by KT Strange
Ice water poured over both of us, or it may as well have, the way we stood there, staring at each other.
My tongue felt stuck in my mouth, like I wanted to talk, but couldn’t. What? I’d come to the conclusion that Shawn had… interests in guys, based on what Colt said, and y’know, after seeing Shawn press Buck down into the mattress of his bunk, that was sort of a big clue-by-four. But…
“Your dad does what?” My brain was stuck on that. The thought of Shawn, and his dad-
Garrett shrugged, sending my mind ass-over-tea-kettle.
“Our dad doesn’t think… he doesn’t think Shawn’s right. In the head. So he just… he just wanted Shawn to be like me, like him, a man’s man or something, and-” Garrett closed his eyes hard, like it was painful to even look at me. “Shawn was trying to make it work, trying to be good, a good son, bring home a girl, but it was just unraveling with Shiv. He didn’t want to have sex with her, he didn’t like it, he told me that the whole time…”
“He wasn’t thinking about me,” I said, not able to help the cold tone in my voice. “Since it’s pretty obvious he only got with me to close in on Buck.”
“They’ve been best friends for a lifetime,” Garrett said, “Shawn’s been half in love with Buck since we were all kids, and my dad knew, and fuck, it seemed like every day he found some excuse to hit Shawn, shove him, whatever, to toughen him up or…”
He shrugged hard.
“I don’t have excuses for Shawn. I don’t. What he did, getting close to you thinking it would finally get him what he wanted, that thing with Buck he’d never been able to have? That was shitty in five million ways. I know it, and so does he. This is why he needs to talk to you. It can’t come from me, Mia. I’m not even… we’re-” He cleared his throat and gazed at me, something soft in his expression that was compelling. I pulled back. I didn’t want to be compelled. “You and me don’t have that kind of thing, where I can talk to you about it,” he said.
“We’re not fucking,” I said flatly, because I was pretty sure that’s what he was getting at, but wanted him to confirm. “And you’re not sticking your tongue down my throat like you were with Shiv-”
“That was a mistake,” he snapped. “I was… she’s been hurt, by you too, if you’ve forgotten.”
“Yeah we’re all shitty, rotten people, but none of my actions excuse any of yours, or Shiv’s, or Shawn’s. They definitely don’t excuse Buck’s.” I was tired of apologizing, especially after I’d felt so wronged. I wanted to back up and storm into the house, hide away forever. I was even starting to feel bad for Shawn, but I didn’t want to forgive him. Not after what seemed like my worst fears were true, that he’d just dumped Shiv and gotten together with me because of Buck.
All of it, had been because of Buck. Shawn had wanted Buck forever, but couldn’t, because his dad was a homophobic dick-wad, so instead of dealign with that, Shawn decided to run a tractor-trailer right through my heart and Shiv’s.
“Shawn can be a bit of a fuckup,” Garrett said, like he was reading my mind. “But I think… there is a big part of him that fell for you, fell for you hard, Mia. He’s a lot confused and a little sensible, and honestly, I don’t know what to do to help him, or you, through this.”
“Well…” That hollow place inside of me started to open, that spot of darkness that I felt like all people must have, like a monster of sadness and pain that threatened to swallow us up. “I’m not really your job, am I?” I looked at him hard, searching his face with my eyes. “Fixing this isn’t your job. Taking care of me isn’t your job. You’re here to protect Shawn, right? To make sure I’m not mad at him, that I forgive him, so he can get away with whatever he did, without consequences for his actions.”
Garrett’s expression flattened.
“I don’t want you to forgive him-”
“Yeah you do,” I said, “or you wouldn’t have shown up here. We’re barely friends, Garrett. You don’t owe me shit, and the only reason you’ve ever moved yourself to help me out is because of your brother. Admit it. We both know it’s true.” Somehow being honest with him was less scary, because I wasn’t as tied deeply into his pocket like I was with Shawn, or Buck. My truth spilled out of me, ugly and spiky and raw. If I was going to start standing up for myself, that started right then, that day.
“I want him to make this up to you, make it better,” Garrett said. “I know you guys, and Buck, what you guys had together-”
“It was bullshit!” I said to him, slicing my hand through the air for emphasis. “What was it, Garrett? The rich guys picking up the poor little broken-home latch-key kid? The charity case? I was easy sex, and they knew it. When things got tough at school, when the things that really mattered to them, like football, like their friends and their reputations, got threatened, they left me on my own to get eaten alive.” I took a breath, steadying myself. It hurt. Every time I thought about it, it was like all of it was happening fresh and new. I was reliving it over and over. I always had been. It didn’t matter how close I’d been with the guys, physically. Something inside me had been abscessed, and finally it had been cut right open. All the toxin could come out now. I could heal, if I let myself.
“You can tell me how bad Shawn gets beat by your dad, but that’s not my fault. You should be calling fucking child protective services, telling a teacher, somebody who can help, not guilting me in going back to my philandering boyfriend who’s obviously fucking my other philandering boyfriend,” I said, feeling weak and strong at the same time. Weak because I was turning my back on Shawn, and if Garrett was being honest, it was fucking horrible what was happening. I wanted to go back to camp. I wanted to wrap my arms around him. But I couldn’t. He needed the kind of help I couldn’t give him. It was for adults to manage, not someone like me.
I was strong because I was finally going to put myself first, even if it meant walking away from someone who needed me.
“You should go,” I said in a rush of breath. “You shouldn’t be here. You should be protecting your brother, getting help, not here, trying to force my arm so I forgive everyone for treating me like shit.”
My eyes were wet. I wiped at them with shaking fingers. Garrett was staring at me, his lips parted, like he didn’t know what to say.
“Even after everything I lived through,” I said, my throat rough, the words hard to say, “all the shit I saw living with my mom, I never… ever, treated Shawn or Buck bad and blamed my past for it.”
The only person I’d done wrong by was Shiv. She was the only one who deserved my apologies or my guilty feelings.
“It’s not his past, Mia, it’s his every fucking present day,” Garrett said, sounding hollow, like he knew I wasn’t going to bend and he was out of arguments to make.
“Then get help,” I said. “Tell my uncle. Even after everything, he’ll make the report. Shawn shouldn’t be going through this, but it’s separate from what he did to me. I can’t forgive it. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I did.”
I turned, leaving him there, the silence behind me like the aftermath of a bomb dropping. And if… if Garrett didn’t go to my uncle, I promised myself, then I would. Somebody had to fix this, and while it couldn’t be me… at least… at least I could make sure that Shawn never got hurt by his father again.
Two
Garrett’s visit had set me on edge. I could’ve gone out, but I wanted to stay home after our little ‘chat’. There was no point in going out, who was I going to go out with? Everyone was at camp still and wouldn’t be getting back in until late. I had no idea how things would play out with school when we went back.
I tried to nap, doing my best not to think about Shawn. At least he was safe at camp, with… with Buck.
That was a bitter pill, but I ignored it. I still itched to know what was going on, but they were stuck out in the woods with no service. Garrett’s appearance on my doorstep had told me for one thing: they knew that I knew… something, at the very least. I knew something was going on. I had n
o idea if he was reporting right back to them, or if he’d gone back to the Riordan house.
Either way, my stomach was a mess of knots and nausea. I felt like I never wanted to eat again, but at the same time wanted to eat absolutely everything in my uncle’s fridge and cupboards. What was with a heart slashed to ribbons that simultaneously exploded my hunger to new heights and zapped it into oblivion.
The only thing that I felt like I could spend time on that was… neutral, was school work. Sleep wasn’t coming either, so I abandoned that.
I plowed into my homework, sprawled on the couch cushions and tried to forget that my life was hanging upside down again.
Again. Always. There was never any peace for me. Was that the way life was always going to be? A series of speed bumps, heartbreak around every corner, battles with people who hated me for no reason other than I came from the wrong side of the tracks?
I felt like I needed to talk to my Uncle Matt about it. If anyone had seen the highs and lows of life, it was him. I know that ‘losing’ his sister to drugs and bad decisions haunted it. I felt in every single dollar he was pouring into my education and new lifestyle, like he wanted to make up for how he’d let her down.
Somehow I’d convince him he was doing the best he could, and even though he’d put some footsteps wrong, we were figuring this out together. Slowly. With great hesitation.
My stomach grumbled and I sat up.
Ugh, fuck. If it wasn’t my eyes burning with spontaneous tears, it was the unfairness of my belly reminding me that I needed to eat despite feeling hungry-not-hungry. Being a human was so last-century, and I was ready to be a robot and feel nothing until the end of time.
The phone, the actual landline, ringing, made me sit up with a jerk. My text book, Bio, slipped and fell to the floor with a snap, shutting. I stared at the phone.
It was… ringing.
That was so weird. Only old people called landlines. I stared at it warily for another few rings. Maybe it was one of those phone scammers and I could have fun with them. With a sigh, I got up, grabbing it off the counter.
“Hello?”
A crackle of static greeted me, a series of eerie clicks and the hair on the back of my neck stood up.
“H-hello?” My voice stumbled.
“You have a collect call from-” the call cut for a second, the voice robotic and inhuman, “- will you accept the charges? Press one if yes.”
I swallowed. A collect call? From who? I hit one without thinking. The phone clicked again, beeping at me, and I held my breath.
“Mia? Mia, baby-girl, is that you?” My mother’s voice came through, staticky and crackling. My heart squeezed in my chest. She was calling me from- I closed my eyes, hot tears slipping down my cheeks suddenly as emotion rose up inside me, overwhelming me.
“Mom,” I whispered, “Mom, I miss you.” My legs wanted to buckle. I needed to curl up like a pillbug, and weep. It was like drowning, the sudden rush of pain and loneliness. Even when things had been bad, I’d always had her. Even when the drugs, or the men, were her first priority and her first loves, she was still my mom.
“Oh sweetheart, my sweet baby, it’s so good to hear your voice,” she said, and I could hear it in her words, the edge of tears in them. More tears followed the first few and I pressed my fingers to my mouth to stop the sob that wanted to escape. I sat on the edge of the couch and just lived in the feeling, trying to catch my breath.
Strong. I needed to be strong for her. She was on the inside and I was out. No matter how shit things got for me, it was always worse for her. Remembering that would be like a lode stone for me.
“Mom, are you okay?” I asked, knowing she wasn’t, and feeling powerless to make it better. Inhaling, I tried to remember that I couldn’t fix things for her. Like Shawn. I couldn’t fix him or his life either.
“Oh, sweetpea, you sound tired,” she said, avoiding my question. “Are you sleeping alright? Is Matt feeding you? He doesn’t know how to cook, silly man, it’s pasta every night I bet-” She rambled for a few minutes, putting her brother down and I felt uncomfortable until I realized what was happening.
She needed to hear that I wasn’t better off without her.
“Listen, honey, I only have a few minutes, but I needed to hear your voice,” she said, whisper-soft. “But honey… I was wondering… have you heard from Brandt?” The switch in topics had my internal alarm bells going off.
“Brandt?” I asked.
“Yeah, yeah, baby-girl, has he been in touch?”
“Uh, no, why would he? Last time I really saw him he was cursing you out.”
“Oh.” My mom sounded disappointed and I frowned.
“What’s wrong?”
“Well I talked to him, and… and he needs some help.”
I swallowed, my mouth dry.
“Help?” That didn’t sound good. “Like, he’s fallen and can’t get up?”
“Oh sweetie, you know without me there he can’t hardly take care of himself. He’s run outta money and he’ll be on the street. I was going to talk to your uncle, but-” Her voice wavered. “D’you think you could help? Honey?”
I was quiet. It wasn’t right. Because of Brandt, my mom was in jail waiting for her court date. And he needed help with money? I’d rather stick my hand in a blender, while it was turned on.
“I-” I was uneasy. I didn’t like it. “How much money?” I asked, instead of saying did you forget he landed you in jail and also he enabled your drug-doing ways??? like I wanted to. She was my mom. That counted for something, right?
“Oh baby I knew you’d come through. Just three hundred, that’ll get him by, I swear that’s it, just that one little favor for your momma, right?” She cooed at me over the phone, sounding so overjoyed that I could barely make a noise of agreement let alone point out I hadn’t even said yes.
“I-”
“I’ll give him your number so he can be in touch with you, and you can figure out.. I think a Western Union’d be fine, or maybe a Moneygram?” She sounded breathless with excitement.
“Yeah Mom, that’s… that’s fine. I’ll talk to him, figure it out, I guess,” I said, and if she heard the hesitation in my voice, she ignored it.
“That’s my good girl,” she gushed. “You’re being good for your uncle? Of course you are. You’re so sweet, I bet he loves having you around…” She trailed off and the silence was awkward between us. I knew she was using me. But it was like a train wreck. I didn’t know how, or if, I could stop it.
“Well-”
“Time’s up for me, but I’ll call again soon, okay? You talk to Brandt, promise me?”
“I promise” I sealed my own death warrant with the words, closing my eyes tight. “Mom- I love y-”
The phone clicked, an empty feeling ripping through my chest. She was gone.
***
The clock tripped forward, second hand leading the charge in a stuttered pattern. The guys had to be home from camp. My phone was silent, not a beep or a buzz. I stared at it, wondering if I should pick it up, call one of them first. I hated waiting on them.
And honestly, they didn’t deserve it. Everything Garrett had told me had filled in the blanks, slotted all the missing pieces in for me to really understand.
Shawn was suffering, yeah, but that didn’t excuse what he and Buck had done to me. I bit my lip to keep from crying, the pain grounding me.
I picked up my phone, and grabbed my sweater. I’d go for a bike ride. Maybe that would help me feel better. That way I wouldn’t feel like I was sitting at home by the phone, waiting for them to bother reaching out to me.
Plus I needed to think about my problem with my mom’s ex-boyfriend. If he was even still her ex. The wheels of my bike spun over the pavement as I left the gravel driveway of Uncle Matt’s house behind me.
Had that phone call been a wake-up? A final nail in the coffin? Brandt had landed my mom’s ass in jail and she was still, what, making excuses for him?
Cringe.
If anything her call made me feel like I needed to double down, and not forgive the guys so easily. There was a shivery tremble inside my belly, a fear of being on my own, but had I ever really been with them to begin with? Had they ever been mine? Shawn, chasing me to chase Buck… what did that mean for everything and anything we’d done together?
The breeze pulled at my hair, filling my lungs with crisp, late-fall air. Something about being out in the woods, coasting down the long, gently curving roads felt cleansing. No tears fell down my face, my eyes weren’t wet for the first time in…
God, how many times had I cried over Shawn and Buck? How many times had I lost it, feeling like the world was caving in on me and the ground was crumbling under my feet?
Was I an idiot? How’d I put up with it? I was worth more than that. I was worth more than the scant love they’d been giving me.
Love needed to be on all of our terms, or not at all.
With each pump of my legs, determination fired up and filled my veins. The road was blissfully empty, and it felt like the whole world was mine. I was the only one who existed under the domed sky above as it peeked through the rising pines.
Pain, sadness, they couldn’t touch me anymore. I closed my eyes as I rode onto a smooth straightaway, lifting my nose to the fresh air as it poured past me.
It felt like if I lifted my hands off the bike handles, I’d fly.
Sound exploded around me, and my eyes flew open as a horn blared. My body went hot-white, the flare of energy making my hands jerk my bike to the side as a car pulled out of nowhere. A scream choked in my throat and I hit the ditch, my bike bouncing once, sending me flying into the air. The world was a blur of green and gray, and I saw the ground rushing me, hard, unforgiving-
I hit with a grunt, rolling over and over into the gravel until I stopped.
Brakes squealed hard in the same second, and I heard a car door slam just as the pain flooded my senses, centering on my arm. I’d stuck it out to brace my fall, and I’d felt the give of the bone, almost. Almost.
