Dancing With Redemption (Barre To Bar Book 5)

by Summer Cooper

  The last few weeks before her trip to New York were kind of a blur. She looked at the first name on the paper and wondered what the doctor would say. When she was in the hospital in New York, an ultrasound hadn’t been able to determine exactly how far along she was, other than maybe three months, maybe four. June hadn’t been certain, though she’d tried her best.

  When Roxie sat down to try to think of exactly when she might have gotten pregnant, all she could recall was that first time they were together. Since then, she’d had Nathan to deal with, Lincoln’s kidnapping, and his rejection of her once he found out about Lily. Then there’d been her own kidnapping, and that made dates and other important facts a little blurry in her head. She couldn’t remember what month he’d come back into her life, or exactly what day they’d first had sex again, without protection.

  She’d gone back through text messages and everything else, but none of it added up to exactly when she got pregnant. It could be three or four months, and June had said it could be four when she did the ultrasound on Roxie. The baby was either four months old or a big three-month-old. Roxie had no clue.

  Which would sound stupid when she explained it to the Ob/Gyn down here, but she wouldn’t know about the last few months of Roxie’s life. It wasn’t until she sat down and thought about it all, tried to pin down a conception date, that she realized exactly how much shit she’d been through in such a short period.

  But perhaps Lincoln had realized and knew a therapist was the best answer for helping her to get through it all. He should probably see one too, she thought, but wouldn’t push. That was something a person had to decide for themself, and Roxie knew that she needed to do this for her child, and the one about to be born. And maybe for the sake of the relationship she would have with Lincoln, romantic or not.

  16

  Roxie

  A month passed peacefully, with Roxie going to therapy three times a week at first, and then once a week for the past two weeks. Lincoln always took her to every session, picked her up, and when she needed some peace and quiet he’d take her back home, to the beach behind his house, to walk on her own. Sometimes she wanted company and he’d take the whole family out to a restaurant where Lily could play with other kids on the playgrounds while they waited for their food.

  She wasn’t miraculously cured of her trauma, but she was on the road to recovery, she could feel it. She could also feel her baby now, in the bulge of her stomach and in small kicks and flutters in her abdomen. And the room that remained locked in Lincoln’s house? That wasn’t so scary now, even if she made a point not to even look at the door when she walked by it.

  Time created distance from her memories, from the awfulness of that night, and life with her daughter created a barrier from that darkness. Life goes on, wasn’t that what people said so often? And for Roxie, it did.

  Only there was still the question lodged between Lincoln and her of what the future held. At one point, she’d considered a future with him in it. She’d almost thought about home, and babies, with days spent picking out furniture while their nights were spent wrapped up together. Then Nathan happened and the main secret she’d hidden from Lincoln for far too long came out. He’d lost it completely when he found out about Lily and that was understandable.

  She’d been able to unpack everything, one thing at a time, in her therapy sessions. Since then, she’d come to grips with the fact that she’d never be Chloe again, even if she was set to start using her legal name for everything else in her life. She even had a new bank account, with her real name, and had her old car changed from a friend’s name to her own now. She’d been innovative in finding solutions to life in hiding, but she was finished hiding now.

  Everyone she knew would continue to call her Roxie, but she’d begun an imaginary fusing of her past with her present. She was becoming a whole person whose life was separated by one single event. To an extent, that event had changed her into this new person that she was, but being Roxie now was a choice she made without the fear that forced her to be someone else, and that was the most important part.

  Lincoln was there for her in every way she’d allow him to be. The way he’d distanced himself from her when he found out about Lily still stung a great deal and she couldn’t bring herself to take down the wall that had come up after he rescued her from Celeste. That pain was still too much to get past for someone who’d endured far too much already.

  She remembered something else Marie had said to her before she’d gone flown off with her husband back to their sanctuary. Technically, the position as head of the family was Marie’s, as she was her father’s daughter, but she was happy for Matteo to take the position he was groomed for. She didn’t want anything to do with it, so she’d gladly let him take on the role.

  Roxie realized that’s what she was doing with Lincoln. He’d taken on the role as head of their small family. She hated the fact that it was what had happened with Celeste that made her second guess her judgment, but she had a feeling he would have done that anyway. She didn’t complain, though she did wish she could be the independent woman she used to be again.

  But then, she had to admit in one of her therapy sessions that it was kind of nice letting someone else make decisions for her. With time, she knew that independent streak would come back, her confidence was recovering every day, but she still wasn’t ready to fly on her own. Besides, Lincoln didn’t seem to mind leading the way.

  June came to visit five weeks after Roxie’s tragic trip to New York. Roxie took her out to lunch while Lincoln went Christmas shopping with Lily.

  “You know they’re going to come home with a room full of toys, don’t you?” June joked as the waiter brought them both glasses of seltzer water with lemon.

  “I do, and I’ll have a tough time getting Lincoln to understand he’s spoiling her.” Roxie sipped at the glass of water, her eyes hidden behind sunglasses. She wore a slightly longer wig today, still blonde, but the air was cold, so she’d chosen the wig with hair that came down to a spot between her shoulders. Her fingers tugged at the bottom of the wig, to make sure it hadn’t moved.

  “Are you wearing those all the time now?” June asked, without making it obvious what she was talking about.

  “Not at home. Lily thinks it’s funny that I can change my appearance so much. And she likes to play with them.” Roxie stuck a finger under the wig, feeling the hair that was little more than silky stubble underneath it. “I went to a beautician down here, once it was certain that my stitches had healed, and had it all cut to the same length. It’ll take forever, but it will grow back.”

  “It will, honey. How’s the baby?” June’s eyes were hidden behind sunglasses too, but Roxie could tell her smile was genuine.

  “He’s fine. Definitely a he. No ambiguity there, at all.” Roxie showed June the ultrasound picture and laughed when June saw why the baby had been declared a he.

  “Are they sure that’s not another arm?” June laughed, but she knew better than Roxie how to read an ultrasound, it was part of her job as a fertility specialist.

  “You’d know better than me,” Roxie replied, patting her belly. “I’m just the incubator.”

  “Oh, you’re more than that, hush.” June waved away the notion with her hand and frowned. “I’m sure Lincoln doesn’t think of you that way.”

  “I don’t know how he thinks of me, to be honest. It’s not something we talk about anymore.” Roxie sat back, not defensively, but to distance herself from the question. “Maybe someday down the line, but right now, we aren’t a couple. We’re two people who live in the same house because we have a child together. I don’t know if it will ever change, even after the new baby.”

  “I’m sorry, Roxie. I know you care deeply for him. And he does you. Life sucks sometimes,” June pouted, but it wasn’t malicious. “I really wanted you two to have your happy ever after.”

  “I know. It’s not happening, though. I think we’re both too broken to let it happen,” Roxie sighed
, although it was the truth.

  “I hope not. Have you thought about names?” June changed the subject so fast it nearly made Roxie’s head spin.

  “Michael. I’m not sure. I keep coming back to Michael.” Even saying it made her smile. It just felt like the right name for her son.

  “I like it. Traditional, strong, a good name. What does Lincoln think?” June sat back in her chair, a smile still on her face.

  “Oh, he wants to name him after Kai and Trevon one minute, and then he wants to name him something with an L in the next, to match him and Lily. And Liam of course, which I kind of agree with. Michael Liam Young works, doesn’t it?” Roxie pondered the name and decided she liked it.

  “I think that would make Liam and Dad both very happy.” June sniffled a little, her emotions getting the best of her. “It’s just so touching.”

  “Well, we can’t name him after you, unless we name him John in a nod to you, or something like that, but I’m glad you’re pleased with that. I’ll tell Lincoln our decision when we get home.” Roxie laughed, some of that independent streak coming back to life. Her eyes sparkled brightly behind her sunglasses, but nobody could see. She could feel it, and that made a difference.

  “He can’t override a pregnant mother’s decision, that’s what I tell my patients and their partners. The pregnant person gets to decide.” June laughed at her own joke and Roxie laughed with her.

  “That’s a good point. I’m doing all of the hard work here.” Roxie picked up her glass and took another sip of her water. Her pants were far too tight, but she’d worn them instead of the maternity pants because she thought they were stretchy enough. That was wrong, but she couldn’t change it now. “I hate needing stretchy pants.”

  “Well, as you know from past experience, that’s not going to change anytime soon,” June pointed out, but whatever else she might have said was deferred because the waiter was bringing them their chicken Caesar salads.

  Roxie was trying not to eat too many fatty foods, as well as walking on the beach every day to maintain her energy, and dancing when she could to keep fit. She had to be very careful on the pole, she was showing now, and her center of gravity wasn’t the same, but she still loved to dance when she could.

  Later, when Lily was in bed and June had headed off to her hotel, Lincoln brought her a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of apple juice while she watched a movie in the living room. She hadn’t asked for the sandwich or the drink, but he must have known she was feeling hungry again.

  “Thanks, that’s nice of you,” she said gratefully and took the plate. “I didn’t even know I was hungry.”

  “You get this look now, a sort of frown that makes your eyebrows come together when you’re hungry,” Lincoln explained with an easy smile.

  “I hope you aren’t making fun of me,” she said just before she took a bite of the sandwich, her eyes laughing with him.

  “No, not at all. But I have started to wonder if you’ll gnaw your own leg off if I don’t feed you on schedule,” he joked, teasing her good-naturedly.

  “I might eat yours if you keep it up,” she teased back, and took another bite.

  “Take what you like, my lady.” He gestured at his hips, but then realized what he’d done and froze.

  Roxie looked up at him. He stood there, hands in the pockets of his sweatpants, saying nothing, but her eyes were full of laughter. He’d stepped right into that one. “I don’t think you want me to take everything.”

  “No, there are, um, some off-limits parts,” he continued, but the tone had changed and she knew it. She didn’t shy away from it though. It was nice to play like this with him again, even if it was a dangerous game.

  She took another bite of her sandwich and waited, not saying anything else at all. How far would he let this go? For that matter, how far would she let it go? Something flared to life in his eyes as he looked down at her, something familiar that made her bones melt.

  Desire.

  But would it just be sex?

  Would it even go that far? Roxie had no idea what would happen, but she kind of wanted to know.

  “Maybe you should let me go hungry once or twice to find out if I’d become that ravenous,” she finally said, slowly, softly.

  Over the last few days, her dreams had changed, bringing up memories that she tried to hide from when she woke up because they were memories of her nights with Lincoln. Living so close to him wasn’t difficult, but it was becoming a bit of a problem as her body demanded a return to the pleasure he used to give her. It wanted what it used to have and didn’t care why it was being denied that satisfaction.

  Roxie remembered this from her last pregnancy, with Lily. There’d been no way to satisfy her body’s craving back then, Lincoln was out of reach, and she didn’t want anyone else. There’d been a few offers of a date from guys she’d met, but those stopped when she started to show. Besides, she always told the guys no. They weren’t Lincoln and she didn’t want anyone but him.

  She hadn’t understood quite what was happening to her back then, but now she knew. She needed a fuck, but she didn’t want a fuck. She wanted what she couldn’t have. She wanted him to worship her body like he used to.

  It would pass after the baby came, she’d be too tired to think about sex then, but right now? Her body was raring to go.

  Lincoln stood there, looking down at her, the thoughts behind his eyes hidden. Then he swallowed, smiled at her, and left the room. Not tonight then.

  Roxie smiled anyway. No matter what, sex dreams of Lincoln were far better than the nightmares, and much more pleasant than some of the dreams she had. She’d wake up ready to jump his bones and strip his clothes off in the morning, as she had this morning when she’d woken up to find a croissant and a glass of orange juice on her nightstand, with him standing over her, but that would be okay. It was all worth it, just to get through the night and into a new day. And once the baby came, it would all change again anyway. Perhaps it was best to stick to dreams and nothing more until then.

  17

  Roxie

  The next day was pure torment. Lincoln worked from home that morning, something he did often now that he had a daughter and a pregnant ex-girlfriend to look after. Roxie had nothing to do, the house was kept clean by Aunt Katie and the shopping was done by Lincoln or his PA. She didn’t even have a lunch date or a job to go to. Lincoln had insisted he’d pay her bills and anything else she needed because he didn’t want her to jeopardize her health while she was pregnant.

  That, and she needed time to heal from her injuries, mental and physical. She’d agreed because she’d been too tired to argue when they first came back from New York. Now she wanted something to do, anything to escape the scent of the man that seemed to be everywhere in the house. The dreams last night had been even more powerful, so real she could have sworn he’d actually been there with her in the bed, when she woke up. Only he wasn’t. She’d been alone throughout the vivid dreams that had felt so real.

  All of her friends were busy, as she’d discovered after sending out dozens of text messages before 9 am. They all had prior engagements or work. June had taken Lily on a trip that would last through the weekend, a trip to a ski resort on the western side of North Carolina. There was no escaping Lincoln, and she couldn’t even make up an excuse to get out of the house that wouldn’t see him insisting on going with her.

  “For fuck’s sake,” she mumbled, glaring at her closet. “I need to get away from this house for a little while.”

  With a grim set to her face, she pulled out a pair of black maternity pants, a long black blouse with a generous panel in the front to accommodate her belly, and the boots Lincoln had bought for her. She was going to go somewhere, alone. Even if she had to insist on it. This was not going to end well if she was stuck around the house all day with him here.

  “Where are you off to?” Lincoln asked when she made it downstairs, pulling on her coat as she came down.

  “Um, just out. I’m a
little stir crazy.” She grabbed her bag from a hook on the wall by the front door, frantically digging around in it for her keys. Here it comes, I just know he’s going to say it.

  And he didn’t disappoint her. “Oh, hold on, I’ll go with you.”

  “No!” She shouted without meaning to. She looked around at him, with a wince of apology. “Sorry, no, it’s fine. I need to get out. On my own.”

  “I see,” he said, his eyes narrowing. “Are you alright, Roxie?”

  “I’m fine,” she insisted, forcing a smile on her face. I’m just going to assault you if I don’t leave right now. “I have some personal things I need to get and I’d like to stretch my legs. You get your work done, I’ll be fine.”

  He didn’t like letting her out on her own since that trip to New York and she knew why, he wanted to know she was safe, but she was only going to the mall. It wasn’t that far away. And he’d let June take Lily hours away, which had surprised Roxie, but she’d agreed to the trip too. They all needed to get back to life and right now, Roxie needed some privacy, even if it was in one of the most public places you could be. She needed some time away from him more than anything.

  She couldn’t think rationally when he was so close. Her brain insisted on remembering things like how his skin felt beneath her fingers, what it felt like to have him in her mouth, inside her body. And the sounds he made when she moved in time with him, fuck, those soft groans and moans had haunted her all night. Even now, the memory was there, making her cheeks hot and her knees a little wobbly.

  Lincoln stared at her, watching her for signs of distress. Roxie tried to school her features, tried to keep her face calm, and he must have bought it because he nodded in agreement. “Okay. Just keep your phone on please, and buzz me if you need me for anything, alright?”

  Roxie nodded energetically, eager to get away now that he’d finally agreed to what she needed the most. “I’ll only be a couple of hours, maybe. If I’m going to be longer, I’ll let you know.”