Apostate

by Frankie Robertson

  **I do not exaggerate. Your spirit is beautiful. As is your body.** He caressed her with his lips and tongue, communicating with every touch how much he desired her, how grateful he was that she was all right.

  Tasha didn’t try to hide her pleased reaction to his thought. **Thank you.** She shivered as he kissed his way from her earlobe down her neck. **I think you’re pretty special, too.**

  He continued on past her collarbone until he found her nipple and drew it into his mouth. She drew in a sharp breath as the sensation darted from the tip of her breast to her core with an acute pulse of need. Heat pooled between her legs. He’d taken her from zero to sixty in two seconds. She wanted him inside her. Now. But she wasn’t going to be the only one crazed with lust in this bed.

  Tasha pushed Kellan over onto his back and straddled his hips. Leaning over him with her hands on either side of his shoulders, she kissed his nose. Then she teased him by tickling his cock with her muff. He surged upward reaching for greater contact but she evaded him. His hands spanned her waist and urged her closer but he didn’t force her down. She liked that he didn’t try to control their love-making.

  Kellan laughed. **I’ve been married before, remember? I know better.**

  A frisson of doubt niggled at her. He’d been married before, been with lifetimes of other women. There was nothing she could do that he hadn’t experienced a thousand times before.

  **But I’ve barely scratched the surface with you. Every woman is unique. For that matter, every woman is different from day to day. When we’re old and gray I’ll still be discovering you.**

  He planned to still be around when she was old? Tasha sat back, making firmer contact with his erection, but pulling subtly away from him. They really hadn’t addressed the future before this. He’d been hesitant to accept her as a partner. Had that changed? But despite those questions, she couldn’t keep eager happiness from flaring at the idea of spending her life with him.

  A shadow of doubt flickered in Kellan’s mind, quickly shut away. “I am avid for you.”

  “But?”

  “But nothing. If you still desire what we have between us, I’m all in.” But his eyes slid away from hers and she knew he was hiding something.

  **It’s habit, chérie,** he apologized. **Secrecy is a way of life for me.**

  That much was truth.

  Kellan flexed his member, nudging her cleft as his hands stroked upward to graze the sides of her breasts. His thumbs gently flicked her nipples. “It’s also true that I’m greedy for you, and want to pleasure you. May I?”

  Warmth suffused her body as she instinctively pressed into his palms as she caressed the strong muscles of his chest. She loved his pecs. They were firm and strong without being over-developed. She leaned forward and licked one of his tight little nipples. **You may.**

  Kellan laughed softly and flipped her onto her back. Tasha felt the flare of his delight as if it were her own and laughed, too, but soon she was making needy little noises of desire as he nibbled and suckled her breasts. Every flick of his tongue cranked up her need. She wasn’t going on this ride alone. Kellan moaned as she reached between them to stroke and squeeze his hot shaft.

  **Oh, no, no.** He pulled her hands up beside her head. **I am pleasuring you, right now. Wait your turn.**

  He kissed his way down to her navel, swirling his tongue around it, then continued south. When he reached her mound he repositioned her legs, pushing them apart and spreading her wide. He breathed on her and she clenched as the warm air swirled over her. He made her wait for a moment and she thought she might have to beg, but before she could form a coherent thought his mouth was on her.

  Hot and wet, his open-mouthed kiss made her hips jump off the bed. He shifted his hold to keep her in place as he plied his tongue in a devilish dance over her clit. Every muscle in her body pulled taught, as he drove her higher. The entire world contracted to the place Kellan’s ministrations focused. She was close, so close, then he stopped.

  A second later he came up over her and sheathed himself in her heat.

  The perfection of being filled by him pushed her over the edge. Kellan swallowed her scream with a kiss. It was good, so good, and she held him close with her legs wrapped around his thighs. He stroked into her, pushing her higher again until she clenched hard around him with another climax that tingled from the top of her neck to the base of her spine, from her fingertips to her toes. Kellan groaned and came hard, driving deep as he shared her release and his own overtook him.

  For what seemed like forever, and not long enough, Tasha floated in their mutual haze of joy and satisfaction. She liked the way his weight on her made her feel protected and safe, but as soon as she felt the slightest discomfort, he shifted so she could pillow her head on his shoulder. Thoughts began to intrude on her contentment.

  “Is Dave all right? And his sister? Did we do it?”

  “Szegedy hasn’t made a move to harm Julie or Jack. Dave is fine except for a bite on his wrist. The coyote is being tested for rabies, but we’re pretty sure it will come back negative. He was more upset about having to shoot it than he was about the risk of contracting a deadly disease. He fed me again after he helped me get you back here, which I think was pretty amazing because it freaks him out. He really wanted to get a drink afterward, and that’s the last thing he needs. I suggested—verbally, not mentally—that he drink some water and take a nap instead.”

  “Do you think there’s anything I could say that would make it better for him?”

  Kellan hugged her and she felt the warmth of his approval. “Your support could only help. We all need help sometimes, and he’s got more baggage to work through than most. And he and his sister still have some serious issues to hash out.”

  They were quiet for a while. Tasha retreated behind her mental walls to review their earlier conversation. He hadn’t hidden how much he cared about her. She’d seen that much from their earlier intimacy. He loved her, even if he hadn’t used the words. But she hadn’t expected him to say he wanted a lifetime with her. Now that he had, she couldn’t pretend to herself that she didn’t want that too. It scared her how much. But there was something just out of reach, something that made her hold back.

  After a while, Kellan stroked her arm though he didn’t try to intrude. “Where did you go?”

  “Did you mean what you said before?” she asked as she played with the hair on his chest. “That you want to grow old with me?”

  Kellan hesitated then spoke both mentally and out loud, “More than anything.”

  “And we’ll be partners?”

  “Yes.”

  He meant it. He wanted it. But there were layers of qualifications wrapped around that “yes,” something that whispered of hidden pain and frustration.

  “Is it Jasper? Do think he’ll change his mind and want to be your partner again?”

  A stabbing grief burst to the surface of Kellan’s mind. He scrambled to clamp down on it, but it escaped his rigid control.

  Tasha gasped as the anguish he’d hidden from her flooded into her mind. **What happened?**

  **He didn’t wait for my help, or ask for Ezra’s. He’s dead.**

  Chapter Thirty

  Dave found Jack shuffling down the hospital corridor, leaning on a walker and being trailed by a burly guy in scrubs pushing a wheelchair.

  “Meet Hector,” Jack tilted his head toward his companion, “my physical therapist and task-master. We’re on our way back from another torture session.”

  “He’s doing really well. It helps that he was in really good shape before he got shot.”

  “Hey, maybe I can use that to advertise the dojo,” Jack said. “Get fit so you can bounce back faster from being shot.”

  Dave glanced at Hector. The other man hadn’t flinched away from saying “got shot.”

  “Did you serve?”

  Hector nodded. “Army. Two deployments in the Suck.”

  Dave nodded. “Been there, too.” He didn’t elabor
ate beyond that, and apparently Hector didn’t want to walk down memory lane either.

  They slowly made it back to Jack’s room. His friend grunted as he eased back into bed.

  Hector took his leave with a reminder, “Two more walks today—past the nurses' station and down to the far end of the hall.”

  Jack gave him a two-fingered salute. “Yessir.”

  “Where’s Julie?” Dave asked.

  “She took Alex down to the cafeteria when Hector pulled me out for PT. Pete’s with them. She even invited him to come along.”

  It was a testament to how spooked Julie was that she had stopped objecting to a protective escort. Without sharing details, Dave had assured Julie, Jack, and Pete that The Lion should no longer have any interest in her, but none of them could relax. He sure couldn’t. Not yet. Maybe in a year or two.

  “Pete’s heading back home tonight,” Jack added, a cautious tone in his voice. “He can’t miss any more work.”

  Dave sank into the chair beside the bed. “I need to think of some way to thank him—both of you. You’ve been life-savers—literally.”

  Jack waved a dismissive hand. “I’m glad I could help, and so is Pete. Your sister didn’t deserve this mess. What I can’t figure out is how someone as nice as she is grew up with a big brother like you.”

  “You and me, both. It probably helped that I left home when she was ten.”

  Jack’s brow furrowed. “You’re different than I remembered. I more than half expected you to blow up about Pete leaving.”

  Dave grimaced. Not that long ago, he would have been an asshole about Pete needing to go, even though the danger to his sister and nephew had passed. “I finally got some help that worked for my PTSD.”

  “No shit. What miracle was that?”

  “SGB. Stellate Ganglion Block. They anesthetized some nerves in my neck and it was like having a weight rolled off my shoulders. I could breathe again, and therapy started to make sense. I stopped drinking, too.”

  “That’s fantastic.”

  “Yeah. I almost didn’t do it.”

  “Why the fuck not?”

  “You know the stories about me. Some of them are true. Some are worse. I didn’t think I deserved to feel any better than I did. I was afraid to hope that I could.”

  “So what changed your mind?”

  “My boss, who is also a friend, insisted. And I didn’t want Julie and Alex to know me the way I was before.”

  Jack nodded, silent for a moment. “Speaking of Julie… I wanted to talk to you about something when I had you alone,” Jack paused.

  “What’s on your mind?”

  Jack stared at his toes. “Julie’s getting antsy about staying in the hotel.”

  “Yeah, I know. She wants to go home.”

  “I don’t like the idea of her returning to her place right away.”

  “Me, neither, but she’s as stubborn as―”

  “As you are?” Jack’s lips curled in a wry smile. “I know. I want her to come home with me.”

  This wasn’t a huge surprise, but Dave pinned him with a sharp look anyway.

  “I’m pretty sure I can talk her into it,” his friend continued. “I’ve got a three-bedroom place down in Carlsbad and I’ll need some help around the house for a couple of weeks, and she feels bad about me being shot even though it wasn’t her fault. I was thinking you could stay at her place to see if anyone comes sniffing around. I know I’m not much of a bodyguard right now, but staying with me would still be better than her and Alex being alone right now.”

  “Okay.”

  “I wanted to talk to you first because—”

  “—because I’m her big brother and you want to be more than just her bodyguard. Don’t worry, if you hurt her I’ll wait until you’re on your feet before I put you back in the hospital. Short of that, you’re both adults. Just remember, Julie’s not the only one who could get hurt here.”

  “I won’t hurt her or Alex.”

  “Good. Because she’d probably lay you out flat before I got the chance.”

  Kellan hadn’t meant to burden her with his grief, but he couldn’t deny that her sympathy was a balm for his loss. He closed his eyes for a moment, soaking in her concern for him. He and Jasper had supported one another through the years, sharing each other’s sorrows when one of them lost a wife or buried a child. This felt different somehow. The assumption that such losses were routine and to be expected didn’t underlie Tasha’s concern for him.

  “What happened?” she asked again.

  “I couldn’t reach Jasper. The last thing he said was that he’d ask for Ezra’s help, so I contacted him. He told me Jasper had died when he went rogue and tried to kill Three.”

  “He’s dead? For real this time?” Tasha shook her head. “I’m sorry. You wouldn't be so upset if there was any doubt. Did you tell him what Jasper knew?”

  “Yes. He didn’t believe me.”

  Shocked, Tasha sat up, the better to see Kellan’s face. “Why not?”

  “A variety of reasons, all of which make perfect sense to someone who didn’t touch Jasper’s mind. The only way to convince him would be to let him interview me, and that I won’t do. I refused his request for a meeting.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you were still unconscious. I needed to be with you. I wasn’t going to leave you alone.”

  His words warmed her heart, but she still asked, “That’s not the only reason, is it?”

  “No.”

  When he didn’t elaborate she persisted. “When did you find out about this?”

  Something in her tone warned him that she was unhappy with him, but he saw no reason not to answer. “About twelve hours ago.” She was ominously silent so he reached out mentally. **What’s wrong?**

  **I knew you were hiding something. I felt it. We made love and you shared not one hint of your grief with me. You kept your barriers up, and kept me out… I thought we had something special going for us.**

  **What we have is special. I didn’t want to taint that.**

  **How can you think we can be partners if you hold me at arm’s length? Is this the kind of partner you were with Jasper?**

  **I was trying to shield you from my pain!**

  **The way Jasper shielded you from his doubts about Three? You weren’t very happy with him about that.**

  **What’s done is done.** She was being unreasonable, but he kept that thought firmly behind his mental walls.

  **No, it’s not.** Tasha gestured broadly with her free hand. **I don’t get any sense from you that you regret holding back or that you’d do anything differently. I don’t want to be having this same argument with you twenty years from now. I want a true partnership with you, or nothing.**

  She’d rather suffer than let him protect her? She’d storm off, put herself at risk in a fit of pique? **I promised your sister—**

  **That you’d protect me from the Golden Path. Yeah, I got that. That was before I learned how to protect myself. And I get it that I’m not as experienced as you are. Who is? But you could teach me instead of putting me in a box. You know, I thought we were making love, but all the time you were shutting me out. I guess we were just having sex. If deep down you don’t want me as a partner—and you’ve made that pretty clear with the way you keep shutting me out—I can’t force you.**

  **I do want you as a partner. You know I do.**

  “I know you believe you do. But apparently it means something different to me than it does to you.” Her eyes filled with tears but she dashed them away with her fingers. **I don’t think I can bear to pretend we’re partners when I’m really no more to you than a client. I know you need to be in mental contact with someone. I’ll stay until you’re assigned another partner. Then I’ll call Jared and ask him if he can keep the Golden Path off my ass. Maybe I can spend some time with Ana. We have some catching up to do. Or you could buddy up with Jared or Gideon. They may be Celestials but they already know about the U’dahmi. I can hang with
Dave and help keep an eye on Julie until Jack is out of the hospital and we’re sure The Lion is off her back.**

  Kellan fell silent, his arguments muted by surprise. She wasn’t just venting. She was going to leave him. He didn’t like the way that felt. It was more than the idea of being partnerless. Their connection had grown in such a short time, but it was real and strong. He cared for her, and had imagined them spending a lifetime together.

  But maybe this was for the best. He couldn’t leave her unprotected while he confronted Three and he didn’t want her worrying about what would happen to her if he didn’t survive. Maybe a clean break was best for both of them. So why did it feel like he’d just had a dagger thrust into his gut?

  “Survive?” Tasha’s eyes widened. “Please tell me you’re not as reckless as your dumbass partner.” She held up her hand. “Sorry. I shouldn’t badmouth the dead, but he did a stupid thing and it got him killed. You can’t go after that guy alone.”

  Kellan groaned. Damn! How had he let that thought slip out? “Who do you suggest I put in harm’s way? Dave? Jared? You? Ezra is more likely to stop me as a rogue than he is to help me. Of course I have to do this alone!”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” Tasha shouted, punching his shoulder. “That’s suicide!”

  “It’s not suicide.”

  Tasha screamed in frustration, throwing her hands in the air as she jumped off the bed. How could someone so old be so stupid? She paced to the curtained window and back to the bed, not caring that she was naked. “Was Jasper an idiot? I mean, except for going after Three alone.”

  Kellan shifted so he was sitting up with his broad shoulders propped against the padded headboard. “No.”

  He looked delectable and sexy, but she refused to be distracted. “Incompetent?”

  “No.”

  “So he was as capable as you?”

  “Yes. We were well matched.”

  “He died, Kellan. And so did his host, Troy, because he decided to go it alone!”

  Kellan said nothing. Tasha wasn’t surprised. What was there to say? He knew she was right. Then a horrifying thought slammed into her. “Even if you succeed, you’ll be hunted as a rogue if no one knows why you did it.”