by R. S James
Turning, I get out of the truck and walk into the bridal store. Telling the lady, I just need a basic tux, she measures me, and then has me try one on. Once in the dressing room, I hear Carson in the room next to me. “Look okay, I’m sorry. I really don’t think your only in it for sex, but she is my sister, and it’s my job to protect her. I know you will always take care of her. I’m sorry.”
“Hey, no worries. As long as you know what I’m planning.”
Prom night
I get all dressed up and take a million pictures to make my mom happy. Well, as happy as she is going to be, since I’m going without a date. I finally make it to the country club and see it’s all done up. Under the stars, is the theme, and there are little white lights hung everywhere. It reminds me of the night I first held her in my arms at the bonfire. On the tables, they have clear tulle with glitter on it, and it goes down the center of every table. Along with that, there are two clear cups, and one has a floating candle, while the other has white flowers. There are blue, white, silver, and clear balloons with larger star shaped balloons, floating all around.
For the picture areas, the backdrop is black with stars all over it. For the meal, we have the choice of chef salad or Caesar, the main course is pork chops with sweet and sour glaze or chicken alfredo, and for dessert, we have cake, brownies, and cookies. I’m just standing around taking it all in, when my eyes land on her. All the air leaves my lungs, and I feel like I’ve just taken a sucker punch to the face. She is just so beautiful.
She’s wearing a long, light blue dress that hugs her perfectly, and it has glitter all through it. It is an A-line sleeveless off the shoulder chiffon dress with a slit that shows off her perfect legs, when she walks. Jesus just looking at her is enough to give me a hard-on. I keep my distance, as I will my cock to go down. Finally, its down enough that it isn’t noticeable, so I make my way over just in time to see the surprise in her eyes, as we are seated right next to each other.
Pulling her chair out, she sits down. I sit down next to her, and then I turn to face her. “Hey, what strings did you pull to get this?”
“Are you mad? I can go sit elsewhere, if you want.”
“No. I’m not mad, and you can sit here. I was just asking. You look very handsome tonight.”
“Thank you, but I could be naked, and no one would notice. You are incredibly beautiful.”
The song “Hangin’ On” by Chris Young starts playing, and I hold my hand out, asking her for this dance. Her cheeks get a light pink hint to them, as she accepts my hand. This song is so true for me and her, and I love the feel of her hanging on to me. Her hands are around my neck, and my hands are on her hips, as we sway back and forth to the song. We could be alone in the world for all I care. The next song is “Rumor” by Lee Brice, and I ask her, as we sway back and forth, “Are you ready to make this official? I feel it, and I know you feel it, too.”
“I won’t deny that I feel something for you. But I’m not sure if I’m ready to become public enemy number one by taking you off the market.”
Tipping her chin up, I tell her softly, “Love, it doesn’t matter if we make it public or not. I’m yours now, until forever. If you want to keep it between us, that is fine. I’m one hundred percent all in and all yours.”
“Okay, but I’d like to keep this between you and I for a while, please. I know you don’t like it, but I’m scared that I will end up being the laughingstock of the school. I’m sorry if you can’t accept that.”
Swallowing the lump down, I agree with her, as I ask her the burning question in my mind, “Are we going to see other people or just be exclusive?”
She tilts her head down in embarrassment. “In case you didn’t notice, there is no one beating down the door for me. You would be the only one with other people, waiting to date you.”
Stopping the swaying, I place my hands on her neck and tilt her head back, so I can look at her in the eyes. “Love, for me it’s you. It’s always you.” Softly, I place my lips on hers and feel like I have been struck by lightning. Leaning my forehead on hers, I ask her, “Where is Josh? Isn’t he your date?”
Chuckling she tells me, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
Leaning back, I say to her, “I have all night, and I can dance that long with you.” Just then, both of our stomachs growl. “Well, maybe not all night.” Laughing, she places her forehead on my chest. “Would you be upset, if we left now and went somewhere to get real food?”
“I have one request first. Can we get our picture taken together?”
Taking a step back, she looks at me with a deer in the headlights look. “You mean you want to get a picture with me? Me, the runner that isn’t head cheerleader, the one that isn’t miss popular, or the one that if I miss school nobody notices?”
“You, beautiful girl, are so much more than you know. I would rather be seen with you on your worst day than any other person on their best day. I don’t want someone perfect. I want someone real that will not put up with my shit, and who will be loyal to me. The real me, and not the image of me.” Taking her hands in mine, I interlock our fingers, as we make our way to the photographer. I grab an envelope and fill out my information and check what pictures I want. Turning around to grab her hand again, I see she has done the same thing. “Do you want to put your order on my form, and I’ll pay for them?”
“No, you’re not my dad or my brother. If I want something, I’ll pay for it. Thank you for the offer.”
Chuckling, I grab her hand, hold it in mine, and then tell her honestly, “This is why I’m so attracted to you. You don’t take my shit, and you don’t want my money. Honestly, I think I would have a better chance with you, if I was broke.”
Before she has a chance to respond, it’s our turn to get pictures. The first is me standing behind her with my arms wrapped around her stomach area, her head leaned back on my left shoulder, and my face between her cheek and shoulder. She has such a small but perfectly real smile on her face. The next pose is us standing face-to-face with our foreheads touching with my hands under her chin, and her hands holding my arms, as we just look in each other’s eyes. It’s such a romantic pose. The third and final pose is her hands on my shoulders, while I leave my hands on her hips, and then I dip her back and kiss her sweet mouth.
On our way out, I grab the photographer’s card. Once outside, we walk to my truck, and I open the door for her, helping her inside, before jogging around the other side. “Any place you want to get food from?”
“No, I’m good with whatever. Can you stop by my house?”
“What? I mean, I guess if that’s what you want.” I can hear the uncertainty in my own voice.
“What?! Wait, I only want to stop at my house to change quickly. This dress isn’t the most comfortable. I’m not quite ready for our prom night to end.” I can tell she is nervous by the way she is fidgeting with her hands. Stopping at the one and only stop light in town, I reach over and take her hand, interlocking our fingers. She whips her head towards me, as our eyes lock, and I give her a smirk.
“That is the best idea. I’ll stop by my house and change also.” She gives her hand a little tug, but I’m not letting go. Not this time. I want her to know for sure that I’m serious about us. Stopping in her driveway, I turn to look at her, “I’ll be back here in twenty minutes. Is that enough time?”
“Yes, thank you. I’ll see you in a bit” She tries to open the door, but I hit the lock button, as she turns to look at me, and I lean in and steal a quick kiss. Its real quick and not nearly as deep or long as I’d like, but we are in her parents’ driveway. Hitting the unlock button, she opens the door and quickly gets down, only then does she look back at me.
“If you’re not here in twenty minutes, I’ll know this was a joke, and we will let this be the end.” Opening my mouth to say something…really anything, she doesn’t give me a chance, as she slams the door shut in my face. I’m tempted to stay in my tux, but I’m planning a picnic for us. Sig
hing, I put the truck in reverse and back out to head home and change.
Carly Present
Will I ever be enough for a man to stay true and faithful to me? What is wrong with me that every man I give my heart to breaks it? Why can’t I find a man that loves me the way I love him? Maybe, I’m meant to be alone forever. I’ll just be an awesome aunt.
Finally, sleep overtakes me, and I fall into a fit full sleep, filled with dreams of Xavier and a new unfaced woman. I wake up to a pounding on the door. Stumbling towards it, I look through the peep hole, and my dad stands there. I grab my pants and a t-shirt, and then throw them on. Opening the door, he walks in and says, “You never responded to me.”
“Dad, what are you doing here, and what do you want, besides money, because I got none for you to spend on alcohol or Clarissa.”
“Carly, I lost everything, when your mom left me. I need to be a part of her life.”
Is this guy serious right now? What the fuck makes him think my mom would give him the time of day? I mean yeah, she did before, but once he and Clarissa did what they did, she has been done with both of them.
“Dad you left! You cheated more than once. You have a child with another woman; my mom’s twin sister, who is just as selfish as you are.”
“I wish I could take it all back. I’m so sorry. I just need another chance with your mom.”
“She is married to Maddox; you lost your chances. It’s over, she is done, and you need to clean up your life and move on.”
“Carly, I can’t.”
It’s then that I realize there is no help for him. He’s too far gone. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just him. He’s never at fault, and it’s always the other people.
I walk to him, wrapping my arms around him. “I’m so sorry, Dad, but I have to let you go, so I can fly. I need you to be whole, but more importantly, I need you to do it for you and not me. I love you, but that’s not enough and never has been. However, I am enough, and I must look out for me. This is breaking my heart, but I know you will only break it more, if I don’t do this now. Once you get your life together and do it for you and no one else, then come see me, so we can have a relationship, until then, I need you to stay away from me. I hope and pray you get better for you and Caitlynn.”
I see the tears fill his eyes, and he softly kisses my check and whispers, Goodbye”.
For some reason, I can read in his eyes that this is the last time I will see him. However, I know it’s the right thing to do for me, and there is nothing to say. He has broken my heart completely. I have nothing more to give, nothing for him to take, and that’s all he wants. I keep watching, as he walks away, one step my heart shatters, one more my body starts shaking, and with one final look, he closes the door, and there is nothing I can do to change any of this.
I wish I could call Xavier and talk this through with him because he’s my person. Flipping the lock on the flimsy hotel room door, I start crying once again and make my way to the bed. Lying in bed, looking at my pictures of Xavier and me, I cry myself to sleep again. Only to have more dreams of me being alone forever. I wake up, and as soon as my feet hit the floor, my stomach rolls and I run, like I have for the last two weeks. Finally, my stomach is empty; I get in the shower. I get out and look at the calendar on my phone, and I realize I’m about three weeks late. Great just what I don’t need right now.
I brush my teeth, and throw on some sweats and a hoodie, pack my stuff back up, and head out. I have the room for tonight as well, so I leave my clothes here and go to the nearest store. I head out and spot a coffee shop, so I grab a blueberry muffin and a hot chocolate. Getting back to the hotel, I go back to my room. I grab my phone and send one message to mom, Carson, and Xavier, telling them all I’m fine and will be home Sunday. My phone is instantly blowing up with messages, and then it starts ringing with “Anywhere but Here” by Safetysuit, which makes me cry all over again. He should be here with me, and we should be celebrating together, but he doesn’t love me the way I love him.
Kissing my thumb, I press it to his lips on the picture and shut my phone off. Curling up in a ball, I again cry myself to sleep. I must be tired because I don’t remember any dreams this time. However, I wake up with a pounding headache. Seeing the tests still sitting on the stand, I realize it’s not just me anymore, so I guess I need to figure out what I’m going to do. Deciding I need to go back home, I pack up and check out a day early. I go to the local Walmart and grab some snacks for on the way home, along with some prenatal vitamins. Looking at the baby section, I see so much cute stuff. I spot a bright yellow bunny, and I put that in the cart, making my heart a little happier.
Later that night, I pull up to my own apartment, and I’m thankful I didn’t break my lease on it. I walk up the stairs with my suitcase and duffle bag, noticing a bouquet of white daisies and yellow roses, and about 50 notes taped to the door. Leaving the notes there, I grab the flowers and go inside. After dropping everything next to the door and locking up, I go straight to the windows and look outside. The gray sky matches my mood, and the beautiful white snowflakes, dusting the ground, are like the pieces of my heart, floating to the ground.
Walking to the front room, I grab my bags and take them to my room. Putting them down and heading to the bathroom, I decide a nice bath will relax me. Once again, I hear our song and decide tomorrow I’ll deal with everything and everyone. Tonight, I just need to relax and be me. After my bath, I make myself a grilled cheese sandwich with a glass of orange juice. After I eat, I rinse my dishes off, grab my chargers and my Nook, and head to bed. Lying in bed, I try to read, but I can’t focus, so I put my nook down and wrap myself around my body pillow.
Waking up at six the next morning, I get up and feel better about my decisions, so I get dressed and head out to run. It’s my stress relief. I run for three miles and finally get home and take a shower. Getting out, I text mom to see if she is going to be home. She’s been worried, so of course, she will be home. I get dressed, grab my keys, and head out the door. When I get to Mom’s house, Caitlynn sees me instantly.
“Carly, I missed you. Where have you been? It’s been foreber, since I seed you.”
“Awe sweet girl, I’m so sorry, but it was only three days. I love you, and I missed you, too, baby.”
Walking over to my mom, she wraps an arm around me and says, “Baby girl, if you ever take off like that I again, I’ll whip your little ass. You may be an adult, but I’m still your mom.”
“I’m sorry. I just needed to get my head right. Can we talk, or are you on call today?”
“No, baby. I’m all yours as soon as I put someone down for her nap.”
“Carly, can you read me a story, and do the voices? Mom doesn’t do them good.”
“Of course, Caitlynn. Mom, I’ll be back and teach you the voices.” With a smirk, I walk upstairs with Caitlynn.
Walking back in the front room, Mom is on the couch, waiting for me. I sit down with her, laying my head in her lap, as she runs her fingers through my hair, and I start my story. I tell her everything, including my dad showing up.
“Dad wanted money from me, and for you to give him another chance with you. He never showed any emotion. Mom, why does every man I give my heart to break it? Is there something wrong with me? Anyway, I cried myself back to sleep. Waking up the next day, I realized I still have a life here. Sure, I’m going to see Xavier, but it’s like a band aid. The faster you rip it off the easier it is.”
“I really think you need to talk to him.”
“Mom, I can’t today okay? I just need to get me back to me.”
“Okay, it’s your choice, but remember, nothing ever gets solved by sweeping it under the rug. I want you to remember this also. You’re going to fly with every dream you chase, and you’re going to cry, and that is perfectly okay. Sometimes, life’s not fair, but if you hang in there, it will work out like it should. You’re going to see sometimes that bad is good. You just need to believe things work out like they should. The o
nly guarantee in life is you will always be loved by me.”
“I promise, I will talk to him, okay? Just not today. Thank you for the pep talk. I really don’t like it, when I cry. I hate when the universe makes you make a mistake that hurts your heart, but I guess I need to have my heart hurt, so I can say I was really loved. I do believe everything will work out. It just hurts badly right now. I wouldn’t trade you for any mom in the world. I love you so much and thank you so much for always being here and being you.”
******
The next weekend I head back to Mom’s. It’s been a long week, and of course, the first thing she says is , “So, is today the day?”
“No, today is not the day. I want to go shopping with my favorite little sister.”
Caitlynn laughs, “Sissy, I’m your only sister, and Carson is your only brother.”
“Oh, you’re right. Let’s get you dressed, and then go spend some money!”
“Otay!”
We spend all day shopping from toy stores, to clothing stores, out to lunch, and then to the park. It’s seven at night, when I bring her home, taking all her bags to her room, and then helping her put it all away. She asks me to give her a bath, so I do. I also read to her, her favorite book with the voices, and she’s asleep, before I’m halfway done. Walking downstairs, I see Carson on the couch, so I tell him Caitlynn is in bed asleep.
He nods at me, and then finally says, “If you ever leave like that again, I’ll beat your ass. I didn’t know where you were. I just knew you were hurt. Jesus Christ, it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, and there was nothing I could do about it.”
