Dancing With Redemption (Barre To Bar Book 5)

by Summer Cooper

  “No, honey, you didn’t do anything wrong at all. Somebody, well, somebody hurt Mommy, but it wasn’t you. And that person can never hurt anyone again.” Lincoln wondered if he’d revealed too much there, but when he saw the look on Lily’s face, he decided he hadn’t been wrong. That fierce look of satisfaction didn’t belong on a child’s face, but it was a look Lincoln was familiar with. He’d often had it on his own face over the years. Yep, this was his baby girl.

  “I’m glad they can’t hurt anyone anymore. Will Mommy stop being sad soon?” Lily settled down in his lap and leaned against his chest, relaxed with her father. That touched him deep in his heart and he put his hand out to cup her face.

  “She will, honey. I hope so, anyway. I don’t like seeing Mommy sad either.” Lincoln sighed and sat back in the chair with Lily. “We’ll get some help for Mommy if we need to, but right now, she just needs to rest.”

  His eyes were on Roxie, still asleep with a blanket over her torso. She still could barely stand to have anything on her toes, even socks. She had on a pair of men’s socks that were much too large, just to keep her feet warm, but they didn’t touch her toes with any kind of pressure. He wondered how long it would take before she could stand anything on her toes. The doctor had said a couple of weeks, perhaps, but Lincoln had a feeling it might be longer. He wondered if some of the pain Roxie felt was mental, but he didn’t want to suggest it. She might take it as him diminishing her pain or insulting her, and he wasn’t trying to do that at all. He just wanted to…protect her. Even if it was already too late to protect her from the worst that had happened to her.

  “Aunt June is going to take me to Disneyland next summer,” Lily said after a few minutes of silence.

  “I’ve heard. Are you sure you want to go that far without your mom?” Lincoln asked, wondering if she’d still want to go if Roxie didn’t go. He still had no idea how far along Roxie was in her pregnancy, but the summer months would surely find her giving birth and with a newborn. Roxie may not want to travel if she had a baby to take care of.

  “Would you stay with Mommy?” Lily asked, deep concern pulling her eyebrows together.

  “If she wanted me to, yes, honey. I’ll always take care of your mom, if she’ll let me,” he answered honestly, while also letting Lily know it was her mother’s decision to make. It was important that she understand a man should take a woman’s wishes into consideration.

  “Good. Mommy needs you to take care of her,” Lily said, and Lincoln could only hug her tight for a second before he let her go.

  “Come on, get in your seat. We’ll be landing soon.” Lincoln pushed her gently towards her seat and buckled his own seatbelt.

  Roxie sat up and got in her own seat, making Lincoln wonder if she’d heard his discussion with Lily. She didn’t act like she’d heard anything, instead, she smiled at him, touched her wig to make sure it was still in place, and then made sure Lily was comfortable.

  Lincoln watched her, feeling a distance there that he couldn’t close. She’d kept him at arm’s length since she got out of the hospital. She’d speak to him, discuss Lily with him, but she balked at conversations about their relationship or about the baby on the way. He hadn’t tried to push her on the subject, not yet, but soon she’d have to say something, one way or another.

  Either their relationship was done and he needed to move on, or she needed to let him back into her life. He wasn’t concerned about sex, or the lack of it, he wasn’t even sure if there was ever going to be sex between them again, but he did want to know if he could love her or not. There was always loving her from afar, he thought, with a silent roll of his eyes, but if they were done he wanted to know. That was all.

  And maybe being his again would help to heal her. Wasn’t love supposed to help heal deep invisible wounds like hers? There was the new baby and Lily, who could probably heal all of her wounds, but he’d like to be a part of that healing. If she wanted him to be.

  The plane landed and Lincoln drove them all back to his house, with a stop to pick up Chinese food for dinner. Aunt Katie had some business to take care of and would be flying back down to Myrtle Beach in a couple of days. For now, it was just the family that Lincoln hadn’t known he wanted more than anything he’d ever wanted before. Not until he’d almost lost one of the most important members of that family.

  “Who wants an egg roll?” Lincoln asked as he dug out bags of egg rolls, crab Rangoon, and boxes filled with the dishes they’d ordered. Roxie remained silent but Lily jumped up and down with excitement.

  “I want an egg roll and crab ragoo,” Lily said, unable to pronounce the Rangoon part in such a sweet way it made Lincoln laugh.

  “You can have both, honey. Hand me your plate.” Lincoln doled out food to them all, watching Roxie, who’d barely said a word since she got on the plane earlier. “Roxie? You hungry or do you want to wait?”

  “I’ll just have my sesame chicken, please.” She looked up at him for a second, then looked back at her plate. Her eyes were haunted, and he knew she’d been back in that dark place for a second. A second that probably felt like an eternity to her.

  “I think you should have some crab ragoo, as Lily calls it. I know it’s one of your favorite things.” He’d ordered extra, just because of that.

  “Oh, sure. Yeah.” She blinked and nodded in agreement, as if suddenly coming back to life. “Lily, don’t eat too much, baby. You’ll be sick if you eat all of that fried rice.”

  Lincoln looked over to see Lily had scooped out a huge pile of rice onto her plate. It was far more than she could eat, but he’d let her try, if she wanted to. “It’s okay, Roxie. Let her have a try.”

  “Oh. Okay.” Roxie looked down at her plate, and he knew he’d done something wrong, but he didn’t know what. If only he knew how to make this all better for her, he would. But he couldn’t, and that killed him a little bit every day.

  15

  Roxie

  It wasn’t that they were back in Lincoln’s house that had Roxie inwardly panicking. It was that room upstairs. A room where she’d been given, and had given pleasure, that made her want to grab her bags and her daughter and run away.

  It was illogical and she knew it, but just knowing that room was there, knowing that there was a massage table, handcuffs, all kinds of ties and binds, made her skin crawl. She knew it was her own issue, that Lincoln would not mention that room, or anything else that might upset her. Just as she knew he wouldn’t take her anywhere near that room. What had happened in that room was nothing like what had happened to her in New York, but it was still too much of a reminder.

  She just couldn’t say that to him. There was no way to explain it to him, how she felt being so close to that room. He’d said to her, before she left his house that day, that he was taking over custody of Lily, so if she wanted to be near her daughter now, and she very much wanted to be as close to Lily as she could be, then she’d have to stay with Lincoln. Despite that room. Despite the fear that tried to claw its way up her throat the minute she walked in the door and remembered that room upstairs.

  On some level, Roxie knew this was trauma, knew it was desecrating the memory of the things they’d shared in that room. There wasn’t anything she could do about it, though. Saying anything to him might cause an argument, might end with him telling her to go back to her own apartment, but she’d have to go without Lily.

  In the end, she’d decided to keep her trap shut and not say anything. This was her issue. She’d have to deal with it on her own. “I’m going to lie down for a little while.”

  “Sure. I’ll stay down here with Lily. You rest, Rox.” Lincoln nodded but she caught the look of disappointment on his face and the way he frowned at her full plate. She’d only eaten a little of her food, but her stomach was twisted up and she couldn’t force even some of her favorite foods down her throat. She’d heat it up later if she got hungry.

  Roxie walked up to the room that was hers and turned the TV on, just to have some noise in
the room. She undressed, avoiding her still-tender toes as much as she could. Her fingertips were still a little tender, but not as much as her toes were. Part of her was afraid the pain would never go away, that there’d be a constant reminder of her time spent with that awful woman, but she habitually crushed that part of her thinking.

  She picked a movie that seemed light, funny even, put on a baby pink nightgown, and got under the covers. She closed her eyes as the duvet settled over her, feeling almost at home for a peaceful second. This was what she’d needed, a quiet place with few people in it. Even if that room was down the hall, locked to everyone but Lincoln.

  The opening credits of the movie ended, and Roxie turned to watch it. The movie played on, absorbing all of Roxie’s attention until someone knocked at the door. Her body stiffened, but she didn’t move. It could only be Lincoln or Lily, but fear still traced through her veins, polluting the peaceful shield she’d built around herself.

  “Hey, it’s Lincoln. Your phone started buzzing, do you want it with you?” He asked through the door.

  Roxie stayed silent, hoping he’d assume she was asleep. She waited, breath held, but he moved away from the door. Her eyes moved back to the television, letting her brain become absorbed in the movie again.

  It wasn’t fair to him, this wall she’d put between him. It wasn’t the things he’d said to her before she’d left for New York that had erected that wall. It was her experience with Celeste, and her own doubt in herself. He didn’t need someone as broken as her in his life, not as a romantic partner, anyway. And she couldn’t let herself…she wasn’t sure what the word was.

  She loved him already, that wouldn’t change. She trusted him. Knew he’d done everything he could to find her, to save her. June had told her everything that had happened. And it wasn’t that she was afraid to be happy, either. She just couldn’t take the thought of intimacy, not when it meant giving up control of herself.

  Understanding blossomed in her mind at last, and the movie faded away.

  Celeste had taken every bit of her autonomy, her self-control. The woman had shown her that everything she thought was true wasn’t. Civility was an illusion that could be shattered with a pair of clippers, or a pair of pliers. The idea that you could determine what happened to you, with you, had disappeared when that woman violated Roxie’s body with needles that she pushed into Roxie’s toes.

  Thank fuck they’d found her before she could go to work with that blow torch, but even knowing that she’d been saved hadn’t stopped the nightmares. Nightmares that brought to life what would have happened if Kai and Lincoln hadn’t found her, hadn’t saved her. Her own brain was causing her more trauma after the fact.

  Roxie felt something wet on her face and realized she was crying. She hadn’t really cried before, a few tears here and there, but now that she was alone, really alone, she couldn’t stop the tears. And when she started to sob out huge gasping sobs into the pillow, she couldn’t stop those either.

  A snick at the door wasn’t enough to stop the tears or the sobs, not until a tiny pair of arms went around her waist and a much larger hand cupped her cheek.

  “Please don’t cry, Mommy,” Lily said against the back of her head.

  “Cry it out if you have to, Rox,” Lincoln said from across the bed, his feet still on the floor. Only Lily had crawled into the bed with her. Lincoln had respected her enough to not get on the bed with her. Still, he wanted to comfort her, wanted to let her do what she needed to and that mattered.

  She opened her eyes to look at him. She saw how concerned he was, how he wanted to do more but wouldn’t, not unless she wanted him to. All she could muster was a watery smile, but that soon turned stronger. “It’s okay, I’m better now.”

  “Are you sure?” He asked, kneeling down on that side of the bed, but still not in it.

  “Yeah.” She nodded, putting a hand over Lily’s much smaller one as he pulled his hand back from her face. “I just had a moment, that’s all.”

  “Want to talk about it?” He asked, but she shook her head.

  “No, not right now. Maybe later.” She indicated Lily with a slight nod of her head.

  Lincoln didn’t look overly pleased with that, but even if she did actually talk to him about all of this, it wouldn’t happen with Lily in the room. Maybe not in this house, with that room in it.

  “Want me to sleep with you tonight, Mommy?” Lily asked, crawling over Roxie’s body to look her mother in the face.

  “If you want to, baby.” Roxie smiled at Lily, brushing her hair behind her ear. “If you want to sleep in your room, though, you can.”

  “I don’t mind staying in here with you, Mommy. I know you have the bad dreams, and I don’t want you to wake up alone,” Lily said, wisdom beyond her years coming out in a way that surprised Roxie.

  “Thank you, honey, but I’ll be okay. I will, I promise.” Roxie knew she’d interrupted Lily’s new routine enough. It was time her daughter had some kind of normalcy back. There was a security team outside, even if all the threats against Roxie had been neutralized. Lincoln would never allow another night to go by without actual people watching out for them all. Lily would be safe in her room.

  “If you’re sure, Mommy. Can I watch Stephanie until I fall asleep?” Lily asked, and Roxie agreed. Stephanie was a science cartoon character for young girls, a cartoon that Roxie could definitely appreciate.

  “Thanks, Mommy.” Lily kissed her mom and jumped off the bed. No doubt to run to her room and turn the TV on.

  “Are you sure you’ll be okay, Rox?” Lincoln prodded, making Roxie turn her eyes to him.

  “I’m having a rough time right now. I’ll be alright soon. I promise.” Her smile was a little too flat, but it was all she could muster at that moment.

  “Do you want to talk to a professional?” Lincoln asked, his eyes on his hands, not her. He didn’t want her to feel shame about any of it, she could sense that.

  “Maybe, yes. It might be best.” She had to acknowledge it at some point. She’d been through hell and might need some help dealing with that. It was one thing talking to your lover or best friend, but a professional could help in ways that the others couldn’t. A therapist had the tools and skills to help her through this.

  “I’ll find one for you tomorrow then. I’ll get the best I can find.” He stood back up, but stepped away from the bed. He was being extra careful to not make her feel threatened, which she appreciated, even if she couldn’t say it out loud.

  “Thank you, Lincoln.” The words came out woodenly, but that couldn’t be helped either. She was on the verge of bursting out in tears again, and she simply didn’t want to. Not because he was there but because she hated how weak she felt when she cried.

  “I’ll leave you, then. If you need me, you know where I am.” He stepped away, but paused at the door. “Even if I’m asleep, Rox, please wake me up if you want me. I know things are weird between us right now, but I will always be here for you, however you need me.”

  “Thanks. That means a lot to me.” She couldn’t look him in the eye though, mainly because she couldn’t say the same back. She wasn’t sure she could say that to anyone but her daughter and unborn baby right now.

  “Good night,” he said and closed the door on his way out.

  Roxie stared at the door for a long time, but she didn’t get up. Instead, she put another movie on, an old one about a hospital with a lot of coma patients, and fell asleep. For the first time since she’d woken up in the hospital, she slept peacefully and without nightmares.

  When she woke up the next morning, Lincoln was making breakfast for Lily and getting her ready for school.

  “Hi, Roxie. Listen, you have two doctor appointments today,” he said, sliding a paper with names, times, and addresses on them. “I have to work, but if you want me to go with you to either, I will.”

  “Okay, what’s the first one?” She asked, noting the name but not seeing what each doctor was for.

  “B-A-B-Y
doctor,” Lincoln spelled the word out, making Lily roll her eyes.

  “I can spell, Daddy. Mommy’s not a baby, why does she need a baby doctor?” Lily asked, frowning.

  “Because sometimes mommies need to see them,” Lincoln said, which wasn’t really an answer, but Lily accepted it.

  “Okay. Do you want to go to that one?” Roxie waited for him to answer. He nodded, shooting her a glance that said he really wanted to go. “Alright, you can come. The second one?”

  He looked at her steadily for a few seconds. “I’ll take you if you need the moral support. I think you’ll want to do that one alone, don’t you?”

  That was the therapist then. “If you want to come to the first appointment, that’s fine. And you can drive me to the second one.”

  “That’s fine,” he answered her with a slight smile.

  It was a step, a small one, but still a step.

  At least he had the sense to know she needed help with all of this. He hadn’t made her feel bad, or like she was crazy, he’d just accepted that all of this was bigger than either of them and he’d done what needed to be done. He was still taking charge, but at least it was in a proper direction.

  And he’d also had his own experience with kidnapping, Roxie thought, as he bundled Lily up with her schoolbag and took her off to school. Nathan had kept him locked in a storage unit for days, and he’d managed to shake it all off. Or it seemed he had, anyway.

  Perhaps that was why he’d demanded total custody of Lily, it was his way of taking back his control. And perhaps that’s why he’d acted like such a dick to Roxie when he found out about Lily, something else that had been decided without his consent. Roxie had kept Lily a secret from him, taking away more of his control. Which was no excuse to be a dick to her, seeing as how she’d only done that to protect him, but she hadn’t quite explained that well, if she remembered it all correctly.