Shaved Ape Key

by Jerry Boyd

  Janet said, “You have trouble, Captain? You always seem to have things under control.”

  I replied, “That’s my job, Janet. I have to seem like I know what I’m doing, so everybody else thinks we can get through things. I have a really good team backing me up, and they help me with almost everything. Nobody can do it all by themselves. I just try to think of all the ways things can go wrong, so that we can plan for them.”

  Janet’s eyes got big, and she thought for a minute. Then she said, “You mean you just do your best and try to get through things, like everybody else?”

  “Oh yeah! You think somebody taught me how to deal with a planet full of huge, hungry animals, with nasty hormones in the air? We all just do our best, whatever gets thrown at us. All you can hope for is that your best is good enough.”

  Janet said, “I need to think about things some more, I think.”

  I replied, “That’s nearly always a good idea, if you have the time.”

  The ladies took off to go to the village. Steve, John and Dingus walked up. John said, “Get the new action figure, Counselor Bob. Book of dime store philosophy sold separately.”

  Dingus said, “John, ain’t you being a little hard on our Captain? He’s doing what he can, trying to get people headed in the right direction.”

  John said, “I know that, and he gave her good advice. It’s just that when I fail to give him crap, he thinks there is something wrong.”

  Dingus said, “I see your point. This sure is a nice planet. Shame I didn’t bring Dot, I bet Greg would like to go for a ride.”

  John replied, “You may have to shanghai one of those Percherons. He was sure giving them the eye, earlier. Where did he get to, anyway?”

  Steve pointed. “He’s over there, with Snitz and Marcelle.”

  We looked, and all three of them were curled up together, having a nap. I said, “I guess Snitz and Marcelle worked it out.”

  Steve said, “Sure looks that way.” We heard a solid ‘thock’. Dingus said, “That sounds like an ax, only louder.”

  Looking toward the noise, we saw a Squatch swinging an ax worthy of Paul Bunyan. He opened up a nice notch and went around the other side. A few more strokes, and he let out a screech like an air-raid siren. Once the tree was down, we went over to see if we could help, and to get a look at his ax. He started up the tree, cleaning the brush off it. I pulled out my badge and turned it on. I said, “Where are you putting the brush, we can help with that much.” He turned, looked at me and said, “You are Bawb, who brought back our sisters. You do not need to work.”

  I said, “We sure ain’t going to stand and watch you. Can we help, or should we leave?” He grabbed some branches and said, “I’ll show you where I’m putting the brush.” We all grabbed some brush and followed him. He led us to a small gully, where he had been stacking brush to build the beginnings of a dam. He said, “I hope to stop the water here, and make a pond. Ducks will come. My mate likes duck meat.” Dingus said, “Best reason ever to do the work. Happy wife, happy life.” Our hairy friend said, “That is very true. I will remember what you say.” The four of us could keep up with one Sasquatch swinging an ax, but it was a near thing. Made me wonder about who Paul Bunyan really was. We weaved the branches together, so they wouldn’t wash away. Once we got all the brush cleaned up, he started in on the bigger branches, making firewood. He showed us where he left his wagon. It had the same Taz logo as his ax. We stacked it full and helped him pull it back to his place and empty it. One more load cleaned the tree down to its trunk. I asked, “What are you going to do with the trunk?”

  He said, “My mate is growing a belly. I need to build a room on our house.” Dingus asked, “How will you get it back to your place?” He said, “I’ll have to ask many friends. Will cost much garlic. Mate will not be happy.”

  I said, “Maybe we could help you out.”

  He looked at me. “You work hard, for Smallfoot, but I don’t think you can carry that log.”

  I replied, “Nope. But I have friends, too.” I got out my comm and called Ace. “You busy, Ace?”

  “Is that you, Boss? Turn off your badge, I can’t understand you with all that growling.”

  I fumbled with turning off the badge, since everybody was laughing at me. Finally, I got it shut down. “You there, Ace?” Ace replied, “Sure am, Boss. We just brought one in that was hard to get. My crew wants a break before we go out again.”

  I said, “I’ve got a fellow here who has a big log he needs moved. You think you could help with that?”

  Ace replied, “I think we could manage. I’ve got your location from your comm. We’ll be there in just a minute.” It wasn’t long at all till the recovery ship was hovering over us, and Hopper was riding the hook down to help us hook up. We found a place not too far from the middle where we could work a chain under it, and Hopper hooked up. Once it was solid enough to pass his inspection, he scampered back up the cable into the ship. We moved back, and Hopper began to winch it up. When he had it clear of the ground, Ace raised the ship. My comm rang, “Yes, Ace?” Ace replied, “Where do you want it, Boss?” I said, “Follow our hairy friend.” I hung up and turned my badge on. “You need to show him where you want the log.” He took off running back to his house. No Smallfoot had a chance of keeping up with him. By the time we caught up, he and Hopper had worked out where to drop the log, using gestures. Ace let it down easy, putting the butt end right where he wanted it, and then moving the ship to line it up. Our friend scampered around, putting cross timbers under it, so he would be able to cut it in pieces without hurting his ax. When Ace had it all the way down, Hopper pulled the chain, and rode the winch back aboard the ship. Ace waggled it a little bit as he flew away. I looked at our new friend, and said, “No garlic changed hands. You think that will make her happy?”

  “She will worry. She will think I owe you work in exchange.”

  I said, “You don’t owe me anything. Just helping out. Trying to be friends. You know my name, what should I call you?” He said, “I am Walking Bear. I am glad to be a friend of Bawb. Dingus, Steve and John introduced themselves. Walking Bear said, “I had planned to be working on that tree all week. Now I need to make a new plan.” I said, “Give me a minute, I might be able to help you get what you need.” I turned off my badge, and got Andre on the comm. “Aye, Boss. What can I do for you?”

  “Well, Andre, are your boys any good with building? Logging and such?”

  “They better be. That was one of our primary jobs, back in the day, getting colonies ready for humans. What do you need?”

  I said, “I met a fellow who is cutting logs to build on to his house, because his mate has a baby on the way. I think it would be good community relations to help out in a case of that kind, don’t you?”

  Andre said, “Why, yes, Boss, that sounds like real good community relations. Might even get us out of the doghouse with Mr. Miller for waking up all his cargo bots.”

  I asked, “Can you home in on my comm?”

  “Sure can, Boss.”

  “Bring your crew, let’s get this fella taken care of.”

  Andre said, “On it, Boss.”

  I hung up. It rang as soon as I did. “Captain Wilson.” Scotti said, “Boss, this is Scotti. Andre has requested I send a cargo container to the woods where you were earlier. Please remain clear of the area for fifteen minutes, while I guide it in.”

  I asked, “Do you have live video of the area to make sure no one else is there?”

  Scotti replied, “I have a drone up, giving me good views all around. Greg may need a change of underwear, but other than that, we’re clear.”

  “Sounds good. Thanks for letting me know.”

  “No problem, Boss. Talk to you later.”

  I said, “Later, Scotti.”

  I turned my badge back on. “We need to wait a few minutes before we go back to where you were cutting trees. My people are dropping in some tools to make the work go faster.” We stood around waiting, sho
oting the breeze, until John saw the parachute dropping toward the clearing. We started over to see what Scotti had sent us. By the time we got there, Andre had his boys opening the container and handing out tools. He saw me and came over. “Okay, Boss, what needs doing?” I killed my badge and asked, “Have you downloaded the Squatch language pack yet?”

  Andre replied, “I did. Figured it would be necessary on this planet.”

  “Then talk to this fella here. He’s the one needs the work done.” Andre and Walking Bear discussed what needed to happen, and how to go about it. Walking Bear wound up going around marking the trees he wanted with his ax. Then he supervised putting the brush into his dam. The Marines put his wagon to work hauling all his firewood home. Once the logs were clean, Andre asked Walking Bear how long he wanted them cut. They had to go look at what Walking Bear had laid out for the new room, since he hadn’t measured anything, just laid out what he wanted, and planned to cut to fit. Once Andre had the dimensions he needed. The Marines went back to work with their crosscut saws, making logs. I asked Andre, “Why no chainsaws?”

  He said, “Since we have power cores, it’s not that much trouble for us to use hand tools. They don’t break down, and they’re easier to carry. Besides, back in the day, our budget wasn’t much, so we used what money we had on more important things than pioneer tools.”

  John said, “Some things never change.”

  I asked, “I’m not upset, just curious. Why did you miss Abe when you were waking up Marines aboard ship?”

  Andre said, “I had a conversation with him about that. He’s an older model, from before they started making the Marines bigger. I never trained with him, so I didn’t recognize him, and neither did any of my guys. Just plain bad luck, Boss.”

  I said, “Murphy is our shepherd.”

  Dingus said, “Ain’t he, though. I’ve got a question, Bob.”

  “What do you need, Dingus?”

  “Do you need me to hang around? I’d like to get home to Dee, if you don’t need me for anything.”

  I said, “Well, I need you for lots of things, but nothing urgent. Things seem manageable, go ahead and take off. If you take one of the ships from here, be sure and have Scotti breathe on it before you hit the black.”

  Dingus said, “Thanks, Bob. See you back on Earth.”

  “Soon, I hope. I need a break from being a starship captain.”

  John said, “Be sure and tell Dee we said ‘Hi’ and we’re thinking of her.”

  Dingus replied, “I will.” He wandered off to find a ship.

  I found Andre and asked, “Is there anything we could help with, or would we just be in the way?”

  Andre said, “Sorry, Boss, but it’ll be quicker and safer if you guys just come back when we’re through.”

  “Understood. I’m not going to stand around and watch you guys work, we’ll see you later. Thanks for taking care of this for Walking Bear.”

  Andre replied, “I was actually thinking of going around and seeing if any of the other folks needed work done. It’s good for my guys to get something done, instead of hanging around waiting for something to do.”

  I said, “Talk to Ace. He may be able to keep a squad busy, at least part-time. He’s working harder than the Squatch want to, if I understood him right.”

  Andre said, “I’ll check on that, Boss. See you later.”

  “Bye.”

  Steve said, “What now, Boss?”

  I replied, “I guess we could go get that side-by-side and see if we can find where they are pasturing their livestock. I’m curious to see a Squatch cowboy.”

  John said, “Now that you mention it, I am too.”

  Steve said, “They took off that-a-way, Boss. It hadn’t ought to be too hard to track that many horses.”

  I said, “Okay, Rowdy. You’ve got shotgun, so you can see the tracks. John can ride in the back. “

  We headed back to where the ATV was parked. Greg and the animals had woken up, and Greg was sitting under the tree petting them. John said, “You want to go see the cowboys?”

  Greg, being a red-blooded American boy, said, “Yes!”. We all piled into the side-by-side and started tracking the horses. Like Steve had said, it wasn’t hard to see where they were going, especially since this looked to be a path they traveled frequently. We crested a ridge, and saw the herd spread out below us. I shut off the ATV, and we got out to look at them. A Squatch saw us and came riding up. I turned on my badge, as did John and Steve. Greg wasn’t wearing one. Once the cowboy saw who it was, he slowed up, and rode in easy. He said, “Mr. Wilson, it’s good to see you. Just looking at the stock?”

  I replied, “That, and we thought we might get to see some of you fellas working them.”

  “Sorry, Sir. We just got through moving them to this pasture. They won’t need to move again for a couple of weeks. It’s not the best ground, and they eat a lot, so we have to move them fairly often.”

  Greg said, “That’s okay, we’ll see it some other time.” John translated for him. The cowboy said, “He is patient, for being so young. My kids would never take it that well.”

  John said, “He’s been through some troubles. It takes quite a bit to shake him.”

  “Still, it is too bad he came all this way, and didn’t get to see the cow-boys. Do you think he would like a ride on my horse?”

  John translated for Greg, who agreed forcefully. John gave Greg his badge and handed him up to the cowboy. After Greg received instructions to hang on to the saddle horn, they took off. First, they walked, and then they trotted. Steve said, “Here it comes!”, as they broke into a gallop. After a while, they came back. The cowboy said, as he handed Greg back down to John, “Bring him back in a few years. He will make a good hand.”

  John didn’t have his badge, so I said, “Thank you, Sir. Good luck with your stock.”

  He replied, “Fly safe, Captain. We all need you around.” He took off, and we climbed back in the ATV and headed back. My comm rang, and I stopped to answer it. “Hey, Space Cadet, What’s up?”

  “First, Caveman, Bucky wants to know if you took the side-by-side.”

  “We did. We came out to look at the herd. We’re headed back now. How soon does she need it?”

  Nikki said, “She doesn’t. She just lost track of it and wanted to make sure it didn’t grow legs.”

  I said, “Yes, Ma’am, us desperate bandits have done made off with it. Steve says he won’t give it back to her without some serious smoochin’.”

  “That’s between them. Supper is almost ready. You bunch of hooligans better get back if you want fed.”

  I said, “We’re on our way. Love you. All three of you.”

  Nikki said, “We love you, too, Daddy.” She hung up before I could come up with an answer for that. We got back to the village just as Fred and Will got back from touring the island. Will came over to me, and I asked, “What’s the verdict?”

  Will said, “They like it, if they can get some help building houses.”

  Steve said, “From the looks of things, Andre and his boys will be more than happy to help.”

  Will replied, “That’s pretty much what Abe was saying. He wants to get his people out doing something, instead of waiting around for a call-up that might not come. He said something about memories from back when?”

  I replied, “Those boys were part of a Navy that was built up to deal with hostile aliens. The Commonwealth never found any. I haven’t heard exactly how long, but these folks waited around to be sent to war for years and years, until they were mothballed, and their memories locked. I can understand why they wouldn’t want to sit around and wait for something to do.”

  Fred had wandered up while we were talking. He asked, “Are they good help?”

  John said, “Ask Walking Bear. I think he would say they are. Didn’t even have to pay them in garlic.”

  Will asked, “They helped Walking Bear with that addition he was putting on his house?”

  I said, “Yep. He
lped him with damming the gully to make a duck pond, too.”

  Fred said, “Duck pond?”

  Steve said, “Apparently his wife likes duck.”

  Nikki hollered, “You turkeys better get washed up, if you want to eat.”

  We got cleaned up and went over to where the village was getting ready to eat. We thanked the deer’s spirit, and dug in. Just as we were finishing up, I felt a familiar presence behind me. I said, “I thought you were going to be gone for a couple more days, Knocks Hard.”

  Bugling Elk said, “He’s a fast learner. We got back early. How did you know we were here?”

  I replied, “I’m not sure. Knocks Hard snuck up on me before. It just felt the same. I think there’s some supper left, if you fellas are hungry.”

  Knocks Hard said, “Bawb, you always know the right thing to say.”

  I asked, “How is Falling Rain?”

  He replied, “She is well, Bawb, thanks to you and your friends.”

  I replied, “You’re not one of my friends anymore?”

  “I am. I have spoken with Farts-Like-Skunk. I wish to eat the chee-lee and become a Brother of the Wind.”

  Nikki said, “Bob, you will sleep in the woods.”

  I replied, “A small price to pay for the brotherhood. I will see what ingredients I can find here. I may have to bring some of the spices from Earth.”

  Steve spoke up. “He was asking about it before we left. We bought duplicates of your whole spice rack, and a couple of the biggest slow cookers I’ve ever seen. We brought dry beans, and some tomato and pepper plants in pots. Charlie transplanted them into one of his fields, and they’re doing well.”

  Nikki said, “Steve, you are E-ville.”

  Bucky said, “I talked him into it, Benny-Boo-Boo.”

  I said, “One of these days, you’re going to have to explain how you got that name.”

  Nikki said, “I suppose I am. It’s more showing than telling, though.” Bugling Elk and Knocks Hard wandered off to get something to eat. Bucky said, “What about your Mother?” Jane got a shocked look, and said, “You didn’t tell him? This is not good, Nikki.” I put my arm around Nikki and said, “Whatever it is, we will get through it.” I thought a minute, and said, as gentle as I could, “This isn’t the first time you’ve had a contraceptive implant go bad, is it?” She replied, “No, it isn’t. I almost got kicked out of the Academy over it, but I was able to prove I had damaged the implant in training.” I asked, “Your Mom is raising the kid?” She replied, “Yes, his name is Jimmis, he’s not quite as old as Greg.” I said, “She thinks I would be a bad influence, being primitive and all?”