Shaved Ape Key

by Jerry Boyd

  She asked, “What should I say if someone asks?”

  I answered, “Illinois. People there are enough different that most folks will believe that, but it’s not exotic enough to cause more questions.”

  Nikki came over the intercom. “Caveman, can you open the barn? Dingus has made off with all our little bots.”

  I hit the button and replied, “Sure, Space Cadet. Let me run the ramp down.” I ran down the ramp and opened up the barn. Janet ran the ramp up, and Nikki backed into the barn. When she was inside, I commed Dingus. “Hi, Bob. When are you getting in?”

  “We just pulled in the barn, Dingus. I hope you put those bots to good use.”

  Dingus said, “Rangy has ‘em for lookouts, so that he doesn’t get caught loading livestock on to a space freighter. Snoopy kids can wind up blackmailin’ you into all kinds of stuff, don’t you know.”

  I replied, “You’re sharp today. Is there anything you need out of the little shop?”

  “Nope. You’re packing up?”

  I replied, “I figured we ought to carry off all the Galactic tech, and there’s not really a need to leave the rest of the tools here. I’m beginning to lean toward just leaving quietly, and not waiting till we have to bugout in a hurry.”

  Dingus said, “That sounds like a good idea, at least to trim the operation here down to the essentials, so we have less to move. You mind if Dee and I come over and bring supper? She’s been wanting to see you folks.”

  I said, “That sounds fine to me. We do have an extra. Teenage girl, I doubt she can eat more than her weight.”

  Dingus said, “I bet there’s a story there.”

  I replied, “Not really. She took up with Snitz, wants a dog of her own. I figured to take her to the pound while we were here, see what we could find.”

  Dingus said, “Bob, I know you better than to believe that’s all there is to it. Dee will get it out of you tonight.”

  I said, “I’d rather she didn’t. The girl has had a rough time, lately. I hear you got Richard’s gun back to him. He like it alright?”

  Dingus said, “He likes it fine. Can’t shoot to save his life, but he’s glad to have his Granddad’s gun fixed up nice.”

  I asked, “Did you fellas leave me plumb out of beer? I’ve got a few hours where I don’t have to be ‘Captain Wilson’, and I’d like to drink a beer or two.”

  Dingus replied, “Would I do that to you? We just rotated your stock. Didn’t want you coming home to stale beer.”

  “That’s Dingus. Always lookin’ out for the other fella.”

  Dingus said, “I still can’t figure why your eyes ain’t brown, Bob. See you tonight.”

  “Later.”

  I commed Max, didn’t want him to feel left out. “Hey, Max! How’s my favorite bean counter?”

  “You can’t fool me, Bob Wilson. I know Joanna is your favorite.”

  I said, “Dangit, I’m busted.”

  Max asked, “What do you need this time, Bob? Tabasco Sauce?”

  I replied, “Wouldn’t hurt to put some in the next load that ships, but we’re not critical on it yet. If we have to eat much of that meat your Dad bought, we may go through it faster.”

  “So, what did you call about, Bob?”

  I said, “I thought you might want to know we landed a few minutes ago. Your Dad is bringing supper, better let him know if you’re coming.”

  Max asked, “You’ve already landed? I didn’t even think you’d be here till this evening.”

  I said, “I’ve got a heck of an Engineering crew. They’ve been tweaking things to get us where we want to be quicker.”

  Max said, “I guess so. Leave it to Bob, to find a better way.”

  I said, “See you tonight, then?”

  Max said, “See you then. Bye.”

  “Bye.”

  Janet came up to me and asked, “So this is where you live? I was expecting something a little more, I dunno, impressive?”

  I said, “No, this is where we park ships. Even the shop where the bots work is nicer than this.”

  Topper said, “Only because we put it up ourselves.”

  I asked, “You folks headed down to get started taking the shop apart?”

  Topper replied, “Yeah, the only thing I’m worried about is getting Taz’s drums back without hurting them. One scratch and I’ll never hear the end of it.”

  I said, “Let me know if you need anything.”

  He replied, “Is it okay if I move the ship, when we’re ready to load up?”

  “As long as you keep the stealth running, I got no problem with that.”

  “What about the Audi?”

  I said, “You’ll have to ask Nikki. I think she’ll probably want to load it herself.”

  Nikki came out of the ship just then. “I’ll probably want to load what, Caveman?”

  I replied, “Your Audi.”

  She replied, “Topper is careful. It’s you I worry about. Come and get our bags, would you please?”

  I grabbed the bags, and we headed for the house. Janet said, “Now, this looks more like it. Is this where you found Nikki in the garage?”

  I said, “Nope, that place is in town. We may be able to go look at it, if Joshua hasn’t rented it out, yet.”

  Nikki unlocked the house, and we all went in. Snitz ran and found his favorite spot to lie down. I took our bags into our room, and then I asked, “Where should we put Janet?”

  Nikki said, “I don’t know. Is Joanna staying here, or not?”

  I answered, “I know she wasn’t while Dingus was out of town, but I don’t know what’s going on now.”

  Nikki said, “Just put her in the other room, that will work wherever Joanna is sleeping.”

  Janet followed me in the room. She said, “All this is just for me?”

  I said, “Yep.”. I pointed to the other door. “In there is the bathroom. The shower is a little small, but you’re not all that big, either.”

  She looked at me, perplexed. I hollered, “Nikki, darling, I need help in here.”

  Nikki came to the door. “Yes, Bob?”

  “Do you think you could explain the bathroom to our young guest? I don’t think that’s something I should do.”

  Nikki said, “These Earthlings, they get embarrassed so easily. Come here, I’ll show you how everything works. At least he got all the heavy lifting done before he found an excuse to be somewhere else.”

  I went to find one of those fresh beers Dingus had mentioned. Snitz saw me taking it out on the porch, so he decided to come along. We sat, watching the world go by, for quite a while. It was nice to get some downtime. Tomorrow would be soon enough for Frisbee. Someone must have put a sleeping pill in my beer. I woke up when Dee and Dingus pulled in the drive. I helped Dingus carry things into the house. Dee said, “Being Captain must agree with you, Bob. You look good.”

  I replied, “I think it’s all the exercise I get trying to keep up with things.”

  Dingus said, “From what I’ve seen, you’re doing pretty well.”

  I replied, “I was wanting to talk to you about that, while I’m in town. Something came up the other day, and I’d like to hear whether you think I did the right thing.”

  Dingus looked me in the eye, and his voice was serious when he said, “Bob, you did what needed to be done. Me or anybody else has no right to second guess you.”

  I replied, “Thanks for that. You heard what happened, then?”

  Dingus said, “Nikki called and told me. She was worried about you.”

  I said, “I was, too. There’s more to sitting in the big chair than I thought.”

  Dingus replied, “You’ll get it, Bob. You’ve got a good start.”

  “I hope you’re right. An awful lot of people are depending on me to get it right the first time.”

  Dingus said, “Sally sent me your scores on the sims. I don’t think they have too much to worry about.”

  I studied on what he said for a moment, and then the implications c
licked. “Oh, crap! You’re helping Sally with the new simulations, aren’t you?”

  “I might be providing some aid and guidance, nothing of much consequence, why do you ask, Bob?”

  I replied, “I’ve been through your training courses before, Dingus. I know something about what to expect.”

  Dingus said, “You were the one who had to go and max out the old sims. Sally and that new girl, Dixie, are just floored by what you were able to accomplish.”

  “I don’t see what the big deal is. I just let the bots do what they were designed to do and provided precious little guidance along the way. If you want to get excited about somebody, get excited about my crew. They’re the ones who did amazing things. I was just barely smart enough to stay out of their way.”

  Dingus replied, “That’s the amazing part, Bob. There’s never been anyone who captained a starship, who didn’t have too much ego to do what you did.”

  “What are you trying to tell me, Dingus?”

  “What I’m telling you is, your humble nature, and ability to know when you’re out of your league, makes you the most deadly starship captain that ever sucked wind. I could take the top grads of the Guide and Patrol academies, train them for a solid year, and not get even one Captain who could do what you can.”

  I replied, “All this horsecrap must be leading up to something, Dingus. What are you trying to get me to do?”

  Dingus said, “Well, I’d like to try and download your skills into a training program. So much of it has to do with your personality, I don’t know how well it will work, but I would like to try.”

  I asked, “To what end? The Commonwealth looked for hostile aliens for hundreds and thousands of years, and never found a one. What do you need with a training program of what did you call me, ‘The deadliest starship captain who ever sucked wind’.”

  Dingus said, “And I know you think you’ve found aliens. Don’t try and deny it. Sally made me swear I wouldn’t report it to the Guide. She can still push my buttons, after all these years.”

  I said, “That’s all well and good, but Nikki’s still active duty. If she hears us talking, she won’t have any choice but to report.”

  Nikki stepped onto the porch. She said, “About that, Caveman. I’ve realized there is no way I’m ever going back to the Guide. I sent my resignation as soon as we came out of FTL.”

  I asked, “Aren’t you still part of the reserve, or something?”

  Nikki said, “Only what you would call the inactive reserve, and that doesn’t put me under any requirement to report anything.”

  “You’re sure? The way things have been going, I don’t even know where we’ll be living.”

  She said, “As long as I have you and the kids, I really don’t care if we’re here, or Shaved Ape Key, or someplace new we haven’t even found yet.”

  I replied, “Thank you. Having to keep this from you has been terrible. How do you think Bucky and Rimmi will take it?”

  “Bucky was about ready to forge the papers, if I didn’t do it. She could see how much I wanted to resign and just work with you. I haven’t talked to Rimmi about it yet, but I’m sure she will understand. She could see how good we were together when she was here. She was devastated when Billy wouldn’t help me raise Jimmis. She always thought I should raise a family, rather than travel the stars.”

  Dingus said, “Now you get both. I’m happy for you.”

  Nikki asked, “Really, Grandpa? I feel like I’m letting you down, not sticking with the Guide, after you fought so hard to make us Slongums a place there again.”

  “I see how you might think that way, Granddaughter, but I went into the Guide for adventure. Can you stand there with a straight face, and tell me you are going to travel with Bob Wilson, and lack for adventure?”

  Nikki mused on that for a moment, and said, “Now that you put it that way, Grandpa, I guess I’m not letting you down at all.”

  Dingus got serious. “You will if I don’t get to play with them grandbabies.”

  Nikki replied, “All right, but no tactical training till they’re fifteen.”

  Dingus said, “Oh, c’mon, there’s lots of things they can learn when they are five. No need to handicap them by starting them late.”

  Nikki said, “I know I’m not going to win that one. Between you and Bob, you’ll have pistols built with grips to fit their tiny hands, before they are ready to learn to read.”

  If you had seen it, you wouldn’t believe that Dingus and I had never practiced, but it was spontaneous. We said, “Who, us?”, in perfect unison.

  Nikki replied, “Yes, you!”

  We were saved from the further wrath of Nikki by the arrival of John’s Wagoneer, followed by Joanna’s Datsun.

  When I saw Greg get out, I stood and braced for the flying hug. Of course, I was trumped by Uncle Dingus, who got a flying lap plant. That boy likes his motorsickle rides. I said, “Hey John, I didn’t realize you folks were coming down.”

  Jane replied, “Gail and Dixie have medbay under control, we figured we might as well. We brought some food, since nobody knew we were coming.” I went out to help carry stuff in, and said to John, “You know who we really need to get planetside while we’re here is Frank. I’m sure Wilma would like to see him.”

  John said, “Actually, I took care of that. Wilma had a couple days off, so I sent her to the ship instead.”

  I replied, “That would be way easier than trying to pry Frank out of his lab. I hope she can give us some idea what he’s working on, after she visits with him. All signs point to him being right before another breakthrough, but I don’t have a clue what he has up his sleeve, so I have no way to plan for it.”

  Jane said, “I get the impression she’s so used to him talking over her head that she doesn’t really try to understand what he says anymore. If she has anything to tell you, it’s going to just be vague hints.”

  I said, “That’s way more than I have now. Oh, FYI, it’s okay to talk about the aliens in front of Dingus and Nikki, now. Nikki resigned her commission, and Sally made Dingus promise not to report us.”

  John said, “That’s got to be a relief, Bob. I know it was eating you up, not being able to talk to Nikki about all of it.”

  I replied, “It does feel better, even though I haven’t really briefed them on it yet.”

  Jane said, “Maybe we can take care of that this evening. Dee probably needs to be read in as well.”

  Joanna and Max walked up from where the Datsun was parked. I said, “We need to let these two know what is afoot, as well, unless Max still has an obligation to report what he hears.”

  Max said, “I never made officer, so I don’t have any such obligation, Bob. If you’re doing something detrimental to the health of the Commonwealth, I’ll rat you out so fast your head will spin, but I can’t imagine you would do that.”

  I said, “Your Dad, and your daughter, are okay with what we’re doing, I can’t imagine your opinion would be that much different.”

  Joanna asked, “Do I get to be in on the big secret, too?”

  John said, “I don’t see any reason why not, do you, Bob?”

  I said, “Nope. She already hides three impossible things before breakfast, one more isn’t going to be a biggie, I wouldn’t think.”

  Jane said, “That leaves Janet and Greg.”

  I said, “If Janet hasn’t at least gotten wind of what’s going on, she’s not half the tech I think she is. Greg, well, as busy as we’ve all been aboard ship, there are probably things he knows about Gene that I don’t.”

  John said, “You know him better than anyone, Sweetheart. Do you think he can keep a secret?”

  Jane replied, “First, it doesn’t look like we’re going to be spending much time here, anyway. Second, who would believe a little boy spinning tales about a huge starship his Uncle flies. And third, he hasn’t leaked yet, I think he’s going to be fine.”

  I asked, “Just to be clear, that means we’re free to talk about things
over supper?”

  John said, “It wouldn’t be a bad idea to have someone scan for listening devices before we do, but yes.”

  Joanna said, “I’ve been running a scan every day since Dingus got home and I moved back over here, but we can run another one before we eat. Never hurts to be careful.”

  I said, “Murphy is our shepherd. I’m sure the Major is very curious about what we’re up to lately, even if he is a friend, nowadays.”

  Joanna replied, “You don’t know the half of it, Bob. He’s been calling, trying to chat me up, and see if he can get me to spill the beans. It would be irritating if he wasn’t so pitiful at it.”

  I said, “Sounds like someone is pressuring him into trying it, but his heart really isn’t in it. I’m curious, what did he have to say about the greeting we gave them out at Charlie’s planet?”

  Joanna replied, “Is that where he went? He wouldn’t tell me. I haven’t heard from him since he left. Surely you didn’t beat him here, did you?”

  I said, “Scotti and Frank have been working wonders with the drive. I guess we could have, but they had a good head start on us.”

  Dee came to the door, and said, “Are you idiots going to stand out there all night talking, or are you going to come and eat?” We went in and cleaned up for supper. Joanna ran her scan. We all sat down, and after Dingus thanked the spirits of the animals, we dug in. Sally and Ruth had been feeding me well aboard ship, but everything just seemed tastier here. I don’t know if it was being out from under the responsibility for a bit, or just being home, but it sure was tasty. I said, “Wow, Dee, that’s good!” The idea went around the table that the food did taste better, here. Nobody had any idea why.

  Finally, Dee couldn’t hold it in anymore. She said, “Okay, dangit. I got the recipe from Susie Collins. She sure knows how to make a tasty meal.”

  I said, “She can cook like this? Suddenly Richard trying to hijack us with that old wall-hanger makes a lot more sense.” Nikki punched me in the shoulder, playfully.

  She said, “Don’t you think there’s more to their marriage than Susie being a good cook?”

  I replied, “I’m sure there is, but that can’t hurt.”

  Dingus spoke up. “Richard is good people. I just don’t think he ever had anybody to help him understand how to be a man. I think I may have volunteered to be his mentor, without really meaning to.”