The Beastly Earl

by Monica Burns

  Melton made to follow his sister then paused and looked up at the keep's façade. The deep anger reflected on the earl's face said the man would kill Ewan if he were in front of Melton at that moment. Ewan didn't blame the man's desire to avenge his sister's pain. Any blows the earl landed would be welcome as he was more than willing to succumb to death than live the hellish existence he knew lay ahead of him.

  The magnitude of his decision to send her away was a crushing weight on his chest that only strengthened as he watched the carriages roll down the driveway. In one of the vehicles was a woman who'd made him feel whole for the first time in his life. It wasn't simply that she'd accepted his beastly appearance. It was more than that. Louisa had touched something in his soul that had been slowly dying for a long time. Now that it had been resurrected, it was only going to die again.

  "For the love of the almighty, mon. Do ye have a death wish?"

  At McCallum's exclamation, Ewan's last bit of strength began to give out as the man who'd been a father to him quickly reached his side. The moment their gazes met, the Scotsman shook his head with a snort of anger.

  "Do nae even try to answer that, lad. I know it will be a lie."

  "Help me back to bed before I wind up sleeping on the floor," Ewan snarled as the pain of watching his life vanish before his eyes slammed into him with renewed force. McCallum didn't bother to be gentle as he wrapped his arm around Ewan's waist and guided him back to the bed. The moment he groaned, McCallum released a harsh sound of disgust.

  "Ye are a fool, lad. The woman loves ye, although why I dinnae know."

  "She deserves better than me," Ewan rasped as he fell back into the mattress and allowed the older man to swing his legs up onto the bed.

  "Aye that she does, but it's her willingness tae put up with ye that is the true miracle."

  "Go away, McCallum. Leave me to lick my wounds in peace."

  "I have never seen such a hard-headed Scot in all my life."

  "I did the right thing. I have nothing…nothing to offer her."

  "Sweet mither of God, mon. All the lass wants is your heart. A woman such as that is hard tae find."

  "Go away." Ewan waved his hand at the man as he closed his eye. "I want to sleep."

  "Aye. That's the way to run away from your problems."

  The man uttered a vicious oath of disgust then walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. It emphasized how frustrated the Scotsman was, but there was something in the retainer's manner that made him think the man was more disappointed in him than anything else. Ewan drew in a hiss of air as he moved slightly only to be punished by his body.

  Would his old friend understand his decision better if he knew the last of the Argaty line had died at Ewan's hand? It didn't matter. He knew the truth. He had nothing to give Louisa in return for her love. Offering his heart and maimed body to her wasn't enough to overcome his inability to provide a name or home. He'd done the right thing, even though it was destroying him with every passing second. Slowly, he allowed himself to sink into the darkness swallowing him whole until he drifted into oblivion.

  Chapter 19

  Ewan dropped another book into the satchel he'd set on the flat surface of his desk. It had been almost a week since Louisa had left, and Argaty Keep had never felt so cold, forbidding, or empty. He constantly found himself listening for the sound of her laughter or a glimpse of her riding across the moor as she loved to do. It was pointless to yearn for her, but it was impossible to stop himself from doing so.

  They'd buried the dowager countess two days after her murder, and the inquest yesterday had been a formality as the constable had confirmed Gilbert had killed his mother then attacked Ewan. At the time of the dowager's funeral, his injuries had still been painful, but he'd attended simply for the sake of propriety.

  Even though he understood why Lady Argaty had loathed him, it still didn't make it easier to forgive her or his real mother for their deception. Wallis had tried to speak with him several times, but he'd refused to see her and had ordered Asadi not to let her into his study. The whole matter was an open wound that hurt worse than his physical ones, which had healed almost completely thanks to Dr. Munro's skilled work.

  He picked up another book to check the title and put it with the growing collection of books he was leaving behind. Traveling light had never been an issue for him, but for once he was allowing himself to carry a little more than he usually would. It had been impractical to take more than a couple of books with him to the Sudan, but he had a little more leeway now. He wanted a few of his favorites with him as companions when he was alone.

  "Argaty sahib, you take this?" Asadi appeared at his side and held up a small package wrapped in colored paper and a simple white ribbon.

  "What is it?" he asked as he briefly glanced at the item in the boy's hand before picking up another book to determine if it was one he wanted to take with him.

  "Morehouse sahibah left it for you."

  Ewan froze then turned his head to stare down at the square package in the boy's hand. Slowly, he took the gift from his self-appointed manservant and sank down into his desk chair.

  "Leave me," Ewan said harshly with a sharp wave of his hand while his gaze remained focused on the wrapped gift in his hand.

  An image of Louisa formed in his head as he remembered her courage in the face of his half-brother's insanity. He couldn't recall how he'd retrieved his pistol from his nightstand. The only thing he could remember was his fear that Gilbert would kill her, and that he would give his life to keep that from happening. Suddenly aware that Asadi had not moved, Ewan raised his head to eye the young man with annoyance. The boy didn't flinch beneath Ewan's glare.

  "Argaty sahib has not said when we leave." The stubborn look on Asadi's face made Ewan frown with growing irritation.

  "I've already said you will not be going with me."

  "I must go with Argaty sahib. You will need me."

  "No, I do not need you. I explained all this yesterday. You are to remain here where the village schoolmaster will teach you how to do math and read English. McCallum will teach you how to manage the keep and its property."

  "Where Argaty sahib goes, Asadi goes." The young man's posture was straight and rigid as he returned Ewan's glare with an expression of defiance he'd never displayed before.

  "You will not," Ewan snarled. "You will do as I have instructed. I do not want anyone's company, do you understand?"

  "No, I take care of Argaty sahib."

  The boy's defiant tone took Ewan aback. It was the first time his manservant had ever refused to obey a command or request. He narrowed his gaze at the young man. Asadi's stubborn expression and posture ignited a sudden suspicion in his head. Louisa had put the lad up to this.

  "Did Lady Westbrook instruct you not to let me leave without you, no matter what I ordered?" he bit out as his jaw clenched with tight anger. Asadi didn't answer the question, but his expression confirmed Ewan's suspicions. "I see. Tell me, Asadi. Who saved your life? Was it her ladyship?"

  The boy paled beneath Ewan's glare. It was the first time he'd ever implied the boy owed him anything, and the knowledge sickened him. From the first moment he'd awoken to find the young man at the side of his hospital bed in the Khartoum, he'd constantly emphasized Asadi owed Ewan nothing.

  "I apologize, Asadi. You were undeserving of that. You owe me nothing."

  "You are wrong, Argaty sahib." The young Sudanese shook his head vigorously. "It is a debt impossible to repay."

  How could he make the boy understand it was Ewan who owed him? The Sudanese boy had cheerfully and without question allowed himself to be Ewan's whipping boy from the first day he refused to leave Ewan's side. Ewan had no idea where he was going, but he knew his resources would be limited most of the time, sometimes not even enough for himself.

  He refused to allow Asadi to suffer that fate, especially when the young man could have a good life here at Argaty. Since he no longer had any right to the tit
le his father had held, he would allow McCallum to serve as the trustee of the estate. By leaving Asadi behind, it was his repayment for everything the boy had done for him. It would benefit not only Asadi, but McCallum as well.

  Asadi was not the only one he was indebted to. McCallum, who'd been a father figure to him all his life, deserved to spend his remaining years free of any major responsibility when it came to managing the estate. He refused to let anyone challenge his decision as to Asadi's future when he knew it was the best thing for the boy.

  He closed his eye and leaned back in his chair. He remained silent for a long moment before he pinned his gaze on the boy. Ewan narrowed his gaze at the young man, all too aware he needed to choose his words carefully.

  "You say your debt is impossible to repay, and I understand that. It's one of the things we have in common. I too have a debt I can never repay, but with your help I must at least try. Do you understand that?"

  "Yes, Argaty sahib," the Sudanese said with obvious reluctance and more than a hint of suspicion.

  "I lost my father when I was very young, and McCallum took on the responsibility of being the father I was denied." Ewan paused for a brief moment as he met Asadi's gaze steadily. "Like me, McCallum would say I owe him nothing, but that's not true. It's now my responsibility to be the son McCallum never had."

  "I understand, Argaty sahib. McCallum sahib is a good man."

  "Then you will help me try to repay my debt to him?" When the boy nodded, Ewan relaxed back into his chair.

  "Then you will remain here as I told you yester—"

  "No, I—"

  "Damnation, lad, don't you understand?" he snarled as he sprang to his feet and leaned across the desk to scowl at the boy. "McCallum is no longer young. You are the only one I trust to take care of him, Mrs. Selkirk, and everyone else in the keep. You are the only one who can do this for me. There is no one else."

  "There is you, Argaty sahib," the boy replied quietly.

  "That's no longer possible for reasons I cannot explain," he ground out bitterly as the dowager countess's malevolent face flitted through his head. "Will you do as I ask? Will you stay and do what I cannot?"

  The boy remained still for a long moment as he studied Ewan's face as if looking for any deception. An expression of resignation and sorrow darkened the young Sudanese's face as he nodded his agreement to honor Ewan's request. Relief surged through Ewan as the boy capitulated to his demand.

  "Thank you," he murmured as he sank back down into his chair drained of energy by the argument. "Now, go."

  This time Asadi did as he was told, and Ewan leaned back in his chair and closed his eye. Christ Jesus he was tired. His wounds were healing well despite his body looking like a piece of material a seamstress had used to learn her trade. But it was the sleepless nights that made it difficult to heal faster. Ewan inhaled a deep breath then exhaled it before looking at Louisa's gift on the desktop. He studied it for a moment then pulled open the top desk drawer where he'd placed Louisa's note. Ewan unfolded the parchment and stared at her handwriting. His gaze skimmed the words until he reached the one sentence that had made it so difficult to let her go.

  My heart is in your hands.

  When he'd read her note for the first time, it had taken every last bit of control he'd possessed not to storm out into the hall and ask to her stay. Deep inside, a roar of anguish ripped through him at the memory.

  "So you're simply going to run away." Wallis MacCullaich's voice echoed quietly in his study, and he jerked his head up in surprise. Lost in the hell he'd been condemned to, he'd not heard his mother come into his study.

  "I am not running away," he said coldly as he rose to his feet. "Why are you here, mother?"

  "What do you call it then?" she said

  "I no longer have claim to any of this." He flung his hand out in a sweeping gesture the stitches in his arm tugging slightly in protest.

  "Says who?" Wallis MacCullaich demanded imperiously. Ewan narrowed his gaze at her while the muscles in his cheek grew taut with anger.

  "As I recall, madam, you confirmed the late Lady Argaty's claim that I was not the heir to the Argaty title or its lands."

  "No, I confirmed you were my son nothing more. But you are the Earl of Argaty. You have been since your father died."

  "I am a bastard. I am not entitled to my father's title."

  "And the only people who know your father and I were not legally married are either dead or in this room."

  "In other words, your solution to the situation is for things to continue as they were before I learned the truth," Ewan snarled. "I'll not live a lie, madam."

  "It is not a lie. You were baptized as the issue of Dougal and Elspeth Colquhoun. My sister claimed you as her own the moment she signed your baptism record. You are the legitimate heir in the eyes of the church and the law."

  "None of that changes the fact that you're my mother or that my father never married you. That detail says I'm not the legitimate heir."

  "So you intend to label me a whore." The quiet statement made Ewan go rigid as his gaze met his mother's. With a slight shake of his head, he looked away from her.

  "No. I would never do anything to hurt you. I'm angry that the truth was withheld from me, and it begs the question of why. Why would you allow your sister to claim me as her son? Why would you give me up so easily?"

  The bitterness in his voice made Wallis flinch violently as her face became pale with anguish. Deep inside he recognized there was more than just guilt in her expression. There was a sorrow in her eyes that was so deep and agonizing it made him want to offer her solace.

  "I didn't give you up easily, and I cannot expect you to understand," she said in a voice filled with pain and sorrow.

  "Then try to make me understand why you'd do such a thing," he said with an anger he'd been nursing for days.

  It was a rage he'd only just realized wasn't simply because he'd been lied to for years. The majority of his anger was rooted in the knowledge that his mother had cast him aside. Given him away to her—a woman who'd spent every moment in his presence making his life a living hell. As much as he didn't want to admit how deeply it pained him, it was a fact he could no longer ignore.

  "I know my choices weren't good ones, Ewan, but I cannot undo the decisions I made. All I can do now is tell you everything I couldn't share with you before."

  Wallis paused for a moment then crossed the room to sit on the edge of a chair at the fireplace. She didn't look at Ewan, but stared into the small fire burning in the hearth. There was a faraway expression on her face as she began her story.

  "I met Dougal two days after the third reading of the banns for him and Elspeth. I had been living with my aunt in London who had promised my father she would find me a husband. She was in despair over my refusing several offers and was more than happy to see the back of me when I was ordered home for the wedding. I met Dougal while riding on the moors the day after I returned. It was love at first sight for both of us. We tried to stay away from each other, but from that first moment it was impossible for us to do so.

  "For almost two weeks we tried think of a way for Dougal to break his contract with Elspeth and marry me instead. Your father argued vehemently that he would break the contract, leave for a year then return and marry me. My father was a harsh man, and I knew he would never allow me to marry Dougal when his oldest child had been humiliated.

  "Not even an offer of compensation would have appeased my father for such a slight. I also had no desire to humiliate my sister by marrying the man who had refused to marry her. What I didn't understand then was that injuries to one's pride are usually resolved over time, but I was too much of a coward to agree with your father's plan."

  She stopped speaking, and Ewan crossed the floor to sit opposite her. He wanted to demand she continue, but he saw the tears she was struggling to hold back. The torment his parents must have endured was something he understood far too well. Clearing his throat, Ewan studied the br
ick hearth in front of him.

  "I think I understand how hard it must have been for both of you." Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a his mother's mouth curved in a sad smile.

  "Perhaps you do." She returned her gaze to the fire as her face indicated she was lost in the past once more. "Elspeth was with child almost immediately, and despite my objections, she insisted I come stay with her at the keep. Our mother had been dead for several years, and Elspeth wanted family with her. I tried to find an excuse not to go, but my father was just as insistent as my sister.

  "From the moment I arrived, Dougal and I were plunged into an existence that alternated between heaven and hell. We were able to steal the occasional quiet moment of companionship, only to experience days of hell afterward. When Elspeth miscarried the baby, she begged me not to go, and I agreed to remain at Argaty Keep. Whether it was out of sympathy for my sister or my inability to leave Dougal, I've never tried to answer the question.

  "Over the next two years, Elspeth suffered several miscarriages. The last one took a grave toll on her health, and the doctor said it was unlikely she would ever be able to have children. Dougal became more desolate as he began to realize Elspeth might never give him the son he wanted so badly. He took to riding for hours out on the moor, and one afternoon we met unexpectedly. In the past, we'd only touched hands or stolen the occasional kiss.

  "But that afternoon we were completely free to laugh, hold hands, and kiss without fear of discovery. Before either of us realized what was happening, I surrendered to him. We knew it was wrong, but how can something that feels so right be wrong? It's what we asked ourselves every time we were in each other's arms. To make matters worse, Elspeth insisted Dougal and she try one more time despite the doctor's warnings.

  "Dougal told me it had been difficult enough to lay with Elspeth in the past. The idea of doing so again was repugnant to him. He declared he would divorce Elspeth, so we could marry, but once again I refused to let him hurt my sister. Instead, I told him to go to her one last time. He rejected my suggestion outright.