From the Mad Journal of Mercy Mayhem

by Cathy Gaitan

  Come to think of it, maybe I should practice that outside this house too. I need to think on this.

  June 27, 2017

  My dance routine is coming together perfectly. My high kicks are actually high! My split is actually a legitimate split. My cabbage patch and running man are on point. Wait! I wasn’t supposed to tell you that. You can’t tell anyone! No one can know. I can’t afford to have anyone steal my moves.

  Carmony won’t tell me if she’s made changes to her routine. She says it’s best if we don’t allow the competition to interfere with our lives. I don’t know how to explain to her. How to let her know. That competition is all I think about now!

  I dream about it. Last night I dreamed I was doing my routine. Well, it was kind of my routine. Parts of the routine in Flashdance were mixed in and it was me but not me. I mean it felt like I was doing it but it was Lumina wearing my costume and she looked flawless. She was also wearing a tiara for some reason.

  Are there levels of crazy? If there are I feel like I may have just leveled up.

  June 28, 2017

  Julia Caesar is having us run a faux mission. It’s basically war games in the woods. We’re to split up into teams. We’ll each have paint guns, a compass, a map, communication devices and our teammates. Pink and I were chosen as team leaders.

  We were supposed to choose teammates but when I suggested males against females Pink was more than happy to agree. Pink’s team consists of Abel, Caine, Tupelo, and Denim. My team consists of Carmony, Paisley, Kailani and Mary Mary. I know Pink thinks Mary ditto will be my downfall. She won’t touch weapons, hates physical combat and doesn’t run very well. He thinks she’s a weak link. I believe she could be our key to victory. I haven’t figured out how yet but I know it’s true!

  Instincts never lie and mine tells me our sisterhood is strong!

  June 29, 2017

  It kind of felt like girl’s night in the woods minus liquor and Julia Caesar. Titus and Julia were out there somewhere but we couldn’t see or hear them.

  As it turns out Kailani is awesome at tracking. She said she learned it from a Zombie she was dating in Colorado. After this mission I’m going to ask her to teach me. It seems like it could be a handy skill.

  We also had a great trapper in Mary Mary. Her real skill is actually disassembling traps. I guess knowing how to take one apart gives you a good understanding of how to construct one. She made sure to make the traps large enough for a male Zombie.

  I was hoping Pink would get caught in one. I really was. There was nothing I wanted more than to shoot that smirking Zombie full of blue paint pellets.

  Kailani wiped our tracks clean but we decided to leave Mary ditto’s. Her shoes leave happy face prints in the dirt which is pretty funny. Also, it’s her own distinctive mark. We were hoping Caine would freak out thinking she was wandering alone in the woods and get careless.

  It worked better than we thought it would. We ended up with both Woodley bothers. I guess Abel is still holding a torch for Mary ditto. It’s sad but in this case worked to our advantage.

  Mary Mary looked like she was going to cry when Carmony and I shot Abel and Caine. I wanted to laugh. Okay, I did laugh but it was so silly. She acted like we were going to kill them with paint pellets. I’ve been shot enough times by Pink to know it’s humiliating but not fatal.

  I hate to admit it but getting the Woodley brothers made us cocky. We got sloppy and walked right into a trap. Kailani took a hit straight to the chest and one just missed Carmony by no more than a couple of inches. I fell back literally over the side of a ridge. Luckily it wasn’t that far a drop. And there were lots of thorny bushes to break my fall. Yeah, lucky me.

  Carmony landed beside me. I’m pretty sure she went down on purpose. She rolled to her stomach with her gun aimed above us. It was so smooth I wanted to be jealous but I was too much in awe. I was still looking for my own gun.

  When I located my gun and settled beside her Carmony whispered that Denim and Paisley took each other out. Somehow that didn’t surprise me. Mary ditto was trapped on the other side of the clearing. I decided the best place for me would be a tree. I was not passing up my chance to be a sniper assassin.

  My climbing skills still need work. I’m pretty sure I looked like a geriatric cat with arthritis but in my mind I was a stealthy Ninja about to deliver Pink’s doom. Once I settled in comfortably I used the scope of my gun to do a scan of the area.

  Kailani, Paisley and Denim were sitting in the grass talking and laughing their bodies splattered with blue and pink paint. I didn’t see Mary but I could see Tupelo seated in a tree across clearing. The tree limbs did a pretty good job of covering him. He waved at me. He’s so friendly I thought as I shot him full of blue paint. It turns out the limbs didn’t cover him as well as I originally thought.

  So, the last male Zombie standing was Pink. What a surprise. I let Carmony know that Tupelo was out but to beware of Pink. When I got no response I knew it wasn’t good. I checked the clearing. Sure enough, Carmony had joined the graveside conversation.

  So just me and Mary Mary were last of the female team. I still didn’t know where the hell she was though. She hadn’t responded to my last call but I tried again. This time she answered. She said she’d dropped her ear piece and was scared because Pink had just walked past the cluster of bushes she was hiding under.

  Mary Mary said she was slowly creeping her way around the perimeter of the clearing. She went the opposite direction as Pink. I used my scope to search for her and again was not able to get a visual of her. She was better than I thought. Too bad she hates weapons. She could have taken Pink out by now. Just as I thought this I dropped my gun.

  As I bent to make a grab for it paint splattered the area where my back had been resting. I rolled and, yeah, fell out of the tree. I hit the ground hard and it felt like the ground hit back because it hurt like hell. Don’t worry, I’m a Zombie! I didn’t die and I only cried a little. Don’t tell anyone!

  When my head stopped ringing Pink was standing over me with a huge grin. He winked as he fired off four shots into my body. I felt splashes of pink paint splatter my cheek. “Game over,” he crowed.

  I guess he forgot about Mary ditto but she reminded him when she emptied the remaining rounds from my gun into his back.

  I wish I had a photo of his expression. It was better than Nerds!

  Mary Mary is my Hero! Sisterhood rocks!!

  June 30, 2017

  Julia let me have the day off because my team won but also because my whole body was throbbing. I wasn’t able to practice my dance routine so I concentrated on my costume. I’ve almost finished applying all the sequins and rhinestones. I just hope I don’t run out of glue again.

  I’ve considered adding appliques. What do you think? Never mind. It doesn’t matter. Of course I’m going to add appliques. Why wouldn’t I? Glittery gold stars would be perfect! Maybe I should add it to my flag also. I need to think on it.

  Pink was so bummed about losing yesterday. He was mostly upset because he overlooked an important detail in the form of Mary Mary. He prides himself on seeing all the angles of every situation. I think, because we’re always trying to best each other, when he beat me he felt like he’d already won. It was an automatic response. One that worked in our favor.

  I almost feel bad for him. Until I remember my 5k massacre. Then all I can think is he had it coming.

  July 1, 2017

  I woke up this morning in a blind panic. I have less than a month to prepare for the biggest day of my life! Okay, maybe not my life but whatever it’s close. I thought about videotaping my performance so I can see what it will look like to an audience but what if Pink gets ahold of it? Nope, that can never happen!! I’d end with pink skin and dressed like Leather Tuscadero.

  Maybe I could ask a neutral party to watch me perform. Mary ditto might be good. She saved our team in our wargames in the woods exercise. I’m pretty sure I can trust her as long as she doesn’t bring Caine. I kno
w he’d blab to Pink about.

  I’ll ask her tomorrow. In the mean time I better get back to rehearsing. I can’t afford to get rusty.

  July 2, 2017

  I think Mary ditto really liked my performance. She said she was ‘speechless’ and she looked it. I could tell my high kicks were really up there. I told her I would probably add a few more surprises before the competition but I wanted an honest opinion. At that point she started crying. I don’t know what was up with her.

  She said she had to leave to meet Caine but was happy I trusted her. It was a little strange but whatever. Mary Mary is very sensitive. My dance probably moved her to tears. I am definitely heading in the right direction.

  July 3, 2017

  Pinkerton is pestering me to show him my dance routine. I’ve refused him twice. I’m beginning to wonder if Mary Mary told Caine after all.

  Pink says he just wants to help me. I say he’s up to something. It’s not that I don’t trust him. Okay, that’s a lie. I don’t trust him. Not with my dance routine at least.

  I did show him my completed flag though. It’s beautiful. I added the fur he suggested. It’s faux fur not real fur like he originally intended. I wasn’t risking a limb trying to get it from Lumina. I added silver and gold appliqued stars to the sapphire background. I also added a glittery moon.

  Pink actually really liked the finished product. He says he was doubtful when I first showed it to him but I won him over. I don’t know whether he’s lying or telling the truth but I’m choosing to believe him.

  He asked be about my uniform and I told him it was still a work in progress. It’s mostly completed but I’m still hesitant to show him or anyone else. I really want it to be a surprise. I’m so happy with the way it turned out.

  July 4, 2017

  Julia and Titus held a cookout at the compound today. They invited our group, EZ Ryder and his friends, even Dirth Vader and his followers. It was interesting.

  Nobody died so I guess that’s something. I think Titus wanted to kill Dirth but he and Julia kept their distance instead.

  Pink dared me to shoot Dirth in the foot like I did Titus. He said he’d owe me any favor I asked. I have to admit, I was tempted. My name across his forehead flashed through my mind. In the interest of the Zombie Coalition I declined. The fact that Julia would have killed me may have also factored in.

  Paisley and Denim brought their instruments and played a few songs for us. It was nice. Kind of like a family.

  July 10, 2017

  It’s been a while since I last journaled. Julia and Titus are now trying to integrate EZ’s group with ours. They’re not as advanced so it’s been hard on them and nobody’s taking it easy on their group. Julia ordered us to train with them as hard as we would with each other.

  Some of them are pretty good with firearms. Mary Mary joining them at the firing range. Since our wargames exercise she’s decided it wouldn’t hurt to know how to shoot. She’s not committing to carrying a firearm but is willing to learn how to use one.

  Julia also has us climbing trees. I’m pretty sure that’s because of me. Don’t tell anyone!

  July 15, 2017

  The dance competition is next week. I told Pink about the dream I had of Lumina dancing in my costume and he laughed his head off. He wants me to make her a costume. I didn’t tell him I’d already started one.

  I didn’t show him my full routine but I did show him my high kicks. He was impressed. He said he never thought my short legs could make it that high. I choose to ignore the insult and take it as a compliment.

  I finished making additions to my costume a couple of days ago. It fits perfectly but it’s kind of heavy.

  July 18, 2017

  Carmony says my anxiety is making her nervous. I didn’t tell her I don’t care but, well, I don’t. If she doesn’t like it she will just need to step away. I can’t help how I feel!

  Am I losing my mind? A little bit but nothing new there.

  Pinkerton knows how I get. He doesn’t bother me when I’m like this. He doesn’t even try to talk me down. He just lets the crazy run its course. That’s the way I like it. Carmony needs to either hop on the crazy train or take a page out of Pink’s book.

  I’m afraid I may be like this until the competition. I didn’t tell Carmony that. No sense in scaring her.

  July 22, 2017

  Tomorrow’s the dance competition. I couldn’t sleep a wink last night thinking about it. I invited Pink over for my dress rehearsal. I figured if he’s going to laugh I’d rather have it happen in private that during the actual competition in front of a roomful of people.

  My costume is really heavy to dance in but I felt good doing my routine. All the twinkle lights were lit and the feathers danced with the movement. The bells tinkled, my sequins and rhinestones glimmered and my skin glittered.

  When I finished, I waited for Pink to laugh or make some rude comment but he didn’t. He clapped, he whistled, and he said, “I think that’s the best damn dance I’ve ever seen.”

  He told me my costume was almost perfect. He thought it needed one more thing. He said he’d think on it and let me know.

  Try as I might I just can’t imagine what it could be lacking.

  July 23, 2017

  Today was the dance competition. I wore a cloak over my costume while I waited for my number to be called. I wanted it to be a dramatic reveal. It seemed to take forever. I hadn’t heard back from Pink about what he thought was missing from my costume. I figured what does he know? It’s perfect as it is.

  I was three dancers away from performing when he showed up in back with a box. He said it was the last item I needed for my look. He got shooed away before I could open it. He didn’t like it but he left after shooting me a smile and a thumbs up.

  Inside the box was the mother of all tiaras. It had what looked like a million rhinestones and in the center was a huge pink heart. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen! I didn’t cry. Really. The light reflecting off the stones just hurt my eyes.

  When my number was called I walked to the center of the stage, tossed off my cloak, and waited a dramatic moment while the audience took in my costume. Then I began to dance. As I was in the middle of my first twirl I felt my costume give way. The weight of it ripping it from my body. That damn glue didn’t hold!

  I found myself in the middle of the stage in just my underwear and a giant tiara. It was like living one of my worst nightmares. After a horrific moment I stepped out of the costume which was pooled at my feet then went right back into my routine. Cabbage patch, running man, twirl, high kick, high kick, split.

  In my head all I heard was ‘I’m in my underwear. I don’t care. I’m a maniac, maniac, I know.’

  When my routine finished the room was dead quiet for a moment and then I saw my group in the front row stand up in unison and scream their heads off. Mary Mary was jumping up and down and Pink was whistling and waving his clapping his hands in the air.

  It was amazing!

  I didn’t win. Neither did Carmony but we had a great time. I survived another nightmare. See, crazy isn’t all bad. Sometimes it blocks out all the horrible until the sun comes up again.

  July 24, 2017

  Pink suggested, going forward, I try using a needle and thread instead of just gluing my costumes together. I guess that makes sense though I don’t think I’ll be making any more costumes. I’m pretty sure that was a one-off.

  Since Julia gave us the day off Carmony and Pink decided to hang out with me and my cats. Lumina is always happy to have Pink’s attention. She ignored Carmony completely though. Not that Carmony minded. I don’t think she’s a cat person.

  Carmony admitted she was really nervous during her dance routine. She says she messed up. As far as I’m concerned her dance was perfect. I think we were both just relieved to be done with it.

  July 27, 2019

  Julia and Titus are in discussions with Dirth about possible training exercises between our groups. Titus doesn�
��t really want to do it but says it would benefit us. I guess he’s right. Dirth is as close to an actual

  ‘enemy’ as we’re likely to get right now.

  Pink says he would love the chance to go head to head with Dirth. I don’t think that would happen though. Dirth considers himself more on par with Titus than Pink. I doubt he’d even participate.

  July 31, 2017

  Dirth Vader’s team went head to head with ours today. Five of their team members faced off with 5 of ours. Dirth doesn’t have female members so only the guys participated which is totally unfair. I know I could take most of them. I’m pretty sure Carmony could too.