This Is Love

by Ivy Smoak

  I collapsed in my desk chair and turned on my laptop. As soon as I opened up an internet browser I started typing away. I looked up poison and how important it was to pump your stomach. I wasn’t sure if Liam or mine had been pumped. I looked up preemies and how their chances at survival depended on how far away from their due dates they were born. All the problems and issues they could have down the road. It was like I jumped into a dark hole and couldn’t escape. I researched hospitals and experimental drugs and jotted notes down in a notebook the whole time. The odds weren’t in our favor. I already knew that. But that didn’t mean there wasn’t hope. And I had to have hope. If I didn’t have that, there was nothing to hold on to.

  I turned to what I knew about James’ condition. I learned about the different chambers of the heart, not knowing which of his was affected by his cardiac episode. Just the words cardiac episode were rather vague, not providing much help at all. But if he had surgery it was definitely more serious than he was letting on. I knew all about his stress levels and how they affected his heart. He was supposed to be careful. And I couldn’t help thinking that if I had been a little more careful, a little more aware of my surroundings, none of this would have happened. I could have prevented what happened to my son. I could have prevented what happened to James. I could have prevented all of this.

  I tried to ignore the thought as I jotted down the name of the best cardiologist in the United States. I had never cared about James’ money until this moment. We had all the best everything at our disposal. There was no reason for us to stay here in New York City if the best of the best wasn’t here. And it wasn’t. Not for Liam or James. We’d either fly the doctors we needed out here or go directly to them.

  Only once my research for my husband and son was thoroughly exhausted did I start looking into my own problems. It took me a while to figure out how to spell bilateral oophorectomy. And once I figured it out, I wish that I hadn’t. The sadness I had felt when I first found out was heightened even more now that I knew what it was like to have children. I never want to stop at two. I wanted three or four or more. I wiped the tears away from underneath my eyes. It wasn’t reversible. There wasn’t anything that anyone could do. Liam would be my last child. End of story. And I wasn’t sure if he’d live. I missed out on his first few weeks. I missed out on his birth. I missed out on everything and it was my last chance to experience it.

  I took a deep breath. This wasn’t about me. I hadn’t wandered down here in the middle of the night to grieve what I had lost. I came down here to fix whatever I could. But no matter how hard I tried to bury down the pain, it wouldn’t go away. Tears kept spilling down my cheeks as I lifted up my phone and dialed the number of the doctor I had found that had the highest success rate with rehabilitating preemies. I needed to book flights, car rentals, hotels. I had too much to do. There wasn’t time to fall apart on the what-could-have-beens.

  Chapter 12

  Tuesday - James

  I reached out and felt empty sheets. The familiar pain in my chest returned. Not from the surgery, but from the feeling of loss that had overcome me. I had been sleeping alone for weeks. And every morning I woke up reaching for Penny. Some mornings I wondered if this was how widowers always felt. Reaching out for a spouse that was no longer there. A ghost whose presence became less and less every day as their smell faded away. As their laughter became a distant memory. As the feeling of their lips grew harder to remember. As the memory of their smile disappeared from existence.

  But then I heard a small snore from behind me. I opened my eyes and turned to see my daughter sleeping beside me. She was smiling in her sleep, hugging one of her stuffed animals tightly. And I remembered that I hadn’t gone to sleep alone last night. Penny was back. She came back to me. And I didn’t need to remember her smell, touch, taste, and sound. She’s home. I slowly sat up and ran my hand down my face, trying to ease away the sleep and the bad memories. I had almost been swallowed whole by them. I had almost lost everything.

  But Penny was definitely back. So where was she? I glanced at the clock. It was only 5:30 in the morning. My feeling of relief quickly disappeared. She promised she wouldn’t leave again. I pushed the sheets off of me and practically tripped out of my bed. I glanced back to see Scarlett still sleeping peacefully before I jogged out of the room. I wanted to call for Penny, but I didn’t want to wake anyone else sleeping.

  She wasn’t in Liam or Scarlett’s room. I ran down the stairs. Penny wasn’t in the kitchen or the living room. There were plenty of mornings when I found her on the couch with a cup of tea, a blanket, and a good book. But not this morning. It felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. She promised me she wouldn’t leave again. I knew she was remembering. I could tell by the way she looked at me. The way she kissed me. Where the fuck was she?

  I glanced into the dining room to find it empty before walking down the hall. I breathed a sigh of relief when I found her sitting in her office, her knees pulled up to her chest, balancing a cup of tea in one hand and moving her computer mouse around with the other. She didn’t hear me or see me, she was completely engrossed in whatever she was doing on her laptop.

  “Penny, what are you doing up so early?” My voice came out croaky and strange. I sounded desperate. I tried to swallow down the insecurities. She came home. She was still here. I took another deep breath and the pain in my chest eased.

  Her eyes flitted to mine in the darkness. “I couldn’t sleep.” There was something alarming in her voice. Pain. Emotion. Fear. I was by her side in a second, putting my arms around her, hoping that they somehow helped ease her hurt.

  “What happened? Is everything okay?”

  She quickly wiped tears away from beneath her eyes. “It’s nothing. I’m fine.” But everything sounded wrong in her voice.

  There was no way I was going to drop this. Not when our relationship was still so fragile. I wasn’t going to let anything else break. “Baby, talk to me. Let me in.”

  “God, it’s stupid.” She angrily wiped her tears away this time.

  “No secrets. Remember? Whatever it is…tell me. You’ll feel better if you let it out.”

  “I wasn’t trying to keep a secret. I just…I was thinking of myself and there is no reason to be thinking of myself at a time like this. But I can’t stop crying. I keep trying to stop and I can’t.” Her voice cracked.

  “And why, my beautiful wife, can’t you stop crying?” I tried to massage her shoulders, but she felt stiff and uncertain. Usually my touch could calm her. But if anything she seemed more agitated.

  “I wanted more children, James. I don’t know how to accept the fact that I can’t have any more. This wasn’t the plan.” She dropped her shoulders, letting my hand fall from her. “I wanted to fill our house with laughter and love…”

  “Penny, it’s okay. Plans change. And I love our family just the way it is. We have everything we need. The four of us is all I need.” I tried not to think about how easily we could become three.

  “You don’t have to lie.”

  “I’m not lying.” I tried to catch her gaze but she was looking anywhere but at me.

  “You’re acting like it doesn’t matter. Like you don’t remember what you said.”

  I shook my head, trying to think of what she was talking about. I grabbed her hands so she’d stop wiping her face, trying and failing to hide the fact that she was crying. “Remember what?”

  She looked up at me with her tear stained eyes. “You said if it was up to you I’d be pregnant all the time. You can’t stand there and pretend you’re okay with this. I know you want more children. And I can’t give you that. I can’t give you the one thing you’ve asked of me.”

  How did she have this so wrong? How could she think that was all that I wanted, when all I truly wanted or needed was her. “Penny, all I’ve ever cared about is you.” I knelt down in front of her so that she’d meet my eyes. “And then Scarlett came along and changed everything. Unexpectedly, I’d li
ke to add. I would have been happy just the two of us. But I love her to pieces. And now Liam. Our children mean the world to me now. But I was always terrified when you were pregnant. I was always scared that something would go wrong. And it did. Yes, I wanted more children before this happened. But now? I don’t know if I’d ever want you to get pregnant again even if we could. For weeks it felt like I'd lost you. I’ll never jeopardize your health again. Another kid isn’t worth the risk of losing you. I can’t lose you.”

  She nodded but didn’t stop crying. “I’ve always just wanted to give you everything you’ve wanted. Because I didn’t come with…wealth or an Ivy League degree or a…”

  I silenced her words with a kiss. “I never wanted those things. I only ever wanted you.”

  She wrapped one of her hands behind my neck and deepened the kiss. If I wasn’t already on my knees, she would have brought me to them. Her kiss was salty from her tears. Her fingertips dug into the back of my neck, drawing me closer. When she was upset, there were usually two things that made Penny smile again. The first option was listening to her. Letting her get everything off her chest. The second option was distracting her. But this felt a lot more like she was trying to distract me. Which meant something else completely. She was still hiding something from me. Something that she thought after-sex bliss would make it easier for me to hear. I pulled back from her kiss, almost knocking both of us to the floor.

  Her chest rose and fell rapidly as her eyes searched mine. “I wasn’t done kissing you yet.”

  I just stared at her, waiting for her confession.

  “What?” She pressed her lips together as she looked at me. A tell that meant I was absolutely right.

  “I’m waiting to hear what else is on your mind.”

  “I’m pretty sure I made it pretty clear what was on my mind.” Her eyes trailed down the front of my body.

  “I meant besides that. You remember fragments. I remember everything, baby.”

  Her throat made an adorable squeaking noise. “You’re acting like I did something bad.”

  “I didn’t say you did anything bad. I’m saying you did something without asking me first.”

  “Well…yeah…I did that.”

  I raised my eyebrow.

  Her eyes darted to my eyebrow and her throat made the same noise. “Sorry,” she said and lightly touched the top of her chest. “I think I’m parched.”

  “Mhm. Out with it.”

  She sat back in her chair and grabbed a notebook from the desk. “Fine, you win. I talked to Porter and our lawyer and everyone thinks that Dr. Nelson will be staying in prison for the foreseeable future. But we will have to most likely provide testimony if it goes to trial. Which…I’m definitely nervous about. But if they hear directly from one of us it’s more likely to stick. Not the correct legalese, but you get the idea.”

  “It’s okay. I can handle that.”

  “Oh. Good.” But she didn’t look that relieved as she looked back down at the notebook. “We also have a flight to catch in a few hours. So we should probably pack.”

  I was not expecting that. At all. Hadn’t she done enough running? Just when I thought I had her back, she completely reverted to her 19-year-old self again. “Penny, we can’t go anywhere. Liam needs us here. He needs you.”

  “I know. That’s why he’s coming with us. We’ll be flying with him. So we need to go pack.” She looked back down at her notebook and flipped a page, her eyes scanning her notes.

  “Penny, we can’t just up and leave. Liam needs to be in the hospital. He needs the oxygen tubes and the machine that helps him breathe. He needs to be in a sterile environment.”

  “Right, he needs to be in a hospital. Not necessarily that one. James, the answer was right in front of us the whole time. Remember that huge donation you gave The University of New Castle after we left? I remember, because I didn’t think you should have done it. The way they treated us left a sour taste in my mouth, but you did it anyway because you saw the good. It’s where we met. It’s where we fell in love. It was the start of our story.”

  “I remember.”

  “Well, they used that money to expand their curriculum. It helped them improve their medical program. And the best doctor that deals with preemies every day works there. He’s our answer. He can fix Liam. And the best cardiologist in the country was luckily on vacation in Malibu this week. It was easy to get him to change his plans. He’s meeting us there.”

  “I thought you liked your cardiologist?”

  “I trust a doctor in New York as much as I trust those homeless people who pee on the subway.”

  “I don’t think…”

  “And he’s not coming for me. I mean, I’ll have him check out my heart murmur if you’d like. But he’s coming for you.”

  I took a deep breath. “The doctors here have been looking after Liam just fine this whole time. I’m used to them. He’s used to them. We’re not moving him on a whim. And I’m fine. I’ve told you that I’m fine. All of this is completely unnecessary.”

  “You’re not fine, James. You don’t think I’ve seen you stop to catch your breath? You don’t think I’ve seen you wince when you lift something? You’re anything but fine.”

  “Penny…”

  “And it’s not a whim! I’ve spent all morning doing research and making calls.” She flipped to another page in her notebook. “Eighty percent of Dr. Hughes’ patients live past infancy. And…” she looked back down and pointed. “Thirty-seven percent of those patients go on to live normal, healthy lives. I know that number is still low, but…”

  “We’re supposed to talk to Liam’s doctor this morning. Let’s see what he has to say before we…”

  “I’ve already talked to him. His numbers aren’t this high. Not nearly this high.”

  “Penny…”

  “And it’s not just his projections. His hopes aren’t this high. That’s what matters here, James. He doesn’t believe. But Dr. Hughes does. I told him all about our case. He believes in Liam. He thinks he can make our baby better.”

  “When you throw money at someone they’ll tell you whatever you want to hear!” I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. She blinked back tears. She was trying. She was caring. That’s all I had wanted from her in weeks. But moving Liam wasn’t the answer. This wasn’t what he needed. And what happened to being a team? We should have been making these decisions together. Before I told her what I thought, she started talking again.

  “All of its already arranged. Everything’s already booked. Ian’s already agreed to come with us. I have to do this.”

  “You barely know anything about Liam’s condition. You’re still healing yourself. I think we should stay here.”

  “Then you can stay here.” She pulled her notebook to her chest as she stood. “Liam and I are going to Newark. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go pack.”

  “Penny…” I reached out for her, but she dodged my touch. “You promised you wouldn’t leave me again.” My defense was weak. I knew that. But I wasn’t going to have her storm off angry with me. We had time to talk this through.

  “I’m not leaving, James. I’m trying to save our son.” The emotion was gone from her voice. She sounded tired. And defeated.

  “Then have a conversation with me for five minutes instead of shoving statistics down my throat. I’ve been dealing with this problem myself for the past few weeks. I’m used to making the decisions here.”

  “Don’t throw that in my face. You think I’m not upset that I wasn’t there for him? It kills me. Why the hell do you think I’m doing this?”

  I tried to take a slow breath. “If seeing Dr. Hughes is so important, we’ll fly him here. I don’t think Liam should be flying in a helicopter.”

  She wiped beneath her eyes. “He can’t come here. I tried that.”

  “Then we’ll find someone else.”

  “But he’s the best. I’ve never cared about your money. I’ve never wanted fancy things. But i
n this one case I want to use it. This is all I’ll ever ask for. I want to save our son.”

  “I do too. Of course that’s what I want. I just don’t know if this doctor is claiming the impossible. I’ve had other doctors come in to look at Liam. None of them have leapt to Dr. Hughes’ conclusions. I haven’t just been sitting here doing nothing. I’ve been doing my best.”

  “I didn’t…” her voice trailed off. “That’s not what I meant, James. I know you’ve done everything you could.” She closed the distance between us. “I’m sorry.”

  “Me too.” I grabbed one of her hands and squeezed it in mine. “I know that you wanted to be there for him. I didn’t mean to suggest otherwise.”

  She nodded and locked eyes with me. “You know, I remember making a bet with you,” she said.

  I raised my eyebrow. I knew exactly where this was going. She had won the fucking thing. And now she was cashing in. “I remember. You won.”

  “Yeah, I won.” Her voice was shaky. “We had a baby boy.”

  I tried to smile, but it felt like more of a grimace. I thought it was a girl. I really thought we’d have another girl. “You knew it all along.”

  She nodded. “And I get whatever I want? In the whole world?”

  “That was the deal.”

  “I want Liam to live, James.” Her voice cracked. “I want to do whatever it takes for him to be okay.”

  Her words broke my heart. “I don’t know how to give you that. It’s the one thing in the world I don’t know how to give you.”

  She lifted up her notebook. “Dr. Hughes is a specialist that deals with the mental development of preemies. I’m telling you what I want here. I know what Liam needs. It doesn’t matter that I was unconscious for the first two weeks of his life. He grew in my belly for months. I know him. And Dr. Hughes can fix him.”

  “Baby, we don’t know if he’ll live long enough for us to worry about his development.”

  “Yes we do.” A tear fell down her cheek.

  “We don’t.” I felt tears threatening to spill from my own eyes. I had heard all the numbers. I had done this same research. And I had done everything in my power to hold my family together. But I wasn’t strong enough. I needed her. She was the glue that held this family together. She was the strength I lacked. And maybe she did know the answers that I didn’t. Maybe she had found someone that could help Liam.