Shaved Ape Key

by Jerry Boyd

  I said, “He could do a lot worse.”

  John chimed in, “Ain’t that the truth. Can I be next?”

  Dee said, “You boys be nice. You’re gonna embarrass my Space Ranger.”

  We had been away too long. Our mouths engaged before our brains. “Yes, Ma’am.” I pulled my billfold, and gave John a dollar, “I think it’s my turn to pay, ain’t it?”

  Dee was grinning ear-to-ear as she got up and danced for her dollars. She said, “You would think you boys would learn better.”

  I replied, “Maybe we just like the show.”

  Dee replied, “Bob Wilson, I am going to catch you with those contacts out, one of these days.”

  Janet looked perplexed. She asked, “What was that about?”

  I replied, “When we first met Dee, she was older, and not the stunning beauty she is nowadays. We called her Ma’am, out of respect. When she got out of the autodoc, looking like she does now, she decided we shouldn’t call her Ma’am anymore. She shook her heinie in my face, and asked me, ‘Are you gonna Ma’am this butt?’. Since then, every time we slip up, she dances, and we give her tips, because she does such a good job.”

  Janet asked, “Is that some kind of Earth custom?”

  I turned a little red, and Dee said, “I’ll take over for you, Bob. I know you can’t handle the tough parts. Sweetie, on Earth there are places where men can go and pay money to see women dance and take off their clothes. In those places, it is customary for the men to tip the ladies, by tucking money into whatever clothes they have left on. These two doing that to me is kind of a compliment, and kind of a joke, since the amount of money they tip is nothing compared to what all of us have, from bounties we’ve collected on Galactic fugitives.”

  Janet said, “I think I understand, now. They aren’t serious, but they want you to know they appreciate you playing the game with them?”

  Dee said, “I believe you have the idea, little girl. Just so we’re clear, you’re too young to start playing those kinds of games with men.”

  Janet said, “I know. Jane is helping me learn to say no in a way that will get me listened to.”

  Dee said, “I’m sure she is giving you good training, but I’d like to show you a few things, as well, if you don’t mind.”

  Janet replied, “I think I’d like that.”

  The conversation turned to other topics, and we finished the meal. Dee said, “Okay, Bob. Space Ranger says you’ve got at least one, and maybe more, Secret Squirrel projects going that you’ve been keeping close to your chest, because you didn’t want to make Nikki choose between loyalty to you, and loyalty to the Guide. She’s all done with that, so you can spill it, right now, you hear?”

  I said, “That was a bad choice of words, Dee. At least for one of the things we have going, and we think probably for both of them. We really need to come up with a new phrase, other than ‘Secret Squirrel’. The fellow that Ace found marooned on Charlie’s Planet definitely looks like he may be descended from something very similar to a squirrel. We haven’t tried to wake him up, we’re waiting till we can hopefully decipher some of his language, to make sure we go about the wake-up procedure properly. John and Jane are fairly sure they’ve found the emergency wake up button, but they, and I, would rather wake him up more slowly, in a more normal fashion. Meeting him is going to be stressful enough, without him thinking there is an emergency.”

  Joanna asked, “You’ve found a real, live, Secret Squirrel? If I hadn’t had Steve’s cold-reading course, I’d swear you were pulling my leg, Bob. I’m still not sure I believe you.”

  Jane said, “He’s telling you the truth, Joanna. I know it’s hard to believe, but it is for real.”

  Joanna asked, “So, does he have a cute, furry tail?”

  John said, “No. Near as we can tell, his folks lost their tails when they came down out of the trees, just like us.”

  Dingus asked, “You mentioned more than one project you had going?”

  I said, “Well, I sent Phonelia and Veronica off looking for lost colonies.”

  Dee asked, “Veronica?”

  Nikki replied, “He asked her what she wanted to be called, and she said, ‘You can call me anything you like’. So, Veronica it was.”

  Dee looked at me. “I never would have guessed you were an Elvis Costello fan, Bob.”

  I said, “I’m not, really, but Veronica is such a pretty tune, and if you listen to the lyrics, it’s kinda deep, too.”

  Dee asked, “So you don’t know any of his other songs?”

  “I always kind of liked ‘Watching the Detectives’, but the other one I get a kick out of is “Let ‘Em Dangle’.”

  Jane said, “I should have known. Bob, the world’s biggest twelve-year-old.”

  Dingus said, “That wasn’t what I was asking about, Bob. You know that.”

  I said, “Okay. Sorry, force of habit. Taz and Willum are off looking for aliens. From the way they act, so far, I’m inclined to believe they are the same species as our friend the squirrel. They seem to be inquisitive, but not overly aggressive, as long as you’re not in their territory.”

  Joanna said, “Wait a minute, I thought Willum died when his saucer blew up.”

  I looked at Max. “You didn’t tell her that was just a cover story to keep his former employers off his trail?”

  Max said, “She is friends with Lyla. I knew you didn’t want the story to get out.”

  I said, “Joanna is perfectly capable of keeping a secret, especially when a life is at stake. Besides, Lyla knows her Uncle is alive, she just doesn’t know where he is.”

  Max said, “Sorry, Bob.”

  I replied, “Not a problem, this time, but Joanna needs to know what is going on. She’s your deputy. What if you get put out of commission somehow? She needs to be able to step in, with full knowledge, and take over.”

  Max said, “Understood, Bob.”

  Joanna said, “I didn’t mean to cause trouble. Sorry, Max. I guess I’m still a little behind, why send Taz?”

  Nikki said, “Apparently, you’re a lot behind. Bob found out that most of the bots were surplus from a Galactic Navy no one even remembers. He found unlock codes to release their memories of their service in the Navy. Taz was in Intelligence. His job was to go undercover on ships on the fringe of Commonwealth civilization, looking for evidence of aliens. He found some evidence, but by then, the Commonwealth was ready to shut down the Navy, because they hadn’t found any threats. Rather than look into Taz’s data, they covered it up, so that they could go ahead with shutting down the Navy. When Bob and Sally managed to get him unlocked, he told them all about it, and said he would like to go back and find out for sure what he saw all those years ago. Bob sent Willum with him for backup.”

  I asked, “How did you know all that, Space Cadet?”

  Nikki replied, “Gene’s security isn’t all he’d like to think it is. Finding all that was what made up my mind to quit the Guide. Yes, I’ve already started working with Gene to tighten things up, so nobody else can do what I did.”

  I asked, “Did you find the part about Taz and Willum getting chased out of a system, because the aliens can detect quantum communications?”

  Nikki said, “What? No, I didn’t see that part. What are you talking about?”

  I said, “The transponder on their ship was rigged to send back a constant readout on a quantum channel. They got chased through three or four FTL jumps, until they figured out they needed to turn it off.”

  Dingus said, “That’s some pretty impressive technology, right there. Tracing a quantum link, through FTL? Those are two things our best scientists say are impossible.”

  I said, “Feed them something besides ration packs for a couple of months and see what they say then.”

  Dingus said, “What? What are you talking about now, Bob?”

  Max said, “We found that there are a couple of micro-nutrients missing in ration packs. Both of them are important for creative thought. That’s why Bob
has had such an easy time surpassing our ‘best scientists’.”

  Joanna asked, “What else did you find while you were gone, Bob?”

  I said, “A planet where the animals have to grow so fast, they release steroids into the air, and make anybody who lives there mean and aggressive.”

  Joanna said, “I know you must be fooling with me now, Bob.”

  Janet snapped, “No, he’s not. I’m from there.”

  Dingus said, “I was there as well. Do you doubt me, Joanna?”

  Joanna said, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend.”

  Janet said, “Captain Bob saved me from being in some brute’s harem. Then he executed the man who raped me. I don’t take well to people who don’t respect him.”

  I said, “Thank you for supporting me, Janet, but Joanna didn’t mean to offend. She’s just having trouble believing all the things that have happened to us since we left here a few weeks ago.”

  Janet said, “I think maybe I overreacted. Sorry, Joanna.”

  Joanna replied, “You don’t need to be sorry. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  Dingus asked, “Is there more to the story of the aliens, Bob?”

  I said, “Well, Sally has a bunch of ship’s computers tied together, trying to come up with a way to translate between their language and ours, but so far I don’t think she’s made much progress.”

  Dingus asked, “What is she using to figure that out?”

  I replied, “Taz and Willum are retreating periodically to send back their intercepts of communications.”

  Dingus asked, “Is she assuming they are the same language as the labels in the ship you found?”

  I said, “I don’t think so. We’re not sure that it’s the same race, even though it seems likely. Besides, the one is all visual, while the other is all sound. I’m not sure how much the one could help with the other.”

  Dingus said, “It wouldn’t hurt to try, if she gets hung up.”

  I replied, “No, it wouldn’t. The last report I got, she still sounded like she thought she could get some results from what she was doing. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll have her try your way.”

  Joanna’s comm rang. We all tried to be quiet, while she answered it. “Oh, hi, Bill. Did you have a good trip?”

  She listened, obviously having a hard time keeping from laughing. “He did what? Oh, my! Why did he do that?”

  I was tempted to do something to make the giggle burst out of her, but I restrained myself. “He says you’re even, now? At least you won’t have to worry about any more silly stunts, then.” She listened a while more. “No, Bill, I don’t know the next time he’s going to be back to Earth. I get the impression it might be quite some time.” Shortly, she said, “It’s a pleasure talking to you, too, Bill. Fly safe.” She hung up. She turned to us and said, “They just came out of FTL. How much of a head start did you give them?” I looked at Nikki and asked, “’Bout a day, I think?”

  Nikki said, “That sounds about right, I’d have to check the logs to be sure.”

  I said, “I better be sure and tell Scotti about that when we get back aboard.”

  Joanna said, “No! Really? Your Engineer’s name is Scotty?”

  I said, “Scotti with an ‘i’, not Scotty with a ‘y’. The lady from MythBusters, not the guy in the red shirt. I know she spells her name with an ‘e’, but our Scotti is her own person, not just a copy of somebody else.”

  Joanna said, “This is a lot to get my head around, all at once. Can we talk about something less wild, like this place you’re putting the folks from Shady Oaks?”

  Nikki said, “You mean Shaved Ape Key?”

  Joanna looked startled. “Bob named it, didn’t he?”

  Nikki said, “I helped. He was afraid to call it a key, since it’s a real island, not just a low, coral one. I told him there weren’t any geography Nazis out there to worry about, name it what he wanted.”

  Joanna asked, “Why not just call it an island?”

  Nikki said, “Shaved Ape Island just doesn’t have the same ring to it, do you think?”

  Joanna asked, “I guess I’m being slow, but why is the shaved ape part so important?”

  Jane said, “Because no Squatches live there, only humans.”

  Greg said, “Duh.”

  John said, “Manners, Greg.”

  “Yes, Dad. But wasn’t it obvious?”

  John replied, “Yes, but there are nicer ways of saying it, and you shouldn’t talk to your elders that way, anyhow.”

  “Sorry, Dad.”

  John said, “It’s okay, just try and do better, okay?”

  “I’ll try.”

  John said, “Good enough.”

  Dingus asked, “What all are you hoping to get done while you’re here, Bob?”

  I replied, “I need to get around a few beers, while I don’t have my Captain’s hat on. Young Janet there is in need of an animal of the cuddling persuasion, and Topper and friends are packing up the shop and taking all the Galactic tech off my GMC. Nikki’s Audi is going with us, for sure. Other than that, I hadn’t put much thought into it.”

  Joanna spoke up. “Joshua has been asking to talk to you. I didn’t put him through, because none of what he was asking about seemed that urgent.”

  I asked, “Has he rented the house yet?”

  “No, I don’t think that he has.”

  I said, “That’s good, Janet wanted to see the place Nikki and I met. I’ll swing by and talk to him in the morning, see what the deal is. I guess I might as well sell him the place, I don’t have any use for it.”

  Greg asked, “Uncle Bob, can we watch a movie?”

  I said, “Sure. Do you know what you want to watch?”

  He said, “No, I don’t. Maybe somebody else could pick?”

  Nikki said, “All this talk about when we met has me thinking back. Could we watch that first movie you showed me, Caveman? The one with the man on the island?”

  I asked, “You mean ‘Father Goose’, sure, we can watch that.”

  I found the DVD, and Greg got it set up. I went to make popcorn, but Dee was already on it, so I found a good spot to cuddle up with Nikki and waited for everybody to find a spot so Greg could start the movie. We all took turns answering Janet’s questions, but it didn’t take that long for her to get caught up in the movie and just watch. After the movie, people started heading out. I took Snitz out to patrol, and he found several things that had been mislabeled in his absence. A few angry pee-mails straightened that right out, though. He found one patch of grass seriously in need of fertilizer, and then we headed in. Janet asked when we got back, “Why did Snitz need to go outside?”

  I said, “Because he doesn’t know how to use the stool.”

  Janet said, “What?”

  Joanna said, “He had to go outside to pee and poop.”

  Janet asked, “What does he do on the ship?”

  Nikki said, “He has a box with dirt and grass. The bots clean up his poop every day, and the other just waters the grass.” We all headed off to bed. Snitz came for some pets and scratches, and then went to Janet’s room. Nikki decided that there would be no practice this evening, since Janet was staying with us, and the noise might not be something she was comfortable with. Even so, I was awakened in the middle of the night by a shout. I grabbed a robe and my Ruger and went to see what was going on. I met Joanna coming out of her room. She had a flashlight and a well-worn PPK. I asked, “What was that noise?”

  Joanna said, “I don’t know, but it sounded like it came from Janet’s room.” We went to her door. It sounded like she was thrashing around, and I could hear Snitz whining. I looked at Joanna, and counted on my fingers, one, two, three. I threw the door open, and she pointed her light at the bed. It quickly became clear that Janet wasn’t in danger, she was just having a nightmare, and Snitz was doing his best to wake her gently.

  I whispered to Joanna, “Speak to her. A man’s voice is the last
thing she needs, right now.” Joanna put her pistol in the pocket of her robe.

  She started speaking, soft and low. “Janet, sweetie, you need to wake up. You’re having a bad dream. Nobody here is going to hurt you. You’re okay, Sweetie. Just wake up and it’ll all be over with.” She went on like that for a while, before she finally got through to Janet. I commed Jane. “Wha…, Bob, this better be good.”

  I said, “Janet is having night terrors. Did you know that?”

  Jane replied, “I did not. I’ll be right over.” The line went dead.

  I called into the room, “Jane’s coming over, she’s good with PTSD. Maybe she can help.”

  Joanna said, “I think that’s a good idea. Our little Janet is scared to death.”

  Joanna tried to calm Janet down until Jane came in, and then she took over. I went out to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. Joanna came with me and sat at the table. She said, “Poor little thing. She was so scared. I didn’t know what to say to her.”

  I said, “I know what you mean. I haven’t even tried, because I figured having a man around would just make things worse.”

  Joanna said, “I’m not sure you’re right about that. She thinks you’re some kind of white knight.”

  I replied, “We all know that’s not the case.”

  Joanna said, “Actually, from her perspective, it kinda is. You saved her from a bad situation, and when another bad situation came up, you dealt with that, too.”

  I said, “I can kinda see that, I guess, but just because I was able to help her out a couple of times, doesn’t mean I’m always going to be around when she needs help.”

  Joanna replied, “She knows that, and she’s doing her best to learn to take care of herself, but right now she needs to know you’re still around to handle the bad things.”

  I asked, “So, how do we get from there to helping her get a good night’s sleep?”

  Joanna said, “I’m not sure, Bob.” We sat there silently contemplating the problem, until Jane came out.

  She said, “I know it sounds backwards, you being a man and all, after what has happened to her, but I think what needs to happen, if she has another night terror, is for you to take her to sleep in your bed, with you and Nikki. She doesn’t have any family any more and she needs to feel a connection to someone, to help her deal with what she’s been through.”