Trust Me, I’m a Personal Trainer

by Sam Derbyshire

  Rex handed her a glass. She looked gorgeous. He was definitely in with a shout.

  “Mum, you look amazing,” said Amy. “Is that a new dress?”

  “Bloody hot, Rach, I’m liking it,” said Rex. “I’m a very lucky boy.”

  Rachael chose to ignore him. She wasn’t going to make it easy for him.

  “Well sort of,” she replied, taking a sip of champagne. “I bought it for the girls’ weekend.”

  Rex looked at her. “Did you wear that to go out?” he asked.

  “Yes,” she replied. “I bought a couple of things but I liked this one and, yes, I did attract a bit of attention, actually.” She looked at him. She intended to give him a few things to think about.

  “Bloody hell, I wouldn’t have let you go if I’d known you were going to look that good.”

  Rachael took another mouthful of champagne and stared at him over the rim of the glass. Rex, for once, didn’t know what to say. His imagination was now working overtime.

  Amy interrupted. “I don’t think Mum needed your permission, Dad. I think she’s probably got a lot of credit in the bank as far as trips are concerned, don’t you?” She stared at him, willing him to say the right thing.

  “Yeah well, I’m just jealous, you look amazing, Rach.” Rex held out his champagne. “Cheers,” he said as they clinked glasses. “Here’s to a nice evening.”

  Rachael smiled at him. He was trying. He hadn’t gone for a post-football drink in the pub, he’d come home, he’d bought champagne and brushed up well. He even smelt nice. It was a start but she didn’t plan on holding her breath. He needed to do a lot of trying to make up for years of disappointment.

  CHAPTER 53

  As it was quite early, the pub Kyle had suggested wasn’t too busy and, having ordered two orange juices and sparkling water, Thor disappeared to the gents. Kyle was desperate for a pint – he hadn’t had a drink in two weeks – but he’d Googled the calorie content and had made up his mind to resist. He’d have a drink next weekend, but for now he’d stick to the plan. Weight loss meant a date with Kelsey and every kilo lost was a step closer to his goal. As he put the change in the pool table, Kyle looked around. Kelsey had mentioned this place last week when she’d been talking about one of her many nights out. She’d said it was a great starter; shots were cheap before nine o’clock and the toilets were nice. They had plenty of room to do your make-up and nice soap and hand cream. She liked the lavender one. Kyle smiled. She did make him laugh as she wittered on. As Thor returned, the main door opened. Kyle looked over hopefully, but it wasn’t her. It was probably too early and she hadn’t said she was coming here. Maybe he shouldn’t have come here anyway. If she did turn up, it wouldn’t exactly be fair on Thor. He’d come out for a game of pool and a chat; he wouldn’t want to chat to Kelsey and her pals.

  “Are you wanting to break?” said Thor, picking up a pool cue. “I’m pretty crap at pool actually.”

  “It’s good to give others a chance sometimes,” replied Kyle as he fired off and potted a red. “That’s me on red then, the colour for winners.”

  “Great,” said Thor, as Kyle potted another, “I can see where this is going. You never told me you were this good.”

  “I’m not,” replied Kyle. “I’m just better than you.”

  Lining himself up for his next shot, Kyle hesitated as he heard a familiar voice. He looked up, it was Kelsey and two of her pals. Losing his concentration, Kyle missed and as he stood up Kelsey let out a squeal.

  “Oh hello,” she said excitedly, as she tottered towards the table on a pair of ridiculously high heels. “What are you doing here?”

  Kyle looked at her, then looked nervously at Thor. It wouldn’t take Thor long to twig his game plan. Kyle gripped the pool cue tightly.

  “Just out for a drink and a game of pool,” he replied casually. “This is Thor. Thor, this is Kelsey. We work together.”

  Kelsey looked at Thor.

  “Hi Thor, we have met, well sort of, you won’t remember me, it was at my friend Lisa’s party. I think you spent quite a lot of time in the garage.” Kelsey giggled. She’d obviously had a few sharpeners before coming out.

  “Yeah, good party that. So, you work with Kyle?” replied Thor, changing the subject. She wasn’t what he’d expected. There was no denying that she was pretty but she looked the same as every other woman her age these days. She just didn’t look Kyle’s type. Kyle had a bit of depth to him. He didn’t want to judge too soon, but he’d been out with plenty of Kelseys and it had never ended well.

  “Yeah, he’s my office bestie,” said Kelsey, smiling at Kyle. “He’s so sweet and he knows all my secrets, don’t you, Kyle? I hope he hasn’t told you any, because that would be very embarrassing. Please tell me you haven’t told Thor any of my secrets! You haven’t, have you?”

  Thor felt embarrassed as Kelsey had obviously begun to flirt with him. As far as she was concerned, Kyle was no more than a cute puppy dog. It was humiliating.

  “Kyle wouldn’t do that,” said Thor. “He’s a good bloke.”

  “I know, I was just joking,” replied Kelsey, smiling at Kyle. “He’s doing well too, isn’t he, with all this fitness stuff. He makes me smoothies, only pink ones because I don’t like green stuff. He’s been trying to make me go to the gym but I’m not doing that, and I don’t exactly need it, do I?” She twirled around, slightly unsteadily, revealing a flat stomach under her flimsy cropped top.

  Not yet, thought Thor but he quickly realised that Kelsey was fishing for a compliment.

  “Yeah, but it’s not just about losing weight, it’s about being healthy. Kyle’s trying to get fit as well as lose weight. You can lose weight by starving yourself, but that’s not good for you, is it? That’s unhealthy.”

  He was wasting his breath. Kelsey wasn’t listening, she was busy signalling to her friends to come over but they were ignoring her. They’d already latched on to a group of lads at the bar.

  “Would you like a drink?” asked Kyle, desperate to engage. At the moment the way she was talking about him he might as well be in another room. Kelsey looked at him, then looked at Thor. Thor was busy lining himself up for his next shot at the pool table. He didn’t seem interested. Kyle waited for her reply and was surprised at himself for hoping that she’d say no.

  “No, you’re all right but thanks anyway,” she replied, checking out the group at the bar. “I’d better get back to my mates. We’re only having a couple of shots here then we’re off to a party. Are you going somewhere after this? Have you tried the shots? The Absolute Bitch is to die for.”

  “No, we’re just here for a game of pool then heading home,” said Kyle. “Early night.”

  “Boring,” said Kelsey. “You need to get out more, Kyle, you’re not going to find the woman of your dreams if you don’t go out, is he, Thor? You need to sort his love life out as well as his waistline. I want to hear some stories from him, I always tell him mine.”

  Thor didn’t reply. She obviously had no idea how Kyle felt about her. Kyle just smiled. He wanted the ground to open up.

  “Oh well, I’ll see you on Monday, Kyle. Bye, Thor, I’ll tell Yoga Debbie I saw you. She still talks about you.”

  And as Kelsey left them for the lure of the livelier bunch of lads at the bar, neither of them spoke. Thor felt for him. He’d be gutted by her comments, but as far as Thor was concerned, he was definitely barking up the wrong tree. Kelsey wouldn’t make him happy. Kelsey was the type of girl that was only focused on herself and, if he was honest with himself, Jess was pretty similar. They both deserved better. They needed to have a serious chat.

  * * *

  With three games of pool over and Kyle taking the crown, Kyle headed back from the bar with another couple of drinks. Thankfully, Kelsey, her pals and the lad entourage had headed off and the pub was once again temporarily quiet. Kyle handed Thor the pint of orange juice and joined him at the table. Thor took a mouthful. He wasn’t sure where to start. Kyle helped him out.<
br />
  “Don’t worry, mate,” said Kyle. “I got the message.”

  “Sorry, pal,” replied Thor.

  “I shouldn’t be surprised really, should I? She’s way out of my league.”

  Thor put down his pint. “No mate, you’re out of hers.”

  Kyle looked at him. He didn’t get it. How could he possibly be out of Kelsey’s league? He didn’t know what to say.

  “You’re a great bloke. She’s nice but, if I’m honest, she’s maybe a bit shallow, not much going on up top, is there? You can do better, mate. Trust me, she’s not worth the effort.”

  Kyle couldn’t believe it. Thor had just insulted the woman of his dreams.

  “Well she is to me,” replied Kyle. “She’s different at work and I think I’ve got a chance.”

  “Well she didn’t say that just now, did she?” said Thor, now wishing he’d never started. “She basically told me to sort out your love life and find you a woman, that doesn’t sound interested to me. And she’s offered you a kebab on your date. Why would you offer a kebab to someone who’s just spent months trying to lose weight? If you went out with her you’d put the weight back on in no time. She’ll put it on soon too, she can’t go on knocking it back and living on crap and not putting on weight.”

  Kyle didn’t want to hear this.

  “Yeah but life’s not just about being fit and losing weight, you’ve got to loosen up sometimes. It’s not exactly a bundle of laughs, is it, sitting here playing pool with a pint of orange juice. Kelsey’s not boring; she’s normal, she likes a laugh. I could still lose weight if I went out with her, I wouldn’t have to eat what she ate.”

  “Yeah, but you’d have to drink though; you can’t go out with girls like Kelsey and not have a drink.”

  “Course I could,” replied Kyle.

  “Trust me, you couldn’t, they think you’re boring. I know, I get it all the time. I’ve just lost my last girlfriend because I don’t want to get pissed on a Friday night. I’ve lost all my girlfriends since I’ve had this job. I’m either boring or shagging all my clients.”

  Kyle was stunned. He couldn’t believe that a guy like Thor couldn’t keep a girlfriend.

  “And I’m asking you for dating advice?” replied Kyle.

  “Exactly, I told you that,” said Thor. “I can help you lose weight, but I’m certainly not qualified to find you a woman.”

  “Oh well,” said Kyle, “maybe we should just head over to Sainsbury’s, see if we can find you a girlfriend. You could hang around the veg section and see if the woman of your dreams turns up there.”

  Thor smiled. He knew Kyle was joking but, actually, it wasn’t a bad idea.

  “Alright, you’re on, there’s a Tesco Express down the road, tenner says I don’t pull.”

  “Are we both playing?” asked Kyle.

  “You’ve already pulled Gemma, it’s my turn. I’m willing to negotiate, should the opportunity arise.”

  And as they shook hands, downed their orange juice and headed to Tesco Express, Thor wondered if his life could actually get any more bizarre.

  CHAPTER 54

  Taking a sip of red wine, Rex looked across the table at Rachael. She seemed quite relaxed and, all in all, things were going well. He felt quite pleased with himself. The restaurant had been recommended by his mate Steve; he’d said that Lucy had liked it, they’d been for their wedding anniversary.

  “Well that was nice,” said Rachael as she finished her main course. “The fish was delicious and I loved the seaweed. I’ve never tried that before, you should have had some.”

  “Chickpeas yes, seaweed no. I have my limits,” replied Rex. “The chicken was good too, don’t tell Amy.”

  “Rex, you’re not a vegan, you can eat what you like,” said Rachael. “Well, unless you want to lose some weight, then you can’t, obviously.”

  She sat back in her chair and picked up her wine glass. She’d made up her mind to allow herself two glasses. She could go to the gym tomorrow and try and work it off before the training session on Monday. She’d been good all week; a couple of glasses shouldn’t hurt. Rex picked up the bottle to fill her glass.

  “Are you having another?” he asked. “I hope so, otherwise I’ll have to finish it and that won’t be ideal.”

  “For what?”

  “What?” replied Rex, confused.

  “For what?” replied Rachael. “What won’t it be ideal for? Your weigh-in with Thor?”

  “What?” replied Rex again, flustered this time.

  Rachael put her glass down and stared at him.

  “You know very well what,” she said, grinning. “I’m not stupid, Rex, Maggie and I both know what you two are up to. I think you’re talking about your weigh-in with Thor; you’ve signed up for training sessions with him, haven’t you?”

  Rex took a large mouthful of wine. He knew things had been going too well. He looked at her again. He couldn’t deny it. Thor had been adamant; if he was going to have any chance of saving his marriage, he had to stop lying.

  “Did Thor tell you?” he asked nervously, still trying to gauge her mood. She didn’t look too annoyed, if anything she looked as though she found it amusing.

  “Of course he didn’t. Thor hasn’t said a word, although God knows how.”

  “So how did you guess?”

  “Oh, come on, Rex, it’s been hilarious. You said you were going to football, but both of you had different stories as to where it was and then you start coming home after work and eating healthily for the first time ever in our married life, and then we all got text messages at the same time from Thor. It didn’t take much working out.”

  Rex didn’t know what to say.

  “And the funniest bit,” continued Rachael, “was you lurking in the toilet and then in the car, trying to call Callum to let him know what was going on. Well that and the orange shorts.”

  Rachel started laughing at the thought of the shorts.

  “Yeah, you were right,” said Rex, looking sheepish. “I wasn’t a medium.”

  “Thor must have wet himself when you came out of the changing rooms.”

  Rex grinned. He had to agree, it couldn’t have been a pretty sight.

  “Well I wasn’t as bad as Callum; he had his golf gear on and his daughter’s trainers. He looked worse than me.”

  “I know, Maggie said. She said the trainers were a size too small.”

  “He could hardly run,” replied Rex, recalling Callum on the treadmill. “Thor must have thought we were a right pair of prize pricks.”

  Rachael snorted and they both started giggling.

  “Probably. So whose idea was it?” asked Rachael.

  Rex sat back in his chair and toyed with his glass. He wasn’t sure how much he should divulge. He had to honour Callum’s confidence too, although he’d been such an arsehole in the training session, he wasn’t sure he deserved it.

  “Callum’s,” he said truthfully, “he thought that Thor was having a fling with you or Maggie and wanted to catch him out. Thor told me this morning that he wasn’t though. I presume he’s telling the truth.”

  “Idiots,” replied Rachael. “Of course he’s telling the truth. Do you think a guy like him would be interested in me or Maggie?”

  “That’s what I said,” said Rex, then began backtracking as Rachael glared at him, “That was a joke by the way.”

  “Well he’s right, we’re not. It was honourable of you to trust me though.”

  “I did trust you,” replied Rex. “I told Callum I thought he was talking rubbish, but he wasn’t having it. He’s got it in for Maggie for some reason.”

  Rachael held her tongue. Rex took another mouthful of wine. He was tempted to order another bottle but, thinking about Thor’s lecture, he decided to hold fire.

  “I still can’t believe you’re going,” replied Rachael, “and that you actually booked a session by yourself this morning.”

  “Well I don’t know why you’re so shocked; why should you go and n
ot me?”

  “Because you’re you,” replied Rachael. “You’ve never done any exercise or eaten healthily in your life.”

  “Neither have you,” replied Rex defensively. “You’ve only started going since you said you wanted a divorce.”

  “So why are you going?” said Rachael, now wondering where this was heading.

  “Because I don’t want a divorce, Rach. Well first of all I thought I’d better get fit in case I have to put myself back on the market, but then I thought if I could get myself back in shape, you might not divorce me.”

  Rachael looked at him; he actually seemed serious for once. Maybe he really was trying.

  “The thing is,” she replied as she filled her glass for the second time, “it doesn’t bother me whether you lose weight or not. What bothers me is whether you can actually change. It’s been nice this week; we’ve eaten together and actually had a conversation. When was the last time we did that? Since I had Amy, you’ve spent more time with Davie than you have with me; I’ve just given up hoping that you’ll change. I’ve had years of disappointment, Rex, and I hate all the drinking. It takes its toll eventually and you’ve let me down so many times, saying you’ll be home then rolling in at midnight, going on bloody boys trips without telling me. It’s been miserable for me Rex. I just want something better.”

  Rex looked at her. He could see she was trying not to cry.

  “Give me a chance then, I really don’t want a divorce, Rach, honestly. I’m sorry.”

  Rachael didn’t reply. The waitress arrived with the menu.

  “Would you like to see the desert menu?” she asked chirpily. “The specials are on the board.”

  Rex took the menus. “Thanks, we’ll take a look.” He handed one to Rachael.

  “I don’t think I’ll have a pudding,” she said. “I’ve already had wine and I want to have lost more weight at my next weigh-in. I want to annoy Maggie.”

  “Oh you’ll be fine,” said Rex, taking a look. “Have a pudding. I’ll still love you even if you don’t lose weight this week.”