Trust Me, I’m a Personal Trainer

by Sam Derbyshire

  “Relax?” said Maggie. “It’s pretty hard to relax when I’m being tortured.”

  “It’s not waterboarding, Maggie, it’s a sit-up.”

  Maggie groaned. “Well it’s bloody torture to me. It’s just so hard. I can’t do it.”

  “Yes you can.”

  Maggie, eyes closed, was giving it her all.

  “Is it easier with your eyes closed?” he asked.

  “Yes,” hissed Maggie, “just like marital sex, easier in the dark.”

  Thor started laughing. She was funny, and having met Callum, marital sex, if she ever had it, probably was better in the dark.

  “Right, last one,” he said as she dragged herself up for the last time.

  “Oh my god,” she moaned.

  “Shh,” said Thor. “You need to stop groaning or people might think we really are having an affair.”

  And as Maggie collapsed back onto the mat, she started laughing uncontrollably.

  “Oh my God,” she laughed, “strangely that was actually very enjoyable.”

  “A bit like marital sex?” Thor asked.

  “Sadly, in my case, it’s been so bloody long I’ve forgotten,” whispered Maggie as she allowed Thor to take her hand and pull her up. “Un-marital sex, however, is proving very exciting. I can highly recommend it.”

  And as Thor led her over to the next station, he felt suddenly very protective of her; if Callum planned on using him to get at Maggie, he wouldn’t find it easy. Thor didn’t like playing games, it was far too destructive. Callum needed to man up and just be honest. The sooner they both sorted things out, the better.

  * * *

  By the end of the session, Maggie felt a lot better. Thor had developed a gym programme that she could manage and she was happy that she’d lost weight. He’d also listened and they’d laughed and it felt good to have someone to bounce things off and think things through with. Getting fit was also giving her something else to focus on as her home life was becoming increasingly lonely. Having Rachael and Thor on her side was proving invaluable.

  “Well done,” said Thor as he handed her the gym programme. “You’re doing a great job, Maggie. Keep it up and any questions just call or text me. It’s not a problem.”

  “Thanks, sweetheart,” replied Maggie. “I’m really enjoying this, I need it actually. Thanks for your encouragement.”

  “No problem,” smiled Thor. “Oh, and by the way, we have a regular get-together for anyone who wants to come, a bit of a social night out. It’s a week on Saturday. It’s open to anyone who comes for training sessions or my circuits classes. It’s usually a bit of a laugh and I allow you to have a drink or two.”

  “Well that sounds good fun,” replied Maggie. “I’m sure Rachael would like to come with me, she probably needs a night out. Thanks, I’m sure we’ll be there.”

  “Great, I’ll be messaging everyone later. Well done again.”

  “Thanks, Thor, I’ll see you on Saturday morning.”

  And as Maggie left, Thor turned his attention to his next client. It wasn’t always easy to switch off but each client deserved his full support. He wasn’t looking forward to this session. Jackie had just lost her husband; he was only forty-two. Life was a bastard sometimes but, as they both knew, life had to go on. Jackie had kids to look after; she needed to keep it together. He might need the tissues for this one.

  CHAPTER 45

  Having just finished eating together again, Rachael was happy to tidy up while Amy showed Rex her photos of her Uni hockey tour. Amazingly, they’d all managed to get through the meal without falling out and she and Amy had been astonished that Rex had happily tucked into a mushroom risotto and a bowl of salad without either grimacing or complaining. He’d even said no to a glass of wine, announcing that he’d decided to join Rachael in the pursuit of athletic excellence. Rachael had almost choked on her water and Amy had accused him of almost becoming boring. They’d all laughed; it had been nice. Still convinced, however, that he was being liberal with the truth, Rachael had tried once again to push the football issue but, annoyingly, he hadn’t had much to say, other than it was good fun; his legs had stiffened up, his back hurt, he needed new shorts and that he planned on going again. She’d left it that.

  Closing the dishwasher, Rachael looked for her phone as she heard it beep. It must be in her handbag. It was probably Maggie; she wondered how she’d got on this morning. As she looked for her handbag, a phone beeped again, but this time it was Rex’s. He picked it up. As Rachael rummaged in her bag, Rex opened his message.

  “Oh well, I can’t go to that,” he muttered without thinking and then, realising that the same text had also just gone to Rachael, he watched and waited as she opened the text, praying that she hadn’t heard him. Rachael looked at him and then at the text; it was from Thor, inviting her and the rest of his clients to a night out the following Saturday. She looked again at Rex who, refusing to catch her eye, was pretending to scroll through the sports news.

  “What can’t you go to?” she asked casually. It was definitely a bit weird that they’d both received massages at the same time. He’d also been invited to something and he was looking shifty again.

  “What?” he replied, trying to pretend he hadn’t heard. He couldn’t believe it. She never missed a trick.

  “What have you been invited to? Your text. I’ve just been invited to something too, how weird is that?” She waited. He couldn’t possibly have got a text from Thor. Why would Thor invite Rex?

  “Oh another bloody golf weekend,” he replied. “But I can’t go. It’s down near London, it’ll be a bit pricey.”

  “Well that’s never stopped you before. Who’s invited you?” she asked, as Rex continued to stare at his phone.

  “Myles Cavendish,” he replied quickly. “It’ll be mega bucks, you know what he’s like.”

  “Yes,” replied Rachael, playing along; she wasn’t sure she believed him. Once again, she couldn’t put her finger on it, but he just looked guilty. “He’s a complete womaniser, most of the wives hate him.” Except for Maggie, she thought to herself. Maggie obviously saw him in a completely different light.

  “He’s very handsome though, I can see why,” interrupted Amy. “I used to have a crush on him. So did Megan and Sophie. Do you remember that party at Maggie’s? Maggie made us food and let us hang out in her attic and we were all spying on him and trying to catch his attention.”

  “Well I hope you’ve got over that one,” replied Rachael, astonished. “He’s definitely not known for his political correctness and he’s definitely not a vegan.”

  “Oh he’s alright,” said Rex, wondering where the hell he was going with this one. “He’s a bit of a wanker but we’ve always had a laugh. Davie likes him.”

  “Well they’re two of a kind, he would. When was it supposed to be anyway?”

  “What?” said Rex.

  “The golf trip. When is it?”

  “Oh I don’t know, I’ve closed the message now. I didn’t take much notice because I’m not going to go. What was your invite?”

  “A night out next weekend, same night as Davie’s birthday.”

  “Good for you, Mum, you should go? We can go shopping.”

  “A girls’ night?” asked Rex, trying to sound convincing.

  “No, it was from Thor. It’s a regular thing, apparently, he invites everyone that goes to sessions with him.”

  “Not just you, then?” said Rex, sensing an opportunity to divert attention from himself. “You and Thor, kissy-kissy.”

  “For God’s sake, you are an idiot. No not just me, he’s invited everyone, Rex. That’s everyone he trains, not just me, and I’m flattered that you think so, but I don’t think he’d ever be interested in me other than on a professional basis.”

  “Don’t put yourself down, Rach, you’re still a good catch for an old bird,” said Rex, winking at her. “I would, if I saw you on Tinder.”

  “Piss off.” How had she put up with him for so long?
“Well, I’m going to go. Hopefully Maggie will go too, as I presume Callum’s been invited to Davie’s birthday.”

  “Probably; all the other golf boys have.”

  “Even Myles?”

  “Probably.”

  “Oh well, you can discuss his golf trip when you see him. I can’t believe you don’t want to go. You’re usually like a kid at Christmas at the thought of a trip; what’s got into you?”

  Luckily, he didn’t have to answer as Amy interrupted.

  “Which bars are you going to, Dad? I might just look in and see if Myles Cavendish is still as handsome. See if he remembers me.”

  “Don’t you dare tell her, Rex. Right, I’m going to call Maggie, I want to see how she got on today with Thor. I bet she’s lost more weight than me, she’s been really good at going to classes.”

  Amy got up from the table and, going to the fridge, took out a bottle of white wine.

  “It’s not a competition, Mum. You’re doing really well, you shouldn’t compare yourself to anyone else. Everyone’s different, it shouldn’t matter what Maggie’s lost.”

  “It gives me something to aim for,” laughed Rachael. “She’ll be thinking the same. She’ll be well pissed off if she hasn’t lost more than me, don’t you worry. If I’ve lost more than her, I’ll have a small glass of vino to celebrate.”

  * * *

  Callum was sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper when his phone beeped simultaneously with the vibrational buzz from Maggie’s, which was nestled safely within the confines of her apron pocket. Maggie, busy making lentil soup for the freezer, looked at Callum. Obviously thinking it was from Emma, he quickly opened the message. Maggie assumed that it must be from one of the girls and they’d sent a message to both of them. It was probably to do with the school autumn show.

  “Was that from one of the girls?” she asked, innocently. “My phone’s buzzed too, it can only be the girls. It’s probably Victoria. Can you read it out, please? My hands smell of onions; I don’t want to pick up my phone.”

  “It’s not from the girls, it was just Steve about maybe coming to football,” he muttered.

  “Well that was a bit spooky then, wasn’t it?” said Maggie, walking over to the sink to wash her hands.

  “What was?” replied Callum, knowing full well what she was about to say.

  “Us both getting texts at the same time. Maybe Steve sent one to me by mistake.”

  “I doubt that,” muttered Callum. “Must be your boyfriend again.”

  “Please don’t start, Callum,” replied Maggie, taking out her phone and opening the message. It was the invite from Thor that he’d mentioned earlier.

  “Oh that’s nice,” said Maggie, “hopefully Rachael can come too; it’ll be good fun, I’ll call her in a minute.”

  “What will? Who’s it from?” asked Callum, knowing full well.

  “Thor.”

  “I was right then,” said Callum, turning the page.

  “He’s invited me to a night out, well, not just me, all of us who go to training. It’s the same night that you’re going to Davie’s birthday. I’ll look forward to that. Just hope we don’t bump into each other.”

  “So do I,” muttered Callum again.

  “I think I’ll call Rachael now and confirm.”

  And as Maggie left the kitchen to call Rachael, Callum suddenly realised with complete horror that the same scenario could also be playing out in the Haig household. How could Thor be such a prick, unless he’d done it on purpose. Picking up his phone, Callum stomped off to his study. He would need to ask him to take him out of group messages. The guy had signed a confidentiality agreement for gods sake. Surely he could have given it a bit of thought. Shutting the study door behind him, Callum messaged Thor.

  CHAPTER 46

  Taking a walk out to the stables, Maggie phoned Rachael. It was cooler outside, it felt good to be out of the house. She reeked of onions though, she would need to jump in the shower when she went back.

  “Hi, Mags,” answered Rachael. “I was just about to phone you. How was the weigh-in?”

  Maggie sat down on a hay bale and stroked one of the labs as he jumped up beside her.

  “Well, I lost weight,” she replied.

  “Good for you,” said Rachael. “I knew you would.”

  “But, annoyingly, not as much as you, which I was a bit peeved about.”

  Rachael was delighted.

  “I only lost one and half kilos despite all those classes and weaning myself off the gin, but Thor said you had more to lose than me and that’s how it usually happens.”

  “Cheeky wee shite,” replied Rachael indignantly. “You wait till I see him. Did you get his message, by the way?”

  “Yes, and that’s why I’m phoning. I’m up for it if you are. Callum and Rex will be out with Davie that night, not that we need their permission to go out.”

  “No, exactly, and I’ve just been trying not to laugh because Rex got a text message the same time as me and apparently it was from Myles inviting him on a golf trip. I thought for one horrible moment that Thor had sent a text to Rex too.”

  “Well that’s very strange,” said Maggie, suddenly very suspicious, “because Callum got one too, at the same time. I thought it must be one of the girls messaging us both but he said it was from Steve asking him about indoor football. Myles never mentioned anything about a golf trip when I saw him. He said that Davie’s party would probably be the last thing he ever got invited to after it all comes out. I’m sure he would have said if he was organising another trip.”

  “Oh my God,” said Rachael, “do you think they’ve signed up with Thor? Surely they wouldn’t?”

  “Well the odds of us all getting a text at the same time must be pretty slim, they must have done,” replied Maggie. “Honestly, they really are unbelievable.”

  “Well it would explain why Rex has suddenly turned into a bloody vegan and is refusing beer,” said Rachael, “but I just don’t understand why they would do it and why they wouldn’t tell us.”

  “Well they both think we’re having an affair with Thor, maybe they’re trying to catch us out, although they could just do a bit of stalking like I did if they were that desperate. God, they really are the limit sometimes.”

  “And why didn’t Thor say anything?” said Rachael, slightly annoyed. “I trusted him; I’m not sure I’ll want to tell him anything now.”

  “Well he can’t say anything, can he? It’s not his fault,” said Maggie. “He doesn’t tell us anything about his other clients, or each other for that matter; he’s very discreet and I don’t think he would tell them anything we said.”

  “God, I hope not,” replied Rachael, trying to remember exactly what she’d told him. “I just can’t believe it, the lying bastards. I bet they’re on the phone to each other now and they’ll be panicking in case we’ve worked it out. Should we tell them we know?”

  “Definitely not,” replied Maggie. “The longer they think we don’t know, the longer they’ll have to suffer being tortured by Thor and, if we play our cards right, we can make sure that they really suffer.”

  “How?” asked Rachael.

  “I’ll message you. Men are so competitive; we can easily stir things up a bit. Right, go and see if Rex is on the phone and I’ll sneak up on Callum. Then I’m going to message Myles and ask him about this bloody golf trip. Message me later if you find out anything else.”

  And as Maggie hung up, she felt fired up. She was fed up with Callum’s lying, tired of him being so bloody miserable and bored of him trying to blame her. If he wanted a fight, he could have one. She’d had enough. It was time to move things on.

  * * *

  Sitting outside in his car, Rex called Callum. He hoped it wasn’t too late. Rachael was already calling Maggie; hopefully she wouldn’t mention the message.

  “I was just about to call you,” answered Callum. “I’m presuming you got the text.”

  “Yep, sitting at the kitchen ta
ble at the same time as Rachael. She thought it was a bit weird, but I told her it was Myles organising another golf trip, I think she bought it.”

  “Shit,” replied Callum. “I told Maggie it was Steve about football.” As Callum suspected, things weren’t going to plan. “I bet that bastard did it on purpose.”

  “I don’t think you can blame him,” replied Rex. “He’s probably got us in a group message, it’s not his problem we’re lying to our wives and I’ve been thinking, and I think you’re wrong about him shagging Maggie; he doesn’t look the type, and Rachael’s adamant that she’s far too old for him. Anyway, when I turn into Brad Pitt she’s going to change her mind about divorcing me.”

  “Well she’ll have to wait a while,” replied Callum.

  “What do you mean? I’m getting with the programme, mate. I haven’t had a proper fucking drink since last Friday. I’m on a mission, pal; you watch, you’ll need to up your game.”

  Callum couldn’t believe this. He’d only planned on going to a couple of sessions to suss the guy out, he hadn’t planned on Rex suddenly transforming into the bloody Terminator.

  “You can do what the hell you like. Once I’ve caught the bastard out, I’m out of there. I’m not giving him any more of my bloody cash and it won’t make any difference whether or not you turn into Brad bloody Pitt, Rachael will still leave you.”

  “Well I’m not so sure and, even if she does, at least I might have half a chance at finding myself a new bird. And what if Maggie leaves you? No young filly will be interested in you, mate, as you kindly pointed out to me the other night.”

  Well that’s where you’re wrong, thought Callum. Emma seemed to love him despite his gut but, then again, she wasn’t the type to worry about what other people thought. If he was honest, she had a bit of a gut herself and it didn’t bother him. She was sweet and kind and she’d said she wanted to be with him. That was all that mattered.

  “Anyway, what do we say when they quiz us again, seeing as we both have different stories now?” continued Rex.