NOT SO Beautiful: a bay falls high novel

by Kidman, Jaxson

  And the backseat… I never saw anything like it.

  Big enough to live in.

  Figures that’s where my mind would go, huh? Only because my mother and I lived in her car for two weeks once and it was not all that fun.

  There were two sunroofs… or is it sun rooves?

  I laughed to myself.

  I was desperate to stay focused on anything but the guy driving the truck.

  The way he drove with one hand. The way the sleeve on his shirt pulled up just a little, showing off even more tattoos. I wanted to know how far those tattoos went. Across his chest? His back? Did they stop at his shoulders? Or was his entire body covered?

  I reached for the screen again and felt my seat move a few inches.

  “You’re going to launch yourself out of here soon, angel,” Ash said.

  “Maybe that’s my plan,” I said.

  “Then push the button under your seat.”

  “What?”

  “There’s an ejection button,” Ash said. “In case of an emergency.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Let’s say I’m driving down the street and I know I’m going to hit something,” Ash said. “You know? I lose my brakes. Or I just lose control of the truck. You hit that button and the seat is thrown from the truck. Yeah, you’ll get hurt, but it’s better than… you know.”

  My face lost all of its color.

  An accident. Dying… like his mother…

  “So there’s a button under my seat?” I asked.

  “Yeah. I’ll show you.”

  I gasped as Ash reached across the truck. He cut the wheel as he did so, pulling over - sort of - slowing the truck down. His right hand dipped between my legs. I gasped a second time and opened my legs really wide and looked down at his hand. My right hand then grabbed at one of the koi fish on his forearm.

  “Wait,” I said.

  The truck came to a stop. Ash looked at me. “What’s wrong?”

  “What are you doing?”

  Ash slowly grinned. He moved his hand up and touched the seat. His wrist nestled against my… against me…

  Warm chills spread from my core down my legs and up through my heart to my head.

  I swallowed hard.

  “You’re lying to me,” I whispered.

  “Of course I am, angel,” Ash said. “Do you really think a truck has an ejector seat?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “You rich assholes will spend your money on anything.”

  “Good point.”

  “Thanks for making me feel stupid.”

  “I just wanted you to stop hitting buttons.”

  “I was pressing your buttons, Ash?”

  “Of course you were,” he said. “Still are.”

  He moved his hand up the seat.

  I felt my ass press back against the seat like I wanted to get away from him.

  As though my head and heart decided that it was okay for two of Them to touch me but all three?

  Ash moved his hand at the last second, knowing exactly what he was doing.

  I expected him to make a comment about pressing my buttons, but I realized that was more of a comment meant from Hil than Ash.

  My face blushed as I sat there, debating who of Them would say what in this situation.

  But Ash didn’t need to say anything.

  He just needed to stare.

  His amber eyes did more to me than words probably could have.

  Only because it was his eyes.

  And his tattoos.

  And his body.

  But not him.

  Definitely not him himself.

  “Comfortable now, Belle?” he asked.

  I nodded.

  “Good,” he said.

  Ash started to drive again.

  I curled my lip and then tried to smile.

  My body was confused on what to feel.

  Better yet… if he wanted me to stop touching the screen, he could have just asked.

  Asshole.

  fourteen

  Our silent drive came to an end at an unexpected place.

  Even though Ash was taking me somewhere and anywhere would have been unexpected, I did not expect to just pull over on the side of some random road.

  I caught myself sliding my hands down the sides of the leather seats - just like you did in Uly’s ride before he touched you - wondering what was going to happen next. Or even if this was our destination.

  Ash turned and faced me. “How’s Miss Whitaker’s class?”

  I curled my lip again. “Just fine, Ash. Why?”

  “Do you know why I did what I did?”

  “Because you’re an asshole.”

  “Besides that, angel.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I wanted to,” he said. “Because you thought you were so tough running your mouth at me. I wanted to see how far that toughness would go.”

  “Well played by stealing a piece of paper from me.”

  “It wasn’t just a piece of paper,” he said. “I could tell the way you acted around that notebook. The fear in your face. Your body. It was something deep to you. Able to attack on the outside but hidden on the inside.”

  “Oh yeah? That’s what you got out of our exchange that day? When you knocked my stuff to the ground? When you stepped on it? When you treated me like I was a piece of garbage?”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “Fuck you,” I said, feeling a sense of relief to say that as I looked into his eyes. “You didn’t do a thing for me.”

  “No? I got Miss Whitaker’s attention for you. How’s that working out? Last I heard, she’s ready to submit some of your writing. You could end up famous. You’re welcome. And you got to spend time with Uly. At his place. I’m sure you’ve seen the fucked up situation with Miss Whitaker living there, right?”

  “That’s not your business, Ash.”

  “Oh, believe me, it is,” he said. “Want to know how many times Uly had us out chasing down Miss Whitaker and whoever she was dating? Want to know how many car windows we’ve smashed? Tires we’ve slashed? How many times we’ve covered our faces the best we could with our hoodies as he took some motherfucker to the ground?”

  I swallowed hard. “Is that true?”

  “And if you even say the wrong thing about her, Uly will snap. Believe me. I’ve asked him about it.”

  “He cares about her,” I said. “Because of his father.”

  “That’s right,” Ash said. “So how’s sharing a bed with Uly?”

  “It was amazing,” I said. “Too bad you’re so jealous over everything.”

  “Jealous, huh?”

  “Of course,” I said. “You stole something from me and thought you were going to be some controlling prick by handing it in. What you didn’t realize was that I have nothing to lose. Literally nothing, Ash. Kiss me. Touch me. There’s nothing that hasn’t been done. And if I need to… bye, bye… you can figure your East vs. West problem on your own. Or better yet… maybe I’ll go visit the Rulz. See if they know how fucking messed up Them really is.”

  Ash groaned. “That’s the kind of shit you say if you want to walk back, angel. And it’s a long walk. And it’s going to get dark. And cars drive really fast here.”

  “I’ll take my chances,” I said as I opened the truck door.

  I jumped down to the ground and sucked in a breath.

  I couldn’t tell if we were fighting or flirting.

  Or if I was really going to end up walking home or if Ash was going to grab me, kiss me, and toss me into the backseat of his truck.

  All of it would be fucking amazing right now.

  I started to walk, just to see what Ash would do.

  He let out a whistle and I looked back.

  He leaned against the passenger door I had exited from, his arms crossed. Those bright, pretty tattoos and the way muscle was still able to show…

  I gritted my teeth.

  “What?” I called out.

  “You
just run, huh? All the damn time.”

  “I’m not running. I’m walking.”

  “Like you did with Grayson?”

  I instantly spun on my heels. “What?”

  “You never went after him, angel,” Ash said. “You let him do what he did and just walked away.”

  My brain started to tell my heart not to fall for this trick…

  … but I was already running toward Ash.

  My right hand back into another fist.

  “I handle my business,” I said to Ash. “You saw what I did to Lila.”

  “That was jealousy,” Ash said. “Not standing up for yourself. And if you’re going to try and hit me, don’t. I can read your body like a book, Belle.”

  The heat soared through me again.

  I relaxed my fist.

  I stood a few inches from him.

  He didn’t move.

  He wasn’t afraid.

  Or he just didn’t care.

  I wasn’t sure which was which.

  “Don’t ever say anything about my body,” I said.

  “At least not until I explore it first?” Ash asked.

  “That’s never going to happen.”

  Yes it is. Liar! Liar!

  “If you say so,” Ash said.

  “How do you know about Gray? You all seem to know. What is this? Are you three talking to me because of him? Is he trying to get to me? Mess with me? Because I didn’t run, Ash. Or walk. Or whatever. My mother…” I shook my head. “This isn’t your business. You don’t even give a shit.”

  I started to turn and Ash grabbed me.

  He pulled me against him.

  My mind flashed the images of us kissing on the beach. The way we were making out… that was real. Right? I wasn’t sure you could fake kissing like that.

  “Your mother,” Ash said. “You can tell me about her. No need to ignore the fact that mine is gone.”

  “I’m not ignoring anything,” I said. “I’m piecing it all together. You. Hil. Uly.”

  “Good,” Ash said. “Let me know what you figure out.”

  “I’m not going to tell you three a thing,” I said. “I’m still waiting on my end of the deal. And me doing all the legwork… that’s not part of it. And I’m still waiting for East vs. West to happen.”

  “Well, angel, I bet those legs have been working a lot lately,” Ash said. “Spending time with Uly and Hil.”

  I squinted my eyes. “Jealousy? Again?”

  Ash leaned down toward me. “I don’t need jealousy, Belle. I can fuck anyone I want. Whenever I want. So count your blessing that I’m even wasting time with you.”

  I swung my hand but Ash moved fast.

  Like he was an expert at dodging face slaps.

  I ended up slapping the door of the truck.

  That did not feel good at all.

  “Fuck!” I yelled.

  I hurried away from Ash to the front of the truck, cradling my hand.

  Ash stepped up next to me.

  We stood in silence for a few seconds before he reached for my hand.

  He held my wrist and gently opened my fingers with his other hand. His fingertips against the palm of my hand…

  No, no, no, no, no.

  Ash lifted my hand and kissed the palm of my hand.

  “There,” he said. “All better.”

  “No. It’s not all better. It never is.”

  “That much we can agree upon,” Ash said. “You know, angel, you’re so busy looking for these so called clues and puzzle pieces you haven’t even looked in front of you.”

  “Believe me, Ash, I’m looking at what’s in front of me. I’m trying to understand who you are. The look. The tattoos. The haircut. Knowing that you probably have notebooks of drawings that you try to keep hidden so it doesn’t ruin your quiet, douchebag vibe. And if you do tattoos… you do it somewhere else. Far from here. So you can be someone else. You probably talk differently too. Am I right?”

  Ash ran his fingertips along my hand again. I was frozen. I hated myself for being frozen near him.

  He put his lips to my ear. “Look where we are, Belle. Where I stopped. Think about it…”

  Ash kissed my cheek and walked away from me.

  I looked around.

  We were on the side of the road.

  At a curve.

  What did that mean?

  Was this more of the direction versus fate bullshit like I had to deal with with Miss Whitaker?

  Or maybe it-

  I lost all feeling in my body.

  I managed to turn and I reached for the hood of Ash’s truck.

  He was behind the wheel again, staring at me.

  It all made sense.

  The road.

  The bend.

  This spot…

  This was where Ash’s mother lost her life.

  * * *

  I had no idea how I managed to get back to the passenger side of the truck.

  But I did.

  I opened the door and pulled myself up to the comfy leather seat.

  I shut the door and didn’t say a word.

  When I started to shiver, I reached for the screen and turned the heat on for my seat. In a matter of seconds, I was warm. But I was still shivering. So I turned the heat off.

  Ash was playing a game now.

  Waiting for me to tell him what I knew.

  He wasn’t like Uly and Hil.

  Uly took me to see his father’s grave. To prove what had happened. To tell me about Hil. And he didn’t tell me about Hil so I’d hate Hil… which I sort of did… but so I’d talk to Hil and understand why Hil said his father was dead.

  In a way, they were still connected. Maybe it went beyond the music they used to write. Or maybe there was still a friendship there.

  But Ash…

  He was different.

  He spoke with actions… and ink.

  God the fucking ink is so hot.

  “I’m so sorry, Ash,” I finally said.

  He nodded. “Yeah?”

  “I can’t imagine what it must have been like,” I said. “I’ve thought about it. A lot, if I’m going to be honest with you.”

  Ash looked at me. “You’ve thought about it? About me? Here? At this spot?”

  I nodded. “Yeah. I’m a writer.” I shrugged my shoulders. “I can’t believe I just said that. But I’m a writer. So everything I hear I try to feel. I try to put myself in that situation. You know? I try to feel it all. The good. The bad. The tragedy. The happiness. But this…”

  “You’re too close to it, that’s why,” Ash said.

  “Too close?”

  “You wanted it to be you, angel.”

  “Me? What? You wanted me to go off this cliff and…”

  When Ash started to grin, the left side of his mouth curled up.

  Evil. Deadly.

  “What the fuck is this?” I whispered.

  I felt myself wanting to cry, caught up in too many confusing emotions again.

  “This isn’t the spot you think it is,” Ash said.

  “What?”

  “This is the spot where I got laid for the first time,” Ash said.

  My stomach dropped.

  I felt ill.

  My mouth opened and I put my hand over my mouth.

  “Not everything in my life revolves around the one thing you can’t seem to understand,” Ash said. His voice was cold. Rippling cold. Tearing through my clothes, my skin, into my heart, destroying me. “You’re so fucking worried about my hair and my scar? The cut was so fucking bad, that I can’t grow hair there, angel. So I really don’t have a choice about my hair. If I grow my hair on that side, there’s a line that doesn’t. Sound good to you? We all have our tragedy, Belle. We can either tuck it in our back pocket so that when we sit down, it pokes our ass to remind us it’s there… or we can fucking wear it on a shirt to get attention. Is that what you want?”

  My eyes filled with tears.

  I reached for the door and Ash locke
d the truck.

  I unlocked it and he locked it again.

  I grabbed the handle and shook it, gritting my teeth, ready to scream.

  His hand touched my shoulder.

  I swung my left hand and he grabbed it.

  He unlocked the truck but our eyes were locked together again.

  “You’re a fucking asshole,” I whispered, my voice cracking.

  “Why?”

  “You led me here… to what I’m thinking…”

  “The only thing you’re doing is comparing my mother’s fate to your mother’s actions,” Ash said.

  God he’s so fucking hot and he’s smart… emotionally smart.

  My chin quivered. “Why do I want to see this place then? Where you got off for the first time.”

  “It wasn’t the first time I got it,” Ash said. “But it’s where I first… yeah. I stole a car, took her for a drive, and pulled over here. She wanted to see the ocean. The sun was starting to set. We ended up in the backseat together.”

  “Good for you,” I said. “And I’m sorry for her.”

  “It was her first time too,” Ash said. “One of many I led down that path to no more innocence.”

  “You’re disgusting,” I said. “You’re a manipulative asshole and you’re disgusting.”

  Ash reached for me and I punched his hand away.

  “Life is more than one moment, angel,” he said. “What if I told you my parents secretly weren’t happy together? Huh? What if I told you they were thinking about splitting up? What if I told you my father had been rumored to be fucking around with other women? What if I told you my mother had been having a long standing affair with some other guy? What if I told you one night it all exploded at home and my father was drunk and my mother decided to take me somewhere else to spend the night… and her only three glasses of wine left her feeling like she was okay to drive…”

  I shook my head. “No. No. I’m not doing that, Ash. I don’t believe a word you say.”

  “Because then the story changes, Belle,” he said. “If it’s just an accident, it’s so fucking sad, right? But if it’s what I just said… then what is it? It’s anger. It’s hatred. And what if I told you my father hurried to jump into bed with the first woman willing to open her legs… and what if I told you that woman was Hil’s mother? Meaning maybe all along… they were…”