Shaved Ape Key

by Jerry Boyd

  I replied, “You’re right, that does sound a little backwards. I must be doing it all wrong, because I’ve been trying to keep my distance, to keep from making her think about Sam.”

  Jane said, “I understand why you thought that way, and I know you had her best interests at heart, but it isn’t what she needs from you right now.”

  I replied, “I’ll do my best. I just don’t want to make things worse. The poor kid has been through enough.”

  Jane said, “I have faith in you, Bob. You’ll figure it out, even if you can never explain why you thought it ought to go that way.”

  Joanna said, “Exactly. You always manage, Bob. You get things to work. Give yourself some credit.”

  I said, “Wow. I wish I could believe in me as much as you folks do.”

  Janet peeked around the corner and said, “I believe in you, Captain Bob. Can I sleep in your bed?”

  I said, “Sure, Sweetie. If that’s what you need.”

  She replied, “I think it is. If I wake you up, I’m sorry.”

  I said, “Don’t be sorry to me. Be sorry to Snitz. That’s his job.” I looked at Jane. “Thanks for coming out in the middle of the night. You’re a lifesaver.”

  Jane said, “That’s my job, Boss.” She went out to her car and took off.

  Joanna said, “I’ll see you folks in the morning, then.”

  I said, “Good night, Joanna.”

  I got the coffee pot ready for the morning, and we headed off to the bedroom. I put Janet between Nikki and me. Hopefully, one of us would wake up if she had another bad dream. I laid down, and Janet latched onto my back like a life preserver. Soon enough, she fell off to sleep, and I did too. Snitz must have been feeling merciful, because it was an hour and a half after sunrise when he finally licked my ear. I got up and took care of what I needed to do. When I came back from the bathroom, Janet was gone, but I heard her shower running. Snitz and I went on about our morning routine. I started the coffee, and we went out to see who had violated his turf last night. When we stepped out onto the porch, the doe and her fawn standing off towards the pond decided they had other places to be. I don’t know if Snitz didn’t see them, or decided they were too far away to bother with, but he ignored them. He found a few places that needed a nasty note, and another patch of grass that wasn’t growing to his satisfaction. Then we went back in, to find Janet sitting at the table. I asked, “What sounds good for breakfast?”

  Janet said, “I don’t know. What would you like?”

  I looked in the fridge, and found we were fully stocked with breakfast meats. Plenty of eggs, too. That didn’t cut down my choices at all. I decided some sausage and scrambled eggs would do just fine. I said, “C’mere, you don’t think you get to sit and watch, do you?”

  Janet came over and said, “What do you want me to do?” I showed her how to crack eggs and gave her the bowl to crack into. When she had enough, I showed her how to whisk them up, and stir in a little milk, and some seasoning. By then, the butter had melted in the skillet, and was starting to sizzle. The sausage in the other skillet was doing well. I had Janet pour the eggs in the skillet, and showed her how to keep them moving, so they would come out light and fluffy. The coffee finished up, so I got myself a cup, and poured Janet an orange juice. She asked, “Why don’t I get coffee like you?”

  I said, “Plenty of time for that when you’re older. Right now, you need your vitamins.”

  That didn’t seem to be a good enough answer, but she didn’t say anything. I plated us up some breakfast, and put the leftovers in the oven, on warm.

  Nikki, the coffee zombie, came wandering out. Janet asked, “Why is she walking like that?”

  I said, “It’s a joke. There are movies about things called zombies, dead people who come back to life. She’s pretending that she’s dead until she gets her coffee. Once you get to know her better, you’ll understand she’s not pretending as much as she’d like you to think.”

  Nikki said, “Hey! I resemble that remark!”

  Janet asked, “Dead people can’t really come back to life, can they?”

  I said, “No. People just like to be scared, like on a fast ride or something.”

  She said, “Oh. Like peeping over the wall when the predators walk by. It’s scary, but you know that you’re really safe.”

  Nikki replied, “Just like that. You’re pretty smart, Janet.”

  Janet said, “I didn’t really have a choice, where I grew up. If you didn’t catch on quick, you might wind up animal food.”

  My comm rang. I looked at the caller ID, and said, “Captain Wilson.”

  Sally replied, “Good morning, Captain. Just calling with the morning report.”

  I asked, “What do you have?”

  She said, “That freighter Ace went after, Scotti put it in quarantine next to the other ship. The saucers coming in, about half the people aboard have bounties, a few fairly large.”

  I said, “I know it’s overkill, but can you run cargo straps around those autodocs, just so they can’t get out and cause trouble? I’ve seen an autodoc rigged to open when disturbed before.”

  Sally replied, “Topper already told me about that, and the recovery crews took care of it when they loaded the saucers. None of them has woken up yet, though.”

  “I’m glad to hear that. How soon will you need to have pilots for the run to Patrol headquarters?”

  Sally answered, “We should have all the castaways aboard by this afternoon. Any time after that would be fine.”

  I replied, “I’ll try not to have you taking care of them for too long. Is Scotti taking care of the saucers?”

  “The ones that don’t have bounties aboard, yes. We weren’t sure what you wanted done with the bounty saucers.”

  I said, “I don’t know either. There’s a chance the Patrol will let us claim them as salvage. If so, we’ll want to bring them up to resale standards, and sell them. I don’t think we need to be selling the full set of our mods, though, and certainly not the ability to come out of FTL quietly.”

  Sally said, “You want to be able to outrun them, and you don’t want them able to sneak in past the Patrol. Got it, Boss. Anything you need from me?”

  I said, “I don’t believe so. We’ll be up to deliver those saucers later on today. Call me if you have any problems.”

  “I will, Boss. Enjoy your time off.”

  “Bye, Sally. Fly safe.”

  Nikki asked, “What did Sally want?”

  I replied, “Just checking in. Ace found another Squirrel ship, a freighter this time. Sounds like the castaways are running about fifty per cent bounties, so that will help the operating budget.”

  Janet asked, “You make your living turning in bounties you catch?”

  Nikki said, “We make a chunk of money that way, yes. It seems like Earth was a popular place to try and hide out. We also sell saucers the bots have reworked to be faster. Those are pretty popular.”

  Janet said, “As fast as Gene?”

  I said, “Nope. Some things we keep for ourselves.”

  Joanna came wandering out, looking ready for her busy day. I said, “I’ve got sausage and scrambled eggs in the oven staying warm, if anybody wants any.” Nikki and Joanna both said they wanted some, so I got the food out, and Janet helped me dish it up. Joanna said, “He got up and made breakfast? There might be something to this idea of having a man around.”

  Janet asked, “You don’t have a man?”

  Joanna said, “No, honey. I’ve never found one I could put up with for very long. Nikki seems to have done well, but she’s a patient woman, to put up with all of Bob’s crap.”

  Janet said, “You sound like Milly’s Grandma. She doesn’t much like men, either.”

  Nikki said, “She has good reasons for that. They threw her out to get eaten, when she lost her looks.”

  Janet said, “That’s true, but I think she quit liking them before that, the way she talks. Captain Bob was really hard for her to understand. W
hen you got in her face to keep her off him, that blew her mind.”

  Joanna said, “She made a pass at Bob, and lived? Are you feeling alright, Nikki?”

  Nikki said, “She just thought she needed to pay Bob for what he had done. It wasn’t like she wanted to.”

  Joanna replied, “Doesn’t sound like my kind of place, at all.”

  Janet said, “I think everybody was glad to get out of there. I hope we find another planet, so we can go back and get the rest of them, take them to a better place.”

  I said, “Me too.”

  When breakfast was finished, Janet helped me with the dishes. Joanna said, “Max and I got pretty much caught up, yesterday. Mind if I tag along with you guys, today?”

  Nikki said, “Fine with me.”

  We locked up the house and went to the Yukon. The Audi was missing, and I didn’t think my truck was parked exactly where it had been. Topper had been busy. I looked in the truck, and sure enough, the old tach was back in the dash. I would miss that 20,000 RPM redline. Nikki asked, “Whatcha lookin’ at, Caveman?”

  I replied, “Topper and Ozzie already put my truck back like it was. No more sideways.”

  Joanna said, “Oh, no! Did they work on my Datsun, too?”

  I asked, “Why would they? Wasn’t it all Earth parts?”

  Joanna said, “They used hull metal to reinforce it. Wouldn’t that be Galactic tech?”

  I replied, “Yes, it would, but it wouldn’t show to anyone looking the car over. I think it’ll be okay. We hadn’t talked about it, so I’m sure they haven’t done anything yet. I don’t think a little hull metal would be an issue, even if they did manage to get ahold of it. It’s not like they have the tech to make the stuff.”

  Joanna said, “Whew! I was afraid they would have to tear up my toy.”

  Janet asked, “What are you guys talking about?”

  Nikki replied, “The bots, especially Ozzie, like to work on cars and make them go faster. Some of the things they did to the cars involved Galactic tech, and we don’t want to leave any more of that here than we have to, since we’re not going to be here as much. We’re taking my nicer car with us, and Bob’s truck had to have the Galactic tech that was making so much power, taken off it.”

  Janet asked, “Your nicer car?”

  Nikki said, “Really, it’s more like a saucer made to look like a car. There’s no way to take all the Galactic tech out of it.”

  We loaded up and headed to town. Nikki asked, “Where to first?”

  I said, “Let’s go by and see Joshua.”

  We met Jack on the way into town. He did a double take, and a U-turn to settle in behind us. Janet asked, “Why is that strange-looking car following us?”

  I said, “That’s Jack, he’s a friend of ours.” Nikki pulled into a parking lot, so we could see what Jack needed. He walked up to Nikki’s window like he was doing a traffic stop, so I was careful to keep my hands in plain sight. Nikki ran her window down and said, “Hi, Officer Conway. Is there a problem?”

  Jack said, pointing at his body cam, “No problem, Mrs. Wilson. I just heard you were out of town, wanted to make sure someone hadn’t made off with your vehicle.”

  Nikki replied, “We’re back for a few days, Officer. Thank you for looking out for us.”

  “All part of the job, Ma’am. Who is the young lady?”

  Nikki said, “That’s Janet. She’s visiting from out of town.”

  Jack said, “Hi, Janet.”

  Janet said, “Hello.”

  Jack said, “Well, I won’t keep you folks. Have a nice day.”

  Nikki said, “You too, Officer.” As Jack turned to leave, he threw a note into the car, out of the view of his camera. Nikki caught it and unfolded it. She said, “It says he can’t talk with his camera on, but he’ll be out later, to hear all about our adventures.” I sent him a text. “If we’re not home, wait for us. We’ll be back tonight.”

  When we got to Joshua’s, he was out front, waving at us. I rolled down my window and said, “How do you always know I’m coming, Joshua? I’d swear you’re having me followed.”

  Joshua said, “I just like to be outdoors, Bob. I see you coming and come to greet you.”

  I replied, “Sure, I believe you. Have any luck renting the house?”

  He said, “No, but I’ve only had it on the market for about a week.”

  I asked, “Do you mind if we go up and have a look? Our young friend from out-of-town wanted to see where I was living when I met Nikki.”

  Joshua said, “Go right ahead. Do you still have keys?”

  “I do. You haven’t changed the locks?”

  “I didn’t see a need. The ones you had on things are pretty good quality. Since you already had places for them, it was easier to just put in new safes, rather than put drywall over the holes. I figured it would be a selling point, for the right kind of renter.”

  I replied, “It’s your project, I’m just the silent partner. Sorry I’ve been hard to get in touch with. Was there anything you needed to talk about?”

  “I wanted to ask you about some things, but when I couldn’t get ahold of you, I just went ahead and did them the way I thought best.”

  I said, “You might want to get used to that. I’m going to be out of town a lot, from here on.”

  Joshua asked, “You trust me that much?”

  I said, “You’ve got to live next door to whatever mess you create. I would think that would be a reason to be careful who you rent to.”

  “You’ve got a point there, Bob.”

  “I don’t worry about it. I’ve still got enough hair to cover it.”

  Joshua laughed. “If you need something, let me know. Talk to you later.”

  “Bye, Joshua.”

  As we pulled up to the house, Nikki said, “He always has given me a funny vibe. Since I’ve had Steve’s course, it’s even worse, but I can’t pin down what it is about him that’s off.”

  I said, “He is an odd duck, but I’ve never had reason to believe he would do anything to hurt anybody, unless they gave him good reason.”

  Janet said, “I think I know, but it doesn’t make sense.”

  Joanna asked, “What is it, then?”

  “It’s like the difference in the way I speak, and the way Zoom speaks. Zoom learned English watching bootleg TV, so she speaks pretty much like a native. I have a weird accent, because I learned on the machine. Mrs. Wilson has less, since she’s lived here for a while, and that fellow Joshua has even less, but there’s still a little bit you can catch once in a while.”

  I asked, “You’re saying he’s Galactic, but he’s lived on Earth for several years?”

  Janet said, “That’s part of what doesn’t make sense. He has traces of an accent, but I don’t think it’s Galactic.”

  I said, “That’s truly odd. You think maybe Moscow University, Joanna?”

  Joanna said, “I suppose it’s possible, but Janet said he sounded like he learned on a machine.”

  I replied, “She also said he didn’t sound Galactic. The only other people we know about are the Squirrels, and he dang sure ain’t one of them. On the other hand, he hasn’t given us a reason to care where he’s from, so I’m thinking it’s a problem for another day.”

  Nikki said, “That sounds like a plan. Let’s have a look at the old place.” We gave Janet the tour. She had lots of questions, and we answered them the best we could. We locked up and headed out to the pound. When we got close enough to hear barking, Snitz poked his head up over the back seat. I said, “How did that sneaky booger get aboard?”

  Janet said, “Mrs. Wilson and I figured he would have to live with the new dog. So, he ought to get to help pick it out.”

  Nikki said, “Hurts to be on the other end of the logic, doesn’t it, Caveman?”

  I replied, “I suppose it does. Do we have any idea what sort of dog we’re looking for?”

  Nikki said, “Something like Molly was before she went in the autodoc, I think. Janet
won’t have time to keep up with a dog like Molly is now.” The lady at the desk wasn’t crazy about Snitz helping us pick a dog, but our friend Mr. Grant interceded for us. Janet looked at all the dogs, petting some, but she didn’t really seem attracted to any, until we found an old Bassett, who looked like she might have done time in a puppy mill. Janet said, “Is she alright?”

  I said, “I think she’s just tired. Looks like life hasn’t been all that kind to her.”

  Janet said, “Do you think we could help one another?”

  I said, “I bet you could. Let’s see if they’ll let us take her with us.” There was more BS, and I wound up signing as the new owner, since Janet was underage. The lady insisted we get her fixed, and I said, “That’s not a problem. It looks like she’s already had all the babies she needs to.” Once we got out of the pound, we took her over to the vet, to get taken care of. The lady at the counter asked what her name was. Janet said, “Alice, I think”. It took me a second to remember where I had heard that name recently. I fervently wanted to say something about how much the dog and Milly’s Grandma were alike, but with a fierce effort of will, I restrained myself. The counter lady said that given Alice’s age, they probably should keep her overnight, just to be sure she didn’t have any complications. We said we would be back in the morning, and I paid for the surgery. When we got back in the vehicle, Nikki said, “Your children are hungry. Could we go get some lunch, before we head home?”

  I replied, “Fine with me. Julie’s?”

  Joanna said, “That sounds good.”

  Jack must have mentioned to Julie that we were in town, because she was waiting for us at the door. “Nossir, Bob Wilson, we don’t need none of your kind of trouble in here. Your womenfolk are welcome, but you and that ornery dog can wait in the truck.”

  Janet said, “She knows you well, Captain.”

  I replied, “It’s good to have friends, so they tell me. Maybe someday I’ll find out.”