Stigmata

by L M Adams

  The floodgates open and I let it happen, and I hold him close to me and I pray – I pray to the goddess to heal him, to help him – to show me how to help him.

  “I don’t want to be like this anymore,” his body collapses into me, as if all the fight has simply left him.

  “I know, my love,” the sickness pouring out of his soul, the feeling of guilt is what shatters me.

  He thinks it’s his fault that his stepfather molested him. It had to have been something he did – maybe if he hadn’t been bisexual in the first place, his stepfather wouldn’t have touched him like that.

  “I smell him… and I feel him touch… touching me,” he cries out in halting heartbreaking syllables. “I know it’s not… I know it’s Lucien… but I can’t…”

  My eyes burn with tears, “Shh baby, you don’t have to explain it… you…”

  “I don’t want to lose him Jae, please… I can’t lose him.”

  “You won’t, hmm? He’ll understand… just tell him you can’t…”

  “Nooo,” he howls out, “no, no, no.” He pulls back from my shoulder. His eyes bloodshot, pink tears running down his cheeks tinged with the blood that powers his body.

  “Jack… you can’t keep going like this. Give yourself time. I had trouble after Hornigold, I was only with them for a few weeks… and he wasn’t my… he wasn’t supposed to be my father, and I wasn’t a child. This is going to be hard for you, let it be hard. Let it take as much time as you need it to.”

  He shakes his head, “It was going fine, I’ve been able to handle more of it… he’s so happy and proud… But tonight he decided to touch me there… and kiss me at the same time and the two things – I couldn’t handle them together.”

  I take his hand in mine and begin to pull the bits of mirror from his flesh so he can heal.

  “Are you sure this… touching Lucien does is helping you and not just normalizing a different kind of trauma?”

  “Don’t say that!” He snaps and snatches his hand away. “Lucien loves me, he’s not my father, and it’s not trauma!”

  “Okay… okay,” I whisper and grab his other hand. Some of the shards I have to use my fingernails to get out.

  “It’s my fault, I’m the weak one…”

  “Don’t do that,” I glance at him, “you’re not weak. You’ve just been through a lot. Seeing Matthias couldn’t have helped… can you be sure you’re not rushing things with Lucien because you’re afraid you won’t have a chance with him, like you didn’t have a chance with Matthias?”

  “We’re on our honeymoon, Jae – I want to be able to make love to my husband on our honeymoon.”

  “Then why don’t you? Lucien obviously wants to.”

  “He won’t fuck me without me giving consent.”

  “And you can’t?” I ask confused about the problem.

  “I don’t want to… I want our first time to be rape. I just have to provoke him into it…”

  “What?” I hiss. “That’s what you’re trying to do?”

  He closes his eyes and leans his head back on the wall, “It will be enough to pay for the sin, and then I can be free of it.”

  “What sin?!”

  He shakes his head no… “I’ll deal with it…”

  “How Jack? You told me you can’t assign penance to a particular sin for yourself. That it was your duty as a Blood Lord to pay for it all…”

  “I can’t!”

  “So how is forcing the man you love and loves you to… violate you, going to help this?!”

  “It has to Jae; it has to, because if it doesn’t – I’m lost… I’ll never be free of it.”

  “Jack… you have to talk to me here. Explain what you mean.”

  He shakes his head no, “I’m fine… thank you… I’m sorry I worried you.”

  I can actually feel his consciousness pull back from the link. I can watch him shutdown and put on that armor, the battle gear that lets him keep out the entire world if he must.

  Something no one should use in their marriage – something he shouldn’t use against me… or Lucien.

  I was getting angry at Lucien, not taking into account exactly what Jack is. Jack is a vampire. He’s decided what he wants, and he’ll manipulate everyone around him to get it.

  Those same characteristics he hates in Demetri, that I hate in Valentine… Jack has tenfold, he is a Blood Lord after all. Sometimes I forget what Jack is, because he’s so feeling, so human, so alive… usually. Sometimes I forget he is a descendant of Azazael and Set and it would be his kind that whispered words of evil and manipulated all of mankind into doing their bidding.

  Perhaps it’s Lucien I should be looking out for.

  55

  Jack

  Jaevia refuses to believe that I’m okay, I understand why. I shouldn’t have reacted that way to Lucien touching me. I knew it would happen. At some point he was going to want to go further, that he was going to kiss me and touch me at the same time.

  He’s been so patient and kind and giving… and what do I do? I run off to the bathroom and throw up everything, sickened by the very feel of his hands on my body. I looked at myself in the mirror and shattered it with my bare fists – hating the sight of my own truth… all the while my husband stood outside of the door and pleaded with me to let him in, apologizing for wanting to love me.

  But I couldn’t find the courage to let him in, instead I cried on the bathroom floor like the weakling I am. My father would feel so vindicated if he saw me like this. He’d know he was right. He told me I was weak, that someday someone stronger would make me their bitch, how could he let me become a king if I would be so susceptible to another? Kings are not catamites; kings do the fucking… they don’t get fucked.

  Fine, fuck it… I give up. I’m not going to lose Lucien the way I lost Matthias…. Having Lucien is more important to me than being king. So I will do this, I will give myself to him.

  But first I have to get rid of Jaevia.

  “I’m fine, Jae.”

  “No you’re not, you’re masking – I’m pretty fucking good at it too, you don’t think I’d know it when I see it?!”

  I brush past her to go and grab a towel, wrapping it around my waist to cover myself.

  “Then let me mask it if that’s what I need to do! I’m tired of everyone trying to fix me!” I go to the sink to wash my bloody hands off… the cuts have already healed.

  “Jack…”

  “I’m sorry, Jae.” I sigh and lean on the sink, “you know that I love you, but I need to work this out with Lucien.”

  “Why do you need to do this so badly? We have the rest of our lives…”

  “I’m not leaving this island still a virgin,” I turn to face her, “I will give him consent.”

  She can’t mask her disapproving look… “I really don’t think that’s a good idea right now…”

  “Are you ordering me, as my Queen and Mistress, not to be with him?”

  “No,” she shakes her head with disbelief, “I would never do that.”

  “Then let me give myself to him if that’s what I want to do, if it’s really my choice. Or is it only my choice if you agree with it?”

  “Jack, you were just having an emotional breakdown, and now you’re going to go and… and…”

  “And be with the man I love, the man I want to give myself to… I want to be with him. This is the only way that can happen.”

  “You’re not ready!”

  “I’ve waited long enough to be what I wanted to be… my father stood in the way keeping me from being with Matthias – are you going to do the same? Keep me from being with Lucien?”

  Her gorgeous features fall, “That’s not fair.”

  “Answer the question,” I say firmly, forcing her to admit she has no right to get in the way… not unless she’s just like my father.

  And they believe I’m the worst chess player between the three of us.

  “I am asking you not to do this, to just wait…”

>   “I’ve made up my mind.”

  She sighs deeply, “Then there’s nothing I can do.”

  I turn back to the sink, “Can you tell him to come here?”

  “Fine, Jack… fine.”

  She leaves the bathroom; I go and grab a pair of sweats quickly. I need to have some clothes on. My heart is pounding, my stomach is turning in knots, but outside I know I look cool and calm, I know I look in control… I’ve always been able to sell a lie.

  I go back to the bedroom to wait for him, leaving the blood and bits of mirror on the bathroom floor. If he sees that, he may agree with Jaevia and refuse to fuck me… if I give him consent or not.

  The candles on the floor around the edges of the bedroom are still lit. The gentle music is still playing. I look at the bed, think to lay on it, make myself seem welcoming… but decide to stand and wait for him, I don’t want to hear his rejection of me while I’m laying down. He may take Jae’s side and decide not to do it after all.

  “Capaneus?” There’s a light tapping on the bedroom door that leads to the hallway.

  “Come in,” I call out, I try to relax my body, seem… normal.

  He walks in, wearing a pair of black pajama bottoms, the same thing he was wearing when he’d tried to… to…

  “How are you feeling?” He seems so concerned, his features, usually fierce and stern, are filled with uncertainty.

  “I’m fine, I’m sorry that happened.”

  “No,” he steps forward and stops himself, keeping his distance as if I’m a skittish animal, “you don’t need to apologize… never apologize for how you feel, Capaneus… I pushed, and Jaevia told me not…”

  “Consent,” I say, cutting him off before he can realize how right she is.

  “What?” He looks as confused as I knew he would be.

  “I’m giving you consent,” I say firmly. “I want you to make love to me.”

  “But…” he looks over his shoulder.

  “I know Jaevia doesn’t think it’s a good idea. But I am a man, and I have a right to decide this for myself. You said you would if I gave you consent… I am… do you want me, or not?”

  “Of course I want you, but we can wait…”

  I shake my head no, “I don’t know if I’ll ever find the strength again to do this… it’s now Lucien, it has to be now… or it may be never,” I whisper, my eyes burning with tears. “Do you want me or not?”

  “Do you mean this?”

  “Yes or no, Lucien? Do you love me or not?”

  He closes that distance between us, “Yes… always yes,” he whispers, and his lips are on mine.

  My entire being falls through the fabric of the universe as I open my mouth and let him inside. He tastes of heat and spice… and need… such need. Goddess yes, he wants me, he wants me because he loves me.

  Goddess forgive me for lying to him… forgive me for this.

  56

  Jack

  “Go slow,” I whisper as he breaks the kiss and begins working his way down my neck, his strong hands clutching me to him.

  “Tell me what to do, Capaneus, I shall do exactly what you wish,” he breathes out and backs off a bit.

  “Can we go outside?”

  He nods, “Yes.”

  The truth is I don’t want to risk Jaevia coming in here and stopping him… this is going to happen – it’s going to happen tonight.

  He turns away and goes to grab a small duffle bag, he puts a few things inside as I go around the room to blow out the candles. I feel a little silly – like a teenager sneaking out of the house to do something they know they shouldn’t.

  But I’m not a teenager, Jaevia is not my mother, and I can trick the man I love into fucking me if I want to.

  We head out into the tropical night air. The pathway from the back of the house is lit gently with lights. The jungle is kept clear of this small path; I don’t look too deeply into that jungle… I’m not afraid of wild animals, I’m afraid I’ll see the snake inside of me, peering back at me, from that darkness.

  The plants are full and lush, large leafed bushes and wildflowers in a brilliant array of colors. As if the Goddess of the Earth made these lands with a paintbrush and mixed perfectly the energy of life and the fear of death and knew how closely those two things existed.

  We reach the beach and the sound of the crashing surf intensifies as we make our way to the far side of the island. The small wild jungle on our left, the massive Atlantic Ocean on our right.

  He’s nervous… I’m nervous, but I hide it – because I’m better at lying than he is. I know, he asked me to never lie to him, and I promised him I wouldn’t – but this is too important. What happens next will define our relationship. I didn’t have the courage to defy my father and give myself to Matthias – I have to with Lucien.

  The patio and a large lounger sit under a heavy moon… this is it Jack – this is where you lose your virginity, the last shred of it you had left. I glance at Lucien; he looks ready to bolt.

  “Listen…” I start and he stops walking, I turn to face him. “I’m going to be nervous and…skittish, but I want you to know that I choose this, and I want this to happen.”

  He takes a deep breath, “If you wish to stop… you only need say so… you can withdraw your consent at any moment, Capaneus – it is you who are in control here.”

  Why does he have to be so fucking perfect? Dominant and sensitive? Rough and soft? Taking and giving in all of the ways a man wants to be taken and given to.

  We continue to the patio area and he sets down the small duffle on the side of the large red lounger… the material will hide the blood. There will be blood, he’s too big for there not to be.

  There’s a reason Jaevia has never done anal with him. There will be enough pain to see me through this – to hold on to my sanity. He’ll hurt me enough by just being him.

  This will work.

  This has to work.

  I hyperventilate as he undresses me, my heart beating at the speed of a hummingbird’s wings.

  “Would touching and kissing on you make this better or worse?”

  I swallow past the lump in my throat, “Worse right now.”

  “We could just lay down for a while.”

  I nod and move to the large cushioned lounger. I get on and turn to my side away from him.

  The weight of him joining me makes me clam up even further, I feel like a sheltered virgin on their wedding night… me the slayer of a thousand hearts… afraid of a bit of buggery.

  He spoons me gently and sighs, “Nothing has to happen…”

  But he’s naked and aroused, if he didn’t want to… he wouldn’t be naked.

  “You promised,” I mutter quietly, “I said the word… you promised.”

  I lay there and wait to see if he’ll follow through. He wanted a word; I gave it to him.

  Part of me hopes he’ll see how much of a lie it was, he’ll see the truth of it all and he’ll turn away… Instead I feel him shift again, I feel him rubbing himself, I feel his hand on me, covered in oil, finding my rose and coating it gently.

  “You’re going to have to relax,” he whispers gently as he pushes his finger into me.

  I whimper with confusion. I don’t know what to feel anymore.

  “Relax, Capaneus, nothing bad will happen. It’s just us, just you and I.”

  I exhale and stare off into the nothing as he takes his finger from me and presses his cock against my opening. I lay there, nothing more than a rag-tag puppet as he pushes forward into me… claiming my virginity.

  “Faggot.”

  “I’m in, it’s done… it’s done. We can stop.”

  He starts to pull out, I reach back, grabbing him around his waist… “Fuck me.”

  “Present yourself for inspection.”

  He kisses my shoulder gently and pushes in a little further, “God it’s tight.”

  Yet I don’t feel any pain, none at all… I know I should.

  “Let me see if that li
ttle hole of yours is loose.”

  “Yes, my Lord,” I whisper and bend over his desk, spreading my legs.

  When had it become so easy? When had I stopped crying while he did this? When had I started looking forward to it?

  “Have you been a faggot?”

  “No, my Lord,” I whisper and feel his hands spreading me.

  “Rouse yourself for coupling.”

  “My Lord?” I ask… frightened, he’s never inspected me like this before, it is either one or the other, not both at the same time.

  “Be a good son,” he whispers as he begins rubbing my opening gently, “be the good boy I know you are.”

  He says it so gently; he’s touching me so gently. I don’t want to ruin it; I don’t want the cane. I don’t want him to be disappointed in me.

  I reach between my thighs and find myself already getting aroused.

  “You know I do this to help you?”

  “Yes,” I whisper as the tears I don’t understand begin to fall and my arousal increases. He only wants to help me, I know it… it has to be true.

  “Don’t stop.”

  I whimper as I keep stroking, unable to deny the pleasure I feel. His fingers rubbing me so gently, teasing me with the thing he knows I wish, that I dream of.

  “You are a weakling, Capaneus, there is nothing we can do about it now. One day you will be raped, there will always be someone bigger and stronger and able to take what he wants. There will be nothing you can do about it.”

  I moan low, not wishing to at all but wanting someone to take it, wanting him to take it.

  “But I know you shall never give it to anyone, will you?”

  “No,” I whine low.

  “You’ll never be a faggot by choice.”

  “No,” I whine low, feeling the pleasure build.

  “Don’t stop,” he orders me as glides his thumb around the edges of my opening.

  “Please, fuck me,” I begin grinding back onto him, madness claiming me. “Please fuck me!”

  “I knew it! I knew you liked it! Yes, I knew you liked it.”