All That We Are

by Melissa Toppen

  “Mom?” I turn to my mother who’s sitting at the opposite end of the table from my father.

  “I wish I could, honey, but my back makes it hard for me to ride for long periods of time.” She gives me a sad smile. “I doubt I’d make it to the tractor barn before having to turn around.”

  I had completely forgotten about her back issues. It’s not something she really talks about. She was thrown from her horse a few years ago and suffered a fractured vertebra as a result. I didn’t know she wasn’t able to ride anymore. I have to remind myself that while it feels like I’ve only been gone a few weeks, I’ve actually missed more than I think I even realize.

  “I’ll go with you.” My entire body stiffens as my gaze darts to Thad.

  “There you go,” my mother chimes in happily.

  “That’s okay. You don’t have to,” I object, having a hard time picturing a man like Thad on a horse.

  He’s all hard lines and rough edges, reminding me more of someone that would be seen cruising on a motorcycle rather than riding a thousand pound animal.

  “I want to,” he insists. “It’s been a few days since I’ve taken Sheldon out.”

  “Sheldon?” I question.

  “He’s an Appaloosa we bought last fall,” my father interjects. “Thad’s been the one primarily caring for him.”

  I don’t know why but this news surprises me. Riding a horse is one thing but caring for one is something else entirely. It’s a bond – a connection – something I can’t see a man like Thad being open to. Then again, I don’t really know anything about him so I guess it’s unfair of me to judge him so quickly.

  “Okay then,” I agree, knowing there’s no way to refuse without drawing questions from my parents.

  And even though the thought of getting to spend actual time with Thad sounds more than a little appealing, it also scares the shit out of me and I have no real clue why.

  “I’m going to head up and change. I’ll meet you at the barn in twenty?” I question, scooting my chair backward.

  “Sounds good.” He offers me a stiff nod.

  “May I be excused?” I make sure to ask my father before standing. Even though I’m a grown woman, I am still expected to abide by the house rules and asking to be excused from the dinner table is one of them.

  “Of course,” my mother answers.

  I gather my plate and glass as I stand, depositing them into the sink.

  “You sure you don’t want me to stay and help with the dishes?” I ask, turning back to her.

  “You helped cook. The twins can help with the dishes,” she says, both boys groaning in response.

  “Should have come riding with me,” I playfully torment.

  “No take backs now,” my mother interjects before either of them can voice a change of mind.

  I laugh, remembering how many times as a teenager my mom did the same thing to me.

  “Have a good ride, honey,” she calls after me as I head out of the kitchen.

  After taking the stairs two at a time, I rush to my room. The moment my bedroom door shuts behind me, I press my back against it and let out a shaky breath. I don’t know why but suddenly I’m a million times more nervous about riding with Thad than I was two minutes ago.

  “Pull yourself together,” I tell myself, shaking off some of my nerves. “He’s just a guy,” I mutter under my breath as I head toward the closet, snagging one of my old Swindell High School Cheer hoodies off the hanger before sliding it over my head.

  “A very hot guy,” I mutter when I stop in front of the mirror on the back of the closet door and take in my appearance.

  My hair is still in the same braid as this morning, but has fallen loose with little pieces hanging out everywhere. The little makeup I applied this morning is still in place, but in some serious need of touch ups. I consider throwing on another layer of mascara but quickly decide against it. I don’t want to give Thad the wrong impression...like I actually care what he thinks.

  Of course I care what he thinks, but he certainly does not need to know that.

  Pulling my sweatshirt down over my hips, I close the closet door and quickly exit my room.

  Chapter Three

  “Good girl.” I run my hand down Cocoa’s mane as I finish attaching her saddle.

  Cocoa is a quarter horse my father bought me when I was twelve. I named her Cocoa for her warm brown coat and the white patch that extends down her snout. She always reminded me of hot chocolate with a swirl of whipped cream on top.

  “You about ready?” I jump slightly when I hear Thad, having not realized he had approached.

  Glancing behind me, an instant buzz of excitement runs through my body when I catch sight of him at the mouth of the barn. He’s standing next to a brilliant brown horse with white spots speckled over its entire body.

  “Yep. She’s all ready.” I give Cocoa another long stroke before leading her from the barn, trying my best to seem unaffected as I pass Thad and Sheldon.

  By the time I mount Cocoa, Thad is already sitting on top of Sheldon, his gaze locked on me as he pulls his horse up to a stop alongside mine.

  “So, where to?” He pulls his faded baseball cap low on his forehead before he tugs the hood of his sweatshirt up over top of it.

  The evening air is chillier than I had anticipated and I wish I had thought to bring a hat or maybe even a scarf. Without either, I mirror Thad and pull the hood of my sweatshirt up over my head.

  “The creek. Have you been out there before?” I ask, urging Cocoa forward.

  “A few times,” Thad says, guiding Sheldon with ease.

  “Well then, do me a favor.”

  “What’s that?” he questions, a small grin playing on his lips.

  “Try to keep up.” I give him a wide smile seconds before Cocoa and I take off through the open field behind the barn.

  Thad says something but his words are lost to the wind as it rushes past my ears.

  We ride for several minutes, Thad and his horse holding steady right behind me. I keep my gaze forward and my focus on the feeling of being back on my horse. It’s been so long, too long. I almost forgot how incredible this feels.

  I slow Cocoa’s pace as we reach the edge of the woods, turning right in time to see Thad pull up next to me.

  “You do pretty good on him.” I’m impressed by how much control he has over Sheldon.

  “I think he does pretty good with me.” He smiles, causing a flurry of flutters deep in my belly.

  “Have you been riding long?” I ask, guiding Cocoa forward. Thad and Sheldon continue to move in unison with us.

  “Not really. I rode a couple times as a kid but when Henry asked me to start working with Sheldon it had been years since I’d been on a horse. I picked it up pretty quickly. Plus, he takes it pretty easy on me.” He pats the side of Sheldon’s neck.

  “I can see that.”

  “I would ask you the same, but I’m pretty sure you’ve been riding since you were old enough to walk.” He throws me a sideways glance before turning his gaze forward.

  “You’re not wrong there,” I admit. “Though Cocoa is the only horse I really enjoy riding. We have an understanding. I guess you could say she takes it easy on me.” I smile, repeating the same thing he said about his horse. “Thanks for coming out with me. My dad has always been weird about letting me wander the property alone. I think he forgets I’m not a little girl anymore.”

  “That you certainly are not.” The way he says it makes my skin prickle beneath my clothing and I find myself turning to meet his gaze without meaning to.

  An electricity pings between us the minute our eyes lock. A magnetic pull locking us onto the other. I don’t know how long the connection lasts or what actually breaks it for that matter, only that one minute I can’t look away and the next I’m shaking my head and clearing my throat like I’m not really sure what the heck happened.

  “Have you liked working on the ranch?” I blurt the first thing I can think of.
<
br />   “It’s not something I thought I’d enjoy. I’ve never been much for this type of lifestyle. But surprisingly it’s been really good for me. Getting out of the city was exactly what I needed.”

  “What city?” I ask, realizing I don’t know where he lived before now. Hell, the only thing I know about him is that he lived here in Swindell for a short time as a kid.

  “Salt Lake City.”

  “Oh, that’s right. I think my dad mentioned that’s where you’re family relocated to. So what brought you back here?”

  “Your family didn’t tell you?” He quirks a brow, clearly surprised by this news.

  “Well, my dad did say you were in need of a job. That was about the extent of our conversation.”

  “That pretty much covers it.” He brushes the topic off, but I can tell there’s more he was considering telling me. “So what about you? Decide you needed a break from the bright lights of the big city?”

  “Pretty much covers it.” I give him the same vague answer he gave me.

  “Makes sense.”

  “What does?”

  “Why someone like you would run away the first chance you got.”

  “I didn’t run away. I left,” I correct him. “And what do you mean someone like me?”

  “I meant no insult,” he quickly clarifies. “I just mean, you don’t really seem to fit here.”

  “How so?” I question.

  “You seem very...” he pauses. “How do I put this? You’re much more polished than I expected.”

  “Polished?” I question.

  “Put together. Prim and proper. However you would phrase it.”

  “I’m not sure if I should say thank you or be offended,” I answer truthfully.

  “It’s not anything to be offended by. I just pictured something different when I thought about you is all.”

  “You thought about me?” I question without meaning to.

  “Well, we did know each other as kids. And your brothers talk about you constantly. I guess I had a vision in my head of who you’d be and you’re nothing like that person.”

  “God, if you were listening to my brothers then lord only knows what you were picturing.” I cringe thinking about what they may or may not have told him.

  “Actually, every single one of them described you the same way. Sweet. Driven. Down to Earth. I had a vision of this innocent country girl in my head.”

  “I am an innocent country girl.”

  “Yeah, and I’m a good ole country boy,” he says sarcastically.

  He’s about the exact opposite of every ranch worker I’ve ever known. There isn’t a country thing about him. Well, not really.

  “Then how would you describe me?” I ask, not sure why I care what he thinks.

  Then again, I know deep down that’s a lie. I do care what he thinks. Probably a hell of a lot more than I should. I’ve been around this man for less than a day and he’s already got me. There’s just something about him. Something I can’t quite put my finger on.

  Not that I’m foolish enough to believe the attraction I feel toward him is something I could ever actually act on. For starters, my father would likely not approve. I may not know the full story about how Thad landed here, but I’d say it was more than just him needing a job. And two, I’m only back for a few weeks. Enough time to reset, reboot, and figure out my next plan of attack. I’m not giving up on my dream. If anything I’m more determined than ever. Now is not the time to get myself mixed up with anyone, let alone someone who works for my father.

  “Honestly?” Thad questions, pulling me back to the conversation.

  “No, lie to me,” I dead pan.

  “You’re quite the handful, aren’t you?” He smirks.

  “Wouldn’t you like to know?” I smart back, not able to stop myself.

  “Definitely not what I expected,” he reiterates his earlier comment. “Come on, we better pick up the pace if you want to make it to the creek and back before dark,” he says, avoiding my question as he pulls slightly ahead of me.

  “Why did you really come to the ranch?” I ask, deciding I’d rather know more about him than about his opinion of me.

  “You already know why.”

  “Right. To work,” I say, disbelieving. “They don’t have jobs in Salt Lake City?”

  “I needed a job outside of the city. I needed to get away. I think you of all people should be able to understand the need to escape.” He looks back over his shoulder for a moment.

  “I left because what I wanted to do can’t be done from Swindell, Wyoming.”

  “And I left because what I wanted for myself couldn’t be accomplished in Salt Lake City, Utah,” he counters.

  “Fair enough.” I decide not to push the subject further as it’s clearly something he doesn’t want to talk about.

  “Tell me about L.A.,” he prompts when I fall silent, halting Sheldon until I’ve caught up to him before leading the horse forward again.

  “What do you want to know?”

  “You went there to become an actress, right?” he asks, clearly having learned this from my family.

  “I did.”

  “And, what’s it like?”

  “Over populated. Expensive. Impossible.” I release a deep sigh.

  “Not what you’d hoped it’d be?”

  “Actually, exactly what I expected. Well, from the city anyway. I don’t know why, but I thought pursuing acting would be a walk in the park.”

  “I guess you go in with that mentality when you’re from a small town where everyone tells you you’re a star.”

  “That’s not true,” I object, working really hard to not get offended.

  “You sure about that?” He cocks a brow at me.

  “You don’t know anything about me,” I remind him.

  “Then enlighten me.”

  “I mean, okay. For Swindell, Wyoming I was a pretty big deal. Especially in high school. And yes, the transition from being at the top here to all the way at the bottom when I moved to L.A. was a bit of a rocky one. But I didn’t go in with some delusion that I was the best. I simply believed I was good enough.”

  “And now?”

  “I still believe I’m good enough. But sometimes you need more than talent to stand out among all the others and that’s where I’ve struggled. How do you stick out in a crowd of hundreds of women with fake boobs and perfect teeth? Most of whom are willing to drop to their knees on a dime if it means getting their foot in the door. I may be willing to do close to anything for my big break, but I’ll never compromise who I am to do so.” I let out a deep sigh, realizing I unloaded a lot more on him than I meant to. “Sorry,” I quickly add.

  “Don’t apologize. I asked a question and you gave me an honest answer.”

  “It’s just frustrating. Anyway.” I shake my head. “I read for a couple of roles last week. One for a new paranormal television series. And the other is a supporting role in a thriller. I’m really holding out hope for the TV series, because the other is not really my cup of tea but at this point I’ll take anything. I just need one decent role that will give me a jumping off point.”

  “I take it you’re hoping to get back there soon?”

  “The sooner the better. Until then I’m going to fly out for auditions. It’s just too expensive to live there without a steady income coming in.”

  “Sounds like you’ve got it all worked out.”

  “I always do. Knowing the game plan is key to keeping me on track. Otherwise I become distracted and lose sight of the finish line. I’ve sacrificed too much to throw in the towel now. It’s not a matter of if I make it, it’s when.”

  “I’m starting to realize why I pushed you off the swing set all those years ago,” Thad teases.

  “What?” I whip my gaze to him.

  “Your ‘can do’ attitude is a bit tiring. I probably got sick of listening to you talk like a motivational speaker.”

  “Shut up!” I swing my arm toward him but don’t come
anywhere close to hitting him.

  His deep laughter fills the air and the sound does something wonky to my insides.

  “I’m just saying.” He shrugs innocently.

  “You’re such a jerk.” My mouth draws into a tight pout.

  “And you’re easy to get a rise out of.” He chuckles.

  “I am not!” I squeak.

  He cocks a brow at me, the look on his face telling me that I proved his point.

  “Whatever.” I huff, trying to fight the smile that plays on my lips.

  Thad grins over his shoulder, pulling Sheldon to a stop as we reach the creek bed. Without a word he slides off his horse, tying him to the tree on our right.

  Following his lead, I do the same, making sure Cocoa is secure before joining Thad at the edge of the water.

  “This is my favorite place,” I tell him after several seconds of silence passes between us. “When I was younger this is where I would come anytime I was mad or upset about something. My father would never let me come alone so he’d always send one of my brothers after me. It used to make me so mad.”

  “Clearly he’s very protective of you.”

  “You have no idea.” I shake my head. “I wasn’t allowed to sleep over at friends’ houses until I was sixteen and dating wasn’t permitted until I was eighteen.”

  “You didn’t date until you were eighteen?” He swivels his head toward me, his light eyes meeting mine.

  “Oh no, I dated. My father just didn’t approve. My mother put her foot down with him and like usual, she won. But that doesn’t mean he made it easy. Senior prom he brought a shot gun out onto the porch as my mom was taking pictures of me and my date.”

  “He didn’t?” Thad looks both appalled and quite amused at the same time.

  “Oh he did.” I laugh at the memory.

  “I can only imagine how he must have reacted when he learned you were moving to Los Angeles of all places.”

  “I thought he was going to drop of a heart attack the day I packed my bags.”

  “It’s gotta be nice though. Having someone love you that much.”

  “I guess. It’s also pretty frustrating too.” I turn my gaze back out to the water. “What about you? Are you close to your parents?”