All That We Are

by Melissa Toppen

  I fight back the onset of tears that build behind my eyes and try to refocus, but once my sights are set on him, it’s like I can’t look away.

  His hair is combed back away from his face, and he’s wearing a dark suit with a purple tie – something Stella coordinated to match my purple, empire dress. He also has a white flower pinned to his chest while I have a small boutique of the same flowers tied together in my hand.

  Nervous butterflies flap wildly in the pit of my stomach, and I have the sudden urge to turn and take off running in the opposite direction.

  A few words are exchanged between Stella and her mom, but I’m too fixated on the man on the other side of the glass to listen to them.

  Miles rocks back and forth on his heels, glancing around the room like he’s waiting for something. For a split, second I allow myself to believe it’s me he’s waiting for, but I quickly push the thought away.

  If Miles had any interest in working things out, he would have done so already. If he wanted to see me, he could have walked down the street rather than wait weeks until my brother’s wedding.

  No, he’s here for Winston and so am I. I just need to get through the next couple of hours, then I can go back to pretending Miles Hollins doesn’t exist.

  “Harlow.” I glance up to see Stella watching me with a funny look on her face. “You have to go.” Her gaze slides to the door and only then do I realize that her father is there, holding the door open for me so that he can come in and accompany his daughter down the aisle.

  I hesitate, not really sure how to make my feet move. I take a deep breath in to try to calm the sudden wave of nausea that washes through me.

  You can do this, Harlow.

  Just put one foot in front of the other.

  I manage to take one step and then another, my entire body shaking by the time I reach the doorway. I keep my gaze turned downward as I step out onto the deck, trying to focus on the soft music playing in the background and not on the sound of my heart thudding violently against my ribcage.

  Taking another deep breath, I raise my head up my line of sight going straight to my father who’s sitting in the front row with a warm smile on his face. I smile back, feeling a tiny portion of the weight lift.

  I then look toward Winston, purposely avoiding looking in Miles’ direction. If I pretend he’s not here then maybe, eventually, it will feel like he isn’t.

  And while I know that forgetting that Miles is here is never going to happen, that doesn’t stop me from trying to convince myself of it just the same.

  Winston meets my gaze as I reach the end of the makeshift aisle. He gives me an excited smile as I take my place to the left of where Stella will stand.

  I pivot, facing the direction I just came from as the wedding march sounds through the restaurant’s speaker system. I flip my eyes to the door as it swings open and Stella steps out, arm in arm with her father.

  Tears instantly prick the back of my eyes, and even though every fiber of my being is telling me not to, I chance a look in Miles’ direction.

  The moment I do, the entire world shifts beneath my feet.

  Chapter Thirty

  Miles

  She’s so fucking beautiful it hurts to look at her. I’ve spent weeks waiting for this moment. Every single thing I’ve done has been leading up to this, and damn if it hasn’t been worth every second now that she’s here, standing in front of me. Reminding me of exactly what I’ve been fighting for.

  She avoids my gaze as she makes her way down the aisle. I can tell that she’s purposely looking anywhere but at me, but that doesn’t stop me from looking at her.

  She looks stunning in her knee-length purple dress and silver heels. She has her hair pulled back away from her face, and long silver earrings hang low from each ear.

  I memorize every detail.

  The pale pink of her lips. The way the sun heightens the red hue in her strawberry blonde hair. How her slender fingers grip the flowers in her hand so tightly, it’s like they are the only thing keeping her feet on the ground.

  She takes her place next to where Stella will be and turns back toward the door, but even as the bride starts to come down the aisle, there’s only one woman I care enough to look at.

  And then her eyes sweep to me. The instant our gazes lock I swear I feel my knees physically shake beneath me.

  There’s so much behind those brilliant green eyes of hers. Pain. Uncertainty. Doubt. Anger. Things I never used to see when I looked at her. It damn near guts me knowing I put that there.

  When Stella and her father reach the end of the aisle, I have no choice but to turn my focus to the bride, but that certainly doesn’t stop me from glancing Harlow’s way countless times throughout the short ten-minute ceremony.

  I can’t get enough of her. It’s like I’ve been walking around blind and all of a sudden I can see again. Everything looks brighter, more vibrant and colorful, more beautiful.

  The ceremony flies by in a blur. It feels like one minute Stella’s father is giving her away and the next the minister is introducing the new Mr. and Mrs. Cabell.

  As soon as the announcement is made, everyone immediately erupts in a cloud of applause, standing as Winston and Stella make their way back up the aisle hand in hand.

  I quickly move to stand next to Harlow just as she starts to follow them out. She glances up at me and then to the arm I extend to her. I watch about twenty different emotions dance across her face before she finally links her arm with mine and allows me to lead her across the deck and back into the restaurant.

  ——

  It’s been two hours since Stella and Winston exchanged their vows. Two hours of family, friends, good food, and lots of laughter. Two hours that I’ve sat here wishing I could sit next to Harlow. That I could hold her hand. That I could be the reason for the smile on her face.

  I was hopeful when she allowed me to escort her back into the restaurant that maybe we’d have a brief moment to talk, but she was swept away moments after we stepped inside and I haven’t had the chance since.

  It’s been torture – being this close to her and yet feeling the limitless distance that stretches between us.

  I watch from my seat as she crosses the deck and slides onto a stool at the outdoor bar. My eyes travel down to where her dress opens up, revealing nearly her entire back. I remember what it feels like to run my hands down that back, how her skin would always prickle under my touch.

  “Are you just going to sit there all night staring at her or are you going to talk to her?” Stella plops down in the chair next to me, taking a gulp out of her champagne flute before setting it on the table.

  “I’m not staring.” I shake my head, lifting the beer bottle to my lips.

  “Yeah, and I’m not wearing white.” She snorts.

  “Don’t you have a new husband you can aggravate?” I smirk at her.

  “Why yes, I do. But aggravating you is so much more fun.”

  “And why is that?” I cock a brow.

  “So what? You’re just going to sit here all day pining over her but never actually make your move?” She leans back in her seat, completely ignoring my question.

  “I’m waiting for the right time,” I tell her pointedly.

  “Well I hate to tell you this, Miles, but there isn’t going to be a right time. You’re just going to have to suck it up and do it.”

  “Is that so?” I smirk.

  “It is. And I’m married now, so that means I know things.” She giggles.

  “Pretty sure that’s not how it works.” I shake my head at her.

  “How would you know? Have you ever been married?” She curls her nose at me, clearly feeling the effects of the champagne she’s been throwing back for the last two hours. “Oh wait, you haven’t,” she answers her own question.

  “Are you about finished?”

  “Nope. I’m going to sit here and bother you until you get your ass up and go talk to the woman you’re clearly still in love with.”r />
  “That obvious, huh?” I finish off the remainder of my beer.

  “Painfully.” She laughs.

  “Well, in that case.” I push to a stand, taking my empty beer bottle with me. “If you’ll excuse me.”

  “Go get her,” she says moments after I start to walk away.

  Shaking my head, I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly as I approach the bar. Sliding up next to Harlow, I set my empty beer bottle on the counter before signaling the bartender for another.

  “I haven’t had the chance to tell you how beautiful you look tonight,” I say, keeping my eyes forward.

  She tenses next to me, but to my surprise, she doesn’t make any attempt to leave.

  “Thank you,” she responds as the bartender slides a fresh beer across the bar to me. “You look very nice as well.”

  “It’s been a long time since I’ve worn a suit. I kind of feel foolish,” I admit, taking a long pull of my beer as I turn in her direction.

  “Well you don’t look foolish,” she says, hesitating for a long moment before her gaze finally slides to mine.

  “I’ve missed you.” I hadn’t meant to admit that to her. It’s true, but not how I was intending on starting this conversation.

  “Me too.” She gives me a sad smile. “Well, I should probably get back to my family.” She slides off her stool and quickly turns.

  “Harlow, wait.” I wrap my hand around her bicep to keep her from walking away.

  “I can’t do this right now, Miles,” she says, her face still turned away from me.

  “Can we go somewhere and talk?” I ask, releasing her arm as I step directly in front of her, giving her no choice but to look at me.

  “I shouldn’t,” she starts, but I immediately cut her off.

  “Please, Harlow. Just give me five minutes.”

  “Miles, I...”

  “Five minutes, Low. After I’m done, if you never want to speak to me again, I promise you’ll never have to .”

  She holds my gaze for what feels like a full minute before she finally nods.

  I take her hand, feeling her tense at the contact, before pulling her to the opposite side of the deck. I lead her through a wooden gate and down the small staircase that leads down to the ground level.

  “Where are we going?” Harlow asks when I pull her in the opposite direction of the parking lot.

  “You’ll see.” I smile, leading her down toward the water.

  Within minutes we reach the concrete pathway that lines the river and eventually circles up to the bridge.

  “I didn’t know there was a path down here,” she says, looking out over the water.

  “They’ve redone a lot of this in the last few years.” I nod my head, gesturing for us to keep walking.

  “It’s really nice.” She pauses, letting out a slow breath. “So what did you want to talk about? I really don’t want to be gone long.”

  “We’re almost there,” I tell her, veering left off the path and up a small hill to where there’s a massive rock sitting at the top.

  “You brought me to a rock?” She looks at me like I have five heads.

  “It’s not just any rock.” I laugh, taking her by the shoulders and turning her back toward the water. The sun has begun to set, casting an orange glow across the sky which makes for an incredible view over the river.

  “Wow. The river looks beautiful from here.” She lets out a slow exhale.

  “Me and Winston used to come up here and get high,” I tell her, laughing when she turns, wide eyes in my direction.

  “You didn’t?”

  “Oh, we did.” I chuckle. “But over the last few years, it’s become more of a quiet escape for me. A place I like to come when I feel like I need to get away.” I hold out my hand to her. “Come here.” I wait until she takes my hand before helping her up onto the rock. Once she’s settled, I hop up next to her, my heart feeling like it might beat out of my chest at any moment.

  We sit in silence for a long moment. I open my mouth to say something a hundred times but I can’t seem to find the right words to start with. I guess there’s no easy way to ease into a conversation that has the magnitude to be life-changing.

  Depending on how this goes, I could walk away from here today with the woman I love, or I could truly lose her forever. I guess there’s only one real way to find out where my future lies.

  Chapter Thirty-one

  Harlow

  “When I first stepped off the plane in Iraq, it felt like I’d entered a different world,” Miles begins, his eyes locked on the river that stretches out before us. “It was like the person I was before no longer existed and I was forced to become something else. To be someone else. Most of the time I didn’t even recognize myself. Other times I didn’t want to.” He pauses, letting out a slow breath. “I told you a little bit about my friends that were killed. What I didn’t tell you was how it happened.”

  “Miles.” I hold up my hand to stop him, sensing how hard this is for him.

  “No.” He shakes his head. “Just let me get this out. I was too afraid to tell you the truth before, but you deserve to hear it now.”

  “Okay.” My voice quiet.

  “We were searching a building. My team was to go in first. Make sure the field was clear, floor by floor. Something we had done countless times before. When we reached the second floor, there was a boy, maybe early teens. He caught one look at us and took off running. I sensed that something was off, but we had our orders and I made the call to keep going. It wasn’t uncommon for us to encounter regular civilians.” He takes a long pause. “We were ambushed minutes later. They came at us from all sides. We got separated in the chaos. Me and Tripp were pinned down on the third floor, and we’d lost contact with the rest of our group. Then the whole building exploded. It blew out the entire side of the building where Tripp and I were huddled. I got hit with debris and blown back a few feet. Tripp, uh, he took the full force of the blow. There was nothing I could do for him.”

  My heart thuds violently in my chest as Miles goes on. As hard as it is to hear, I hold onto every single word he says.

  “It’s all kind of a blur after that. I couldn’t hear anything. There was dust and rock everywhere. And then I saw him. The boy. The one who had spotted us. I didn’t think. I just lifted my gun and pulled the trigger.” The words catch in his throat and he takes a couple deep inhales to calm himself. “Seconds later, a man and a woman came around the corner with two much smaller children, clearly trying to escape the war zone they had found themselves in. I still had my gun raised and my finger on the trigger. I was prepared to kill them all if I had to. But then the woman looked down at the boy I’d shot, and I knew instantly that he wasn’t to blame for what happened. He didn’t run away to tell the enemy we were here. He ran away to warn his family, and I killed him for it.” His shoulders shake as a sob runs through him.

  “Miles, you couldn’t have known.” I try my best to soothe him, but there are no words that can possibly help what I’m sure he’s feeling right now.

  “I should have known.” He looks at me, tears welling in his eyes. “I should have known.”

  “You did what you thought you had to do to protect yourself.”

  “Did I?” he questions like he’s really not sure. “I’ve asked myself that very same thing millions of times over the last eight years. What could I have done differently?” He pauses for a brief moment. “I watched that mother mourn over her dead son. I stood there with my gun pointed at them and saw first-hand what I had done.” He blows out a breath. “I think I was in a state of shock by the time the boy’s father thought to act. I pulled the trigger as he approached, but I was out of ammunition without any time to reload. He knocked me back to the ground. Before I had even processed what was happening, he was on top of me with his hands around my throat.”

  My fingers instinctively slide across my neck, remembering how it felt when Miles’ fingers had bit into my skin that night.


  “All I remember thinking was there was no way I was going to die there. I somehow managed to get the upper hand. The next thing I knew I was on top of him. I remember choking him so hard. I was prepared to kill him and for doing nothing more than trying to escape. The woman was screaming. I couldn’t understand what she was saying, but it was enough to get my attention. That’s when I realized the two children were still standing there. They were over the body of their dead brother, watching their dad die too. Even then I couldn’t bring myself to stop. Tripp was dead. I had no idea where any of my other brothers were, and as far as I knew, I was going to die in that building. Being that certain of death does something to a person.”

  “Did you kill him?” I ask when he stops talking and turns his gaze back out to the water.

  “Another team arrived, otherwise I would have. I don’t know what happened to him. I was ushered out so quickly I don’t know what happened to any of them. I thought when I got home things would get better, but honestly, it was harder being here most days than it was being there. At least there I didn’t have to face the monster I’d become. But here, being home – around my family and friends – having to live with what I’d done. The innocent boy I had killed. I couldn’t even bare to look at myself in the mirror most days. I’ve dreamt of that man and his son nearly every night for the last eight years. That is until you.”

  He reaches over and takes my hand.

  “You quieted the demons. You gave me a sense of peace I didn’t think I would ever find. And I thought that was enough. But then I woke up... And my hands,” he chokes on his words. “They were around your neck.”

  “Miles.” I slide from the rock and reach for his hands, pulling him down with me. “Look at me. I’m fine.”

  “I almost killed you too.” Tears brim his eyes, and it takes everything I have not to resolve into a puddle on the ground.

  “But you didn’t kill me. And what you did to that boy...I can see why that haunts you. But Miles, you have to find a way to forgive yourself. You aren’t that person. You have to know that.”