by JJ King
Chapter 11
I kept my head down and my emotions tight to my chest, managing to avoid all three of the men who were currently driving me crazy for the rest of the weekend and all of Monday, even though it made my heart and stomach ache. Nightmares plagued my nights and left me exhausted and a little off balance.
I ran my fingers through my hair and pinched my cheeks, hoping it would bring a bit of color to the paleness that plagued me as Emily pulled back her chair.
"Holy crap, Lexi!" she hissed, looking at me with bright eyes.
I raised my eyebrows, waiting for her to explain, and slid into my seat.
"Seriously?" She laughed. "You're the talk of campus. That scene at the party between Chase and Dimitri…" She trailed off, waving her hand in the air as if to prompt my memory.
There was no need to prompt anything. Fresh heat surged to my face. I didn't want to talk about that here, or anywhere. So, I thanked the Old Ones silently, when Dr. Daniels strode into the room and took a seat at the head of the table.
Still, Emily was my friend, I reminded myself. If I’d learned anything from chick flicks, it was that girlfriends shared. So, I leaned closer, keeping my voice low. "Not now. Maybe over coffee after class?"
"Sounds good," Emily said, grinning widely just as Dr. Daniels cleared his throat.
"After the dreariness of Nietzsche and Kant last week, I'm sure you're all eager to move onto this week's topic." His eyes lit up from his obvious enjoyment. "The soul mate bond is at the very foundation of our existence as wolves. In nature, wolves mate for life, which is echoed in the very real bond that is created between mates.”
I'd snapped to attention the moment he'd mentioned soul mates. I'd been spending entirely too much time researching the subject and reading every peer-reviewed article I could find on the university’s library link and the Wolf Net. Mostly, the research was identical, focusing solely upon the male/female, male/male, and female/female bonds that have been documented and studied over time. But, no matter how hard I'd looked, I hadn’t come across so much as a footnote about a wolf having multiple mates.
“Chemically speaking, the mate bond suffuses the brain with dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins, but on a much higher and more sustainable level than is seen in humans and wolves in love.” He took a moment to sip from a large coffee before continuing. “Some argue that wolves don’t fall in love, not in the way humans do, because no matter how much we love someone, once we find our mates, that bond is always stronger.”
A blond-haired girl leaned forward, raising her hand to grab Dr. Daniels’ attention before asking, “So, does that mean that a wolf will lose their intense feelings of love for one partner if they meet their mate?”
“Good question,” Dr. Daniels said with a nod of approval. “The case studies you’ll be reading this week show examples of just that. Men and women deep in the thrall of new love who’ve reported a shift in behavior and emotions the moment they bonded with their mates. Of course, the bonding of two mates is a very personal and varied process. Mates can meet and bond instantly, like that fabled ‘love at first sight,’ poets write about so often. Others can know each other for longer and never suspect they’ll one day bond. Most, however, know fairly quickly once they find their other half.”
“Are you bonded, Dr. Daniels?” Emily asked, smiling broadly at our professor.
He grinned and held up a hand where a gold band glittered. “I met him and knew almost instantly that we were mates. The bond, however, took weeks to appear.”
A guy whose sense of style was more haute couture than academy prep, raised a hand. “What does it feel like? The bond? Did it snap into place like a rubber band and your world shifted, or was it slow and steady?” He sighed dreamily. I grinned, loving the drama, and wished I could master a winged eyeliner half as well as he could.
“Well, Josh,” Dr Daniels rubbed a hand over his chin and flashed a grin. “It’s different for everyone, like I said. For me, it was a quick build. I saw him, I was drawn to him, and, within a few weeks, I knew life without him would be inconceivable.”
He arched a brow and continued. “For him, however, it was more like the rubber band. We didn’t react in the same way. I knew right away but he didn’t. All he knew was that he couldn’t get me out of his head. I knew it was love but he thought I was the most annoying, uppity, know-it-all he’d ever met.”
Laughter filled the room.
“He wasn’t wrong, of course. I am a know-it-all, but the bond didn’t slide into his awareness steadily, like it did for me. We were actually in the middle of an argument about how he found me annoying when he just stopped and gasped.” He chuckled then sighed at the memory. “It felt like my world shifted and centered on him. It was like the circle was complete and everything I felt flowed into him and vice versa.”
Josh sighed again.
“But, enough about Asher and I.” Dr. Daniels lifted a remote and pointed it over his shoulder, turning on the SmartBoard that took up a large portion of the wall behind him. "Can someone get the lights, please?"
Charts and graphs appeared on the SmartBoard in an explosion of color that I strained to interpret.
"As this is not a statistics course, I don't expect any of you to be able to read this gibberish," Dr. Daniels said, pushing back from the table so he could move to the side of the screen and face us. "What it basically tells us, is that the brain registers the presence of a soul mate differently than it does that of any other person in a wolf's world." He pointed to an image of a brain and clicked on the link. "This is a PET scan of a female wolf. Emotional responses show in both the temporal lobe and the amygdala which is why you're seeing both of those areas light up. At this moment," he tapped the screen to stop the video, "her daughter is singing a song, which you can clearly see lights her up like a Christmas tree. It’s clear she adores her daughter. However, those emotional connections are nothing compared to what happens when her mate recounts how they met and bonded." He tapped the screen again and let the video run.
Murmurs erupted throughout the class, but I tuned them out as I strained forward in my seat, disbelief and awe flooding my system.
Her brain looked like an electricity field. I flashed back to the X-Men movies and Cerebrum. That's what it reminded me of. Her brain danced with light, and electricity, and life. I gasped in a shuddery breath and wondered what my brain scan would show in the presence of Lucian, Chase, or Dimitri, and if being with all of them at the same time would result in even more activity.
I didn't know how to describe it, but something happened when I was with them. It was like they chased away the shadows left in my soul by my upbringing and imprisonment. I felt whole when they touched me, or even looked my way. As much as I still questioned what was happening between us, I was beginning to understand just how deeply linked we were.
The thought of life without them brought me pain. I blew out a deep breath and swallowed at the mere thought of losing them, any of them. The heaviness of it dragged at me, forming a pit in my stomach that I pushed away immediately. I hadn't lost them, we just hadn't figured out what we were, yet. Although, based on the text message Chase had sent me, they'd already spent time figuring it out on their end. It was well past time we got together and figured it out for everyone.
"Almost one hundred percent of wolves eventually find their mates, even if it takes hundreds of years to do so. Statistically, most wolves are past their one hundredth birthday when they find their other half, but younger wolves sometimes find their mates much sooner." He shrugged and grinned. "Basically, we have zero control over the bond. It's a natural part of who we are. Which makes it a fascinating topic for inquisitive minds." Dr. Daniels steepled his fingers together and tapped them against his mouth. "For instance, some scholars argue that the soul mate bond removes choice and, therefore, enslaves us to the fickle nature of fate. We are our nature, which is a vast difference from the famous quote by René Descartes, "I think, therefore I am." What
are your thoughts?"
What were my thoughts? I thought that in a world of natural beings, I was a laboratory created freak who just kept proving how different I was. I wanted a normal life, a mate, children, a happy existence to wash away the dregs of memory of my past. Instead, fate was throwing me another curve ball.
Was it possible to have more than one soul mate?
If we were soul mates, all four of us connected on a soul deep level, how had that happened and why had it happened to me? Doubt and fear crept into my heart. Did Raphael do something in his lab to cause this?
I thought of Rose, of Alyssa, and of all the other girls that had been created just like me. If I were a sin against nature, then they were, too, and I would never lay that burden on them. I chewed on my lip and pushed past my insecurities.
I had just as much right as anyone to find happiness, I repeated, like a mantra. I had more right than many to grab onto that happiness and never let go. I gave myself a firm talking to and refocused on the discussion, which was actually quite fascinating.
By the time class ended, I’d made up my mind to speak to Dr. Daniels about a purely hypothetical situation.
“Do you mind waiting a few minutes while I talk to the prof?” I asked Emily as she turned for the door.
Her eyebrows rose a fraction, but she shrugged and shook her head. “I’ll be just outside.”
I waited for the room to empty before clearing my throat. “Dr. Daniels?”
He raised his head and looked at me with surprise. “Yes, Lexi, what can I do for you?” He moved papers into his leather satchel then sat on the edge of the table and gave me his full attention.
My tongue wanted to stick to the roof of my mouth, but I forced it to cooperate. It was just a hypothetical as far as he knew.
“I’ve been doing a bit of reading on soul mates and wanted to ask if, hypothetically, it would be possible for a wolf to have multiple mates.” My sticky tongue felt too big in my mouth now.
He tilted his head to the side and considered. “I’ve never read of it happening but that doesn’t mean it isn’t possible. A hundred years ago same sex soul mates were unheard of in our society, but it wasn’t because we didn’t exist, it was because it was still considered taboo. Polite society didn’t acknowledge same sex mates because we couldn’t produce naturally conceived pups.” He shook his head. “It seems silly now, but, at one point, most wolves would have said only male female soul mates existed.”
He pushed off the desk and adjusted his shirt, then continued. “If you look to the human world and the vast array of relationships possible, especially polyamory, it seems close minded to think our kind wouldn’t at some point experience the same type of expansion.”
I frowned and thought it over. “So, you’re saying it could very well happen but because it’s still not considered mainstream,” I made air quotes to show my disdain, “there are no reports or studies done to verify it.”
He grinned. “Exactly. Only the arrogant believe knowledge is set. All perception is fluid.” He picked up his satchel and threw the strap over his shoulder. “Sorry to cut this short, but I have another class. I’ll see what I can find in regard to multiple mates and let you know next class.”
I thanked him and joined Emily in the hallway.
“What was that about?” she asked, lowering her phone as we started walking towards the cafeteria.
I shrugged. “Nothing, really. Just a question about soul mates.” I brushed it off, hoping she’d drop the topic.
“Speaking of soul mates,” Emily said with a devilish grin. She wiggled her eyebrows and did a shoulder shimmy that made me laugh.
“Come on,” I said, shaking my head with amusement. “I’m going to need coffee to get through this conversation.”
Her arm linked through mine and pulled me forward, as casually as two girlfriends who’d known each other for years. I grinned as she launched into a description of the girl she’d met after I’d brought chaos to the party.
It felt easy and right, spending time with her, being here at Omega Wolf Academy, two things I hadn’t thought possible just a few weeks ago. The darkness that had been my constant companion for too many years to count lifted fractionally as we made our way towards coffee and, possibly, snacks.
I was happy, I realized, laughing at one of Emily’s jokes. I was content.
Which is why I ignored the chill of fear that stole up my spine as we stepped out into the summer air and turned towards the cafeteria.
Chapter 12
My phone vibrated softly, buzzing against my leg as I shifted my gaze from the stunning model posed gracefully on top of a stool at the center of class to my canvas.
Ignoring it, I bent my wrist to lower the angle of my pencil and darkened the shading on my portrait of the woman we’d started working on tonight. She was lovely, all long lines and soft curves with curly burnished hair and dreamy eyes. It was easy to let the world slip away and just focus on translating her beauty onto the page before me. A short buzz indicated that a message had been left. Good. I’d check it after class. There was only nine minutes left to the session and I wanted as much time with my shadows as possible before class ended.
I loved this class. The world outside these four walls faded away when I stepped through the doors to my art class studio. Maybe it was the splash of bold colours on the walls, or the array of student and professor art, or the patient but enthusiastic attitude of my professor, whatever it was, this place calmed me. I adjusted my pencil again and deepened the shadows between the model’s thighs.
"Alright, class," Deirdre, no last name, no fancy doctorate title, said with an easy smile. "We'll continue working on Cassandra next class." She raised her gaze to look at the model who was pulling on a cotton robe and stepping down off the pedestal at the center of class. "Thank you, Cassandra." Deidre offered the beautiful young woman a nod and a smattering of applause that everyone joined in on.
I gathered my supplies, taking care with my pencils out of habit. I'd always loved drawing, but pencils were weapons, so I'd had to secret my precious treasures away and hide them from prying eyes. For our one-month anniversary of being free, Rose had presented me with a beautiful art kit that had allowed me to explore whatever natural talent I had. When I'd been picking out my courses for this term, she'd urged me to register. She hadn't had to urge very strongly, I'd been planning on signing up for an art course anyway, but this one was the advanced class, and I hadn't thought myself ready for it. So, she'd pushed and prodded, like a proper big sister, until I'd submitted a small portfolio of my work, then waited on pins and needles for the professor's decision. Getting that acceptance would go down as one of my favorite moments of all time.
I just wished that the peace and calm I felt while I created would bleed out into my everyday life.
The chuckle escaped before I could catch it and I rolled my eyes over my own idiocy. What exactly did I have to be stressed about? I'd spent my formative years locked inside a cage and was finally free. Not just free, I thought, but blessed with friends and family that understood what I've been through, who'd been through it with me. Just because they weren't here with me right now didn't mean that they weren't with me in spirit. And just because I wasn't ready to share that part of me with my friends here, didn't mean that they wouldn't accept me when I did.
Sure, I had boy troubles, but, like Lizzo said, "That's the human in me." Well, technically the wolf in me, but that was just semantics.
The point was, I had friends to share it with. I wasn’t alone.
That's all anyone ever wanted, wasn't it? To not be alone. To find others who would walk with them, side-by-side, holding them up when they needed it, celebrating the good times, and just being there. It might be confusing and totally outside the realm of possibility, but there was a chance, however small, that I'd found not just one, but three guys to stand with me. With that really so bad?
Relationships, especially romantic ones, came with complications,
or so books and romantic comedies had taught me. One guy could wreak havoc on a girl's entire existence. Did the havoc increase threefold for three guys, was the havoc increased exponentially? These questions whirled through my mind, confusing the shit out of me.
Of course, it didn’t matter that I was confused or agitated or downright pissed off, at times. I felt what I felt, and so did they. There was something real happening between us, we all felt it. I couldn’t dismiss my feelings without dismissing theirs, and I wouldn’t do that to them.
I slung my backpack over my shoulder and moved out of the room, nodding goodbye to Deidre. I wasn't ready to accept that what I was feeling for Dimitri, Lucian, and Chase, was what my heart kept insisting it was. It was impossible, my mind argued, improbable at best. Yet, for every argument my mind presented, my heart pulsed with need for them.
My emotions were like a roller coaster these days. I'd felt wonder and awe yesterday when I'd looked at the image of that woman's brain in the presence of her soul mate. It had lifted me, making my soul sing with hope.
Yet, I'd fallen asleep feeling sorry for myself and had been pulled down into dark dreams where monsters stalked me. I'd tried my best to wash away all the negativity in the shower, but some of it had stuck and refused to budge.
So, I’d done everything I could throughout the day to regain my sense of self and balance. I'd gone for a run, done some meditation, even had a video chat with Dr. Bennett before heading out to class. I’d worked hard and regained my balance and now I wanted to find my guys.
Finally.
The sky was a soft glow of orange and pinks when I stepped out of the art building and onto the path. I breathed in the scent of honeysuckle and blackberries and closed my eyes for a moment, letting the soft summer breeze flutter my hair.
When my phone began to buzz again, my eyes popped open. I’d forgotten about the message. Maybe it was from one of them, or all of them.
