Thabo, the space dude

by Lori-Ann Preston

  We searched our parents' cars for loose coins; we broke open Kurt's piggy bank; and we snuck 100 bucks out of Gogo's purse.

  She'll never notice.

  In all, we raised 223 bucks, which was enough to buy 11 milkshakes.

  We headed to the Milkshake Bar and purchased the goods. On the walk home, we drank one milkshake each.

  At my house we sat in the jacaranda tree and drank our second milkshakes. Our tummies were nice and bloated, which could only mean one thing:

  A BURPING COMPETITION!

  W A H O O !

  I won the competition, as my burp lasted the longest.

  Kurt thought he should have won because his burp was the stinkiest, but I reminded him that smell didn't count. Zen's burp was absolutely pathetic. Poor guy!

  After the second shake and the burping competition, I started to feel a little queasy. But I was committed to the milkshake-drinking mission.

  Kurt and Zen, the amateurs, were full after their two milkshakes and quit.

  I, however, being a masterful PlayStation wizard and milkshake-burping champion, continued to drink.

  After the third milkshake, my stomach started to churn and make some seriously dodgy sounds.

  I knew the fourth shake was a very bad idea and I decided that I too would quit while I was ahead. I was also suffering from some serious brain freeze. Kurt and Zen dared me to keep drinking. So, not to look like a loser, I continued to slurp up the thick, brown liquid.

  BIG MISTAKE!

  Halfway through the fourth shake, I had a sneaking suspicion that I might vomit. I broke out into a hot sweat and ran for the bathroom.

  UNFORTUNATELY, I didn't make it in time.

  As I entered the lounge, I projectile vomited all over the place. Over the couch, table, carpet, picture frames, lamp, TV and Gogo's antique vase.

  Kurt and Zen (being the good friends they are clearly NOT!) ran off home.

  You'd think that my Mama would take pity on my little soul, but nooooo. She was absolutely furious.

  "You're grounded!" she shrieked in a hysterical voice.

  She also didn't seem to appreciate me asking if that meant I no longer had to move to Mars.

  Plus, to make matters worse, Gogo DID notice the missing 100 bucks and I have to repay her by baking scones and reading to her tea club.

  EISH!

  Daily record of activities for week 2

  SUNDAY

  → 21 DAYS and still counting.

  I have three weeks left before I move to Mars.

  Having recovered from the vomit episode (totally disgusting), I decided it was time to get up to some serious last-days-on-Earth mischief.

  My idols, the rebel gang at school, constantly brag about their weekend tricks and I felt it was time to get in on some mischief-making action.

  Today I was keen to play TOK-TOKKIE!

  I called Kurt and Zen on my cellphone, and they weren't that keen.

  But I used my power of persuasion and eventually talked them around.

  We arranged to meet at Amalinda Flats.

  I chose that spot because I knew it would have a lot of doors, which would create a truly gangster tok-tokkie effect.

  I was grounded, so I had to come up with a plan to sneak out of the house unnoticed.

  I stuffed some clothing under my duvet and patted it to form the shape of a sleeping body.

  If my parents happened to check in on me, it would look like I was fast asleep. I know it's a really lame trick, but hey, I've done it before and it works.

  I snuck out of my bedroom window and made off down the road to meet up with my chommies.

  The aim of tok-tokkie is to knock on a door, and then to run and hide, while watching the angry reaction of the person who opens the door.

  Kurt and Zen were a little nervous, and Kurt reminded me that it might be okay for me as I would be leaving for Mars soon, but they still had to remain on Earth.

  I told him to stop acting like a baby, and that seemed to sort him out.

  We decided to only knock on the doors of people who we sort of knew, as there was always a slight chance that a total stranger might try to do us some bodily harm.

  Our first attempt went perfectly to plan. We banged loudly on the door of number eight, Mr Mondiwa's flat, and sprinted down the corridor to hide behind the wall at the end of the passage.

  We peered around slowly.

  Mr Mondiwa yelled down the passage, "I'll call your parents and the police, you little brats!"

  That was EXACTLY the reaction we wanted. Laughing hysterically, we decided to try Mrs Sandile's door.

  We bravely knocked on her door and sprinted to the end of the passage, excited to see her reaction. Mrs Sandile looked left and right and closed the door.

  Unimpressed that we weren't yelled at, we decided to knock on her door again. The door instantly opened and Mrs Sandile said three words: "Cujo, get them."

  With that, a ferocious bull terrier came charging after us. We ran screaming out of the block of flats and made for the nearest tree we could find.

  The three of us shot up that tree as if our lives depended on it.

  (Which, of course, they did.)

  Cujo ran around the tree, barking his lungs out. Mrs Sandile made her way over to us and gave us a good talking to. She even threatened to phone the police and get us thrown in jail.

  We pleaded desperately for our lives, and she agreed to let us off the hook. We walked back home in silence. Kurt eventually spoke: "Guys, that was so awesome." We all burst out laughing, praising each other for our bravery.

  However, we will certainly never play tok-tokkie again.

  MONDAY

  → 20 DAYS to go.

  Monday mornings are truly the WORST!

  I honestly don't understand why our stupid school governing body can't get their act together and allow school to start at a decent hour.

  In England, they start school at 8:30 am (which is perfectly acceptable). But, nooooo, our school must start at 7:30 am, which is TOTALLY RIDICULOUS!

  Clearly, they have no idea how much an extra hour of sleep is worth to an almost-teenager. Or they get a secret thrill out of torturing kids.

  Anyway, this Monday morning was no exception.

  I was innocently crunching away at my Bubblegum Oaties with mini marshmallows (the only good thing about mornings), when Mama informed me that this would be my last week of school on Earth. No joke!

  For a split second, I was happier than when I received my PlayStation.

  The thought of no more school had to be the only good thing about going to Mars. No more alarm clock, no more Mrs SnoreMore, no more Mrs SnotBrain, and no more jerks like Loyiso to humiliate me. I couldn't believe my luck!

  I was just about to phone Kurt and Zen, when Mama added: "Gogo will be your new teacher on Mars!"

  GOGO! WHAT ON EARTH?!

  Totally depressed, I went to cuddle Gany.

  While I was gently tickling my chick's neck, it POOPED on my hand. Seriously DISGUSTING!

  Maybe I should have let that restaurant eat him or her. (Ha, ha, just kidding.)

  Feeling like a squashed slug, I got dressed and left for school. At 7 am!

  At school, Zen, Kurt and I immediately got to work on my most important last-days-on-Earth mission: kissing Mbali!

  If this was to be my last week of school, desperate measures needed to be taken. We carefully thought about how I should go about it.

  What did I possibly have to lose?

  Besides perhaps EVERYTHING!

  I couldn't concentrate at all during Natural Science and Social Science. All I could think about was Mbali's soft, plush lips.

  ( E I S H ! )

  I should probably add, just for the record, that I DON'T normally think about kissing girl
s' lips. I have far better things to do with my life. Obviously.

  But, there's just something about this particular girl that drives me crazy.

  Mrs SnoreMore rudely interrupted my daydreams by demanding that I repeat what she'd just said.

  I, of course, hadn't a clue what that might be, so I just asked: "Who cares?"

  Wow! The way she carried on, you'd think I'd said a dirty word or something. The woman yelled at me like a strangled seagull.

  To make matters worse: I have absolutely no idea what came over me, but I suggested she take a chill pill.

  As a result, she cancelled my break time.

  N O O O O O !

  I was so angry that I decided to let her have it by expressing my feelings on paper. I drew a picture of Mrs SnoreMore losing her head.

  That wasn't a very clever idea.

  Loyiso grabbed the piece of paper from me and handed it to Mrs SnoreMore. I panicked!

  Mrs SnoreMore's face turned fire-engine red and she looked like she was going to explode.

  Y I K E S !

  I could feel my whole body beginning to drip sweat. This was it, I thought. The day I die! And it was all Loyiso's fault.

  That jerk is a real snitch!

  I quickly explained to Mrs SnoreMore that I was suffering from Marsilitis: The Fear of Moving to Mars, and she seemed to take pity on me. Phew!

  Even though it seemed like she cared, she still made me stay in at break. And I now have Friday afternoon detention too.

  Teachers today are totally insensitive.

  TUESDAY

  → 19 DAYS left on my beloved Planet Earth.

  This is it! Kissing Day! The day all my dreams come true. I decided that break time would be the best time to kiss Mbali.

  That meant I just needed to get through double maths – yawn fest! And double Drama – my favourite subject! (It's practically a free period.)

  It took forever for break to arrive.

  Mrs SnoreMore's double maths fractions lesson was even more boring than I thought possible.

  Thank goodness, I'll have left for Mars when she tests the subject, as I hadn't a clue what she was talking about. I mean, in all honesty, who (besides Zen) cares what fractions are?

  Drama was no better. In fact, I think it was a little worse than Maths. It was totally traumatising, although I kinda dig Mr Weirdo.

  Mr Weirdo decided to hold auditions for the school play, Annie.

  Even though I'm going to be on Mars when the play takes place, he didn't want me to feel left out, so I too had to sing one verse from, "The Sun Will Come out Tomorrow". Oh no!

  One by one we trudged up to the stage, where we were forced to sing unaccompanied.

  Kids were trying all sorts of things to get out of the humiliation.

  Kurt pretended to cry, so he was excused.

  That was actually my trick, which I had stupidly shared with him.

  Eventually, break arrived. Thank goodness!

  I planned to quickly gobble down my lunch (as I was starving to death) and then go kiss Mbali.

  Distracted, I bit into my sandwich, only to discover that Tata had put FISH PASTE on it!

  There was absolutely no way I could possibly kiss Mbali with fish breath, so I heaved a heavy sigh and continued eating.

  I have to remember to pack my own non-breath-stinking lunch for tomorrow.

  WEDNESDAY

  → 18 DAYS ’til lift-off.

  I woke up extra early to give my teeth, tongue and gums four good, long brushes. And to pack my own lunch!

  It was essential that Mbali got to experience my minty-fresh breath on our first kiss. I also smeared on some of Tata's aftershave, so I smelled extra delicious. Sweet!

  Zen, the genius, phoned me on my cell last night. He'd come up with a great way to trick Mbali into kissing me.

  The plan was to pretend to faint at her feet.

  Mbali, being the kind-hearted person she is, would obviously try to give me mouth-to-mouth.

  I couldn't wait to get to school to try out this clever trick!

  After assembly, as we were walking in line back to class, I quickly moved in front of Mbali and pretended to faint.

  Unfortunately, Percy The Squirt pushed in front of her and insisted that he knew first aid.

  There was no way I was going to let Percy near me, so I just coughed loudly and got up.

  Talk about a clever trick backfiring.

  E I S H !

  THURSDAY

  → 17 DAYS to go.

  Two days left to achieve my kissing mission. And ... Mbali was absent!

  FRIDAY

  → 16 DAYS to go. I’m running out of time!

  This was it. My last day of school on Earth.

  I really needed luck to be on my side for a change. But, with my track record, I wasn't holding my breath.

  Mama gave me my astronaut's suit during breakfast and forced me to try it on. I think she was trying to make me feel better about my last day of school.

  I certainly wasn't sad that it was my last day, but I was sad because the Mbali thing was driving me CRAZY.

  I tried on my suit to humour my Mama and I must admit, I looked supercool! Who would have thought that a white jumpsuit and fishbowl helmet could look so seriously sharp?

  While I was admiring my natural and unappreciated awesomeness in the mirror, an idea struck! I rushed upstairs and made a poster to hang around my neck. I was all set for my last day of school.

  Today turned out to be the best day of my life!

  I TOTALLY ROCKED!

  The girls all went loopy over my cool space outfit and lined up for free kisses. Loyiso The Jerk was furious, which made my day even better. I'm sure, if it were possible, that he would have turned green with jealousy.

  There was one minor problem: I couldn't actually touch any lips, as I had my helmet on.

  But whatever, it was still awesome.

  The day got better and better. Mrs SnoreMore excused me from detention.

  And we had an extended break.

  YES! YES! YES!

  Just as I was beginning to think that leaving for Mars was quite possibly the best thing to ever happen to me, something DREADFUL happened instead.

  The emergency bell rang – just as Mbali was about to give me a kiss!

  NOOOOOOOO!

  Whenever the emergency bell rings, the kids all get super excited. Nobody cares if there's an actual fire or bomb threat. All we care about is that we get a free period.

  But, this particular bell couldn't have rung at a worse time.

  As we were all making our way out to the soccer field evacuation zone, Loyiso The Jerk bashed me on the back.

  I'm convinced he set off the emergency bell. What a slime bucket!

  SATURDAY

  → 15 DAYS to go. Yikes!

  Mars Boot Camp is due to start on Monday. (More about that later.)

  I decided to put all my problems out of my mind and enjoy the weekend with Kurt, Zen and Gany.

  After all, I still felt like I was floating on cloud nine from the billions (slight exaggeration) of kisses I'd received the day before.

  We sat together in the morning and compiled a ‘To Do' list.

  By 7 pm we had completed the whole list of activities – apart from building the obstacle course.

  Kurt won the airplane race; Zen farted the loudest (totally impressive). I won both PlayStation sessions (of course), and Gany (who got stuck in the pizza box) made the funniest noises.

  We decided to rather start building the obstacle course in the morning and enjoy a movie sleepover night.

  We watched two DVDs with popcorn and soda. First, we watched a space movie (of course), Moon Explorers. It was WICKED!

  We told Mama a little white lie about the s
econd movie, Krun: The Zombie Destroyer. We said it wasn't age-restricted at all.

  I mean, how scary could it actually be? Thirty minutes into the DVD, we began to realise why it had a '16 Violence' age restriction.

  After watching such a violent movie, the three of us definitely needed a distraction for our shattered nerves. So we moved on to the next best part of a sleepover night – PILLOW FIGHTING!

  It was tremendous fun bashing each other over the head, until Zen ducked and I accidently whacked Gogo's antique vase. Tata sent my friends home and I was sent to my room. Uh-oh.

  Daily record of activities for week 3

  SUNDAY

  → 14 DAYS to lift-off. Whatever.

  Kurt and Zen returned sheepishly to my house this morning, careful to avoid Tata.

  (It's a miracle I wasn't grounded.)

  Just in case Tata was still in a bad mood after the smashing of Gogo's vase, we snuck out of the house to build our obstacle course.

  I am due to start Mars Boot Camp in the morning, so we thought an obstacle course would be a good way for me to get a jumpstart on my training.

  The obstacle course turned out to be SERIOUSLY SICK!

  The only problem was that by the time we'd finished building it, it was 7 pm and Kurt and Zen had to go home.

  So we never actually got to try it out.

  E P I C F A I L !

  MONDAY

  → 13 DAYS to go. It’s getting close now.

  My last two weeks on Earth will be spent at Mars Boot Camp at Nahoon Beach.

  Because Mars is completely covered in dust, the Mars Embassy thought the beach would be the best place to experience dust-covered ground.

  I guess that kinda makes sense.

  Mama, Tata and Gogo were all excused from training, as Tata has already been to space, Mama didn't have the time, and Gogo is too old. That didn't seem fair, but as usual I have