keep my distance. Hopefully it wasn’t even outside. I didn’t want to be anywhere near the track.
I waited till the last second before leaving the locker room. I was going to be fine. But the knot growing in my stomach made me feel anything but fine.
I could feel Felix’s eyes on me as Coach Carter called attendance. When he told us the choices were dodgeball or practicing the mile, I was almost tempted to face Felix. Almost. But I’d rather literally take a ball in the face than face him. I knew it was cowardly. Sometimes it was easier to hide under a rock though. Bravery was overrated when it came to high school.
I walked over to the side of the gym with the other students that were going to play dodgeball. I glanced at Felix out of the corner of my eye. He was leaning against the doorjamb, his hands shoved into the pockets of his gray sweatpants. He smiled when our eyes met and then nodded towards the track, trying to get me to go outside with him.
I shook my head and turned my attention to the two captains that Coach Carter had just called. A new fear settled into my stomach. I was going to be chosen last. I could already picture the other students laughing. I’d successfully avoided this horrible situation until this moment. But all of them laughing at me was somehow better than Felix laughing. Which would absolutely happen if I spoke to him. I cringed, remembering how I was basically yelling at Matt about him screwing up my first kiss with Felix. My first kiss period. Felix was going to think I was such a loser.
One by one, the other students’ names were called. Well, I was a loser, so I guess Felix’s thoughts were fitting.
When only half of us were left, I saw Felix finally move. But he didn’t go outside. He started walking toward me. No. No, no, no.
“First you made me run, newb. Now you’re seriously going to make me play this stupid game in order to talk to you?” He flashed me that smile that I was growing used to being directed at me.
I shook my head. “I just really love dodgeball, it has nothing to do with you.”
Okay.” His smile faded.
One of the captains called his name almost immediately.
He ignored the captain for a second. “Are you mad at me because I didn’t text you after you left? I wanted to, but I realized too late that I never got your number.”
“I don’t have a cell phone.”
“Felix,” the captain called again.
“Can we please just go outside and talk?” Felix asked.
I kept my eyes glued to the captains. Felix would forget about me soon enough. Besides, he was wrong about us being on the wrong side of the popular crowd together. Everyone loved him. He wasn’t like me.
Felix raised his hand.
“Yes, Felix?” Coach Carter said.
“Brooklyn and I changed our minds. Can we run instead?”
“Too late for that, your name was called.”
Felix cursed under his breath and joined his team. The captain high fived him like he was thrilled he got so lucky with a late pick. Felix whispered something in the guy’s ear. And the next time the captain called a name, it was mine. There were still ten people standing here that had to be better at this stupid game than me.
I walked over to the team, keeping my distance from Felix. But he quickly appeared at my side.
“You didn’t have to do that,” I said. “I can handle getting called last.”
“I told him to pick you because we’re in the middle of a conversation. Not because I pity you.”
“Good, because I don’t need your pity.”
For the first time Felix wasn’t smiling and joking around. He looked frustrated. And annoyed. All of it aimed at me.
“Is this because of what Matt said?” he asked. “Because I swear to you, I didn’t realize you were drunk. I would have cut you off if…”
“Can we please not talk about this right now?”
“When are we supposed to talk about it then? You’ve been avoiding me all day.”
I’d only run in the opposite direction of him twice today. Not all day. Well, and the whole dodgeball thing. God, why am I about to play this stupid game if he’s talking to me anyway?
Coach Carter blew his whistle, at least saving me from answering Felix.
But it didn’t stop Felix. The game was in full swing. I was trying not to get hit, but all he seemed focused on was talking to me.
“I don’t know about you, but I had a really nice time on Friday.” He caught a ball perfectly even though he wasn’t paying attention.
“You don’t have to lie.”
“I’m not lying.” He used the ball in his hand to block one from hitting me and then launched it across at the other team. It slammed into one of our opponent’s chests.
“Nice one, Felix!” someone called.
He seemed annoyed that other people were talking to him and I wasn’t. He grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the way of another ball. “For someone who loves dodgeball, you’re pretty terrible at it.”
I laughed. I couldn’t help it.
His smile returned.
And for a second I remembered how nice it was when he’d held my hand on Friday night. And how easy it was to get lost in his eyes. I looked away.
“Is this about that thing you said about your first kiss being interrupted?” he asked. “Because I can fix that right now…”
I wasn’t sure if I was more shocked by what he said or horrified that he’d remembered what I’d said. Regardless, I was distracted when the ball flew directly at my face. It hit me right in the nose and I fell backward, landing hard on my ass.
“Jesus, are you okay?” Felix crouched down beside me and cradled the side of my face in his hand.
“Ow.” My face felt like it had been squashed. There was someone on the other side that should be a major league pitcher.
A ball hit the back of Felix’s head while he was crouched down with me, but he didn’t even flinch.
Coach Carter blew his whistle. “Felix, take her to the nurse!” he called then blew his whistle again.
The game restarted around us as Felix helped me to my feet.
“Is my nose broken?” I asked.
“I don’t think so.” His arm wrapped around me like I needed his assistance walking. I didn’t. But I didn’t push him away either.
“What the hell, Cupcake?” Felix said to the captain on the other side. “She was five feet in f
ront of you, why’d you throw it like she was a mile away?”
The captain laughed.
“Idiot,” Felix said.
“What’d you say to me?” the captain said. “You wanna take this shit outside?”
Coach Carter blew his whistle again. “Nurse. Now. Cool your loins, Joe. There’s no cursing in my gymnasium.”
Felix mumbled something under his breath as he walked me out of the gym.
“I think I have a concussion,” I said.
“I doubt Cupcake is that strong. He was just standing really freaking close to you. That guy is such an ass.”
“Cupcake?” I shook my head. “I definitely have a concussion.”
“You really never heard Joe’s nickname before?”
“How on earth is someone with the name Cupcake not the least popular person at this school?” I asked.
Felix laughed. “Cupcake’s father owns Dickson & Son’s Sugarcakes and he always brings in samples. He’s a jerk, but his cupcakes are good.”
“Private school is so much different than public school. Someone with that nickname would have gotten eaten alive at my old high school. Yet, I’m the loser here. Figures. And what the hell is a sugarcake?”
“You’re not a loser, Brooklyn.”
“I would have gotten chosen last if it wasn’t for you. Everyone at this school pretends I’m invisible or ridicules me. They don’t even try to get to know me because I don’t have money and prestige like they do. And the only reason I ever attend fancy events on the weekends is because I’m catering them. I’m a social pariah.”
“Don’t forget the fact that you’ve never been kissed,” Felix added as we walked into the nurse’s office.
I was pretty sure it was his new mission to mortify me. I could feel my cheeks flushing. “God, please stop reminding me.”
He laughed.
“Oh my, your face is beet red,” the nurse said and rushed over to me. “What hurts?” She put her hand on my forehead. “Hm, I don’t feel a temperature.”
I could feel my face turning even redder.
“She got hit in the face with a dodgeball,” Felix said. “She mentioned that her nose hurt.”
