From the Mad Journal of Mercy Mayhem

by Cathy Gaitan

  June 2, 2017

  Pinkerton saw my design plans for my costume. He thinks it’s too far over the top. I told him he’s right and that’s exactly what I’m going for. Is there even such a thing as too much? I don’t think so.

  I made him promise not to say a word about my costume to Carmony. She already has all that ridiculous talent. If she also had a flashy costume you might as well nail my coffin shut.

  Pink says my promise is going to cost me a favor. I hope to hell I don’t end up with his face tattooed on my ass.

  June 3, 2017

  Luckily I don’t have an ass tattoo but the hair over my left ear has been shaved and the half inch stubble dyed pink. It really stands out next to my sapphire blue hair. I kind of like it. It should complement my costume perfectly. Don’t tell Pink!

  Julia gave me a weird look when she saw it but didn’t make any comments. Titus laughed and asked if it meant we were going steady. After that I stopped paying attention to everyone.

  I went one on one with Paisley and wasted no time taking her down. I had three head shots during firearm training the rest were all body shots. I didn’t miss once. Julia was speechless. That in itself was a victory. She usually has at least one bad thing to say. I didn’t tell her I was imagining Titus was the target.

  June 4, 2017

  EZ showed up at the compound this afternoon along with his friends. They say they’re willing to give the Zombie Coalition a chance. Julia told him she’d make contact once she’s put together a training schedule for them.

  They have no idea what they’re in for. I didn’t warn them. Sometimes it’s better not to know.

  Julia let me in the shooting range along with everyone else. I got to train along with the others. Pink took the lane next to me so we could have another shoot-off. He won again but not by much.

  My Ninja assassin dream may not be just a dream much longer.

  June 5, 2017

  I had Pink drop me off in the middle of nowhere with just a compass and a map with a red dot indicating where I was. He told me to keep my phone just in case which just means he didn’t really trust me to make it out on my own.

  It took me a while but I did it! It didn’t take me nearly as long as last time. I didn’t even have to call him. I admit I tried when I ran out of Nerds but I guess it was out of satellite range. At least that’s what Pink told me later.

  I’m finally making progress!

  June 6, 2017

  Julia put Titus in charge of training EZ and his group. Their schedules will be opposite to ours. This means Julia is ours full time. I don’t know why this makes me so happy. Julia is so much harder on us that Titus.

  Pink isn’t too happy. He thinks Julia pulls back her badass when Titus is around. He expects her to pull out the whistle again. I don’t think she will but then I have been known to be wrong occasionally.

  The shooting range was a fun place today. Everyone participated in the shoot-out except for Mary Mary. She doesn’t like weapons. The winner today was Abel Woodley. He beat Pink by one head shot. Pinkerton was not pleased but he didn’t hold it against Abel. I know he’ll be practicing his shot tonight at the shooting range Titus and I used. Maybe I’ll join him. I wasn’t the worst today but I’m nowhere near the top.

  June 7, 2017

  Pinkerton Floyd has crossed the line! He abducted my cat this morning. When he brought her back her white half was dyed pink. He said he’d thought it over and decided she needed a new look.

  Lumina didn’t even seem to mind. In fact, she looked really pleased with herself. I swear I caught her checking out her appearance in the mirror and her guard love it. They couldn’t stop cleaning her. Of course it could have something to do with the fact that she now smells like cotton candy. Pink said she need a signature scent.

  Some days I really don’t understand that Zombie! Why is he fixating on my cat?

  June 8, 2017

  I woke up in such a bad mood this morning. I tossed and turned last night dreaming about cotton candy. I had to run out at 5 am to get some. Damn that Pinkerton Floyd! I barely even got to eat any of it. The cats were all over me the minute I walked in the door. Okay, so I ate some on the way home but everyone knows that doesn’t count.

  We don’t have training today so I’m planning on working on my super-secret dance routine. I’m thinking of adding a split. I just need to learn how to do one. It can’t be that hard. Right?

  I’m also working on some high kicks. Right now my kicks only reach my waist but I’m working really hard at it. I’ll have mastered it by the time the competition rolls around. It can’t be that hard.

  I have less than two months to get this all together but I’m confident it will all fall in place. My routine’s going to be awesome. I can feel it!

  Trust me. Have I ever lied to you? Don’t answer that!

  June 9, 2017

  It looks like Dirth Vader will be joining the Zombie Coalition. According to Titus, Dirth has his own group of followers. How that happened I have no clue. Who would agree to follow that Zombie?

  I don’t trust him to keep peace. Thankfully, neither does anyone else. Julia suggested we keep tabs on them. The Woodley twins volunteered for that duty. I was relieved to hear that because I have my hands full right now.

  Just between you and me I’ve secretly begun working on a flag for the Zombie Coalition. I guess designing my costume gave me inspiration. The background of the flag is sapphire blue. A pink and black cat with rainbow colored eyes sits in the center. I’m thinking of adding sequins. I can’t seem to help myself. Is it possible to have a sequin addiction? If so, do you know if they have a hotline?

  June 10, 2017

  Carmony caught me spying on her through her rose bushes. Have I mentioned her dance routine is really good? Well, it is. She said I’m out of control. I said control is overrated. There are a million things in life that are expendable in my opinion. Control is one of them along with the color beige, black licorice and smart phones. Back off! This is my list. If you don’t like it make your own!

  She banned me from her home so I banned her from mine and Pink’s. It doesn’t have to make sense. I did it. Don’t tell Pink!

  I don’t know why she got so bent out of shape. I warned her I was competitive. Didn’t I?

  Why are sisterhoods so fragile?

  June 11, 2017

  Pink asked me what was going on between me and Carmony. He thinks I did something! Can you believe that? It doesn’t matter that I did do something. He’s supposed to be on my side. Damn him for knowing me so well!

  I just told him Carmony can’t take the heat of the competition. He didn’t buy it. He said I should stop acting weird. I couldn’t help it. I laughed at him and told him this is no act!! I am weird. So what? In my opinion normal is a mirage. It doesn’t exist except in people’s minds.

  Julia Caesar noticed Carmony and I were at odds. It might have been our combat match that gave it away. Carmony was not nice. She tossed me around like a football then sat on me. I’m still burning with the humiliation of it.

  All I can think of is retribution. I think I’ll add bells to my costume and maybe my shoes. I may even add glitter to my skin. By the time I’m done I’ll glow in the dark like a damn firefly!

  Even if I don’t win it will take the judges weeks to get the vision of me out of their minds. I meant that in a good way!

  June 14, 2017

  Carmony is still not talking to me. As if that bothers me. Yeah, right. I don’t care. Why should I? Right? In my opinion sisterhoods are overrated. Really. I don’t miss her at all. Okay, maybe a lot little. Don’t tell Carmony!

  I came across my Zumba shirt and thought of her. Okay, fine! The truth is I’ve been wearing it for three days straight. I can feel Lumina judging me. Her guard won’t let me near her. You know things are bad when even your cats give up on you.

  How do I fix this? Maybe I’ll ask Pink. He’s the wiliest Zombie I know. I’m sure he’ll think of something.


  June 15, 2017

  Pink handed me a Hallmark card. He says all I needed to do was ask myself ‘What would a Human do?’. According to Pink, Carmony is resistant to our Zombie ways. She still feels the pull of her Human self. The outside of the card read ‘I miss you like CRAZY’ and had a cute picture of a dog that looked remarkably like Jasper. The inside of the card said simply ‘Sorry’.

  He says I owe him a favor. I told him I’d do whatever he wanted ‘if’ it worked. I really didn’t think it would. I mean, it’s a stinking card. Who would fall for that? Apparently Carmony. She loved the card. She said she missed me too and was sorry she banned me from her home.

  The sisterhood lives! Sisterhoods are the best. Forget what I said before. A Zombie has a right to change her opinion.

  June 16, 2017

  I couldn’t sleep last night worrying about what Pink’s next ‘favor’ will entail. He knows Carmony and I worked out our differences because she was chattering my ear off all during training.

  Before we left the compound he said he’d get back to me when he decided what he wanted. I didn’t like the smile he gave me. It looked evil. Maybe because the sun was reflecting off all his metal piercings or maybe because he has a dark heart.

  What if he wants Lumina? He’s been spending a lot of time with my cat. He’s like her favorite person since he dyed her hair pink and assigned her a cotton candy signature scent. He can’t have her! He’ll need to find another favor to ask.

  I’ll do anything else.

  June 17, 2017

  I now have a pink heart in my new nose piercing courtesy of Pinkerton Floyd. I should have known. I really need to stop asking him for help.

  Well, at least I still have Lumina. I think she’s jealous of my jewelry. I can tell she likes the way it sparkles in the light. So do I. Don’t tell Pink!

  I think it will go well with my dance costume. You can never have too much sparkle.

  June 18, 2017

  Julia took one look at my face and shouted, “What is going on with you two?” She didn’t believe me when I told her it was just Pink’s juvenile version of a favor exchange. Whatever, sometimes the truth can seem strange especially when it comes to Zombies.

  At least I didn’t have to put up with Titus since he’s training EZ and his friends. The rest of my group gave each other elbow nudges and knowing looks. As if there was anything to know.

  When Pink showed up he took a look at my nose piercing and grinned triumphantly when he noticed everybody’s reaction. He walked off whistling as if he hadn’t a care in the world. He is such a total ass!

  June 19, 2017

  I ran into Dirth Vader last night outside the fabric store of all places. I’d run out to get more sequins and fabric glue. He was lurking in the side alley. I think he may have been following me. I’m not sure why the Woodley twins didn’t warn me considering they are supposed to be keeping tabs on him but whatever. I beat him once. I could do it again if needed.

  It wasn’t needed. Dirth said he was there to apologize for his unfortunate behavior the day we met. He wanted us to call a truce. I agreed but declined his offer to walk me home. I told him I had firearms training with Titus which was a lie but he didn’t know that. I’m pretty sure he’s afraid of Titus because who wouldn’t be? He is a big guy and he looks really mean when he’s not making fun of me.

  I went ahead and walked to the shooting range even though I knew Titus wasn’t there. I just didn’t want Dirth to know I was lying. Titus wasn’t at the range but Pink was. I guess he wanted to get in some extra practice.

  Pinkerton didn’t bother asking if I wanted to have a shoot-off. He just set everything up and handed me a gun. As competitive as I am Pink is even more so. I’m sure if he signed up for the dance competition he’d bedazzle his piercings.

  Of course he won. Of course he crowed about it. I wasn’t that far behind him though. One day soon I will beat him. You just wait and see.

  While we were wrapping up I told Pinkerton about Dirth waiting for me so he could apologize. He didn’t like it at all. He says he doesn’t trust that Zombie one bit. Then he got angry at me for not calling him. Why would I? Okay, I probably would have but my phone battery was dead so I’d left it home charging. Pink really got angry at that. He says I need to get a real phone.

  The truth is I don’t trust phones that are smarter than I am. There are more than enough people in this world that make me feel inferior. The last thing I need is a phone that does the same thing. No thanks. It’s flip phone or no phone. Honestly I’m fine either way.

  The digital world can kiss my ass!!

  June 20, 2017

  Julia says Dirth apologized to her too. I don’t know. Maybe he’s actually being serious. Julia and I are giving him the benefit of the doubt but remaining cautious. Titus and Pink think he’s up to something. I guess we’ll find out eventually.

  The Woodley twins say they haven’t seen anything to raise any red flags but then they never even knew he was following me. They think he crawled out a window which, if he did, is suspicious in itself. I’m carrying my spoon just in case.

  Pink walked me home last night to make sure Dirth wasn’t around which is so ridiculous but it did give me a chance to show him my flag. He agrees sequins would be a nice touch. He also thinks I should add real fur to Lumina’s image. I’m not sure about that. I’m pretty sure she would object in a really aggressive way. Anyway, I’m not even sure Pink was serious. He was smirking when he said it.

  I’m pretty sure he liked it. How could he not? It’s awesome!

  June 23, 2017

  We have just over a month until the dance competition and I’m a little nervous. Well actually, I’m freaking the hell out! I may have thrown a hip out last night practicing my kicks. I don’t get it. How do the Rockettes do it? Oh, that’s right, with super long amazon legs! There is zero chance of my legs growing longer between now and July. Zero. Chance.

  My split is still non-existent. Maybe if I wear a longer skirt they won’t notice that I don’t go all the way down. Ignore that! I need to stop being negative. I can do this. I’m a Ninja in the making! If I believe it, I can achieve it!!

  June 24, 2017

  When I limped into training today Julia gave me a dirty look. I don’t care. Dancing hurts and she best understand that. Of course it doesn’t help my case that Carmony waltzed in looking fresh as a daisy. In the interest of our newly mended sisterhood I did not let her see my resentment. I swallowed it down like the bitterest pill.

  When she chose me to spar with I didn’t curse her out like I wanted to. Nope. I smiled and said how great that would be but honestly even on my best day I wouldn’t want to take her on. This was not my best day!

  When she smiled at me before landing that first punch something happened inside me or more specifically inside my head like a switch flicked on or like my crazy got dialed up to a thousand. One minute my head was swinging to the side from the force of her blow. The next thing I know my leg was flying up and my foot was kicking her in the side of her own head.

  I stumbled back a little to find Carmony laid out flat in front of me. Pink let out a holler and I was bouncing around with my arms in the air like Rocky Balboa. I beat Carmony! I literally knocked her out. And I did it with a kick to the head. My short leg did that!

  Today was the day I became a Ninja. For real.

  June 25, 2017

  Today at the shooting range every single shot I took was a kill shot. Every single one. Julia couldn’t seem to believe it. I think I’ll have the targets framed. Three perfect targets. I even beat Pink today! The Woodley’s didn’t even come close.

  I am still flying high from my victory over Carmony yesterday. It almost feels like nothing can bring me down. It makes me want to run and hide because those are usually the moments the world chooses to drop a bomb on you.

  I know I need to stop with the negative thoughts but I can’t seem to stop looking over my shoulder. In my experience the Universe is l
ike Pink. It doesn’t give you anything without demanding a favor in return.

  June 26, 2017

  This evening I was practicing my routine and the unthinkable happened. I completed my split! I did it not just once but three times. I’m happy and wary at the same time. What the hell is going on? It’s like I’m sitting on top of the world. Any moment someone’s going to knock me off. I just know it!

  Pink says it’s all in my head. I have to admit most of my trouble comes from there. I hope he’s right. He’s been really supportive lately. Yet another reason for me to be suspicious. What does he want?

  Lumina is loving having him around. My cat is a little infatuated with him. She doesn’t even steal his food anymore. She only steals mine or at least tries to. I’m not ashamed to admit I fight her for it. Don’t judge me! You don’t know my cat. You can’t show her weakness or she’ll walk all over you.