Stigmata

by L M Adams

  “God please!”

  “Don’t you stop, you fucking faggot!”

  He spits on my asshole and I come, god do I come… the best orgasm I’ve ever had in my life.

  I can remember the sounds of my screams as he had Matthias take the cane to me, always he made the man I could have loved, beat me bloody. Yet after I was bloodied and bruised and laying on the floor of his office, he’d send Matthias away and he always told me how proud he was of me. That I could be honest about my homosexuality with him. That I should continue to let him train it out of me. Because I understood how this was necessary for me, for him, for our people… it showed how mature I was, how I understood I needed to take responsibility for my filthy desires.

  Soon I realized the lustier I seemed while he inspected me, the more love and care he’d give me after the beatings… his pitiful son was struck with an affliction, it reinforced his belief that I would never be a worthy king – and I believed it too. Soon I came with only a bit of soft touch, soon I was sick of my own desires, hating him, but myself more. Because still he wouldn’t make love to me and I wanted that more than anything. So much so I begged for it knowing it would bind us together forever in sickness. I tried for so long to prove myself worthy of his cock and now finally he’s inside of me. Finally I feel his love wash over me like a river. Goddess thank you! I knew it was true!

  I reach down to myself and begin rubbing my cock just how he likes.

  “Yes,” he moans in my ear.

  I move back against him, showing him how good I can be to him, how obedient and pleasurable I can be. How much I love him and just need a little love in return.

  “I’m going to come,” he moans in my ear.

  “Yes, Daddy,” I whisper as I feel my own pleasure mounting.

  “Can I inside? Please, I wish to be inside.”

  “Yes, Daddy,” I moan as he holds still and finishes inside of me, no more than an inch in… too afraid to hurt his good boy. I feel his seed fill me, so hot it’s almost burning.

  “I love you, Capaneus, you know I love you. Come for me, I want you to come for me.”

  Daddy is always kind when he touches me. I orgasm just like he likes, again and again, he’s just milking the sickness out of me, that’s all. He’s getting the poison out, the weakness, so that one day I can be a king… I will have the silver eyes; he has to train me to be a king…. Kings don’t like this sort of thing.

  “Look at you, Capaneus! You’re a fucking faggot now, you’ll never be a king. How could you ever be a king? How could you ever be my son?”

  And I feel my soul shattering, the black obsidian being smashed; I feel the memories surrounding me and I drown in it all. Realization fills me, the worlds of the past and the present separate and I realize what I’ve done with a horrifying wakening.

  “Capaneus?”

  Lucien’s voice pulls me back from the sound of my shattering soul. My eyes open with the night beach picturesque in my view – yet still I can see the shards of the black obsidian fall. I can hear them hit the black sands I can hear the blood ocean roll over them.

  I feel my soul break apart as he pulls from my rose.

  “Capaneus?” He sounds worried. Horribly fucking worried.

  I know I want to comfort him, tell him that I’m okay. But it would be a lie and that’s a lie I cannot tell right now. Right now I just need… I need to be away.

  “Just… I need a moment,” I whisper and sit up. It hurts, not an unfamiliar pain, a pain I know, yet different in some way. “Just…” I stand up, something pulling me towards the waters, needing to be in the water.

  “I need a moment,” I whisper again as I turn and walk towards the waves that crash upon the earth.

  The water is colder than I expected to be, yet I don’t shrink away from it. I welcome it, ready for the numbing effects. I’m feeling too much; I need to feel nothing.

  Across the horizon nothing but inky darkness above me the sky filled with white spots of light and a heavy moon. I walk forward into the cold embrace of Neoma, I cry out for her, needing her comfort.

  “Please,” I cry and fight against the waves, fighting to get to her.

  The water hits my thighs and I keep walking forward, my stomach, my chest, finally I am deep enough to dive beneath it all and begin swimming. I swim and I swim and when finally I cannot hold my breath any longer, I surface, yet I keep swimming. Kick legs, swing arms, turn head, take a breath. Kick legs, swing arms, turn head, take a breath… lean into Jack, lean into the pain, lean into it until it consumes you because at the center of it all… there is quiet, there is quiet in the eye of the storm if only you can find it.

  I swim even as exhaustion takes hold of me, and still I swim. I save nothing for the swim back, I cannot go back if I cannot find her, if I cannot rebuild my prism. I cannot live without it.

  The chill of her fills me and finally I stop swimming and let myself float in the ocean of her energy. My body moves with the waves, riding the currents of her magic. I feel the power of the moon, she above me bright and large, her waters around me and I give myself over to it. I call on her curse, the terrible power she gave to me just so I could bear it all.

  Yet still I search for peace – for the quietness in the nothing. I inhale a deep breath and turn, diving beneath the surface… still searching for my calm within this storm.

  Very little moonlight filters down beneath the waters, but I don’t care, I don’t need to see – I just need to not feel. The dark cold of the ocean calls to me and I answer that call. I dive and dive until my lungs burn and I know that even I – Blood Lord and vampire… needs air to breathe.

  I stop, suspended in the waters the vibration of sound and feeling and life surrounds me and yet seems so very far away, something more like a thought of a thing and nothing of flesh and bone, nothing of heart and mind – nothing that can be ripped apart.

  Goddess help me I try to find a way to separate myself from all of this… from everything that I feel, but it doesn’t seem to work, not like it used to, not like I need it to.

  I scream, expelling the used air from my lungs, I rage to the goddess as the fury of air leaves me and floats to the surface, a thing I should do as well, but cannot manage it. Instead I inhale, goddess help me I inhale and take in the water into my body, just wishing to be clean again inside and out, wishing to find peace again – even if that peace will only be found in death.

  My body jerks as my lungs try to draw in air but only find the crushing chill of the deep waters. I’m filled with the pain of my body seizing in revolt, refusing to die without a fight when all my soul wants to do is pass on. I can feel my body shut down slowly, my heart slow, my blood still… I can feel every part of me die and I know even that will not be enough.

  The crushing darkness comes… finally… finally and I close my eyes to let the deep take me.

  I’m aware enough to feel his arm wrap around my waist. I know who it is, I will always know the feel of him, flesh, aura, power – I know all of him as he knows all of me, even if some things were not meant to be known.

  He begins pulling me up… back to the surface and the memories of the horrors I was trying to escape. I want to fight him off, but my body is in the middle of dying and I can’t manage it.

  We surface and he squeezes me low on my stomach, forcing the water out of me by sheer force of will. I cough as my body heals the damage immediately, making me like new once again. Disobeying the laws of nature, making a dead thing breathe, an old thing young, a broken thing live.

  “Get off of me!” I scream and jerk from his arms.

  “What is wrong with you?!” He turns on me, furious, his eyes no longer eyes but pits of raging fire.

  Tell him! Tell him that you are dying inside, and you can’t fucking fix it, you just can’t be the man he wants – tell him and let it all be damned if it must be, but let it at least be truth.

  Yet instead I mutter, “Nothing,” and begin swimming back to the island.
r />   He swims behind me, watching me, making sure I don’t go off and try to kill myself a little. I would have surfaced, just in a moment or two, I just needed the quiet and the calm… just for a bit – but I don’t get to have that. Not with him.

  Chaos; since the day I laid eyes on him he’s done nothing but bring me chaos in a world I thought I’d understood.

  The swim is long, I went out further than I thought and if I didn’t have the eyesight of a vampire, I wouldn’t be able to see the small island at all. If I’d been human, I would have been long dead… but I’m not – more’s the pity.

  I had hoped the swim back would have calmed me, but as my feet find the sandy shore once again, I’m just as angry and frustrated as ever.

  “What was that about?!” He starts right back up as we reach the beach.

  I head for the seating area and cabinets to get a towel.

  “You will fucking answer me!” He grabs my arm and yanks me around to face him.

  I expect rage, and yes that is there, but under it is a layer of worry, thick and full and it rolls over my tongue like raw bloody meat… it tastes like my heart.

  “I went for a swim; can I not do that?”

  He looks back at the ocean and then back at me, “That was not a swim, that was madness.”

  “Well maybe I’m insane,” I turn around and open the cabinet to get two towels; I throw one at him so I don’t have to look at his naked flesh anymore.

  I dry myself off a bit and wrap the towel around my waist. He’s still standing there, staring at me, the towel in his hand.

  “I’m fine…”

  “Did you just try to kill yourself, Capaneus, tell me….”

  “No! I don’t know,” I run a hand through my wet hair and look away.

  “Because… we made love?” He asks in shock.

  “That wasn’t making love, that was a pity fuck!” I snap. “You fucked the needy faggot.”

  “Faggot?... Pity fuck?”

  “Just forget it,” I brush past him and begin the walk back to the house.

  How could a creature like him understand a creature like me?

  57

  Jack – After sex

  Awkward… there is absolutely no other way to describe the mood between Lucien and me. All of it is my fault. I’ve got a bad attitude, and nothing is fixing it.

  He tries to approach me… I turn away. I don’t want his pity – I want his kindness and understanding even less. Jaevia has even tried to approach me, needing to try to fix me so she can go back to having her perfect little happy world… I turn away from her as well.

  Whenever Lucien and I are in the same room, I’m snappy at him, taking every chance to be glib. It’s not even some master plan of mine to top from the bottom – it is just simply a defense mechanism… I need him to not love me, not love me the way that he does anyway.

  It didn’t work. I tried it his way and it didn’t work and now my chance to make myself clean is gone. I’m not a virgin to a man any longer… that was it. The last sacrifice I could have possibly made, the last penance I still had to offer that would have been enough… I needed it to be enough to atone for my sins. To somehow make the fact that I desired my stepfather in such a filthy way… disappear.

  I seclude myself as much as possible – in so far as that’s possible on a private island that’s all of a half mile long… I should have bought a bigger island.

  The sun is close to setting. I’m walking on the beach on the far side of the land, where I made the greatest mistake of my life. It’s our last night and although I should be with them, I can’t bring myself to go back and I can’t figure out why.

  Maybe I’m angry at him… angry because he’d convinced me, at least on some level, that letting him make love to me like he wanted would make it okay, would fix me… but it didn’t – I drowned in the memories of my father while Lucien’s body was inside of mine. My thoughts were filled with filth while he worshipped my existence… and I really needed it to work – oh goddess help me – I needed it to work.

  “Will you let me apologize at least, Capaneus?”

  I turn, heart in my throat, he’s right there… no more than a few feet away. I look around trying to figure out where he came from.

  He looks good, why the fuck does he look so good? Tall and dark and strong… wearing a pair of loose white shorts and a white tank. His hands in his pockets as if he’s… nervous.

  “I am willing to do whatever is necessary to make amends.”

  “What?” I ask confused.

  “Perhaps if you penetrate me…”

  I scoff, shaking my head no… in disbelief, “Can you stop offering me pity sex? I don’t need your fucking pity.”

  “It is not pity, it was not that night, it never shall be.”

  I sigh looking away.

  “We don’t have to, ever again, we don’t have to touch or…”

  “I knew it…” I feel my eyes begin to burn.

  “What did you know?”

  I look back at him, “That I have too much shit with me. That once you really knew, you wouldn’t want me anymore.”

  “I will always desire you, Capaneus. You are my husband. But your health is more important than my carnal needs. Tell me what you wish of me, tell me how to make this work so that you can have happiness.”

  “I don’t know what to do,” I whisper. “I…”

  “Don’t stop… tell me… tell me what it is, and you shall have it.”

  “Go back in time and kill my father before he molests me?”

  His face falls and I sigh closing my eyes, hanging my head, “I’m sorry…”

  “Why are you apologizing?”

  I look at him again, “I don’t really know… it just seemed to be the right thing to do. I know you can’t change the timeline.”

  “I would risk it for your happiness.”

  I actually smile, “Do you always have to be so perfect?”

  He grins, cocky, like he does, “Oh, aye? You think I’m perfect?”

  I look at the sun setting behind the ocean, “Better than me at least.”

  He scoffs, “This I am not…” he sighs, “I knew you weren’t ready.”

  “I pushed…”

  “That does not absolve me, I knew you weren’t ready, but I wanted to be able to fix you. Jaevia says I always wish to fix the broken things – instead of loving them as they are… she is right.” He turns to face the ocean, “We will not have sex again… until you are truly ready.”

  “How will we know when?”

  He looks at me, “The day you give me consent, not just with words… but with your heart and I am the only man you are thinking of when I touch you.”

  “That day may never come…”

  “Never is a long time when we have forever.”

  And even I know that if there was a man who could wait for forever, who could be patient until the sun burned out and the earth grew cold and the moon fell from the skies above – it would be Lucien.

  “You’re a stubborn bastard.”

  “Aye,” he shrugs.

  I can’t say everything feels fixed after our talk, but I do feel better. Maybe we did rush things, or maybe I will never get to the point where I can have that kind of sex with him. Perhaps this is our curse… we’re both good at that – being cursed.

  Another thing I am good at is hiding the damage, pushing on – and I’m able to find a way to do that again and walk with him back to the house. We both feel Jaevia’s desire to have us by her side to spend our last night. But I need to know what I’m walking in to.

  “Did you tell Jae?” I ask in a whisper.

  “That you tried to kill yourself or that we had sex?”

  “I wasn’t trying to kill myself.”

  “Yes to the sex, no to the haphazard suicide attempt.”

  I stop walking, “I wasn’t really trying to kill myself…”

  He turns to look at me, “What were you doing then Capaneus, and do not tell
me you just went for a swim.”

  “I didn’t want to die – at least… not…” I sigh frustrated, “I just wanted that part of me to die… or to just go away.”

  “What part?”

  I don’t respond just looking at him.

  “Honesty with me, Capaneus, or this does not work. You’ve lied to me enough.”

  I owe him honesty now at least, especially after tricking him into fucking me.

  “What part of you did you wish to die?” He repeats the same damning question.

  “The part of me that only thought of my father while my husband made love to me.”

  “That is what happened?”

  I sigh and nod, looking away so he won’t see the tears – I can already feel my eyes beginning to burn, “It all came rushing back and… I felt his touch… and his body… I heard his words.”

  “Why did you not say something? Your body was like you enjoyed it… I felt your pleasure!”

  I look back at him so he can see the sickness.

  “No,” he whispers.

  I exhale and turn away walking back to the house.

  “No!” He grabs my wrist, I turn to face him, my heart breaking yet again into a million pieces.

  “Leave it be! Just leave it be please!”

  “I cannot leave this be,” he yanks my arm up behind my back and I scream with surprise.

  “Shut up,” he growls and pulls me closer, trapping me between the hardness of him and the pain in my shoulder.

  All the fight washes out of me as his dominance beats down on me. Yes Lucien, oh god yes make me.

  “Mm hmm,” I feel his hand between our bodies as he undoes my pants.

  “Please don’t,” I beg him as my passions rise.

  “I’ll touch you if I want, no snapping of my fingers, nothing but the fact that you are mine! Not his!” He yanks my arm up harder, forcing me to lift my body up on my toes, keeping me off-balance, “I fucking own you.”

  “Fuck,” I whimper, loving every minute of this – he’s giving it to me just how I like it. Goddess, I fucking love it.

  He leans into my throat, nuzzling me, “Did you just try to keep it away from me? Hmm?”