Let Loose for Me

by Coffman, Georgia

  “Hey, are you okay?” She touches my forearm so gently I could cry harder, but I take deep breaths.

  In and out.

  “Yes.” I find Ty across the room, my voice dropping. “Just trying to figure out how something that felt so right could’ve turned out so wrong.”

  She follows my gaze, understanding dawning, and she gives me a sympathetic smile.

  Another server waves Bailey over, and once I promise to let her know if I need anything, I finally get my drink.

  I’m ready to celebrate.

  To dance.

  To forget about my own romantic troubles when I’m attending the most beautiful wedding I’ve ever been to. A wedding for two people who deserve it—that’s more than enough reason to celebrate.

  Before I get too far, there’s a crash. I rush toward Bailey when Kendall’s Aunt Ida jumps from her seat. Shrimp cocktail sauce is splattered across her shirt, and broken glass glistens around them as Bailey attempts to right the tray she almost dropped.

  “I’m so sorry,” Baileys says, her face the color of the cocktail sauce. “Let me help you get cleaned up.” She frantically turns to her side, and I cover my mouth when she accidentally elbows Ida’s six-year-old son in the nose. “Oh my God,” Bailey shrieks as the boy erupts into tears.

  “Oh heavens.” Ida’s face pales. She pulls her son toward her to inspect his face, then turns to Bailey. “Using the Lord’s name in vain will not help the situation, dear.”

  “Oh my Go—” Bailey stops herself. “I’m so sorry. I’ll be right back to clean this all up.” Bailey whips around, right into Leo, who seems to have appeared out of nowhere.

  I reach Bailey, gently touching her arm as some of the guests around us cover their mouths and talk in hushed tones. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes, yes.” She nods, trying to smile through the tears.

  “Ma’am, if you and your son come with me, we’ll get you taken care of.” Leo escorts Ida and her son toward the back of the hotel. “We have a state-of-the-art washer in the back that could get even red wine stains out of anything. This sauce will be no problem.”

  Bailey’s shoulders slump in obvious relief, and I rub her upper arms. “It’s fine. Things happen.”

  “Yeah,” she says with a shaky voice. “I’m going to help Leo and get a broom for this.”

  “I’ll come with you.”

  “No, you stay. Have fun. I didn’t mean to ruin your good time with my clumsiness.”

  “It’s no problem.”

  Just as Leo comes back toward us, Bailey shakes her head at me.

  “We have it handled,” Leo reassures me, and if Bailey’s face could get any redder, it does when she looks up at Leo.

  “You don’t have to help, either. Go enjoy yourself.”

  “It’s all good. I told the kind lady we have a washer in the back that uses gravitational pull to get stains out.” He chuckles under his breath.

  “You didn’t.” Bailey gasps, covering her giggle with her hand.

  Leo leads her back toward where he took Ida. “I didn’t. I actually just thought of it. Maybe we can tell her together.”

  Bailey’s laugh fades as they disappear, and some of the other servers come out with cleaning supplies.

  I slowly back away since they have it under control, and most of the guests have now resumed partying.

  We continue the rest of the night dancing with Kendall and Sebastian. They don’t play any more slow songs, so we dance in a big group with our friends and family way after the sun sets.

  And it’s definitely a night to remember.

  As the night comes to an end—the party must end eventually, after all—my throat clogs up, my chest aching from the lonely nights to come, especially while Kendall’s on her honeymoon.

  Then she’ll move into Sebastian’s apartment. They’ll start their new life together, and even though I’ll still see them often, it won’t be the same.

  But all the champagne I drank helps numb it for now.

  It takes the edge off enough to where I’m not sobbing on the bathroom floor somewhere.

  It keeps my mind from wandering to the what-ifs and what could’ve-beens.

  Laughing into yet another glass of champagne before I take a gulp, I swallow and say, “Where’s the after-party?”

  Several of those remaining shake their heads laughing. Ty takes the empty glass from my hand and says, “I think this is enough partying for you for one night.”

  His words sound slurred like mine, so I take his glass too. “For you too, then.”

  He laughs. “But I can control my alcohol a lot better than you.”

  “That’s because I don’t often drink. Seems I only need one when you’re around.” I stick my tongue out at him, meaning it as a joke, but he doesn’t respond.

  When I gaze up at him, the corners of his mouth droop in a frown, and his eyebrows are drawn together.

  I straighten up, clearing my throat. “I’m going to see if Kendall needs anything, then probably go home.” I nod, turning to find my friend, but Ty pulls me to him in a hug.

  His arms around my waist with my back against his front.

  His face nuzzled into my neck.

  His warmth.

  He’s all-consuming. I wrap my arms around his, trying desperately to express to him how much I’ll miss him through this embrace.

  Because no matter what happened between us and what will never be, he became a friend and so much more. One I care about deeply, and the thought of not seeing him or hearing his voice again, it guts me.

  More tears fall down both sides of my face, not caring who sees. With a tight-lipped smile over my shoulder, my hand falls from his.

  And he lets me go.

  Again.

  CHAPTER 51

  Ty

  The next morning after the wedding, I wake up with a headache worse than any hangover I’ve ever had. Like the Spring Break trip in college when I passed out by a pool, my hand in the water, and woke up with a headache, crick in my neck, and a sore back that kept me out of the gym for days.

  This is worse.

  Much, much worse.

  Because my heart is torn in two.

  Leo stopped me last night when he saw Emma and me hugging goodbye. He saw her tear-stained cheeks. After she walked away, he pulled me to the side and asked, “Are you really letting her go? You’ll never find another who’ll make you happy like she did.”

  His words replay over and over as I rub my eyes roughly.

  Our hug felt final.

  It felt too final, and it broke me. I grabbed a whole bottle of champagne from the bar and drank it all once I got back to my hotel room and crashed.

  Literally.

  With my face smashed into the pillow.

  I drag myself out of bed, pull pants on, and stare at myself in the bathroom mirror.

  Dark circles under my eyes.

  Creased lines in my cheeks from where I slept.

  A frown the size of a rainbow but nowhere near as colorful.

  I run Leo’s words over and over in my head. The way he said them like he was tortured. Like he knew exactly what it was like to find and lose love. I couldn’t see it much through my drunken haze last night, but it kills me now. There’s so much I don’t know about him, even though he knows everything about me and the guys.

  But no one’s there for him.

  I know what that feels like. The minute I found out about my sister, I felt the Earth swallow me into Hell, reliving the same ugly moments like I’m a victim in Lucifer, doomed to repeat all I was guilty for.

  Guilty that I didn’t protect Charlie.

  Guilty that I didn’t get her justice.

  But last night felt different. With my promise to Leo to enjoy myself, I saw things more clearly. I was surrounded by friends and the woman I care about.

  I had fun.

  Until our fucking hug.

  I splash water on my face, trying to calm my racing heart. My aching back and neck s
cream at my jerky movements as I quickly move through the suite, dressing and grabbing my wallet and keys.

  I don’t have a plan or know what I’m doing. I don’t know what she’ll say or if this will end well. She’ll probably knee me in the balls for yanking her around like I have, but I have to chance it.

  Charlie would’ve wanted me to.

  She wouldn’t want me to continue with dark, puffy eyes and premature wrinkles. She’d want me to be happy and full of life, like she tried to teach me. That’s all she wanted. It’s why she used to turn all that Cole DeWitt did to me into positives. He smeared mayonnaise in my notebooks? I’ll get a new, better one. He shoved me to the ground? Only teaches me to be stronger.

  I drive as fast as the Beetle in front of me will allow—who even still drives one of those?—thinking about what my sister would say to me now. Would she say I’m a fucking idiot for refusing to be with Emma? Then her answer would be that I needed time to figure out what I wanted. Time to do what I needed in order to be the best for her.

  And even if Charlie’s not here to talk me through it, to meet Emma and watch me mess up over and over again, I feel her with me. She’s always been with me, like a guardian angel, and I’m not doing her or anyone any good by drowning myself in tequila.

  Twenty minutes later, I repeatedly knock on her door until she opens, until I can look into her green eyes and do something I’ve never done with a girl.

  Grovel.

  Beg.

  Cry.

  Anything necessary.

  But she doesn’t answer.

  After three minutes of me banging on the door, there’s no answer or any shuffling on the other side of it. In my haste, I didn’t even check to see if her car was outside.

  “Stop that noise!” I jump at the sound of the Asian woman from the apartment across from Emma’s. “Too loud!”

  I hold my hands up. “I’m sorry, but have you seen the girl who lives here? Is she home?”

  “Who? The lesbian or the hussy?”

  I chuckle, confused by her question. “Uh… no. Emma?”

  “Yes, the lesbian. She’s out.”

  “Um…”

  “Go. No more noise.”

  “Right. Sorry again.” My breathing quickens as I race back down the stairs and jerk my car door open. Fuck.

  There are two other places she could be at this time.

  Once I reach the studio, I jump out and run up to the door, pulling on it with so much force I surprise even myself with my strength. I run until I see her black hair.

  Her porcelain skin.

  On her yoga mat, she stands straight, her back stiffening. Slowly, she drops her hands and faces me, her lips twisting at the sight of me.

  “Hey.” God, could I be any more lame?

  She shuts her mouth, still obviously weary.

  “I had fun last night.”

  Her eyes widen in horror, and she looks to her side and back at me, her head shaking. That familiar blush tints her cheeks in the way I love. “Ty, I don’t know what you’re doing here, but don’t.”

  My heart squeezes knowing this is my only chance to make it right. Twisting my hands in front of me, my eyes trained on hers, I blurt, “Emma, please just let me explain. I don’t want to lose you. I’ve been going through a hard time, but that doesn’t give me the right to be an ass and—”

  Someone to my left clears their throat, and now I turn my head, eyes bulging in mortification.

  Mason stands with his hands on his hips, Bailey covers her giggles with her delicate hands, and ten other people stand around them. They all stare at me, engrossed in the show playing out in front of them, waiting for me to go on.

  I turn my attention back to Emma, my face now heated. I feel like I did when Cole DeWitt and his buddies stuffed me in a locker, just like on the Nickelodeon shows I used to watch. I sat there in the dark until the principal heard me, and that’s probably the most embarrassed I’ve ever been.

  Until maybe now.

  I stand frozen, while Emma stays in place, her amusement evident as she covers her small smile. With a deep breath, reminding myself that I’m no longer a dorky teen, and I’m comfortable with stripping for a living, I back away. “I’ll just wait for you out front.”

  Pacing next to the bench outside, I wait for Emma’s class to end. It’s the longest ten minutes of my life.

  Mason and Bailey are the first to exit, but I don’t stop to exchange pleasantries, not that Mason would give me any more than hateful, threatening glares.

  I don’t stop until I’m standing right in front of Emma again, her small frame hunched over her mat before she stands to roll it up.

  “I had fun last night.”

  “You said that already.” She eyes me, her expression not readable. “Is that all you came here to say?”

  “Yes, and so many other things.”

  “Which are?”

  “I’m sorry, for starters.”

  She drops the mat and crosses her arms, taking a step back from me.

  “Last night… when I hugged you, I meant it as a goodbye.”

  She turns away, her eyes reddening with tears, so I step toward her until I’m only a foot from her.

  “But I don’t want to say goodbye. I don’t want to be without you. Seeing you again… the thought of walking away for good rips me apart worse than any pain I’ve ever felt.”

  She clears her throat, but her voice still cracks when she speaks up. “I told myself I wouldn’t take you back. I wouldn’t trust you. I deserve more than you pushing me away every time I get close to you.” She swallows as if to steady her voice. “We want different things, after all. I want love, and you’re not ready for it.”

  “I can be.” I take her hands in mine, kissing along her knuckles, my heart shattering. She doesn’t trust that’s what I want, and I need to convince her it is.

  She pulls back, her hands dropping by her sides, her voice stronger with more certainty. “I don’t know if you can.”

  “Em, I can. You make me want to live differently. You’ve made me see there’s so much more out there for me. Last night,” I swallow, my breathing labored as I start to panic, “Leo asked me to let go for just a night. To exist in the present without the nightmares or the past. So I did, and I danced with you. I touched you. I held you close, and I don’t ever want to stop.”

  I think I’ve lost when she squeezes her eyes shut, but I continue, anyway. “He asked me to pretend, but with you… I don’t have to. You make breathing easier.”

  She lets her tears fall, remaining silent.

  “Please give me another chance.”

  Before I realize what’s happening, she scoops up the yoga mat and smacks me repeatedly with it—hard. “Hey, what the—”

  She grunts loudly in frustration without a word, just continues hitting me with her mat, which is supposed to be soft and calm, but right now is anything but. She stops, only to curse, then resumes.

  “Will you…” I step back trying to get away from her assault. “Jesus, stop… that!”

  “No!” She lets out another groan. “What do you want from me? What am I supposed to say? That was so fucking romantic, but how am I supposed to believe you?”

  I try to grab the mat, but she yanks it out of my reach. I’m two inches from her face, her chest heaving, red spots spreading down her neck. From this close, I notice her trembling lips and the fire in her eyes that I missed. The wildness that exists underneath the pristine hair and red lips.

  I take a chance once her expression softens and lean in before saying, “A drink.”

  “What?”

  “I asked you for a drink all those months ago, and I really wish you would’ve said yes. So, I’m asking again.”

  The corners of her lips pull down in a frown. “It’s not even noon,” she says matter-of-factly.

  “So? We can go for mimosas and Bloody Marys. Maybe order brunch.”

  “No.”

  “Just one hour, Em. Can I have tha
t?”

  “No,” she says more weakly, then looks down at her fingers, her demeanor crumbling right before my eyes. When she lifts her head back up, her expression changes from angry to sad to defeated. “You let me go last night. You said goodbye, I felt it. It’s what everyone does. They let me go, and I’m alone.”

  I gulp, tears of my own rising. “I’m not leaving this studio, or you. If you want to continue whacking me with your yoga mat”—I spread my arms—“go for it. I’ll take it if that’s what you need.” Dropping my arms back to my sides, I wait for her response. I’ll wait as long as it takes.

  She studies me, seemingly contemplating my offer, before sighing. “Just one drink. Nothing else.”

  “That’s all I’m asking.”

  She looks down at herself, her chest rising slowly, and back up with lips twisted. “I have to change first. Not going out with these neon pants and sweat running down my back.” She wipes her hands down her sides like she’s nervous, and her eyes—they shine. “Follow me back to my apartment?”

  “Anywhere.”

  “Let’s start at my apartment and go from there.” She rolls her eyes, but a tiny hint of a smile appears, making my body relax just a fraction.

  “Right.” My body instinctively jerks in her direction, wrapping her in a hug. I want to kiss her, to peel said neon leggings off, and take her on her yoga mat, not caring that the windows will expose us. “It’s a date.”

  I pull back and give her a kiss on the forehead, my lips lingering, happy to be touching her again in any form. She’s offering me a small way in, and it’s more than I could’ve expected from her. It’s a chance to convince her I’m in it for the long haul.

  She reaches down to pick the yoga mat back up, but I grab it before she does. “Oh no, this thing is too dangerous to be in your hands. I’ll carry it.” I tuck it under my arm and follow her outside.

  We reach our cars when a car beeps nearby, and a woman greets us. “Hey, look who’s back.”

  I turn and inwardly cringe. “Hey Tarryn. How are you?” I give her a small nod, then peer at Emma to make sure she’s okay.

  To my surprise, they hug and smile at each other. What the hell?

  “Hey,” Emma starts. “I tried the spaghetti squash recipe you gave me, and it was amazing. I had to fight Kendall off so she wouldn’t eat the whole thing!”