Let Loose for Me

by Coffman, Georgia

  When Kendall finally shows, her hair flies backward as she basically runs to the table.

  “What’s the rush?”

  “I’m late,” she says innocently, shrugging her backpack off and pulling out her laptop.

  “And you thought jogging the last few steps would help?”

  She throws her hands up. “Okay, okay, but I got too excited about this shoot tomorrow. Thanks again for letting us use the studio.”

  I nod, searching for a server, then look back at her. The laptop screen comes to life, and the light reflects off her face, turning her blue.

  “I thought we were here to eat?”

  “We are. But I need your help.” She turns the computer around to me and points at her Instagram.

  “Okay, what am I looking at?”

  “I haven’t posted anything since this morning, and I’ve posted way too many selfies in a row. Give me some ideas!”

  “Post tomorrow?”

  Her shoulders slump dramatically like the time I told her we couldn’t get a beanbag chair for our living room—it’s not practical. “I need content ideas. My following is growing, and I’m thinking about shaking things up. Keeping my page fresh and fun. This shoot tomorrow will help. It’s for a new apparel company. They’re still small, but they’re gaining momentum.” She smiles widely, seemingly waiting for me to give her a great idea.

  “What about that contest you entered?”

  “Winners haven’t been announced yet.”

  “What about your pictures from other shoots?”

  “I haven’t done any in a while. Between wedding planning, my shifts at the shoe store, and your studio, I haven’t had much time.”

  I nod as the server takes our order. Sipping on my water, I don’t say anything, still picturing Ty by the pool in his tattooed glory.

  “So? What else could I post?” Kendall asks, slurping her water like a child would a slush drink.

  “Maybe you should tell your followers that it doesn’t matter how hard you try or how fit you are. You still won’t be good enough. So do yourself a favor and quit. Then, eat some Ben & Jerry’s.” I shrug, then avert my gaze to the quiet restaurant.

  Kendall jerks her head up. “Wow. I’m trying to take your mind off Ty, but clearly, you’re not up for it.” Closing her laptop, she gives me her full attention. “You weren’t even this screwed up when Brant cheated on you.”

  She’s right.

  I was devastated and angry with Brant, but I focused on things I could control in my life—my job, apartment, and diet. I focused on being positive.

  But I don’t have the energy to summon any positive thoughts like I normally would. All I want is to push my face into a bowl of mac and cheese.

  I tried and tried to remain positive when my dad left us. When my mom drank too heavily, and I had to pull her head out of a toilet. I watched her night after night to make sure she didn’t choke on her own vomit.

  I was fifteen when her nights of binge drinking became frequent.

  It got worse and worse until I left because my aunt moved in with us and started taking care of her.

  I tried to remain positive time after time when Ty pushed me away. When he told me it’s better for us to be apart.

  I have no more positivity left.

  I’ve just been on autopilot for weeks, trying to let my responsibilities keep me busy, but it’s not working.

  Our server places our food in front of us while I’m still thinking. I push the rice around on my plate, my stomach in knots and aching.

  “How did you do it?” I ask Kendall carefully.

  “What?”

  “I hate to bring it up, but after Adam, how did you regain your confidence? Your fire? Your purpose?” I sit back in my seat, curling into myself, and wait for her to get upset that I mentioned he-who-should-never-be-named—her ex-boyfriend.

  But she doesn’t move. She only stuffs a bite of food in her mouth, letting a piece of rice fall off her chin without noticing. The usual mess.

  “You don’t have to answer, but I thought it might help me. I’m starting to think I never really found my fire. I just threw myself into as many projects as I could just to take my mind off of Brant and what he did. I was trying to find myself while also distracting myself. But now, with Ty…” I lick my lips, not having felt this vulnerable since I was a kid. “I don’t feel like myself anymore, like it’s my fault people I care about, leave me.”

  Kendall puts her fork down and lays her hand over mine on the table. “Look at me.” I do as she says. “I know exactly how you feel, albeit for different reasons. I was young with Adam. And he was toxic. Brant was just a douche. He changed. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “I uprooted my life for him. I’ve never been so pathetic about a guy.”

  “You love it here.”

  I hold her gaze, knowing her words are true. No matter how or why I ended up in LA, I love it here. It’s why I never moved back home to Alabama after the breakup; I found a home here among the palm trees and salty air.

  “Listen.” She finally straightens her back—her poor posture was making my skin crawl—and says, “You want so badly to take care of people. You give and give and give, and while we, myself included, all appreciate it, you never take. You give until you have nothing left, like now. You feel defeated and lost without someone to take care of. You feel like no one needs you.”

  I sink into the booth farther, her words hurting me more than when Bible school Maggie told me I’m going to Hell because I use tampons. She claimed they’re Satan’s products meant to sneakily steal our virtues.

  “Like with your mom.” I flinch, opening my mouth to object, but she cuts me off, waving her empty fork around. “I know she’s your mom, and I love her, I do. But you taking care of her alone all those years when it was supposed to be the other way around, it was very good of you, but you lost a lot of your teen years. When you were supposed to be finding yourself through reckless and dumb mistakes.”

  I gulp, then blink away the tears welling in my eyes.

  “That’s really why you moved out here, isn’t it?” she asks tentatively, smoothing her shirt down like she’s afraid of me.

  “I just told you I moved out here for Brant.” I bite my lip, trying to keep the tears at bay as the conversation takes a turn I wasn’t expecting.

  She tilts her head, her smile sad. “He didn’t ask you to move out here. Didn’t even tell you until a week beforehand.” She pauses like she’s waiting for me to catch up. “Your aunt was taking care of your mom, so you saw an opportunity, right?”

  I fidget under the table, then whisper, “I wanted to start fresh. Be free. But I felt too guilty.” I peer up at her, wondering if she thinks I’m as terrible as I feel. I’ve never admitted any of this out loud, and the words taste bitter, like I drank a bottle of vinegar.

  “There’s nothing to feel guilty about.” She smiles at me, her brown eyes twinkling. “It’s time for you now. Not to be reckless and dumb, although that’s something I would so enjoy.” She winks and squeezes my hand. “You need to focus on what makes you happy instead of trying to do that for others. Do it for yourself, not because you have something to prove to others. Self-care is important, which includes facials. Let’s get one this weekend, by the way.” She points at me. “Samantha Ray even suggests an hour of meditation in the morning.”

  I grin, knowing that meditation is a good idea.

  “You need to spend time alone, in silence, where you can hear the voice inside you. Where you can grow the fire that’s in there. And be you again. Okay?”

  She’s raised her voice, attracting a small audience. “I think everyone says, okay.”

  “Good. Now let’s eat because this rice is cold already. Next time you need me to kick your ass into shape with my words, let’s do it over salad or the cheap wine you like to buy.”

  “It’s because it’s cheap that I buy it.”

  “It tastes like shit.” A couple grains of rice
fly out of her mouth as she emphasizes the last word. She again doesn’t seem to notice, as a small sprinkling of rice now surrounds her bowl.

  I shake my head, my hands itching to clean it up, to help her, but this is exactly what she was talking about.

  My need to take care of everyone. My compulsion to feel wanted.

  Kendall changes the subject back to the shoot tomorrow, then the wedding in a month.

  I take a deep breath. I’m strong.

  Confident.

  Worthy.

  She’s right. I need to focus on myself. To stop using my work as a hiding place. I need to relight the fire within me to do good for my studio and clients. For the shelter.

  For myself.

  Content with the way this afternoon turned out, I decide to go into the studio and get things ready for Kendall’s shoot in the morning.

  I arrive just in time to catch the end of Wren’s Zumba class.

  “How was class?” I ask her once she thanks everyone for coming, and I help her tidy up.

  “Good. A lot bigger than my last, so I’m hoping that’ll continue.” Her eyes light up as she tucks a strand of short wavy hair behind her ear.

  I smile, happy about things picking up around here. It’s hard to find loyal clientele when there are so many studios to choose from in the area. I got pretty lucky that the previous owner was so popular her guests took a chance on me, most of whom stayed.

  Wren helps me wipe down the mirrors and sweep the floors. As the sun sets, Wren packs her bag and makes her way to the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Settling on the bench by the door, I check my phone and find a Snapchat from Kendall at the gym saying she’s near death and will listen to me from now on about the dangers of pre-workout. Yesterday, I advised her to take half the suggested serving, but she insisted on taking the whole scoop.

  Then she bounced into the gym like a kangaroo.

  I shake my head, knowing she’ll continue to take the full scoop, anyway. She’s impossible, but that’s why I love her.

  She adds the flair to my life I really need.

  I look around the room, soaking it all in. I opened two years ago and have come so far. To the point where I can comfortably afford my life here in LA with help from Kendall and Wren. I could even hire a fourth instructor and be fine.

  I’ll be fine, I tell myself, but the ache in my chest makes it hard to believe the words.

  “It’ll take time,” I mutter.

  My phone rings, the sound echoing in here. Ty’s face lights up my screen. Confused, my heart caught in my throat, I debate answering it before curiosity gets the best of me. “This better not be a butt dial.”

  There’s a pause on the other end, and for a moment, my heart sinks, thinking it is an accident that he’s calling after so much silence. But then I hear his soft exhale. “No, I needed help picking out what to eat. Haven’t had much all day, and I’m starving.”

  “You haven’t eaten?”

  “Well, I had a six-inch sub, so basically a Tic-Tac.”

  I laugh softly, feeling weird yet comfortable with him. Like we’ve remained friends all this time, even though I haven’t heard from him in weeks.

  Albeit, no matter how much time has passed, my feelings for him haven’t changed. My heart reaches out to him all the same.

  “I really just wanted to hear your voice.”

  I sigh into the phone, my fragile heart melting. “You can’t say that shit to me anymore.”

  “I love it when you talk dirty to me.”

  “Are you drunk? Is that why you’re calling?”

  “No, no. I’m very sober.” There’s another pause before he asks, “How are you feeling?”

  Still confused by his call, I can’t deny that I like hearing his voice too. And his question reminds me of all the times he checked in on me. How much he cared about me at one point.

  I lie down on the bench and answer his question. After all, I knew from the beginning he would hurt me, but I’m realizing it was all worth it.

  It was worth it to feel the things I did when I was with Ty.

  It was worth all this heartache and distrust I’m feeling now for those few stolen moments of pure bliss—physically and emotionally.

  “I’m fine,” I say. “I’m actually better than fine.”

  “Ouch.” There’s a playful tone to his voice that’s comforting. “Okay then, I’m taking my bruised ego and jumping into a ditch now.”

  “Yeah right. My insult can’t penetrate an ego the size of yours.”

  “That’s because your insult is weak. You can do better than that, Jones.”

  “Okay, how about I’m so fine today I even let my hair down?”

  “Wow, is this truly Emma I’m speaking to? What happened to once a ponytail girl, always a ponytail girl?”

  “I was feeling particularly wild today.” I run my hand through my hair, lifting my head to scoop my straight mane to the side.

  “Damn. Maybe you should toss your white sneakers in some mud too. Really live a little.”

  “Hell no. What do you have against my clean sneakers?”

  “It’s what serial killers do in their spare time. Seriously, it’s weird.” He chuckles into the phone, sending shivers throughout my body like he’s here, whispering in my ear. “And the way you arrange your pancakes once you cut them up? Like you’re creating your own puzzle? That’s just freaky.”

  “I like order. What’s wrong with that?”

  “Is that also why you iron your jeans?”

  I cover my smile with my hand. “Is this why you called? To make fun of me?”

  There’s silence on the other end of the phone.

  “Ty?”

  “No, I’m not teasing you. Sometimes I think the universe sent you to tease me. You’re so good, Emma. You’re more than good, and I blew it.”

  I gulp, sitting up from the bench. I was enjoying the banter, the fun Ty, the one who didn’t make me want to curl up and suck my thumb. “I have to go.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  My phone rings with another call coming through. I pull it back and see it’s Kendall. “I know.”

  “See you in a few weeks?”

  “Yeah.” I sigh, then hang up to answer the other call, my chest heavy because even though it’s nice to have his apology, it doesn’t change anything.

  And I have to see him in a few weeks. At Kendall’s wedding. At a joyous occasion where I’ll have to swallow my urge to kiss Ty.

  He’s not mine.

  Thinking back now, I wonder if he ever was.

  “Are you ready?” Kendall screeches.

  “Only if you threw out your pre-workout.”

  “No way. I paid good money for it.” There’s shuffling on her end. “I’ll just take it in small doses from now on. For real.”

  I lock the door behind me and head to my car, promising to meet Kendall and Sebastian at our apartment for movie night before I hang up.

  “Haven’t seen you in a few weeks.”

  I turn to see Tarryn standing next to her car, twirling her keys around. Nodding, I say, “It’s been pretty hectic.” And I’ve been avoiding you since we went to that dinner. “How are you?” I offer, taking in her paler than usual skin tone and her messy ponytail. She looks tired.

  “Fine. How’s Ty?” She tilts her head to the side, her lips pursed, and that’s when I notice the hurt in her eyes. Which is when it hits me. She’s only human too. A girl with feelings and insecurities and only wants to be loved.

  Never thought I’d say this, but she and I have a lot in common.

  I swallow the lump in my throat, replaying his apology in my head over and over. It sounded like he meant it, although his voice was full of resignation about the way things are now—us being apart. Shaking my head, I force a smile. “I wouldn’t know. We haven’t hung out in a while.”

  “Not surprising.”

  Rolling my eyes, I open my car door. “Wow, thanks. I’m going now.”

/>   “No, I didn’t mean because of you. I just meant because of him.” She steps toward me, then turns back to her own car.

  “Why?” I can’t help but ask.

  She smiles sadly. “He doesn’t seem like the forever type.”

  “I guess not. But were you looking for forever?”

  “Aren’t we all?” She shrugs, her question throws me off. Has it been that long since I’ve seen her that so much has changed? She was a real piece of smug work a little while ago. Nothing like the seemingly fragile woman in front of me now.

  She fidgets with her phone in her hand, then turns her gaze downward. “I’m sorry. For what I said at dinner. I’m sorry for being such a bitch. It wasn’t about you. It wasn’t even about Ty… I was just dealing with some stuff, I guess.”

  “Aren’t we all?” I repeat her own words back to her, offering her a small smile. “If you ever need to talk, or whatever…” I wave between the studio and us. “I’m here.”

  “Thanks. Likewise.” With that, she heads into her kickboxing studio. I’m left stunned that we actually had somewhat of a conversation. That she even provided me some insight, let alone an apology.

  And she’s right. Ty’s not the forever kind of guy. But I am that kind of girl. I want the family and the doting husband and the backyard where we can barbecue.

  To create the wholesome family I never had.

  I deserve that, but it makes me sick to consider accepting that it won’t be with Ty.

  CHAPTER 48

  Emma

  “Where is she?” Kendall’s sister Lauren barges into the dressing room. “She’s not dressed yet?”

  I turn toward her. “Are you surprised? We all know by now she somehow missed the ability to tell time.”

  “You’re absolutely right, but she’s going to be an hour late at this rate. Grandma Fae can only withstand the heat for so long.”

  “Have her wait inside!” Kendall yells from the other side of the bathroom.

  “What’re you even doing?” Lauren calls back, banging on the door. “Come out already.”

  Kendall cracks the door open at first, then pulls it all the way open. “Does my makeup look okay? I changed it just a little. The eye shadow was too heavy for me.”