Let Loose for Me

by Coffman, Georgia

  “You look great,” I say.

  She nods, her eyes watering when they land on her dress. Smiling, Lauren and I help her put it on. It’s a spaghetti-strapped dress that hugs her curves and falls to the floor with a small train. Her breasts are pushed up in a delicate, feminine manner that’s tasteful yet sexy.

  We thought it was perfect for her beach wedding. Although, up until last week, her mother still tried to convince Kendall to fly home for a church wedding—the endless battle between those two.

  “You’re stunning, Kendall,” Lauren says, dabbing at the corners of her eyes.

  I do the same as she twirls in front of us.

  Once we put the finishing touches on her hair and gather our bouquets, it’s time for the ceremony.

  I round the corner with Lauren and the flower girl in tow, then bump into a groomsman.

  Not just any groomsman, though.

  Ty.

  I bump into Ty, dropping my bouquet, as Lauren sidesteps him and coos at the flower girl who wants her mom.

  “Wow,” he says to me, bending down to get my bouquet. “You look…”

  I self-consciously smooth my pastel green dress down and wait for the end of his sentence. Lauren called it “puke green” and insisted we change to something more pleasant, so Ty’s statement could go either way, really.

  “… gorgeous. You always look good in green. Brings out your eyes.”

  “Thank you.” I give him a small smile and tug at the collar of his shirt to smooth it down. Dropping my trembling hands back down to my sides, I meet his gaze. “You look great too.”

  I move around him to get in line, but he stops me. His mouth hangs open, but nothing comes out.

  We’ve said all there is to say, but it doesn’t change the fact that we want different things.

  And what he wants isn’t me.

  As much as it stings, I keep telling myself this was always supposed to be the ending for us.

  Once in line, Ty steps beside me, offering his arm so we can walk down the aisle together. We still don’t speak, but the tension between us makes my head spin. As much as I want to move on, I have a long way to go, because even walking down the aisle, my arm through the crook of his, I want to keep it there.

  The guests stand as Kendall makes her grand entrance, a tear falling down my cheek as she makes her way to Sebastian. When they face each other, the rest of us turn too, my eyes landing on Ty’s on the other side.

  He’s troubled. Heartbroken. And I am too, as I wonder what it’d be like for him and me to stand this way for our own wedding. To vow our love for each other. To hold hands and grow old together.

  I swallow the tears back. This is a joyous occasion, and it’s not about me. I have to be here for Kendall, to be a good friend and stop wasting more time on something with Ty that’ll never be.

  When it’s time for the vows, I give Kendall the wrinkled piece of paper with her handwriting scribbled all over it. She insisted I just wrap it around my bouquet, even though I told her it’d be better to laminate it and keep it in a folder under the first chair with her mom.

  Of course, she scoffed at my sensible suggestion.

  She winks at me when she takes it, tears in her eyes, her lips trembling. “I thought I went to Vegas last year to celebrate my sister’s forever. I never imagined I’d find my own. Sebastian, you’ve been there for me, fought for me, ever since then. Even when I didn’t think I was worth it, you made sure I believed I was with all you did, and still do, for me.”

  I dab at my eyes, my gaze wandering to Ty again. He’s focused on me, watching me with an intensity that can only be described as love, yet there’s a distance there that guts me.

  Forcing a smile, I’m happy Kendall and Sebastian worked out their differences. Happy she got her fairy-tale ending.

  By the end of the ceremony, I’m hopeful that maybe someday I will too.

  CHAPTER 49

  Ty

  Emma looks happy, although her face falls when it’s time for us to walk back together.

  But she’s beautiful, with her hair in loose curls around her face and shoulders, down her back. Her green dress is short, and she’s not wearing her usual heels. She’s different, with her sandals and pale nail color.

  She frowns up at me when I offer her my arm, but she takes it, anyway, and I breathe a sigh of relief to be touching her again.

  I finally finished a painting of her, although the eyes aren’t quite right. Pretty sure even Picasso couldn’t capture the right color.

  For weeks, that painting was all I had. And now she’s walking next to me, her arm through mine, and it makes my head spin.

  When we turn toward the audience, I keep my eyes on her. I catch her small glimpses at me before she turns away, her head angled unnaturally to the side like she’s trying too hard not to look.

  Like it would give her true feelings away, and if there’s anything I know about Emma, it’s that she’s strong and prideful, even when she’s hurting.

  And I know she’s hurting because I am too.

  She scans the crowd, and I imagine there are people here who know her and are glad to see her. She and Kendall are from the same hometown. They grew up together, so they know many of the same folks who flew in for today.

  People I have a million questions for about Emma.

  I want to know everything about her. I didn’t know her as a teen or before, but having this group of people here to tell me is the next best thing.

  But Emma’s not going to introduce me to any of them.

  Not after it ended between us.

  By the time we reach the end of the makeshift aisle lined with flowers in the sand, my stomach’s in knots. “Em…”

  With only a curt nod, she moves toward another bridesmaid and leaves me standing here alone, kicking the sand at my feet. I walk toward the water while the guests disperse toward the reception hall—Sebastian’s hotel. It’s a bit of a walk, but no one seems to mind as they gush about what a lovely ceremony it was.

  The beach is mostly empty. There’s only a family down the way playing with their dog.

  Taking my shoes off, I roll my pants up and sink my feet into the damp dirt. A wave washes over them, and I close my eyes, listening to the seagulls.

  Charlie loved the beach. She used to send me pictures every time she went to Coney Island to watch the water. She hardly went for the rides or hot dogs, but instead, to walk along the beach.

  Many of her beach paintings are scattered around my apartment, some on display, some in the closet. They’re reminders of her. Reminders of what I lost—my sister and a large part of myself.

  “Nice day.” Leo’s voice interrupts my thoughts. “But you look like shit.”

  I laugh humorlessly. “Thanks, oh wise one.”

  “What’re you doing out here?”

  “I’m enjoying the day, sinking my toes in the sand, breathing in fresh air… and fighting the urge to drown myself in this water.”

  “That’s not funny, you know.”

  “I’m not laughing.”

  He exhales, removing his shoes too.

  “I lost her. I tried to keep her, but I couldn’t give her everything.”

  He rubs his chin before gripping my shoulder. “Then you don’t know her that well.”

  “And you do?” A terrifying thought grips me by the heart and balls that Leo and Emma have been spending time together. I’ve had my head up my own ass for months. Maybe I missed their budding friendship? “What the fuck do you know about her?” I step toward him. “Have you been going behind my back?”

  Leo doesn’t budge, even though I’m a couple inches taller—the tallest of the whole group. His muscle doesn’t compare to mine, either, but his confidence beats me and the rest every time. He uses his head a lot better than any of us know how, like a fucking Jedi with his stupid mind games.

  “Well?” I keep on, my voice trembling, thinking he’s done irreparable damage.

  “If you think I’d go be
hind your back, then you don’t know me either, brother.” His face falls in disappointment. His hurt eyes darken. “I’m on your side, Ty. You know I’ll always put you first. Which is why we’re having this discussion right now, because I want you to have a good time tonight. It’s Seb’s wedding.” He peers over his shoulder at the disappearing crowd. “I want you to let go of what haunts you, for only tonight. See how you feel. See what it’d be like to let go for a while. That’s not to say you forget your sister. No, never forget her. But think about what she’d want for you. Would she like seeing you this way?”

  I swallow back the tears, ready now more than ever to let the sea take me far away. It’s so close. The pull too enticing.

  I wouldn’t constantly feel the pain.

  I’d find peace.

  Leo walks backward, one hand in his pocket and his shoes in the other, like he’s leaving this decision up to me. Like I have a choice in the matter. Like I can really put aside all the hurt and anger and longing for things to be different.

  But for tonight… maybe I could put it aside for just one night.

  The sun’s already setting. I can imagine the music as though the violin is playing right next to me. The laughs to be had.

  I’d only have to forget for a few hours—it’s definitely an appealing idea.

  Taking one last look at the vast ocean in front of me, my feet frozen from the cold water, I turn toward Leo’s retreating form as he heads up to the reception.

  I can forget for tonight.

  Ed Sheeran’s “Perfect” plays through the speakers as I walk up to the hotel where the guests are raving about Kendall and the flowers. I hear one sourpuss say it should’ve been in a church, but then she smiles into a macaron and says she’s happy with the dessert selection, though.

  I smile, thinking she’s probably from Alabama, with her hat that’s more suited for the Kentucky Derby than an LA beach wedding.

  “There you are.” Lauren grabs my arm and tugs me to the side. “We’re taking pictures and need all the groomsmen.”

  After pictures of me trying not to stare at Emma the whole time, we head to the reception.

  Emma stands as far away from me as possible, but my eyes never leave hers, even as I take a sip of tequila on the rocks with lime.

  “Dude.” Jordan bumps into me. “Stop staring so hard. You’re fucking depressing me more here than when we go out.”

  “I’m not depressing. I’m a lot more fun than you and shy dick over there.” I point my glass at Raf who’s on his phone next to the bar, oblivious to the long-legged goddess with pouty lips next to him. He looks up like he knows we’re talking about him.

  Jordan waves him over, then turns back to me. “You used to be. Those are the keywords. You used to be fun.”

  “I don’t have time for your shit.” I set my empty glass on the bar. “And don’t drink so much tonight. Your embarrassing country accent comes out when you’ve had too many whiskeys.”

  He scoffs, running his hand through his hair, but I don’t wait around for his comeback. Instead, I walk to Emma, suddenly feeling as nervous as I did when I tried asking Stacy Cowen to dance at the spring fling. She was way out of my league and shot me down before I could even get the question out. Scarred me until I was fifteen and had gotten rejected so many times after that, I was numb to the humiliation.

  Until now.

  I pull Emma’s hair over to one side and whisper in her ear very warily, “Dance with me?”

  She stiffens in response. Stepping in front of her, I take her hand and tug her toward the dance floor.

  I don’t let her think too much. This is a night of doing, not thinking. We both need this, to just let our bodies take over without the mind games or annoying logistics.

  It’s just us.

  I place my arm around her waist and pull her close, while my other hand holds hers over my chest. She relaxes into me, her body letting loose for me, letting me lead.

  Her body recognizes mine, and a feral need consumes me as I inhale her coconut scent that I missed so much.

  I think about the night Sebastian and Kendall got engaged and how I felt Emma up in the liquor closet. I have half a mind to do the same now, at their wedding months later, to take her just for the night.

  As I hold her, I realize how much I’ve missed her.

  “Don’t look at me that way,” she says, her cheeks blushing. “Kendall’s ninety-year-old grandma Fae is right behind me. She’s going to give me a lecture on pre-marital sex and having children out of wedlock. Again.”

  “Again?”

  She rolls her eyes. “Once, she caught me at the grocery store holding hands with my high school boyfriend. He and I both got an earful next to the Froot Loops.”

  I throw my head back and laugh. “Those were the days.”

  “Yes, when I ate sugary Froot Loops, and they didn’t go straight to my ass. They were magical days.”

  I hold her even more tightly, her dedication to fitness and clean dieting a major turn on for me. Not because of her body, although it’s definitely kept me awake most nights with my hand down my pants.

  But it’s because it reflects her strength and passion for fitness and the other things in her life. She doesn’t half-ass anything.

  She’s all in.

  But I would be half-assing it with Emma if I kept stealing naked moments with her. No matter how sexy and raw and passionate they are, it’s not fair to either of us. I can’t keep taking from her without giving her everything.

  She deserves everything.

  Instead of going down that road, I gulp and rest my head on hers, reminding myself of the promise I made Leo.

  To let loose just for the night.

  When Emma looks up at me through long lashes and those mesmerizing green eyes, it’s easy to let go.

  CHAPTER 50

  Emma

  “I’d like to take this opportunity to thank our guests.” Kendall’s father stands tall at the microphone as the music fades. “I know it’s a long way from Alabama, and most of y’all on our side haven’t even been out of the state. So thanks for making the trip out to LA for this joyous occasion.”

  A few people in the audience laugh, the familiar faces smiling. It’s been a while since I’ve seen them. I haven’t gone back to Alabama much since I graduated high school.

  I pull away from Ty as Mr. Gray continues his speech, but I stay close, breathing Ty in for a few last moments before I walk away from him.

  The wedding is almost over.

  After tonight, there won’t be any reason for Ty and me to see each other regularly. He stopped coming to my classes a while ago. He won’t be coming by my apartment with Sebastian anymore since Kendall will no longer live there.

  Ty lives in Vegas, and I’m in LA.

  We’re worlds apart, in every sense of the phrase.

  This is it, and I want to soak in the last of my time with Ty Alesana before he drowns himself in a bottle of Patron and women and really forgets I exist.

  As for me, I’ll walk away, pour myself into my volunteering and yoga studio like I’ve been doing the last few weeks as I get my life back on track.

  My heart breaks a little each time Ty cuts his eyes at me while Lauren gives her speech. He smiles at me, but his eyes can’t hide his pain. Not anymore.

  And I can’t take it away.

  I’ll never be able to offer him the comfort he needs. Not like Naomi obviously can.

  No matter how much I wish I could.

  But even if I could, he can’t give me what I need.

  I clap at the end of Lauren’s speech as she dabs at her tears with the back of her hand. Walking to her husband Rhett, she kisses him on the cheek and bends down to take their baby from him.

  My own tears build, stinging my eyes at the picture in front of me.

  I’m so captivated by them I miss Ty going up on the small stage for his speech. His voice cuts through me, even though he’s not speaking to me at all. “I met Sebastian in co
llege. We’ve been friends ever since, and I just have to say… Kendall, you can do a lot better.” The guests erupt in laughter while he chuckles along. “I mean, seriously. I shared a dorm room with that barbarian. He has no idea how to shave or wash his own dishes. Once, he seriously used hand soap and his hand to clean a plate like a caveman.”

  “Tell them the rest of the story,” Sebastian calls out from his seat next to Kendall at the head table. “Tell them the truth.”

  “All right, all right. To be fair, I’m the one who taught him that.” He shrugs, and everyone continues laughing. “But the truth is, we learned a lot from each other, good and bad habits. I apologize in advance to you, Kendall, for all the bad ones he learned from me. All the good things I know, I learned from him. He’s one of the best guys, and I couldn’t be happier that you two found each other. In this universe that doesn’t always show us mercy,” his voice cracks, “I’m glad it brought you two together. Cheers.”

  He holds his champagne flute in the air, and the rest of us do the same, except for a few from our old conservative church who don’t drink alcohol. They say it’s the Devil’s poison.

  Ty downs his glass, then steps off the stage into a large group hug with Sebastian, Leo, and the rest of the guys from Naked Heat.

  He doesn’t look at me right away, but when he does, his gaze is intense.

  It’s full of lust, anger, and more pain. Always the pain that holds him back.

  But I guess it always does, to anyone.

  He was right. The universe doesn’t always go easy on us. Life isn’t easy. It hurts all of us in one way or another, and Ty? He got some of the worst of it.

  And he never recovered.

  I wipe the tears I didn’t realize have fallen, for once not caring that my makeup is smeared. I can fix it later.

  Right now, I need a drink.

  As I walk to the bar, Bailey rushes over to me in her black slacks and cute pinstriped apron. “Thank you again for hooking me up with this job. I’ll be moving into my own apartment in no time.”

  “Of course. Happy to help.” I nod, forcing a smile.