Susan

by Patricia Pacjac Carroll

  Even now, there were times Ed had to remind himself that no one was after him. That the people on the wagon train weren’t hired guns sent to take him out. Even John. At times Ed had looked at him and wondered if he were a hired gun, but then John would smile, and all Ed saw was the happy-go-lucky fellow that rode the wagon with him.

  So, there they were. One wagon full of misfits. No one belonged to anyone. Susan was going west to start a new life and desperate enough to go with a man she never knew. Agreeing to marry Dan and then John without knowing them.

  Now, he’d added himself to the mix. Ed knew he scared her. He could see it in her eyes, but at times, he saw something else. A hunger and curiosity. That day he’d saved John, and she touched him, Ed felt something else.

  He wasn’t sure if she had, but he’d felt it. Since then, he’d had small shocks of it at different times. Whenever Susan was near him, he could feel his chest tighten. His senses heighten. And when he looked in her eyes, he could see she was alert and watching him.

  Was it only fear? He shook his head. Could be. Ed knew he wasn’t the friendliest, and he was often harsh and challenging to those around him. John tried to stand up to him but usually backed down.

  John was a different kind of man. Some might think him a coward, but Ed knew he wasn’t. He’d seen his kind before. They were strong in their own way. That’s what most people didn’t understand about them.

  Push them too hard, and you’d have a dangerous fight on your hands. In all of Ed’s travels, he’d learned to size men up. Quickly. You had to if you were a fast gun. And it was John’s kind that scared him the most.

  The quick smiles and affable personality belied the stiff backbone they had when pushed. Ed had learned to joke with them, befriend them, but never push them. How this journey was going to go with Susan between them, Ed didn’t know.

  Right now, there wasn’t much between him and Susan, or if he was reading things right, between John and Susan. Oh, both he and John knew that someday, she would have to choose, but right now, neither of them was pushing her.

  Nor was either of them courting her. Asking her to choose. What would it be like when that started? Ed wasn’t even sure if he really wanted a woman. A wife. And what about Laine? The kid had pretty much latched onto him and didn’t look like he wanted to leave.

  Ed liked it. Having someone to talk to and look up to him. But they were still more than four months from Oregon. Ed had a lot to figure out by then. But he had time.

  Then there was Sam, and the old wagon master was watching them all. Not saying or asking but watching. Ed thought he was pleased with Laine and that Ed was keeping him out of trouble.

  But he saw Sam’s worried eyes when he looked at Susan. He’d said he didn’t like having unmarried females on the train, and he had Susan and Anna. Nick’s sister said she had someone waiting for her in Oregon.

  Ed knew how that could go. But one thing Oregon had was a number of unmarried men looking for a good woman. Even if Susan refused him and John, she would have the pick of many men. Better men.

  Ed thought he ought to tell her that sometime. That she didn’t have to choose between two men who’d never accomplished anything decent in their lives. That there would be farmers, storekeepers. You name it, there would be men who could provide her with a good home.

  He owed her that much. For Dan. Because Dan would have been a good husband for her. If Ed knew anything, he knew that. It was Susan’s bad luck to lose the one man who could have made her a good life.

  Maybe he’d sit down with John someday, and they could talk it out. Decide for themselves, which of them would be better for Susan. They owed her that. Dan was getting them to Oregon, and they owed Dan that much. To make sure that Susan was taken care of. Dan would want that.

  Laine rode up to him. “You look like you’re about a million miles away.”

  Ed nodded. “Just about.”

  “Maybe someday you’ll tell me about that place you were at. I bet it was a good time and wild. How many men have you killed?” Laine sat back and brought a foot up around his saddle horn.

  “That’s not something one man asks another. Killing is only done to save your life or another’s. Those that kill for fun or profit are dead already. Don’t ever forget that.”

  Laine frowned. “And here I thought you might teach me how to draw fast.”

  Ed pointed at him. “Times are changing. This land is filling up. Right now, it’s still wild, but civilization is coming to the west. Look how many wagon trains are making the journey every year.” Ed pointed to the ruts in the dirt. “These ruts will be around long after we’re gone. Best, you figure out what you’d like to do. Be responsible and earn your place.”

  Laine stared at him. His dark brown eyes were wondering but taking in his words. “There’s sense in what you say. I didn’t get much schooling. I’m afraid there won’t be nothing for me to do.”

  Ed rubbed the back of his neck. He felt like he was talking to himself ten years ago. “Mr. Abrams is going to teach school in Oregon. He’s got books. Why don’t you see if he’ll teach you something while we’re traveling? You can still ride with me. Can you read?”

  “Some.”

  “I bet he’s got books you can borrow. He seems like a likable fellow.”

  Laine stared at him.

  Ed could see the hunger in the kid’s eyes. “Tell you what, tomorrow, we’ll both go and see the teacher and see if he can teach us. I could use some learning.”

  Laine smiled. “You would do that?”

  “You’re never too old to learn. Besides, I need to figure out what I want to do with myself once I get to the promised land.”

  Laine laughed. “I guess so. I don’t know how to farm.”

  Ed shook his head. “Me either. I know some about ranching. I suppose we could raise horses. But I think we need to learn more than that. Ranching might fit me, but you, I don’t know. You’re a smart one, and I think there might be something else for you to do. The world’s open to you, Laine. Take it by the horns and give it all you got.”

  “I like that, Ed. You make me feel good. Hopeful.”

  Ed smiled at the kid. That was something Ed had never felt. Most of his life, he’d survived. Come to think of it, Ed felt hopeful himself. And he liked it.

  Chapter 10

  John walked beside the oxen, keeping them moving. “Make that mooving,” he laughed. What was happening to him? He was talking to cows, bovine, oxen. He’d always thought that oxen were some special breed of giant cow. He had been a little disappointed when Susan told him an ox was just a big steer.

  Their job was to work. Pull. Walk. Yoked and toiling, they strained. They were the picture of a beast of burden. John stared at Big Red. “I feel for you, buddy. That’s got to be a tough way to live.”

  He took hold of Red’s horn as if he could convey his pity for the animal. But then Red looked at him and shook off his hand as if to say, “I’m all right. This is what I do.”

  John considered that. He’d never known what it was he was supposed to do. John knew one thing, and that was he was not destined to be a beast of burden. Work from morning to dark, toiling under the hot sun to coax plants from the black soil was not his destiny.

  Sadness pierced his heart. Yet, that was what Dan had planned on doing. Said he was a farmer at heart and that he found such joy in a tilled acre and praying for rain so he could watch the tender shoots come up.

  Dan had such life in his eyes when he talked about it. And all the plans he had for his farm in Oregon. Dan’s excitement was easy to catch.

  But when John thought about it, he couldn’t fathom the hard work. Not that he was lazy, exactly, but it was the why behind it that he couldn’t make himself do. He’d rather tell a story. Look at a slow-moving brook and craft words to explain what he was seeing. Then move onto another scene.

  What was wrong with him? Was he any good at anything? Dan had liked his stories. Susan enjoyed his stories. John chuckled. Ed g
rew bored with the stories and always left in the middle. The man had no curiosity.

  Ed was a hard man. John could see it in his blue-gray eyes. Piercing eyes that could render a man still. At times, John wondered if Ed didn’t paralyze his prey before shooting them. Not that Ed ever bragged about shooting gunfighters. But he had the look. He was definitely not a man that John wanted to cross.

  Then again, Ed barely gave him the time of day as if he’d been deemed not worthy of notice. Unfortunately, John knew the feeling all too well. Most of his life, people had barely given him notice.

  In the orphanages, other kids were taken to be part of a family. John felt as if he were invisible. And the feeling hadn’t gone away. In fact, John thought it a miracle that Ed had seen him fall into the river and saved him.

  Yes, sir. John was invisible. Susan barely noticed him. At times, he wondered what it would have been like to be married to her. If Ed hadn’t come along, they’d be husband and wife. But then, Ed had shown up with a bang.

  Not that Susan looked at Ed with interest. Although at times when they were together, John could feel lightning in the air. He wasn’t sure if it was signaling a coming storm and argument, or feelings that they couldn’t deny that they had for one another.

  Which man Susan should choose was not clear. Not to John. Ed was a mystery. Danger lurked around him, although since he’d brought Laine around, he’d softened some. Funny, the two of them were mirror images of one another.

  Oh, they didn’t look anything alike. But they were just alike. One older and rougher. The other a softer version. Ed had the opportunity to mold that boy. John wondered in which way he’d do it.

  Would he make Laine a faster, meaner version, or turn him from the wild ways into a decent man? Like Ed’s brother, Dan. Too bad for Susan that Dan had to die. He would have been the perfect man for her.

  But Dan was dead, and she was to choose between invisible do-nothing John and dangerous, wild Ed. Not too promising of an outcome for a woman that looked and acted like a sweet lady.

  John switched Red lightly on the back to keep him going. Susan. He wondered if she knew much about herself. The woman had said very little to him about what she wanted out of life.

  Perhaps this was her chance to decide what she wanted. Her choice. Her opportunity to choose and not take the lumps that life dished out. What little John knew about her was her family was gone. The family farm gone, and she was drifting about as if on a boat in a calm sea. No rudder or sail, just settling for wherever life took her.

  But now, she had a choice. That was her opportunity and job to decide which man she wanted. John figured she didn’t really have to choose either one of them, and that could possibly be the best thing for her.

  He wouldn’t want his sister, if he had one, to wind up with Ed. He’d fear she’d get beaten or left on her own as soon as he tired of her and wanted to see more of the country. Yet, John wondered if that was why Ed roamed the land.

  As for himself? He wasn’t all too sure what she’d be getting with him. He wasn’t a farmer. Not a hard worker. A craftsman of story. Words. But there was little call for that. And less money.

  So, what was he going to do about it? If Ed was half the man his brother had been, John would bow out and gladly tell her to choose him. But Ed wasn’t. Not that John was actually scared of the man, but he sure wouldn’t want to cross him.

  And that Susan was to choose between them, meant they would be crossways of one another at some point.

  Susan? John loved her. Maybe it was the romantic in him, but he loved the way she sun shone on her hair, setting it afire with color. The way her green eyes stared at the world as if she were sizing everyone up. To see if they were friend or foe and even then, never sure.

  In fact, John got the feeling that Susan knew about others much more than she knew about herself. His heart ticked faster, just thinking about her. If he were a different man, he’d ask her to marry him right now.

  Then guilt stabbed him. The only reason he was even on his way to Oregon was that he had chosen to marry her so she could get on the wagon train. What a strange turn of events. He’d already said, “I do” and was just waiting for her when Ed had showed up.

  Shaking his head, he glanced at Red. “What a mess, buddy. You don’t have to worry about that at all, do you? Not that you wouldn’t want to. Wasn’t your choice to be a steer, was it? Then again, at least you get to pull the wagon and weren’t made a steak.” John kept walking.

  How he got stuck guiding the steer, he wasn’t sure. Ed was off riding his horse, talking with Sam, and watching out for Laine. Ed got to do brave man stuff while he was stuck walking with Red.

  Susan was back with Anna talking about woman things. Nick, Anna’s brother, was doing the same thing he was. Walking with the steer and talking to an ox.

  Maybe he could get Ed to change places with him part of the time. Then John pictured himself going up to Ed and telling him to switch places. John laughed. “Yeah, that would work. More than likely, he’d shoot me.”

  Then again, Ed had jumped in the river and saved him. He was going down when Ed’s hand was in front of him, grabbing him by the shirt and hauling his head above the water. John felt as if God Himself had taken him from the deep. What a surprise when John saw Ed and the man telling him to hang on.

  He owed Ed something for that. Maybe to let him have Susan. Not that she was his to give away. Still, John wasn’t sure Ed could be a good husband, and the way John felt about Susan, he wouldn’t do or allow anything that would hurt her.

  She was so quiet. Never telling anyone what she wanted, yet always attentive to meet the needs of others. At dinners, she was always up, seeing that everyone had enough to eat and water to drink.

  Yet, no one waited on her. John laughed to himself. He wasn’t sure Susan would even allow it. Tonight, he was going to make a point of doing things for her. He’d make sure he put the dishes up. The box was heavy, but she never complained.

  He’d take them and wash them. Ed had said there’d be a creek nearby the camp. In fact, he thought he’d clear out a place in the wagon so that she could sleep inside if she wanted to. Right now, it was warm and sleeping outside felt good.

  But someday, they were bound to run into rain. John wanted to protect her. Make her smile. Really smile. The times she did smile, he got the feeling she was just going along with everyone else. He wanted her to feel. To see things. To grab hold of a sense of wonder. For all of John’s wandering ways, it was his sense of wonder that saw him through. The different plants and trees along the way. The sunrises and sunsets.

  Birds of varying sizes, feathers, and songs. The uniqueness of God’s creation quickened his spirit to enjoy the world around him. He might not have much, but he appreciated the variety around him.

  That went for people too. He loved to study people. The way they looked. The light or darkness in their eyes. Smiles and frowns. Scowls and anger that rivaled the fiercest storms. The love of a mother for her baby.

  That always made him sad. He often wondered if his mother looked at him in such a way. He liked to think she had. John shook his head. No profit in thinking of hard times. He’d encouraged himself in that way since he could remember.

  Losing everyone at such an early age, John felt as if he’d been on his own forever. Maybe it was time to learn to share his life with someone. Perhaps God had sent him to Dan just so he could be there for Susan.

  He slapped at a fly and happened to look at the shirt he wore. Dan’s shirt. John wondered if he could become like Dan. Could he want to farm? Become another man to make Susan happy?

  Either he did, or Ed would take her. John scowled. The man was as rough as he looked. John laughed. Actually, Ed was a mystery. He had a rough exterior, but what was inside remained to be seen.

  Well, that would have to be part of his job, too. Help Susan and try and see if Ed could be the man for her. Or, John would have to become like Dan. Yet, that would be the hardest work of all. Dee
p in his heart, John knew he would make a lousy farmer.

  The wagons in front stopped. A quick look at the sun and John figured it must be noon. Good. He felt like he’d walked halfway across the world today. He patted Red and set the brake on the wagon.

  Susan stayed back with Anna. John watched her and climbed into the wagon without her noticing. He’d surprise her and make her a bed.

  Moving things around, he picked up a box and set it atop another. He’d just turned to move another when the other box fell and spilled its contents over the wagon.

  John shook his head and started picking up the items. Paper and pencils. Letters to Susan and from her. John picked up one that Dan had written and read it.

  Dear Susan,

  I want you to know you have nothing to fear. I will treat you like a royal queen. A princess worthy of being loved. I know I’m asking a lot, but if you come and meet me, I promise to make you smile every day.

  John stopped reading, feeling as if he were trespassing. Susan should have the letters and not share them. He’d leave them for her. But the paper. A book he could sketch and write in. He hoped she wouldn’t want them. Thought about asking her, but decided he’d take them and see what he could do.

  He cleaned up the wagon, and after an hour’s work, he had a nice little place for Susan to sleep in. He stepped out of the wagon and nearly ran into her.

  She stared at him. “I brought you some lunch.” She looked at the book in his hand.

  “I made you a bed in the wagon. I found this book, paper, and pencils. Do you mind if I use them?”

  She shrugged. “No. They really aren’t mine.” She handed him a plate. “You could write your stories. Maybe sell them when we come to a town.”

  John nodded. “I was thinking about that. You sure you don’t mind. I feel like I’m stealing them.”

  “Dan was your friend. I don’t think he’d mind. In fact, I bet he’d want you to have them. I can’t see Ed using them.”