All My Loving: A Butler, Vermont Novel
Page 30
“I’m mad at him! He took Dexter.”
“And he brought him back. Look how sad he is.”
Hannah whirled around to look at Nolan. “What’s happened to you?”
“I feel for the guy. He’s in love with you. I know what that’s like and how much it hurts to disappoint you.”
“You’ve never disappointed me.”
“Not yet, and if I ever do, I hope you’ll forgive me, just like you need to forgive poor Fred. They were just a couple of guys out sowing their wild oats.”
Another pathetic-sounding “moo” came from Fred.
“Fine. I forgive you, Fred, but don’t take him again. I mean it.”
“Moo!” Fred went running off into the vegetation.
“Honestly,” Hannah said. “I can’t believe he thought he’d get away with that. Dex, let’s get you to bed. Tomorrow, you can come in the house for a visit. Daddy said it was okay.”
“I’m going to regret that weak moment,” Nolan said as he opened the door to the pen that he’d repaired after the breakout.
“You can’t take it back now.” Hannah hugged and kissed Dexter and settled him into his pen, closing and latching the gate so he couldn’t get out.
Dex went right to the bowl of food that Nolan had filled for him and ate it all.
“The poor guy is starving. Fred knows nothing about caring for children.”
Nolan nudged her toward the stairs and into the house. “Our little family is back together. All is well in the kingdom.”
“Do you sometimes think you married a complete lunatic? It’s okay, you can tell me the truth.”
“Sometimes?”
“Haha, very funny.”
“You’re a complete lunatic, but you’re my lunatic, and I love you.”
“I know I’m not easy to live with—”
Nolan put his arms around her and silenced her with a kiss. “You’re the most entertaining, wonderful, exasperating, delightful, beautiful, animal-loving lunatic I’ve ever met, and I wouldn’t change a single thing about you.” He paused for a second, seeming to reconsider his words. “Except how you treat full-grown moose like they’re puppies. That I would change.”
“Oh stop. It’s Fred. He’s not going to hurt me.”
“I want you to suspend your moose-whispering while you’re pregnant. That’s nonnegotiable.”
Hannah gave him a calculating look. “And you’ll let Dexter come inside for a visit?”
“A short visit.”
“Fine.”
“Fine.”
“When are we going to tell all the people about the baby?” she asked him.
“In a few months, so he can be all ours for a while.”
“He?”
“God, I hope so. I could use some help around here.”
Hannah laughed all the way back to bed.
Time became Landon’s greatest enemy. Seconds, minutes, hours, days passed in a blur of work and endless obligations that kept him separated from Amanda. They talked every day, sometimes more than once a day, but their conversations were always rushed with one or the other being needed for something.
Kelly’s condition had deteriorated rapidly. Amanda and Stella spent most of every day with her at the hospice facility.
When he talked to her, Amanda sounded drained from trying to support Stella through the difficult ordeal.
On the fifteenth day they’d spent apart, the night before Landon was due to go to New York for a two-day visit, Amanda told him not to come.
“I won’t get to spend any time with you,” she said.
Landon wanted to argue with her, to tell her he’d been living for that visit, but he didn’t say anything.
“I’m so sorry,” she said, sounding tearful. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through, and I just need to give Stella everything I’ve got right now. Please tell me you understand.”
“I do.”
“Are you mad?”
“No, I’m disappointed. I was looking forward to seeing you.”
“You’ll see me soon. Unfortunately, Kelly doesn’t have much time left.”
Landon felt like hell for making this about himself. “I wish there was more I could do for you and Stella.”
“Hearing your voice every day is what’s getting me through.”
“Did you get a chance to look at the email with the list of rentals I sent you?”
“Not yet, but I’ll do it tonight.”
“I’d like to have something ready for you and Stella when you come home.”
“That’d be great. I’ll let you know.”
“There’s one I really like that I don’t think will be available for long. It’s a farmhouse on two acres. That’d give us room for some chickens and maybe a goat or two. They said there might even be an option to buy in a couple of years if we’re interested.”
“Stella would love to have chickens and goats. She’s crazy about animals.”
“Did you tell her about Dexter and his big adventure?”
“I did. She can’t wait to meet him and Fred. She can’t believe your sister actually talks to moose. She wanted to know if she can, too.”
“I hope you told her she can do whatever she wants.”
“I told her no such thing, Landon!”
“You sound like a mom, babe.”
“Do I?” she asked softly.
“You do.”
“I love her so much. It’s killing me to see her going through this.”
“I know. She’s very lucky to have you there with her.”
“Some of Kelly’s college friends came to see her yesterday, which was nice, but Stella barely knows them. From what I can tell, Kelly focused all her energy on her daughter and her job and didn’t have a lot of close friends.”
“Stella will have a much bigger life here with us.”
“I feel so guilty,” she said in the soft whisper she used when she didn’t want Stella to overhear her. “Yearning for that life.”
“You shouldn’t feel guilty, sweetheart. You’re giving Kelly incredible peace of mind at the end of her life.”
“Yeah. But still… I miss you so much.”
“I miss you, too. More than I can say.”
“Will you still love me when this is over?”
“I’ll love you forever.”
“Thank you for that, for everything. I should go. Stella’s having a rough day. I need to check on her.”
“Call me tomorrow, and check that email.”
“I’ll do it tonight. I promise.”
Landon didn’t want to hang up. “Stay strong.”
“I’m trying. Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
He waited until he heard the click on her end before he put down the phone, rather than give in to the urge to throw it across the room. His gaze landed on the box containing the keyboard Hunter had ordered for her. Landon had planned to take it to her tomorrow, but now he wasn’t going.
Without taking the time to think about it, he picked up the phone again and called Lucas. His brother answered on the third ring, sounding out of breath.
“What’re you doing?”
“None of your business. Why?”
“Never mind.” He’d been about to ask if he could come over, but he wasn’t going near there if they were getting busy.
“What’s up, Landon?”
“Amanda said it would be better if I didn’t go to New York tomorrow.”
“Oh damn.”
“Yeah.”
“You want to come over?”
“Not if you’re in bed with Dani.”
Lucas laughed. “I’m not. I was lifting weights.”
“Should you be doing that?”
“Shut up, Mom. I’m fine, and if I don’t do something physical, I’m going to lose my shit.”
“You mind if I come by?” Landon asked, wincing at the needy tone of his voice.
“Course not. We’re not doing anything.”
“I’d never say no to that.”
“Cool. I’ll see you soon.” Landon called in the pizza order to Kingdom Pizza, adding the house salad that Dani liked, and picked it up twenty minutes later. He arrived at Dani’s thirty minutes after he hung up with Lucas.
“That was fast,” Luc said when he came to the door looking more like his old self than he had since the fire.
“Helps to have something to do. Where’s Dani?”
“Giving Savvy a bath.” Luc took the pizza and led Landon to the kitchen. He got out plates and silverware. “Thanks for bringing dinner.”
“You’re helping me more than I’m helping you.”
“What’s going on?”
“I’m in this strange hell of hoping for someone I barely know to die already so I can have my girlfriend back, which makes me feel like a total asshole, because of course I don’t want Kelly to die.”
“But she’s going to regardless.”
“Yeah, it’s a very weird spot to be in.”
“It is, for everyone involved.”
“It’s heartbreaking.” Landon rubbed the spot in his chest that had begun to ache the minute he left Amanda in New York and hadn’t let up since. “I just have this horrible feeling that everything with Amanda is going to get fucked up somehow.”
“That’s not going to happen.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“For some reason that no one can fathom, she seems to actually love you.”
“Nice. That’s just what I need right now.”
Lucas cracked up laughing. “I’m just busting your balls, and you know it. Listen, I’ve been where you are. I was flat on my ass in love with Dani, and she was saying she needed time to be on her own before we moved forward. So I gave her time, but it was torturous to keep my distance from her when all I wanted was to keep her close.”
“I remember.”
“It’s going to work out with Amanda. You just have to be patient and give her space to breathe during the tragedy she’s helping her daughter through. There’s no quick fix on something like that. Dani would tell you that.”
“What would I tell him?” Dani asked when she joined them with Savvy wrapped in a frog towel.
The baby let out a squeak and reached for Lucas while giving Landon a freaked-out look.
Lucas laughed at the face she made. “She still can’t understand why there’s someone else who looks just like her Lu.”
Savannah hid her face in Lucas’s shoulder.
“That’s so funny,” Dani said, laughing. “You need to grow your hair long for her, Landon. Anything to make you look different from Lucas.”
“I’ll get right on that.”
“So what were you talking about?” Dani asked as she helped herself to salad and pizza and joined them at the table. “And thanks for the salad, Landon.”
“Welcome.”
Lucas filled her in on the latest with Amanda while Landon forced a few bites past the lump in his throat.
“Lucas is right.”
Lucas leaned in, cupping his ear. “Could you say that again, louder this time so the people in the back can hear you?”
Dani rolled her eyes at him and then shifted her attention to Landon. “You and Amanda both are dealing with a very difficult situation, and you should expect that it’ll take a while for things to go back to ‘normal’ after. Normal may look much different, in fact. I learned that after Jack died. And you have the added challenge of bringing Stella into your very new relationship. It’s a lot, and you’re totally justified in feeling a bit panicky about it all.”
“I am?” Landon asked.
“You are. For sure.”
“I like her,” Landon said to his brother.
“You and me both, brother,” Luc said with a warm smile for Dani.
“I like you, too, and I like you with Amanda.” Dani put her hand on Landon’s arm. “Be patient, follow her lead, be what she needs. That’ll matter to her more than anything else you could do right now.”
“That’s good advice,” Lucas said. “And it worked for me, I might add.”
“You be quiet.”
Landon laughed at the way she put him in his place even as Lucas grinned like a loon. “It’s excellent advice, and it’s what I’ll do even if I’m crushed that I don’t get to see her and Stella tomorrow.”
“You’ll survive,” Dani assured him. “And she’ll appreciate you even more for giving her the space she needs right now.”
Landon nodded, feeling more settled now that he’d aired it out with them and figured out a path forward. “In the meantime, I need to get serious about finding us a bigger place to live so we’ll be ready to bring Stella home to Butler.”
“We can help with that,” Dani said.
Chapter Thirty-Two
“There is nothing like staying at home for real comfort.”
—Jane Austen
After Amanda gave two thumbs-up to the farmhouse, Landon threw himself into making it a home for them over the next three weeks. He moved out of his place and into the much bigger house and spent every minute he had off painting and cleaning and arranging furniture. On one day off, he drove to Rutland and bought a dining room table and a new sectional sofa for the family room, along with some end tables.
He used his family discount to buy one of the woven tablecloths the store sold in a light celery-green color and relied on his sisters to help him choose linens for Stella’s room that he hoped she would like. If she didn’t, he’d get her something different.
Amanda had decided to postpone the trip to Paris until next summer because she wanted Stella to have some time in Butler to get acclimated before school started in the fall.
It occurred to Landon late one night as he painted the trim in the family room that both of them were thinking like parents, putting Stella’s needs ahead of their own.
They talked by FaceTime just about every night, and he saw the strain Amanda was under in the pinched expression on her face. Similarly, Stella had lost her sparkle, and all he wanted was hug them both.
Landon was cutting grass at the farm a week later when Lucas came to find him. He couldn’t bear to sit at home and wait for the phone to ring, so he’d told Amanda to call Luc if she couldn’t reach him. When he saw Lucas walking toward him, he knew why he’d come before he said the words.
Landon killed the engine on the mower and removed his ear covers.
“Kelly died an hour ago,” Lucas said.
Even though he’d been expecting it for days, the news hit hard as he nodded to let Lucas know he’d heard him. “What do I do now?”
“Call her to see what she needs.”
“Yeah, okay.” Thankful for his brother’s presence, he walked with Luc back to the barn and went up the stairs to the loft to use the phone. He stood for a second looking at the phone before he picked it up and dialed Amanda’s cell number from memory.
She answered on the second ring. “Hi.”
“Hey. Luc told me. How’re you guys doing?”
“We’re okay. Stella said she’s glad her mom isn’t suffering anymore.”
Landon closed his eyes against a flood of tears, amazed by the twelve-year-old’s courage and maturity. “What can I do?”
“We need a couple of days, and then maybe you could come pick us up?”
“I can do that. Tell Stella… Tell her I’m so sorry, and I love her.”
“I will. Call me later?”
“Yes, for sure.”
“Love you, Landon.”
“Love you, too.”
He ended the call and put down the phone, propping his hands on the counter and letting his head drop forward. “So fucking sad.”
“It sure is.” Lucas gave Landon’s shoulder a squeeze. “What’s the plan?”
“I’m going to get them in a couple of days.”
“We’ll do everything we can to make them feel welcome here.”
Landon nodded, relieved to know he’d have the support of his family as he started a new one with Amanda. “Thank you.”
Amanda focused on her to-do list: packing up the townhouse, helping Stella make piles of things to keep and things to donate and packing Stella’s belongings for the move to Vermont. She tried to take her cues from Stella, staying quiet when she was and talking when she wanted to. Late on their last night in New York, after Stella had chosen the things she wanted to keep, Amanda boxed up the rest of Kelly’s clothes to be donated. Earlier that day, she’d turned in Kelly’s car to the dealership she’d leased it from.
Her emotions were all over the place, running the gamut from devastation to elation and everything in between. She was, she realized, grieving the loss of Kelly, who’d become a friend in the short time they’d known each other in person and over all the years they’d communicated about the girl they both loved. The sheer unfairness of her early death had hit Amanda hard, and it would take a while to work through the myriad reactions she was having to the loss.
More than anything, though, she grieved for Stella, who’d lost the most important person in her life, after having lost her father only five years earlier. It was possible, Amanda had found over the last few weeks, to feel someone else’s grief almost as intensely as they were, especially when you loved them as much as she loved Stella.
The love was bigger than anything she’d ever experienced. It filled every part of her. She loved her so much, she ached with it. Amanda had walked a fine line in keeping her own emotions in check so Stella could feel free to fully express hers. She’d talked lovingly of both her adoptive parents over the last few difficult days, as it seemed her mother’s death had resurfaced feelings from when Stella had lost her father.
Amanda couldn’t wait to see Landon, to hold him and be held by him. She’d missed him so much over the last month and a half, and it seemed like forever since she’d last slept next to him. Even from afar, he’d been her rock through the most difficult days of her life, and she would never forget that.
In between her time with Kelly and Stella, she’d finished the profiles of Mildred and Elmer, which everyone had loved, much to her relief. She’d drafted more catalog copy for Lucy, who was overseeing the final stages since Cameron had gone on early maternity leave, and had participated in meetings with Linc and the others remotely when she could. Her former boss Martin had called to beg her to stay on to coordinate their trade show presence, and Amanda had happily agreed. The only other person she’d spoken to with any regularity was her mother, who’d called to check in every day or two.