Shaved Ape Key

by Jerry Boyd

  I said, “Ouch. I think I just earned myself a bunch more time in the simulator.”

  Nikki said, “I think you did, Caveman. C’mon, let’s get some supper.”

  I said, “Supper? What happened to lunch?”

  She replied, “You were busy, we didn’t want to bother you, it seemed like you were on a roll, until you hit that last one. We were beginning to think we would have to stop the machine to get you to quit.”

  The transit opened, and we walked across to the galley. I was tired enough that chewing was work, at first. Slowly, I started to come back to myself. Nikki said, “You look better than you did.”

  I replied, “I feel better. I didn’t think running a simulation would be that tiring.”

  Nikki said, “Normal people stop after a couple. They don’t go all day and decide to beat something nobody has beaten for thousands of years.”

  I asked, “You mean you’ve tried that one?”

  She said, “The one we had at the Academy was different, but I can see a lot of similarities. I think someone took the old program and changed the graphics.”

  I said, “So that’s what Steve was talking about. The Academy uses it as a no-win scenario, right?”

  Nikki asked, “How did you know that?”

  “When Steve got me out of the machine, he said Kobayashi Maru. It’s a no-win scenario in a TV show.”

  Nikki asked, “Is there anything you Earthlings can’t reference back to a TV show?”

  I answered, “Probably, but I don’t know what, right off the top of my head. It’s not like Bucky and you aren’t the same way about stuff from the Academy.”

  “I guess you’re right, Caveman. I just hadn’t thought about it that way.”

  I finished eating, and we went back to our cabin. Of course, I needed to practice there, too. I dreamed of all the stuff I had done in the simulator, until Snitz came by to lick my ear. He seemed to have more time this morning, so I took him by his grass box on the way to the galley. Once we got there, he got one last bunch of ear scratches and took off. Dixie brought me some coffee, and asked, “What would you like for breakfast, Boss?”

  I replied, “A western omelet, with hash browns and wheat toast.”

  Dixie said, “We can do that. It’ll be out in a few minutes.” When she brought my meal, she said, “Sally and I changed up your schedule in the simulator, if you feel up to working on it again today.”

  I said, “Made my schedule tougher, don’t you mean?”

  She replied, “We prefer ‘more challenging’, Boss.”

  I said, “I might as well. I dreamed about the mistakes I made all night. Better go use all that before I forget.”

  When I finished eating, Dixie cleared my dishes, and said, “Let’s take the transit, Boss. Wouldn’t want you getting lost on the way.”

  I replied, “You make it sound like I don’t want to do this.”

  “Sally says the only time she can corral you to train is when we’re in FTL, and with Scotti tuning the drives, that time keeps getting shorter and shorter. We need to take advantage of what time we have.”

  I said, “I suppose you’re right, but it still seems a little over the top.”

  Dixie replied, “Boss, you’re the first one in over ten thousand years to figure out how to beat that simulation you took down yesterday. We all want to see what else you have up your sleeve.”

  I replied, “So, no pressure at all, then.”

  Dixie said, “We have faith in you, Boss.” We got to the simulator deck, and Dixie got me ready to go. Once I was in the sim, I took care of a few things I had noticed in my dream. The biggest thing was that sim Scotti had yet to tune the FTL drive so we could come out without a flash. I put sim Topper and sim Zoom to putting a cutoff switch on the transponder. When all that was done, we tackled the next problem. Things went well, till we got to one where sim Tex, and sim Ruth had to work together. Once I got them on the same page, we were off and running again. I ran a few more, and then the machine flashed a message, ‘Session ended’. I pulled off my gear and got out of the machine to find out what was wrong. Dixie was standing there, seemingly frozen. I asked, “Gene, what’s wrong with Dixie? She appears to be locked up.”

  Gene said, “She is analyzing the results of your work today, Boss. If I understand correctly, she’s trying to figure out how you cheated.”

  I asked, “Why does she think I cheated?”

  Gene replied, “Because your scores are impossibly high. No one has ever posted scores that high, even Admirals from the old Navy.”

  I said, “All I did was let the bots do what they were good at. That couldn’t be considered cheating, could it?”

  Dixie woke up. She said, “I suppose we couldn’t call it cheating, but it certainly is a different technique than anyone has tried before. The old-timers didn’t trust us bots enough to let us help that much, so they weren’t able to do as well as you.”

  I asked, “Does that mean I have to do it again, without the bots help?”

  Dixie said, “No, that means you are better at using your resources than any Captain we have a record of. All the others tried to do too much themselves, and their ego took them down. How did you manage to avoid that trap, Captain?”

  I said, “Trying to do it all myself wasn’t working, so I tried something else. When do we start the next session, do I have time to grab some lunch?”

  Dixie said, “You don’t understand, Captain. You’ve completed all the sims we have available to put you through.”

  I said, “So, you and Sally have to work up something more, ah, challenging before you put me in there again?”

  Dixie said, “I suppose we do. I’ll get with Sally about that before we head back to Charlie’s Planet.”

  I said, “Well, if that’s all you have for me today, I’m going back up to the galley. Breakfast doesn’t seem to have held up. Maybe lunch will last better.” I wandered off, taking a new route through the ship, trying to find all the places I had yet to see. I managed to get to the galley without asking Gene for blinky lights, so I counted that a win. I was surprised to see Janet serving when I arrived. She asked, “What would you like to drink, Captain?”

  I said, “Unsweet tea, please. How are you doing, Janet?”

  She replied, “I have good times and bad times. Snitz and Marcelle are helping a lot. They cuddle with me at night and make me feel safe.”

  I said, “I’m glad you’ve found something that helps. Snitz must think you’re doing a little better. He stayed longer when he came to wake me this morning.”

  Janet said, “I guess I am. I’m afraid it may take some time yet, though. Sorry about stealing your dog.”

  I replied, “He knows where home is. He’ll be home when he thinks you can do without him.”

  Janet looked worried. She said, “I don’t know that I’ll get over needing somebody to cuddle with at night.”

  I said, “Maybe we need to find you a dog of your own, while we’re at Earth.”

  Janet lit up. “We could do that? I could have my own dog?”

  I said, “Jim Bailey is coming aboard at Earth, he has his own dog, I don’t see why you couldn’t, too.”

  She said, “Thank you, Captain. You’re the best.”

  She left to get my tea, and Nikki walked up. She asked, “What was all that about? She looked happier than I’ve seen her since before, well, Sam.”

  “I offered to let her get her own dog while we were in Earth space.”

  Nikki replied, “You are a softy, aren’t you? Were you the one who got Jane and Bucky to start her on self-defense, as well?”

  I said, “No, Ma’am. I didn’t know anything about that. I’m glad they’re doing it, though.”

  Nikki replied, “Diego isn’t. He was helping them, playing the attacker. He had to spend a couple of hours in the autodoc this morning.”

  I replied, “I’m glad she’s making good progress.”

  Janet returned with my tea. “Hi, Mrs. Wilson. Ruth
said to tell you we have Coke again, if you would like one.”

  Nikki said, “That would be lovely, thank you.”

  After Janet went back to get her Coke, Nikki said, “Are you headed back to the simulator this afternoon, Caveman?”

  I replied, “Nope. I played too rough. I don’t get to have my toys for a while.”

  She asked, “What do you mean?”

  Dixie came up to the table. “What he means is that he ran through all the scenarios we had available for him to go against, setting new record scores, and now he expects us to come up with new, harder problems for him to work on.”

  Nikki said, “Record scores? How did he do that? It took me a whole semester to get through the modern equivalents of those programs!”

  Dixie said, “He has a knack for figuring out which bot to assign to do the hard work for him, and he’s not proud enough to try and do it all himself. It’s the craziest thing Sally or I have ever seen, but he makes it work.”

  Nikki looked stunned. “Wait till Rimmi hears about this. She had the high scores on our versions of those programs. Some of them still stand.”

  I said, “Oh, come on. I had the bots to help me. You didn’t even know it was possible to unlock them.”

  Dixie said, “He’s right about that. He even had simulated Scotti tune the drives to eliminate the drive flare, so he could sneak up on his enemies. The things he got Tex and Ruth to do, well, it was amazing.”

  Nikki asked, “How so?”

  “He had Ruth calculating short FTL jumps around the enemy fleet, so that Tex could take a couple of shots, and then Ruth would jump in somewhere else for him to take a couple more. By the time the enemy could return fire, the ship had already jumped out. It was a slaughter. The Captain can fight his ship, no doubt about that.”

  I said, “The Captain has a dang fine crew to fight his ship for him, is closer to the truth.”

  Nikki said, “However you do it, I’m going to look at the sims, and see what you did.” I was saved from more of that kind of talk by Sally, who came over the intercom, saying, “Captain Wilson, to the bridge, please, Captain Wilson, to the bridge.” I ran to the transit, which opened as I was running. Gene was getting pretty slick with this transit priority stuff. It took off as soon as I was inside, without me even having to ask. The doors opened on the bridge deck, and I ran in. Topper called, “Captain on the bridge!”. I replied, “As you were. Report.”.

  Sally said, “Captain, we are about to exit FTL in the Earth system. I assumed you would want to be at the conn for that.”

  I replied, “Indeed I would. I have the conn.”

  Sally said, “Your ship, Sir.”

  I said, “Mr. Topper, Transponder off, please. Bring us in nice and quiet. Helm be ready to make a short jump to clear any hazards we may encounter. Gene has a bad history with this system. Sensors, I want a good picture of what is going on in the system as soon as you have it. Be sure and give Tex your scans as soon as they come in. Tex, be alert, but don’t power any weapons till you have a valid threat.” The call of “Aye, Sir!” went around the bridge. Ruth came onto the bridge and relieved the other bot at Helm. I asked, “Did you get the current orders, Ruth?”

  She said, “I did, Boss. Any particular direction you want that emergency jump headed?”

  I replied, “You can calculate where it needs to go much faster than I can. Just put us where the danger ain’t.”

  Ruth said, “On it, Boss. Coming out of FTL in five, four three, two, one, now.” We eased back into the real world, with no meteor showers or anything else wanting to hurt us. After a minute or so, Sensors called out. “System looks peaceful, Sir.”

  I said, “Ruth, find us a hiding place as close to the Earth as you can. Be careful of reflecting light anywhere the Earth or the Patrol can see it.”

  Ruth said, “Sneak up as close to Earth as I can. Yes, Boss.”

  I asked, “Mr. Topper, put me on the intercom, please.”

  He looked at me and gave me a go sign. I said, “This is Captain Wilson. We have arrived in the Earth system. Anyone with a need to go planet side, get with Sally about scheduling.” I gave Topper a cut sign. I asked, “Topper, do you have a plan for moving the shop?”

  Topper replied, “Well, Sir, I’m sure you wanted to show off your new Gig while you were here, but if we take a freighter instead, we can pack the whole shop in one load. We’re going to be giving the Earth’s defenses enough to think about, without taking an extra ship.”

  I said, “Sounds reasonable. Can you get the Audi aboard, or will we have to fly it back separately?”

  He replied, “We have it planned out so that there will be room aboard the freighter. Last thing we need this trip is a honkin’ big ion trail.”

  I said, “Don’t let Mrs. Wilson hear you say that, or she’ll have you cleaning septic recycling with a toothbrush.”

  Topper said, “Aye, Sir.”

  I turned to Sally. “Are you going to have enough crew, with all the people heading to the planet?”

  She replied, “Already planned out, Sir.”

  I asked, “Did you know that Janet is going with me and Mrs. Wilson?”

  Sally said, “No, I didn’t, but one Engineering tech trainee won’t run me short.”

  My comm rang. “Captain Wilson.”

  “Captain, this is Ace. I was wondering how you wanted to schedule these recoveries.”

  I replied, “You’ve got them grouped geographically, right?”

  Ace said, “I’ve got each crew assigned to three sites in roughly the same area, yes.”

  I said, “I think our best bet would be to wait until each team’s area is dark and send them out. That will give us a wave of recoveries that goes around the globe in the space of a day. If anyone misses one of their saucers, they can go back the next night. Sound okay to you?”

  Ace said, “Yes. Do you want me to start right away?”

  I replied, “Please do. Do a stealth check on all ships before they leave the ship, please. We don’t want to have trouble over a stupid mistake.”

  Ace said, “Understood, Boss. Murphy is our shepherd.”

  “Fly safe.”

  I turned back to Topper. “Do you have a crew and ship picked out for our part in this little shindig?”

  “I do, Boss.”

  I said, “Page your replacement, and go get that ready to rock then, please.”

  “On it, Boss.”

  I said, “Gene, please page Steve and Janet to the launch bay. Tell Janet she needs to pack for a week away from the ship.”

  Gene replied, “On it, Boss.”

  I pulled out my comm, and dialed Nikki. “Hi, Space Cadet. We’re headed to the house as soon as we can get packed. Topper has a ship waiting in the launch bay.”

  She replied, “Good thing he told me ahead of time, Caveman. I’m already aboard, with our stuff. Where are you?”

  I said, “Still on the bridge. I’ll be there shortly. Love you.”

  “Love you, too, Caveman.”

  I turned to Sally, “You have the conn, Commander.”

  She replied, “Aye, Sir. I have the conn. Fly safe, Sir.”

  “You, too.” Topper and Ruth’s replacements came on the bridge and relieved them. The three of us headed out to the transit together. I asked, “Anybody else miss Taz?”

  Ruth said, “Sure do.” Topper said, “I’ll be glad when he’s back. I worry about him, way out there in the black.”

  I said, “Me, too, Topper. Me, too.” The transit stopped, and we started to get off, when we realized we weren’t at the landing bay yet. Steve got on, and asked, “What do you need me for, Boss?”

  I replied, “I need you to catch your cat, so I don’t take him to Earth with me, and get him lost.”

  Steve replied, “I haven’t seen him in two days. How do you expect me to catch him?”

  I put my hands together, bowed a little, and said, “Wait and see, Grasshopper, wait and see.”

  Topper asked, “You
need a pebble for him to try and snatch from your hand, Boss?”

  I said, “I do not think this one is ready to leave, Master Topper.”

  Steve said, “You even have the bots helping you with your load of crap, Boss. That ain’t even fair!”

  Ruth put her hands together and bowed slightly. “Life is not fair, Grasshopper. This you must learn.”

  Steve said, “I give up. Your Kung Fu is best.”

  The door opened, and saved Steve from any more teasing at our hands. Sure enough, Janet was there, with Snitz and Marcelle. I pointed, and said, “I believe that is your fugitive, right there, officer.”

  Steve said, “Thanks, Asshole.” Steve picked up Marcelle and gave him pets while we went aboard. Marcelle acted like he wanted to get violent, but Steve kept him calm. I ran the ramp up before he got loose. I said, “I hope we got everybody, I don’t want to give that old tom another chance to get aboard.”

  Topper said, “All present, Boss.”

  Janet asked, “Why couldn’t Marcelle come with us?”

  I answered, “Tom cats have a tendency to wander. We wouldn’t want him to be wandered off when the time comes to go back to the ship. We already got him out of one animal shelter, we don’t need to do it again.”

  Janet said, “Why did you have to get him out of an animal shelter?”

  I replied, “I didn’t. Steve did. He had to leave in a hurry, and he couldn’t go back to get Marcelle because people were watching his shop. He had to wait until Marcelle got picked up and taken to the animal shelter before he could go get him.”

  Janet said, “I’m sorry to be a pest, but I still don’t understand. Why did Steve have to leave in a hurry, and why were people watching his shop?”

  I said, “Janet, the government down on the planet wants Galactic technology very badly. They are willing to catch people and do bad things to them, to get it. They figured out that Steve knew people with access to that tech. So, they waited for him to come home, so they could catch him and make him tell who we are. That’s why you need to be careful, while we’re here, to only speak English, and never tell anyone where you’re from.”