NOT SO Beautiful: a bay falls high novel

by Kidman, Jaxson

  “Oh no, you rebel,” I said. “You opened the window? I’m surprised you have windows here. Well, not surprised. But you’re lucky you do.”

  “No windows where you were?” Miss Whitaker asked.

  I laughed. “There were windows, but they didn’t open.”

  “First off, that’s weird,” Miss Whitaker said. “Second off, me opening the window is not what isn’t allowed…”

  Miss Whitaker hurried to her desk and opened a drawer.

  When she put a cigarette between her lips and lit it, I started to laugh.

  “What?” she asked. “Don’t let the way I look and dress ever fool you.”

  “Trust me, it doesn’t,” I said.

  “Good,” she said. “Now light a cigarette and write me a story.”

  “If you say so,” I said.

  We sat next to each other at the open window.

  Miss Whitaker warned me to make sure I got all the cigarette smoke out of the window or else it could trigger the sprinkler system. Which, according to her, would royally blow.

  I had a notebook on my lap.

  It wasn’t comfortable so I sat back even more, putting my back to the closed window and bent my knees.

  “Are you going to write?” I asked her.

  “Nope. I didn’t get into a fight.”

  “Right. Thanks for bailing me out.”

  “Don’t worry about it. Not sure what Hagan would’ve done.”

  “Hagan, huh?”

  “I didn’t name him,” she said. “Do I want to know why you were throwing real fists with Lila?”

  “Do you?” I asked.

  Miss Whitaker shook her head. “You seem too smart to be swayed by guys. But I get it. I’ve been there. Probably still am.”

  “Brendan?” I asked with a grin.

  Miss Whitaker leaned toward me. “Ulysses?”

  “Actually… no.”

  “Oh, no,” she said. “Don’t tell me you’re wrapped up in Them.”

  All color left my face.

  Did she mean Them as in Them… or Them as in just the word them…

  I looked at the blank piece of paper in front of me.

  “How about direction?” Miss Whitaker asked.

  “What about it?”

  “It’s the entire purpose of life. Direction changes everything. Even everything that exists… direction. Imagine a deer walking through the woods. Its direction suggests its fate…”

  I looked at her.

  She had her back to the wall, head turned toward the window, smoking, looking so cool. Like this older sister giving me advice on all the crazy shit she’d seen in life.

  “The deer walks one way, it eats, lives, shits, and sleeps. But it walks another way and next thing you know, it’s dark out and the deer is crossing a strange road… and BAM…”

  “Wow,” I said.

  I wasn’t sure what it was about today with everyone comparing their lives to deer.

  “Or another example. You order a drink.” Miss Whitaker looked at me. “Non-alcoholic, of course.”

  “Of course,” I said.

  “You order a drink and it comes out wrong. Your direction decides your fate. You drink the drink and shrug it off. But what if your soul mate was at the bar and you missed him? Now imagine if you took the drink to the bar and said, ‘Hey motherfucker, this is wrong… fucking fix it…’ and you catch the eye of some guy at the bar. Two years later you’re engaged. A year later you’re married. Fifty years later you’re looking at all you’ve done in life.”

  “Wow,” I said. “To be fair, that sounds more like fate than direction.”

  Miss Whitaker flicked her cigarette out of the window and swung her feet to the floor and stood up. “And that’s what I can try to teach you. That maybe fate is kept for illustrated pages for kids to see at night before bed.”

  “Unless, of course, fate and direction are the same thing,” I said. “Just disguised as one another to fuck with our heads.”

  “Yes,” Miss Whitaker said. Her eyes went wide. “But the thing is… that deer could have went the other way. That woman at the bar could have went to get another drink.”

  “And you could have went to law school or medical school…”

  “But I didn’t.”

  “Because of fate.”

  “Because of direction.”

  “But fate clouded the direction,” I said. “It’s like being near the beach at night. And you shut your eyes and walk. You’re either going to get wet or not. That’s it. Direction takes you were you’re going but fate is you shutting your eyes.”

  “You controlled shutting your eyes,” Miss Whitaker said.

  “Or maybe the breeze threw sand in my eyes and I had to shut them…”

  “Well, that’s just a whole new set of shit then.”

  “Fate.”

  “Fuck your fate,” Miss Whitaker said.

  “Fuck your direction,” I threw back.

  She folded her arms. “Tell me one thing. Did Lila deserve to get hit?”

  “To me she did.”

  “Good answer. Now write me something.”

  I looked at the paper and went to work.

  It wasn’t a story. I didn’t do stories. Well, I had written plenty of stories… but… whatever.

  This was different.

  I completed it with a scribbled drawing.

  I ripped the page out of the notebook and handed it to Miss Whitaker.

  “Read it to me,” she said.

  “I’m leaving. I’m going to take some direction and that direction is getting me out of this building for the day.”

  “That could change your fate,” Miss Whitaker said.

  “Oh well…”

  I moved the chair at the door and left the room.

  I ran through the words I had written. I envisioned the picture.

  The koi fish wearing a bucket helmet smoking a cigarette.

  Probably a badass tattoo but it’s a picture of my heart. The one I used to have and own. The one that used to have its own beat. Now it’s the one draped in leather that doesn’t fit, over a long sleeve shirt with arms that go for a mile, easily, with the color of amber spread across my face like a warm blanket on a cool night. Except there are no cool nights anymore. The nights are hot. The only way to ease that heat is to undress. But if I undress… will I be able to put it all back on?

  The koi fish wearing a bucket helmet, smoking a cigarette.

  Everything that’s wrong.

  Everything that’s right.

  thirteen

  “You actually hit her,” Lizzy said for the tenth time. “I mean… just… pow…”

  “Pow?” Danica asked. “That’s not the sound it made. It was much… harder.”

  “Who cares?” I asked. “Stupid bitch. Werthwood told me I might have to face legal stuff.”

  “Not a chance,” Danica said. “No way Lila does that.”

  “No?” I asked.

  “Everyone around here likes their hair clean and ass cleaner,” Lizzy said.

  I tilted my head. “What?”

  “She means this place is crawling with drama but as long as the drama stays quiet, who cares? It’s not like you broke any bones on Lila.”

  “I wanted to,” I said.

  “She’ll either lie or it will be covered up,” Danica said.

  “Plus, it’s not like you’re rich,” Lizzy said.

  “Thanks for that reminder,” I said.

  “Moron,” Danica said.

  “I didn’t mean it like that!” Lizzy yelled.

  I stood up and walked toward the ocean.

  The comment was true. It still hurt though.

  I looked down as my feet were overtaken by what was left of a wave.

  “Hey, she’s stupid.”

  I laughed at Danica as she snuck up on me.

  “No, she’s not,” I said.

  “Yes, I am,” Lizzy said from the other side of me.

  “No, you’re not. Y
ou’re right. I don’t care what Lila does.”

  “Yes, you do,” Danica said.

  I looked at her.

  That was the hardest part.

  I did care.

  And it was because…

  “There’s a way to end all of this,” Lizzy said. “Something you can do, Belle.”

  “Meaning?” I asked.

  “Get all of the information you don’t have,” she said. “And more than anyone else knows.”

  “No shit,” Danica said. “Okay, we’re changing the subject. The day’s almost over. Let’s forget all of this.”

  “That’s your problem,” Lizzy said. “All you want to do is forget.”

  “It’s called living,” Danica said. “You can’t just stand with… with your feet in the sand…”

  “Like we are right now?” I asked with a grin.

  “You know what I mean,” Danica said.

  “Yeah, but the past teaches us a lot,” Lizzy said.

  “Oh, have you been paying attention in Miss Whitaker’s class now?” Danica asked. “She always spouts that psycho hippy shit.” Danica nudged me. “Sorry for saying that. I know you like her. But damn… move on. The waves keep crashing. Look, the sun is setting soon. And tomorrow there will be another day.”

  I looked at Danica. “That sounds like psycho hippy shit talk…”

  “No. It’s called reality. Join me there. It’s fun.”

  “Or you can join me…”

  The sound of the extra voice sent chills up and down my back.

  I hurried to turn.

  I heard Lizzy gasp for a breath.

  I elbowed her, praying she didn’t say something like pussy again.

  Ash stood with his hands in his pockets. A t-shirt doing things to his body that did things to my body. His bright tattoos trying to move my attention from his amber eyes… from his hair… from his scar… from that terrifying look on his face…

  “Ash,” I whispered.

  “Angel,” he said. “Tell your friends to leave or else I will.”

  I swallowed hard.

  I wondered how many steps back I’d have to take to get into the ocean deep enough to actually drown myself.

  * * *

  “So I have your attention now, huh?” I asked Ash. “Only took me almost getting kicked out of BFH. Which wouldn’t have bothered me much anyway.”

  “Yeah, you have my attention,” Ash said in a cold voice. “Are your friends leaving yet?”

  “No,” I said. “Not until I say.”

  “I already said for them to leave.”

  “Belle, just walk away,” Danica whispered to me. “We’ll stay with you.”

  “Am I supposed to be afraid?” I asked. “You were the one about to fuck Lila. Not me. And you have all the answers, right? Where’s the rest of Them?”

  “I don’t need anyone else, angel,” Ash said. “Now if you’re not going to tell your friends to leave, then I’ll handle it myself.”

  Ash took one step toward me and both Danica and Lizzy each grabbed one of my hands and started to pull.

  I stood in the middle, rocking left to right like I was the prize in a tug-a-war competition.

  They were both terrified of Ash.

  That only made me want to know more.

  Fuck, Belle, you’re never going to learn. Not until you’re crushed…

  And yet that didn’t bother me one bit.

  Crush me?

  Fuck it.

  I pulled back at both Lizzy and Danica.

  “You two should leave,” I said.

  “What?” Danica asked.

  “Ba… ba… ba… ba…,” Lizzy said.

  I turned my head and she was completely flustered again.

  “You sound like a sheep with a cold,” Ash said to Lizzy.

  She gasped for a breath and looked like she was going to pass out.

  “This is a bad idea,” Danica said to me.

  “Why are you so afraid of him?” I asked her.

  “I’m afraid of what he’ll do to you,” Danica said. “He’s the one who decides everything with Them.”

  “If you’re going to whisper,” Ash said, “it better be in my ear with your hand wrapped around my…”

  I looked at Ash and he winked.

  For effect.

  To make me blush.

  Because I couldn’t help blushing when I was near him.

  “Belle, please…,” Danica said.

  “Take Lizzy and go,” I said. “I’ll be fine. I’ve dealt with worse on my own.”

  “Ba… ba… ba…,” Lizzy kept saying.

  Danica grabbed her by the arm of her shirt and started to walk. “Come on you stupid bitch.”

  As they walked away, Danica looked back at me three times.

  Each time she looked, it made me swallow the giant lump in my throat.

  And then it was just Ash and me.

  Behind me the waves crashed to the shore.

  Behind him… the rest of the world.

  “What the hell were you thinking today?” he asked.

  “What’s wrong? Mad I hit your girlfriend?”

  “I don’t have a girlfriend, angel,” Ash said. “I’ve never had a girlfriend.”

  “That’s right. You’re the leader of Them. You’ve never had a girlfriend. Just girls you choose, use, and lose…”

  Ash grinned. “Right.”

  “Hey, don’t worry, I did you a favor,” I said.

  “How so?”

  I stepped toward Ash.

  I’m not afraid… not afraid at all… not even close to being afraid…

  I lifted my right hand and patted his chest.

  With each pat, my brain screamed MUSCLE!

  “I punched her in the mouth,” I said. “Right in the lips. They’ll be nice and fat… perfect for what she’s probably only good for…”

  I side stepped and Ash grabbed my wrist with one hand and put his other hand flat against my stomach.

  I sucked in a breath and was a block of ice.

  “Is that what you’re picturing, Belle? Because if that’s what you’re worried about, that can be easily fixed…”

  I looked at Ash. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize Hil put on an Ash mask.”

  Ash curled his lip. “I know you know about his father.”

  “Big deal.”

  “I know Uly told you.”

  “Again… big deal.”

  “What do you want to know about me, angel?”

  “Oh, I think I know enough by now,” I said.

  Which wasn’t true.

  But it was my turn to tease. My turn to… I don’t know what.

  I wiggled out of Ash’s reach and hurried through the sand.

  “I never touched her,” Ash called out. “If that’s what has your sweet panties twisted.”

  I stopped walking and looked back. “Good for you, Ash.”

  “We were going to use her,” he said. “All three.”

  “Sophie and Maya too?” My stomach churned. “Really? One for each of Them…?”

  “Not like that, angel,” Ash said. He started to move toward me. “To get to the Rulz. And it had nothing to do with Uly. He started this. I’m going to finish it.”

  “How were you going to use Lila, Sophie, and Maya?” I asked.

  “See? You do want to know more about me.”

  “Fuck you, Ash,” I said. “I know what I saw.”

  “Me too, Belle. You’re lucky Werthwood didn’t toss you out on your ass. He must have gotten laid or something.”

  “Gross,” I said. “I do not want to ever picture that…”

  “But you are right now.”

  I studied Ash.

  How the hell could he go from threatening to goofy in one breath?

  “Let’s go for a ride,” he said. “I want to show you something.”

  “Show it to me right here, Ash.”

  Ash touched my chin with one finger and gently stroked it. “Do you do that on purpose,
angel, or do you not realize what you’re saying?”

  My face burned again. I swatted his hand away. “Whatever, Ash. You have no idea what you did to me. And I have no idea why I acted the way I did. And I don’t even know why I’m say-”

  Ash’s hand slipped to the back of my neck and he pulled me toward his mouth.

  Our lips met briefly before our tongues did. Both of us… at the same time… wanting the same thing…

  I shut my eyes and felt myself melting.

  My mind screaming that I was supposed to hate him.

  My heart bouncing with joy.

  Joy? How the hell can I feel anything like Joy near this guy?

  Ash eased his right hand to my side. And instead of moving down to my waist, he moved his hand up. Following along my ribs, his thumb getting close to touching my chest. Like he was purposely moving in the opposite direction of anyone else… well… Uly and Hil.

  And I was doing it again.

  Kissing one and thinking of the others.

  I wasn’t sure if Ash knew about Uly and I… or Hil and I…

  Ohgod, Belle, what are you doing?

  Ash and I made out for what felt like the entire night.

  I wasn’t sure I had ever kissed someone like that before. There were no other intentions to his kissing or his touch. Which only made me… want more.

  He broke the epic kiss, gave me one more kiss to the tip of my nose, and then locked his beautiful amber eyes to my boring eyes.

  “Come with me, angel.”

  “Okay,” I said, still breathless.

  Floating… like it was the first time a guy had ever kissed me.

  My toes fluttering in my socks the way my heart was fluttering.

  If Uly and Hil were dangerous… then Ash was deadly.

  * * *

  Ash’s truck was pretty badass. And I really hated to admit it because to me anyone driving some big pickup truck that was all pimped out was nothing but a small pecker packing douchebag loser. Some dude with small hands and big feet, not sure of themselves, feeling the need to hang a set of fake balls off the back of a truck… nah, I’m good.

  But Ash’s truck wasn’t anything like that.

  It was really a glorified luxury SUV but in pickup truck form. Or with a pickup truck bed added to the end.

  The inside was the softest leather I ever felt in my life.

  The seats were two toned color… a super dark black color on the outside with a warm gray in the middle. The dashboard was like the screens at NASA or something. Touchscreen control panels for everything. I could move my seat, heat it, cool it, whatever it, without having it affect Ash’s seat.