Thabo, the space dude

by Lori-Ann Preston

  www.lapa.co.za

  To my daughter Jessica, for always dreaming and believing alongside me.

  SATURDAY

  Best day of the week! This is the day for staying in my PJs and improving my PlayStation levels, which are two VERY IMPORTANT things!

  Just as I was starting to enjoy a particularly good gaming session, my parents called me into the lounge for a "little chat".

  OBVIOUSLY, I ignored them.

  My on-screen character was flying around, observing the cool world I'd created. I really didn't need to be disturbed.

  On the third call, when Mama raised her voice, I sighed, paused my game and headed for the lounge.

  I knew that if I continued to ignore them, I'd probably end up DEAD MEAT!

  My parents said they had "exciting news" for me.

  Do they think I'm still five?

  I knew EXACTLY what their version of "exciting news" meant.

  Something SERIOUSLY SHADY was headed my way!

  Last time they had "exciting news", it was to tell me I was old enough to start doing chores around the house.

  → Worst day of my life.

  The time before that, they thought I was old enough to start waking myself up in the morning.

  →→ Second worst day of my life.

  The time before that, I was told that Gogo was moving in permanently.

  →→→ Third worst day of my life.

  Don't get me wrong, I love my Gogo. But she insists on giving me sloppy kisses on the mouth – EVERY DAY.

  It's quite disgusting.

  Not to mention ... G R O S S !

  But, today's news had to be the most HECTIC of all. Actually, I'm still in shock.

  Today, my loving parents informed me that we're moving ...

  to MARS!

  You heard right. Not Johannesburg, England or Australia, but M A R S ! ! !

  I can't possibly move to Mars.

  Mrs SnoreMore (when she talks, we snore), has just seated me next to Mbali in maths class. I've been waiting my whole life for this.

  Finally, Mbali (the girl of my dreams, with perfectly braided hair) might notice me.

  And now I have to move to Mars!

  My life is an EPIC failure!

  I'm sure you have a load of questions by now, so I guess I'd better answer some of them.

  >> WHO AM I?

  My name is Thabo, and I'm eleven. Eleven is such a non-age; no longer a child, but not yet a teenager. I guess that means I'm a "tween".

  I really wish I could just get through this age, move on and become a teen – even though the thought of getting pimples completely FREAKS me out.

  "Thabo" is also such a non-name. I tried getting my friends to call me Mr T, but that never happened.

  When I say friends, I actually mean only two: Kurt and Zen.

  Zen's name is short for Zenyongzhenghei, so I guess I shouldn't complain about my name too much. His is WAY dodgier.

  >> WHY MY FAMILY?

  My Tata is an astronaut. (Cool, right?) And my Mama is a geologist. (Not as cool.) They both work for The Mars Embassy, which is based in our town, eMonti, South Africa.

  The Mars Embassy has been working on a plan to establish life on Mars for many years.

  Evidently, they've been sending robots up to the planet to 3D-print an entire settlement for us. Now, they're finally ready for the first launch.

  UNBELIEVABLY, out of all the families in the whole entire world, my family has been selected to go on the first launch. I kid you not!

  >> WHAT IS THE REASON FOR GOING TO LIVE ON MARS?

  My so-called smart parents are totally excited about this trip to Mars because they are convinced that Earth will one day be completely covered in water, thanks to global warming.

  Apparently, it is essential that a new human settlement be established on a different planet if human life is to continue.

  A settlement in a far-off galaxy always sounded like a really cool idea – until I found out the human settlement included me! Talk about seriously rotten luck.

  >> HOW WILL WE BE TRAVELLING?

  We'll be travelling in a space shuttle! I have to admit, that kinda excites me. Apparently, it's going to take 260 days to travel the 401 million kilometres to Mars. According to my calculator, that's the same as travelling around the world 10 thousand times. Totally insane!

  >> WHEN ARE WE LEAVING?

  We launch in one month! Y I K E S !

  Daily record of activities for week 1

  SUNDAY

  → 28 DAYS until our space shuttle blasts off to Mars.

  I'm still in shock!

  If I'm honest, I guess my life is a little pathetic. With my co-ords, I'll never make it onto the first rugby team.

  I have zero arm muscles and (just between you and me) I still haven't kissed a girl.

  But, things aren't so bad that I need to move to Mars!

  How am I expected to survive without Kurt and Zen? And PlayStation? And McDonald's? And surfing? And pizza? And movies?

  I honestly don't think my parents have thought this through very well. It's fine for them – they've got each other. But what have I got? Gogo?

  >>> Shoot me now, please.

  I tried desperately to come up with ideas to get out of this terrible mess:

  PLAN A: CATCH MEASLES

  That would involve finding someone with the actual measles. Fail!

  PLAN B: BREAK MY ARM

  I climbed the jacaranda tree in our front garden, right up to the second highest branch, and prepared to jump. I closed my eyes and counted to 100.

  While I was counting, the thought crossed my mind that with my luck, I'd probably break my neck instead of my arm, and I'm definitely too young to die.

  So, that was the end of that plan. Fail!

  PLAN C: SHAVE ALL MY HAIR OFF AND PRETEND TO HAVE RABIES

  I stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom and practised making spit drool out of my mouth. (I was quite good at that.)

  Next, I practised pulling zombie-like facial expressions. (I was also quite good at that.)

  Once that was complete, I walked into the lounge acting deranged. This plan completely backfired. Mama sent me to my room and banned me from watching TV for "making fun of Martians".

  And, if that wasn't bad enough, my cruel mother has made me start this Space Logbook.

  I tell you one thing for sure: if Mama thinks for one second that I'm going to keep a record of my thoughts and feelings, she's completely INSANE!

  Hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow morning to discover this was all a dream.

  MONDAY

  → 27 DAYS left on Planet Earth.

  So, it isn't a dream.

  →→→ IT'S A NIGHTMARE!

  As soon as I opened my eyes, Mama demanded I get writing for "future generations", so they can learn from my experience. Honestly, who in their right mind would want to read a book about a kid moving to Mars?

  Just as I was thinking my life couldn't get any worse, it did! Today, Mrs SnotBrain (our principal) announced in assembly, in front of the whole school, that I was going to Mars.

  →→ TOTALLY EMBARRASSING! ←←

  I just sat there wishing I could dig a grave and bury myself. When will adults learn that if there is one thing we kids can't stand, it's being put under the spotlight?

  The whole day was a blur of schoolmates either congratulating me by bashing me on the back, or staring at me as if I were some sort of alien. (I'm going to Mars guys, I'm not from Mars.)

/>   The last thing I wanted was to become a freak show, which incidentally, is exactly what happened!

  Well, at least some good came out of it. Mbali said "Hi," to me.

  True story. She actually said: "Hi, Thabo." She knows my name. She loves me. I've already planned our wedding.

  The thought has crossed my mind that it could be a little tricky for us, what with living on separate planets. But that's a problem for another day.

  TUESDAY

  → 26 DAYS left on Earth.

  After school today, Kurt, Zen and I decided to bunk chess practice and work on a plan to smuggle the two of them onto the space shuttle with me.

  Kurt is my best friend. He's kind of a dork, but you didn't hear that from me. We've been friends for forever. I don't mind his dorkishness that much.

  On the first day of Grade R, we both thought it would be fun to flush plastic dinosaurs down the toilet.

  We were right! It was great fun drowning dinosaurs. That was until the triceratops got stuck in a wad of toilet paper and blocked the system.

  O O P S !

  The teachers only realised there was a blockage when poop started floating down the corridor and kids started screaming and running for their lives as poop missiles came careening towards them.

  As punishment for our actions, we had to spend an entire week of break times sitting under the teacher's table. That cemented our friendship.

  It was a happy accident that Zen became our friend. Zen is captain of the chess team and he always comes first in class. He arrived at our school last year after his family emigrated from China.

  When our teacher asked who would "buddy up" with him for the week, I couldn't hear her question and put up my hand to ask her to repeat it.

  So, Zen became my responsibility.

  Zen was the best worst mistake of my life!

  For the past year he's been doing my maths homework. The dude is a genius!

  Well, Zen may have the IQ of a rocket scientist, but when it comes to thinking up a plan to sneak onto the space shuttle, he sucks!

  Basically, we came up with some truly random ideas, like pretending to be pieces of furniture, or technicians, or astronauts.

  After 10 minutes of putting forward pathetic ideas, we decided to rather head over to my house for a PlayStation session.

  This always puts me in a great mood, as I am undoubtedly the PlayStation master.

  If life on Mars isn't a success, I'm pretty sure I could make a living by playing PlayStation.

  I was just about to conquer Level 17 when Mama decided we'd played enough.

  A H M A N ! N O T A G A I N !

  What's wrong with that woman? She has absolutely no respect for my masterful talent.

  Anyway, Mama reckons that by switching off the PlayStation, she's clever.

  She thinks that by doing this, I'll be forced to go outdoors and exercise, or to read a book, or socialise.

  I actually just go to my room and continue gaming on my iPad.

  I'm especially in love with my iPad because (just between you and me) it gives me something to do while I'm on the toilet.

  I wouldn't say that I'm an addict or anything. It's not like I play for three straight hours a day. It's more like a very normal two-hour session.

  WEDNESDAY

  → 25 DAYS left on Earth and counting. Hmmm.

  I think my parents have started to feel a little bit sorry about making me move to Mars. (Quite rightly so.)

  Mama didn't yell when I burped during supper, and Tata took over my dishwashing chore.

  I, of course, being the genius that I am, used this to my full advantage. I walked around the house sighing a lot, and spent time lovingly touching every object in our home.

  I hugged each cushion goodbye, kissed Gogo's antique vase and patted the coffee table. I even sang a little song to the side lamp: "Oh lampie dear, oh lampie dear, I'll miss your pretty sparkle."

  My sad act worked! Mama and Tata decided that I could take a pet aboard the space shuttle.

  A pet! WAHOO! I've always wanted a pet. My parents wouldn't allow me to have one before, because Gogo has all sorts of allergies.

  But, apparently, they'd rather have Gogo sneeze herself silly than see me so sad.

  THURSDAY

  → 24 DAYS before I blast off.

  Destination: Mars. Totally shocking!

  WHAT HAVE I DONE?

  I can't believe it!

  My chosen pet for Mars is ... a CHICK!

  You heard right, a chick! (And not a chick like Mbali. I mean a real chick.)

  E I S H !

  So, here's how the sad story goes:

  I was on my way to the pet shop, with every intention of getting a really cool pet: either a Komodo dragon, or a boa constrictor, or even a dog.

  Anyhoo, along the way, I walked past this restaurant where a cage was being delivered. It had a chick in it. I carried on walking, whistling a merry tune.

  Then the realisation hit me! That chick was going to be raised to become somebody's roast dinner!

  The most BIZARRE thing happened: I took pity on the chick, which is ridiculous, as I eat chicken. Also, it's a chicken. Aren't their brains the size of peas?

  But, for some reason, I felt the urge to save this chick's life. (I'm kinda nice that way.)

  Anyway, to cut a longish story short, I bought the chick for fifty bucks, and it's coming to space with me.

  I'm not entirely sure whether it's a boy or girl. I guess I'll have to wait patiently to see what it grows up to be.

  I really hope it grows into a hen and not a rooster. Then at least I'll score some free eggs out of this deal.

  In any case, I've named it Ganymede.

  Gany for short.

  FRIDAY

  → 23 DAYS to go. Sob!

  I woke up this morning determined to continue with the sad act, so I could manipulate my naïve parents a little more. (Don't judge me, you'd do the same.)

  I was sick and tired of the kids at school treating me like some sort of freak, so I tried to persuade my parents to let me stay at home.

  Unfortunately, my parents weren't having any of it.

  I think it would take a NUCLEAR BOMB before I'd be allowed to miss a day of school.

  Having used up all my "sad" credit, I had no choice but to get dressed and head for school.

  It was weird walking around that place and realising that I was not going to be there for too much longer.

  Then, a fabulous brain wave hit me!

  In just three weeks and two days, I will literally be out of everybody's reach, which will make it impossible for me to receive any sort of long-term punishment.

  So, I can probably get away with just about anything!

  M W A H A H A (evil laugh).

  My first plan was to get revenge on Loyiso "The Jerk" Bayi. (His middle name explains everything.)

  Loyiso and I have a lot of BAD BLOOD between us.

  In Grade 3, he completely humiliated me by announcing to everyone that I walked like a girl. That was absolutely ridiculous, of course, because girls and guys walk the same. Don't they?

  For almost two weeks, girls giggled when I walked past.

  Things got even worse when I tried to strut.

  Thankfully, James Johnson picked his nose in class and ate it! Eeuww! This took the pressure off my so-called "girlie walk".

  My plan was to "accidently" trip Loyiso during Phys. Ed and ensure that he sprained his ankle. The limp from his injury would cause him to walk like a girl.

  It would be some payback that he definitely deserved.

  Coach Ace announced we were playing soccer in Phys. Ed. WHAT LUCK!

  I tried my best to get Loyiso. I ran around the field sticking my leg out every time he ran past. But, he'd either jump over
my leg or dodge it completely.

  Coach Ace called me aside and asked if I understood how to play soccer.

  I had to tell him a little white lie. (You'd do the same.) I certainly wasn't going to enlighten him about my intention to trip Loyiso.

  By the second half, I was starting to get desperate. That jerk just wouldn't go down.

  Then, the moment presented itself.

  Loyiso walked backwards in preparation for a free kick, so I ran behind him and stuck out my foot.

  S U C C E S S !

  Well, success for one brief moment.

  Unfortunately, he landed on top of me, squashing me flat.

  This was certainly not how I had hoped my revenge would pan out.

  I'm the one who hobbled around the rest of the day in agony. It's so unfair!

  Plus, Loyiso once again pointed out that I still hadn't outgrown my girlie walk.

  Totally EMBARRASSING!

  Maybe Mars isn't such

  a bad idea after all.

  SATURDAY

  → 22 DAYS before blast-off.

  I decided there were a few things I needed to experience before leaving Planet Earth.

  Kissing Mbali is at the top of the list, of course.

  Secondly, I needed to drink at least six double-thick chocolate milkshakes. Apparently, the only thing to drink on Mars is water from an underground glacier or something.

  So, I figured that if I'm only going to be drinking water for the rest of my life, I was going to get some serious milkshake drinking done here on Planet Earth.

  Kurt and Zen were completely on board with both of my plans.

  We decided that the milkshake-drinking plan would probably be easier to achieve than my goal to kiss Mbali, so we set to work.

  Here's how the story went:

  First, we gathered all the cash we could find.