All That We Are

by Melissa Toppen

  “But I don’t know that. Or at least I didn’t for a very long time. After that night at your apartment, I panicked. I was so afraid of hurting you again that I pushed you away which only hurt you more. I never wanted that. It killed me to let you go, Harlow. It gutted me.” He cups one side of my face in his hand. “People have been telling me for years to get help, but I never listened. I let the pain and guilt fester until it was eating me from the inside out. It wasn’t until my demons were passed to you that I realized they were right. The next day all I wanted to do was run to you and beg for your forgiveness, but I knew if I did, and you took me back, it was only a matter of time before we ended up right back there again and I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t come to you until I was sure.”

  “Sure of what?”

  “That I wouldn’t hurt you again.”

  He slides his hand down the side of my neck and onto my shoulder before letting it fall away.

  “I started seeing a therapist twice a week and joined a local veterans’ support group. It’s amazing how hearing stories like your own, seeing what other people have gone through and overcome, will do for a person. I’ve been sleeping at night and just generally feel better. Relieved even. Because instead of holding it in and obsessing over it, I’m finally letting it go. I’m freeing myself of something I’ve carried with me for far too long. I’m not miraculously healed, but I feel stronger every day. It won’t happen overnight, but eventually, maybe I’ll even find the strength to forgive myself.”

  “You will,” I tell him, taking his hands in mine. “Because despite what you think, despite what you see, I see the real you and I wouldn’t change one single thing about the incredible person you are.”

  “You’ve always managed to see past the darkness. Even when it was right in your face, all you saw was the light. I think that’s one of the reasons I fell in love with you so hard and so fast. Because you made me see it too. I never meant for things to happen the way they did, and I can’t change that I hurt you, but what I can do is promise that I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you if you’ll let me.”

  “What are you saying?” I ask, fearful to allow myself to be hopeful.

  “I’m saying I’m sorry. I’m saying I promise to continue to get the help I need. I’m saying I swear I will never hurt you again. I’m saying that I’m so deeply in love with you that the thought of living without you makes it hard to breathe.”

  I blink back the tears that are building behind my eyes, feeling overwhelmed with a million different emotions all at once. A part of me is ready to throw caution to the wind and jump right back in. The other part of me is terrified even to consider it.

  Miles didn’t just hurt me. He completely leveled my entire world in a single blow. I’d be crazy not to be a little hesitant at least.

  “I miss you, Harlow. I miss your smile and your laugh. I miss the way you make me feel. I miss how my heart nearly pounds out of my chest every time you walk into a room or how with one look you can bring me right to my knees. You are my light at the end of the tunnel, Harlow. You didn’t just save my life. You are my life. Tell me I can still fix this. Tell me it’s not too late.” He takes my face in his hands and lowers his forehead to mine.

  “It’s not too late,” I whisper, knowing there’s no sense in fighting it.

  Miles pulls back, and despite the tears swimming in his eyes, he’s wearing the widest smile I think I’ve ever seen.

  “I love you, Miles. It wouldn’t matter if it was seven weeks ago or a year from now, all you had to do was say the words.”

  “I promise never to hurt you again.”

  “Don’t make that promise because you will hurt me again. And I will hurt you. It’s part of being in a relationship. Instead, promise me that you’ll always stand and fight by my side, no matter how tough things get. And that you’ll always share with me how you’re feeling. That you won’t ever shut me out again. That’s all I really want.”

  “I swear it,” he says, leaning in to press his lips to mine.

  The instant the contact is made my entire body flutters to life. It feels like I’ve been holding my breath for nearly two months and suddenly I can breathe again.

  I drink him in, revel in his taste and his smell, wondering how I was able to go so long without feeling the way I feel in this moment. The way only Miles can make me feel.

  I knew when this all started it wouldn’t be easy, but then again most good things never are. It’s the things you have to fight for that mean the most. And I will fight for Miles until my last breath, even on the days he won’t fight for himself.

  “I love you.” I feel his breath against my lips.

  “I love you too,” is my only response and it’s the one I mean the most.

  Epilogue

  Miles

  One year later

  “What the hell are you doing here?” Delia storms into the back office with her hands flailing wildly in the air.

  “I have a couple of things I needed to do really fast,” I retort.

  “Do you have any idea what time it is?”

  “Would you relax? I’ve got plenty of time.” I shake my head at her.

  “I swear to god if you’re late to your own wedding, Harlow will never forgive me. She left me in charge of you.”

  “Did she now?” I chuckle, pushing to my feet. “Well, that was her first mistake.”

  “No, her first mistake was agreeing to marry your ass,” she tells me, hands firmly on her hips.

  “But thank god she did.” I smile.

  “Well, she might have a change of heart when you don’t show up for the ceremony.”

  “Would you relax? I’m leaving now, okay?” I grab the paper in front of me and quickly slide it into a large white envelope. “I just had a few things to finalize for Harlow’s present.”

  “Well for marrying your ass it better be something good,” she quips.

  “Think a house will do?” I ask, watching her eyes go wide.

  “You bought her a house?” She gapes at me.

  “Not just any house. I bought the house that her mom and dad lived in when she and Winston were kids. A two-story farm house right outside of town. The perfect place to raise a family.”

  “Who are you and what have you done with Miles?” She looks around like maybe the real me is hiding in a corner somewhere.

  “What can I say? When you meet the one, everything changes.”

  “Clearly.” She snorts. “But if I come in one day and the beard is gone, I’m going to have you admitted for testing because then I’ll know you’re under some weird sort of mind control.” She laughs.

  “Harlow loves my beard.” I run my hand down the front of it. “Meaning, it’s not going anywhere.”

  “Well thank god for that. The last thing I want to do is have to stare at that face of yours all day. At least the hair kind of masks the ugly,” she jokes, sticking her tongue out at me.

  “Are you just about finished? I’ve got a wedding to get to.”

  “Well then let’s go already.” She throws her hands up.

  “If we’re late, I’m telling Harlow it was your fault.” I playfully shove her shoulder on the way toward the back door.

  ——

  “Man, I never imagined that when I stood up as your best man, it would be my sister you’re marrying,” Winston whispers over my shoulder as I anxiously wait for the doors at the back of the room to swing open.

  “I never imagined you being my best man,” I counter, throwing him a sideways glance. “Because I never thought I’d get married.”

  “Yeah, that’s true too.” He grins, his gaze going to the back of the room.

  I follow his line of sight, sucking in a hard breath when I look up and see Harlow standing in the doorway, her arm linked with her father’s.

  Her gaze instantly comes to me and a wide smile spreads across her face. It’s enough to damn near bring me to my knees.

  The last year h
asn’t been the easiest for us. We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs, but we’ve always come out on the other side better for it. She is my rock. The one constant that never falters no matter what happens.

  I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life to make her my wife and today I finally get to.

  ——

  “What’s going on inside that pretty little head of yours?” I reach over the center console of the car and take Harlow’s hand, squeezing it.

  “I’m just trying to figure out why you’re driving south when we’re supposed to be going north.” She eyes me skeptically. “Last time I checked, Michigan is that way.” She points behind us.

  “We’ve got the cabin for the next two weeks. It can wait another hour,” I tell her, lifting her hand to my lips and laying a light kiss to her knuckles.

  “What are you up to, Mr. Hollins?”

  “You’re about to find out, Mrs. Hollins.” I wink, turning left down yet another winding back road.

  It’s already nearing midnight, and while I’m more than a little eager to get our honeymoon started, there was one thing I knew I had to do first.

  I slow slightly, still not familiar enough with the road to know exactly where the driveway is. Harlow sits up straighter in her seat and starts looking around, clearly trying to place where we are.

  Once I catch sight of the old rusted red mailbox, I whip the car into the driveway, the front end bouncing when we hit a dip in the gravel.

  It isn’t until the headlights illuminate the house when we reach the end of the driveway that I hear Harlow take a sharp inhale. She has the door open and is climbing from the car before I’ve even put it in park.

  Quickly killing the engine, I climb out after her, joining her at the front of the car.

  “This was my house,” she says, her eyes pinned on the old farmhouse with chipped white paint and a sunken in front porch.

  “It’s your house again,” I tell her, feeling her eyes on the side of my face.

  “What?” she blurts.

  I turn, smiling when I catch her shocked expression.

  “I bought it for you. Well, for us. It needs a lot of work, but I thought we could fix it up together. Make it a home we can raise a family in.”

  “I don’t know what to say.” She looks from me to the house and then back to me.

  “Do you like it?” I ask, suddenly feeling a bit uncertain.

  “Miles, you bought my childhood home. Every memory I have of my mother is in this house. I don’t just like it...” Her eyes well with tears. “I can’t believe you did this.” She shakes her head, her hand coming up to cover her mouth.

  “You have made me the happiest man on this earth, Low. I can’t match that, but I sure as hell can try.” I step directly in front of her, bending down so that we’re standing eye level. “Welcome home, Mrs. Hollins.”

  Harlow squeals and throws her arms around my neck. “I love you. I love you. I love you,” she chants, bouncing in my arms.

  “And I love you,” I tell her, pulling back to press my lips to hers.

  The road we take isn’t always the smoothest, but it’s the bumps along the way that show us what really matters in this life.

  Harlow is my perfect match. In finding her, I found myself.

  She taught me it’s okay to be imperfect.

  It’s okay to be hurt and angry.

  That obsessing over a past I can’t change only limits the future I can.

  We are so much more than the sum of our mistakes.

  And that one thing, that one moment – no matter how terrible or tragic – does not define all that we are.

  I may not have deserved my happy ending, but I got it anyway. And there isn’t a day that will go by where I won’t look at Harlow and know...

  This is the girl who not only saved my life but gave me a life worth living.

  The End

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  FORCE OF NATURE

  FORCE OF NATURE

  Chapter One

  It’s just as I remember it; the call of the rooster stirring me from sleep, the smell of bacon in the air, the busy chatter coming from the kitchen. It’s as if I never left and yet at the same time feels like I’ve been gone forever.

  Four years.

  That’s how long it’s been.

  Four years. The day I left still so vivid in my mind. From driving away, watching my parents’ ranch disappear from view, the incredible freedom I felt in that moment. I felt unstoppable. On a high I was sure I’d never come down from. Leaving behind the girl who always felt out of place and chasing down the woman I knew I was meant to be.

  For as long as I can remember all I wanted was to be an actress. I’d spent the better part of my childhood fantasizing about the day I would leave this ranch behind to chase my dreams. The bright lights of Hollywood calling to me from my little corner of the world.

  Back then I felt like there was nothing I couldn’t accomplish. That was until reality decided to smack me square in the face and knock me down a few flights of stairs for good measure.

  Even after everything, after all the rejection and disappointment, the dead end jobs as I tried to make ends meet, the constant stress and worry, I still wasn’t ready to walk away from it.

  So how did I find myself back here? Simple. I had nowhere else to go.

  After four years I had finally exhausted all of my options and drained every single penny I had to my name. It was either come back home to gather my bearings and figure out my next move or stay in Los Angeles and live out of my car. It’s easy to guess which option I chose.

  I stare up at the ceiling of my childhood bedroom, mentally preparing myself for how my family will react when I walk downstairs. I got off easy by sneaking in after everyone but my dad had turned in for the night. He’s always the last one in bed and the first one up.

  When I walked through the door completely unannounced, I wasn’t sure how it would play out. Would he be disappointed or excited to see me home? Had he known I would fail all along and has been waiting for this day to come? Would I get the famous ‘I told you so’ speech that Henry Roth has given to me more times than I can count over the course of my twenty-two years on this earth?

  I ran through it over and over again on the sixteen hour drive home, all the while praying my little Civic would make the trip unscathed. She’s been banging and clanging for some time now and with nearly two hundred and fifty thousand miles under her belt, I know our days together are numbered.

  And yet for every scenario I ran through my head, my father’s reaction was one I didn’t see coming. He smiled at me like I was the most precious thing he’d ever seen, then embraced me the way only a father can. There was no lecture, no questions, no I told you so. It was a father happy to see his daughter. And in that moment I felt a peace I hadn’t felt in the last four years since I left home.

  Rolling to the side, I drop my legs over the edge of the bed and push up into a sitting position, stretching my arms high above my head before standing.

  As much as I would love to hide out in here all day, I’m too anxious to see my brothers. Out of six children, I’m the only girl of Henry and Charlotte Roth. I’m also the only one that has ever dared to leave the ranch.

  The babies of the family, Josh and Seth are only fifteen and are still in school, living in the main house with Mom and Dad.

  Ben, who’s nineteen, lives in the cabin my dad and grandpa built that resides pretty far into the woods.

  Chris, who’s twenty-four, lives in the apartment above the garage. And Brad, the oldest at twenty-seven, lives in a small ranch that my grandparents used to own a few acres f
rom the main house with his wife, Miranda, and their one year old son, Devon.

  Grabbing my duffel, I quietly slip from my room and make my way down the hall to the only bathroom on the second floor. I make quick work of brushing my teeth and washing my face before slipping on a pair of jeans and a long sleeve fitted navy blue shirt.

  Throwing my long hair into a loose side braid, I quickly apply a light layer of mascara and berry flavored Chap Stick before making my way back to my room. Dropping my bag right inside the door, I pad down the staircase to the open foyer, the sound of my family in the kitchen growing louder with each step I take.

  My parents’ house is the stereotypical farm house and the exact opposite of open concept. Each room is a defined space, walled off from every other room.

  Passing through the living room, I stop right inside the doorway of the large eat in kitchen. No one notices me right away and I take the opportunity to watch my family.

  My mom is at the stove, her back to me. My dad has his nose in a newspaper, a cup of coffee in his hand, and a half eaten plate of pancakes and eggs in front of him.

  I smile as I watch Josh and Seth argue over the last piece of bacon while my mother reassures them that more is coming as she flips the meat in the pan.

  Darting my gaze to the left, I freeze when an unfamiliar pair of eyes meets mine. Heat instantly prickles my skin as I take in the attractive stranger. Light brown hair shaved along the sides, but longer on top. Some of the longer pieces fall across his forehead. A firm jaw covered in two day old scruff and eyes so light blue I’d almost swear they were contacts.

  He’s wearing a plain white t-shirt with holes in the sleeve. A faded blue baseball cap rests on the table next to him. And while I know nothing about him, a blaring alarm instantly sounds in my head. There’s something rough about him. Something dark behind those brilliant blue eyes. And yet I’m completely transfixed, rooted to the very spot in which I stand.