Unspoken Words

by Latoya Chandler

  “How can you lead others through their problems if you’re hiding yours from them?” the Lord asked.

  One thousand eight hours totaling six weeks went by, and Naomi-Ruth hadn’t found her way back home. Dexter had done everything in his power to convince her things would be different. He’d apologized on many occasions and sent flowers and jewelry. He slept out in her driveway because he had to be near her, and that’s as close as he could get. He even had the bathroom at her parents’ place redone for her after learning there were plumbing issues. However, as it set in that Naomi-Ruth hadn’t returned home in six weeks, Dexter lost it, bolting out of the truck and hammered on the front door.

  “Ruth, I will not allow another second to pass by. Either I am moving in there with you, or you’re coming home immediately. Now, open this door!” Dexter yelled, pounding on it.

  “Please, stop all of that commotion! The neighbors will hear you again. Don’t you think you’ve created enough scenes?” She snatched the door open.

  Dexter practically lost his balance. He didn’t expect her to open the door. She swore not to see him until she was ready, and it would be on her terms and not because of his outburst. The last encounter they’d had emerged after they had made love. What had appeared to have been one of the make-up sessions Dexter enjoyed had ended up driving a wedge between them.

  Three weeks before after Sunday service, Naomi-Ruth had invited Dexter over for dinner. He’d been praying and fasting for things to turn around in his life. His wife was making supper, and wanting to talk answered his prayers. Naomi-Ruth had attended service as she always did and took her seat as the first lady on the front pew. Pastor Lewis asked her to continue showing her face as his wife because they had an image to uphold. Although Naomi-Ruth didn’t agree with Dexter’s reasoning, she’d accepted it because she knew people looked up to her, and no matter what was going on, she had to try to make things work.

  Dinner was superb, and everything was made the way G-ma Dye did it. Dexter felt alive again. Naomi-Ruth prepared all of his favorite foods: macaroni and cheese, jerk chicken, sweet yams, potato salad, rolls, and peach cobbler. They conversed as they used to postmarriage, and it felt right. While helping his bride clean up after dinner, Dexter came up from behind and swept his lips against her neck. Naomi-Ruth turned to face him and tasted his lips. The heat rose as their tongues locked. Feeling the warmth of Naomi-Ruth’s skin, Dexter sought to chase down the electricity sparking between them. He lifted Naomi-Ruth from her feet and brought her to the sofa. In efforts to find unity, Dexter smashed his lips into hers. As they exchanged saliva and the flames intensified, Naomi-Ruth used her forearm to nudge her husband and asked for him to give her a moment.

  “Ruth, this is right. It’s what we need. Just let it happen.”

  “I feel a little nauseated, Dexter. Give me a second to get myself together.”

  “I’ll grab you a cup of water.”

  Naomi-Ruth drank the water, and they picked up where they’d left off. Dexter could not get enough of his wife. He’d missed her tremendously. Making love to her was one joy he’d looked forward to ever since they took each other’s hand in marriage. As they reached nirvana, Naomi-Ruth pushed Dexter off of her and bolted to the restroom.

  “What has gotten into you? Am I that much of a turnoff? You’ve allowed a spirit to come between us, Ruth,” he shouted.

  Naomi-Ruth could not respond as the wonderful spread she’d prepared splashed into the commode after erupting from her upset stomach.

  “Now, I make you sick so that you’re vomiting?”

  Naomi-Ruth wiped her mouth and returned. “Everything isn’t always about you, Dexter. I clearly am not well. You took a beautiful evening and ruined it. Thanks a lot.”

  “You were fine while making love to me. You became distracted, and some spirit made you throw up.”

  “Are you insane? Please gather your things and leave. I don’t know what your mind is telling you, but something isn’t right. I want this to work. You have to deal with the things you’ve hidden because you’re bleeding all over the place, Dexter.”

  “Bleeding? What in God’s name are you talking about? I knew going to some therapist wasn’t a good idea for you. God is the only mighty counselor that you need. That’s why you’re in there pucking your brains out. Your spirit is wavering back and forth. You cannot serve two masters, Naomi-Ruth. It has to be God and Him alone. That person you’re talking to isn’t God. Do they even know God?”

  “Dexter, I hope you’re spewing this nonsense out in anger. You cannot possibly believe what you’re saying. Do you hear yourself? My dad used to say God was the only counselor, and on his dying bed, he and my mom realized they were wrong. You cannot cover everything up by stamping it with scripture. Sometimes, we endure things that require major surgery, but no surgery can go well without all the proper utensils available for the procedure. When some of us find salvation, we become Jesus fanatics and use God and the Word as a bandage for our deep-rooted wounds when, in actuality, we require to be cut open and then stitched back together. So, when I said you were bleeding all over the place, I was saying you have to remove the bandages and allow God to do some surgery. Counseling is doing wonders for me. I think you should go too,” she sniffled.

  Dexter has always had a reply, but this time, he was speechless. His beloved Ruth had said the same thing God had told him weeks ago about dealing with his problems. She’d even broken it down in a way that he’s never heard before. Pastor Lewis’s inner man pained even more. He left his bride at the home her parents left her and didn’t speak to her until the following Sunday. Dexter was in the same position on the floor of his bedroom, crying out to God without taking a bite to eat as he did when he lost his virginity in the church basement. They were two different instances but the same crushing of his spirit.

  Chapter Nineteen

  The Confession . . .

  Naomi-Ruth’s insides had been battling her since dinner with Dexter. She regretted the entire evening because things had become uncomfortable between them because she had been feeling deathly ill since. She hadn’t been able to wrap her mind around what had transpired because between nausea and vomiting, she had been sleeping every chance she got. For two weeks, Naomi-Ruth hadn’t kept anything down or left the house. For the first time in her life, this would be the second Sunday in a row she’d missed church. Desirae had covered for her last week by having Rosalind ask the congregation in the morning announcements to keep First Lady Lewis in their prayers because she hadn’t been feeling well. Dez reported back that Pastor Lewis cosigned when he addressed the saints and prayed for Naomi-Ruth’s healing.

  “Dez will have to ask Rosalind to solicit more prayers because I will not make it,” Naomi-Ruth acknowledged.

  Before she could shoot a text over to Dez, her stomach got queasy again, and she sprang from the bed into the bathroom. Desirae diagnosed Naomi-Ruth with food poisoning or pregnancy. Nomi believed it was a bug that wouldn’t let up. She refused to entertain Dez’s pregnancy theory or food poisoning.

  The one thing Naomi-Ruth had enjoyed doing the past month was seeing a psychiatrist. When she finally talked to Dez and explained to her everything that had happened with Dexter, Desirae shared and recommended to her friend-turned-sister the key to her newfound peace.

  “What’s going on, Nomi? You’ve been here for almost a week now. You’re a married woman. You’re supposed to be with your husband.”

  “Dez, I cannot be there right now. That message he preached on Sunday was directed at me. It was an abuse of the pulpit and our union. He hurt me and justified it with the Word. I knew you would say I told you so, but I did not need to hear that right now.”

  “Wow! That was harsh. Pastor Lewis took what you two disagreed on and made a sermon out of it? Now, that is deep. But you know what? I am not surprised because Pastor Lewis is overly religious. And because of that, his relationships suffer.”

  “What did you say? He’s religious? We a
ll are, aren’t we?”

  “From what I am learning and have learned, no. The most important place for us to be is in a relationship with God. It will supersede the religious stuff. You know, the stuff that doesn’t really matter. I just have a different outlook on things these days.”

  “Well, you’re glowing like crazy, and everything you’re saying makes sense. I never really looked at things in that way. Wow, where did this Dez come from?”

  “My therapist recommended I go to an open therapy session. This guy Mom met in the grocery store and invited to church was the lecturer. Long story short, he and I had a long talk, and he broke down the story of Mary and Martha differently. Therapy has been doing wonders for me. I never really talked about it with you like I probably should, but I think you should try it.”

  “Ever since you told me you and your mom were in therapy, I have thought about going. I guess I didn’t know where to start, so I left it alone.”

  “Well, I’ll ask Xavier to recommend someone for you that specializes in emotional well-being because he lives in North Carolina. Besides, it might pose a conflict of interest eventually.”

  “That would be great. But back up a little bit. Who is Xavier? Why am I just learning about him? He’s been to the church, you said? When did we start keeping secrets?”

  “When he came to church, I ignored him and my mom. She came home talking about she had found ‘my husband’ and invited him to church. I stayed away from both of them that Sunday. Then I ran into him at a session. It hasn’t been that long since I met him either. It was crazy.”

  “You stayed away from him, but knew who he was, huh?”

  “That’s what Mom said, but I pay attention to things, even from a distance.”

  “I bet you do,” Nomi jested.

  “We are just friends, so calm down.”

  “For now. I am so happy for you, Dez. Please text him now and ask him for a recommendation. I need to see the light at the end of the tunnel.”

  Xavier referred Naomi-Ruth to a great therapist that has allowed her to deal with the trauma she experienced as a child. Presently, the way she had been feeling emotionally, Naomi-Ruth was anxious to visit her psychiatrist. She hadn’t been able to deal with or address what transpired with Dexter verbally. Her mental state seemed to be dealing with it. Along with feeling poorly lately, Naomi-Ruth had been feeling depressed and could not shake it. At first, she thought it was her body being fatigued and not wanting to do anything. But she realized that wasn’t the case because she recognized the signs her therapist, Dr. Laner, had told her to look for because reliving her trauma might trigger things. Naomi-Ruth felt as if God were punishing her, and her emotional state had nothing to do with trauma because no matter what, things continued to worsen.

  God, it’s not supposed to be like this. I know I’ve made mistakes in my past, and you’ve forgiven me for them. But yet, I feel as if I am still paying for them, Naomi-Ruth mourned silently.

  The rain spattering against the windowpane matched the tears trailing down Naomi-Ruth’s face. Wishing for the calm of a peaceful night, she wanted to escape the present. She turned her thoughts inward, looking for memories that could give her peace. But tranquility could not find her.

  Once inside her powder room, anxiety threatened to consume her. The area was usually transformed into the setting where she meditated and sought to reach nirvana, but now, that same space was unfamiliar and unwelcoming. Naomi-Ruth’s heart was racing at an alarming rate as her stomach churned. Rubbing her sweaty palms together, she glanced in the mirror—and became blindsided by the reflection staring back at her. The image was unrecognizable and yet, so familiar. She looked as tired as she felt. Her disheveled hair, along with the dark circles beneath her blazing, golden eyes took her by surprise.

  “What happened to me? Where did I go? How did I get back here?”

  Tears masked her peanut butter complexion, forcing Naomi-Ruth to reflect on everything that had transpired.

  “At this point in my life, there’s no reason to cry over what would’ve, could’ve, or should’ve happened. I have to face the music,” she concluded.

  Taking in a deep breath, Naomi-Ruth placed the test Dez left for her on her vanity when she diagnosed her. Hesitantly, she picked it up again and opened the box. Her heart was racing, and she was slightly nauseated. With trembling hands, she administered the test. Tears welled up in her eyes. Seconds seemed like hours as she waited. She could feel the nerves as she absentmindedly bit her nails. Unable to be still, she walked back and forth, and without notice, panic struck as the indicator changed to positive.

  “N-no! H-how?” she croaked. Naomi-Ruth expected the words that slipped from her lips to be a whisper, but they resounded like a reverberation throughout her master bath.

  “Ruth, are you all right? Please, unlock the door,” Dexter pleaded from the other side of the door.

  As Naomi-Ruth watched, her hands struggled to open the door. Dexter was already pushing his way inside. She instantly became speechless as their eyes met. Confused by how he got inside the house crossed her mind, but she brushed it off, assuming she’d left the door unlocked. Her heart was hammering painfully in her chest as her breathing went from quick to next to nothing at all. In her state of numbness, the pregnancy test dropped from her hand as she bolted past Dexter, almost knocking him off balance.

  “Ruth, the door was unlocked. I let myself in when you didn’t answer. What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” He followed behind her.

  “It’s bad timing, very bad timing. We can’t even see eye to eye. We are separated, and a baby won’t fix things, Dexter.”

  “What are you talking about? I said nothing about a baby. Are you saying what I think you’re saying, Ruth?”

  “I wish I weren’t.”

  “Don’t talk like that. In the midst of everything, God saw fit to bless us with the honor of bringing a child into the world together. It might not make sense right now because we’re in the midst of it, but God knows what He’s doing, Ruth.”

  “Dexter, you do know a baby cannot change things, right?”

  “God is already working it out, Ruth. That is the reason I came by. Ever since our last falling out, I have been convicted. God has been dealing with me. I want you to see something. Can we play this DVD?”

  “Dexter, now isn’t the time to watch television.”

  “Please, just do this for me, Ruth.”

  Naomi-Ruth conceded and allowed Dexter to turn on the TV. As soon as it came on, Dexter was standing in the pulpit. He repeatedly wiped his forehead with his handkerchief and cleared his throat a few times before speaking. His lips quivered as he addressed the congregation.

  “People of God, this isn’t a comfortable assignment that God has me facing today, but it’s necessary. It is taking me back to my childhood when I was first appointed as a youth pastor. I’ve made some mistakes, saints, but God has forgiven me for what I buried without dealing with it. It hurt me. Disappointment and shame controlled me for not dealing with what God was dealing with me. I submerged myself in the scriptures. Now, we know the Word of God is what leads and guides us, but what I didn’t recognize then until my wife brought it to my attention is that I used these scriptures as a crutch. How can I lead you through problems when I’ve been hiding from my own? I am not sure if you’re aware of this, but when I was 16, I disobeyed God and lost my virginity, and as a result, the young woman became pregnant. My bishop had us do what was right in the eyes of God and marry, which troubles me today because I didn’t find her how I was supposed to have, and as a result, the baby didn’t make it. All of it has been a thorn in my side for all of these years. I married and divorced at 17 and have never spoken about it since. As a result, I smothered my wife and used this podium to preach away a disagreement we had. Today, I not only ask for your forgiveness. Ruth, I know you’re not here today, but I am soliciting your forgiveness. I apologize for having to share this here. But this is what I have to do p
ublicly for us to move on.”

  Naomi-Ruth and Dexter held each other and broke down in each other’s arms. Witnessing Dexter confess his faults in humility gave her the sign she’d been praying for from God. She knew it would take time to heal and learn her spouse and vice versa, but she was willing to put in the work. This is the side of her husband she’s longed to get to know, not the controlling pastor without faults.

  Because things looked like they were in the process of a turnaround, Naomi-Ruth refrained from sharing her dark secret with Dexter. The only people who knew about her rape were Dez, Rosalind, and now, Naomi-Ruth’s therapist. Levi and Vera took the tragedy to their graves with them.

  Chapter Twenty

  Nine Months Later . . . It’s a Boy . . .

  Things between Dexter and Naomi-Ruth was short of amazing. Because they didn’t start the common way . . . love, marriage, and the happily ever after . . . Naomi-Ruth now believed God truly had been behind it all. She also agreed with Dexter. God’s ways are not our ways, and sometimes, He has to shake things up so He can get the glory. Their union started rocky, but things shifted. Naomi-Ruth had to eat her words when she said a baby wouldn’t fix things. The fetus growing inside of her did bring them closer together. Dexter never mentioned the boutique or her wardrobe change again. He’d even gone as far as apologizing to Desirae, which confirmed for Naomi-Ruth that her husband was the man that she knew him to be. He listened when Naomi-Ruth spoke without a critical, biblical mind-set. It’s as if Dexter became human. Although he continued to preach as he always had, he was her Dexter, the man, at home.

  Every time that Dexter looked at Naomi-Ruth, he became ecstatic. He was so taken up in the emotion that his speech sometimes was almost incomprehensible. Dexter would rub her belly and say things like, “Is my heir in there? Am I going to have a son?” Even before learning the sex of his unborn, Pastor Lewis was positive God would bless them with his successor. Naomi-Ruth sobbed each time he did it.