This Is Love

by Ivy Smoak

  “Yes we do, James. He’s going to live.” There wasn’t a doubt in her voice.

  I wanted to believe her. I desperately wanted her to be right. “You don’t know…”

  “He kicked, James. We had a discussion and he kicked and that means he’s going to stay and fight.”

  All throughout her pregnancy, Penny always claimed that Liam’s constant kicking was him agreeing with her. That they were on the same page. I wasn’t going to deny her this. And I wasn’t going to risk my son’s health because of my stubbornness. “Okay.”

  “Okay? And you’ll come with us?”

  “A bet is a bet.”

  “Thank you, James.” She pressed her face to the side of my chest as she wrapped her arms behind my back. “I’m going to fix everything I broke.”

  And that’s when I realized that she blamed everything that happened on herself. She was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. And I was letting her take it. Because I was tired. And she was right. I wasn’t fine. But I didn’t know how to tell her that. I didn’t know how to tell her that I was having a hard time catching my breath. That my physical therapy wasn’t helping. That I might need to have another surgery soon. We were already worried about our family becoming three instead of four. I didn’t have the strength to tell her that it might become two instead.

  PART 3

  Chapter 13

  Tuesday - Penny

  Scarlett clung to me even tighter as Susan approached us.

  “Hi, darling,” Susan said. She put her hands on her knees and leaned down slightly. She looked stiff and uncertain and definitely didn’t seem to know how to interact with children. And then she put out her hand. Like she was waiting for Scarlett to take it and kiss the back of it.

  I tried to ignore Susan’s oddities. I was on my knees with my arms wrapped around Scarlett, who refused to let go of me. “This is your grandma,” I whispered in Scarlett’s ear. “There’s no reason to be afraid.”

  “I already have a grandma.” She looked up at me with her eyes full of questions.

  “Yeah. But you know how you have two grandpas? My dad and Daddy’s dad?”

  “Yes. I have two grandpas and only one grandma.”

  “Well, that’s the thing, Scar. You have two grandmas too. This is Daddy's mother.”

  “No.” She got really close to my ear and whispered, “It’s the bad Dalmatian lady.”

  I stifled a laugh. Honestly Susan didn’t look anything like Cruella de Vil. She didn’t have half black hair and half white. She wasn’t wearing any fur. I think it was probably more the air that Susan gave off. One of snobby sophistication. And maybe a slight tinge of murderiness. It was hard for me to like her too. But I was trying. For James’ sake, we both had to try.

  “Is she shy?” Susan asked. “That’s a rather unfavorable characteristic. Come here child. I want to meet you.”

  “Actually Scarlett isn’t shy at all. Are you, Scar?” I had been terribly shy growing up. I still was around new people. But my closest friends knew that I was quite talkative around anyone I was comfortable with. I tried to ignore Susan’s snub. This wasn’t about me. This was about our family being put back together. And this was part of that.

  “I don’t know what shy is,” she whispered into my ear.

  My sweet baby girl. I hugged her tightly and kissed the side of her forehead. “It’s okay, go say hi to your other grandma.” I reluctantly let go of her.

  Susan put her hand back out for a friendly shake of some sort.

  But Scarlett ducked under it and hugged her leg.

  For a moment Susan looked like she didn’t know what to do. And I watched in horror as she lifted her hand like she was going to pat my child on the head. Like a dog. But at the last minute she got down onto her knees, in her expensive dress and nylons and hugged my daughter back.

  “Nice to meet you, Grandma,” Scarlett said. “Do you want to see my room? I have lots of stuffies to play with.”

  “Stuffies?”

  “Pandas and monkeys and all the zoo animals.”

  Susan looked up at me for help.

  “Stuffed animals,” I mouthed silently at her.

  “Right. Stuffies. I’d love to see your collection,” Susan said.

  “Okay.” Scarlett slipped her hand into Susan’s and pulled her to the stairs.

  “And you’ll be good for your grandma, Uncle Rob, Aunt Daphne, Aunt Melissa, Uncle Josh, and Ellen?” I called after Scarlett.

  “Yes.” She said it as more of a question than a statement.

  I didn’t feel comfortable leaving her with just James’ mother. Not yet. Maybe one day in the future, but that day wasn’t today. James had insisted that Scarlett stay here in the city. Something about our apartment in Newark not being suitable for children. He did have a point. It was more of a sexy bachelor pad than a nice family home. Tons of sharp corners. Nothing was toddler-proof in the slightest.

  So we had brought in reinforcements. Ellen was already here, which was a relief because Scarlett already viewed her as a grandmother. Rob, Daphne, and Sophie were on their way here to help. Melissa and Josh were exhausted from taking care of her last night. And I was pretty sure Melissa was still scrubbing the makeup off her face that Scarlett had applied. Besides, Rob wanted to introduce Daphne to her mother-in-law anyway. And Sophie to her new grandma. They could have a little reunion while we were away.

  “You all set?” James asked.

  “Mhm. Are you sure you don’t want to bring her with us though?”

  “It’ll be good for her to get acquainted with my mother. Besides, we need some alone time. I have a lot to catch you up on.”

  I looked up at him. He basically just said, “We need to talk.” I was about to ask him what he meant, but Scarlett rushed back into the room.

  “Bye, Daddy.” She flung herself into his arms.

  He peppered her face with kisses, sending her into a fit of giggles. When he set her down she looked up at me.

  “Bye, Mommy.” She squinted her eyes at me. “Promise you’ll come back?”

  I knelt down and hugged her. “I promise, Scar.”

  “And you promise to bring Liam home? I’ve been waiting for him to see his room.”

  “I promise.” I squeezed her tightly. I promise, baby girl.

  ***

  “Let’s head back to our place,” James said. “Dr. Hughes needs some time to go over the lab results. He won’t know anything until morning.”

  All day long I had been in a fit of nerves. First the helicopter ride. I had ended up getting engrossed enough in the story I had written to make the trip go faster. I read the whole thing, up to the words The End. Pieces that were missing had fallen back into place. And I was very aware of the fact that we were going back to the place where we first started. It felt like I’d be seeing it again with new eyes. Maybe more would come back to me. I desperately hoped I’d feel different than I did last time I was in Newark. I had driven there to escape from James. It felt more like I was going home now.

  I'd also been nervous about waiting to meet Dr. Hughes. Then watching him poke and prod my son. And the talk that James wanted to have had never left the back of my mind.

  I looked down at Liam in my arms. I didn’t want to let him go. I didn’t want to go back to the apartment with James and hear whatever he had to say. Because it was bad. I knew it was bad or he would have just told me here.

  “The cardiologist is arriving in the morning as well,” James said. “Let’s go get some rest.”

  He lifted Liam out of my arms without me waiting to respond. He leaned down and whispered something in his ear. Liam squirmed in his grip and it almost looked like he smiled. James gently kissed his forehead.

  I watched the scene with a smile of my own on my face. I was sorry that I wasn’t there for Liam for the first few weeks of his life. But James had it covered. He had showered him with love. Liam hadn’t been alone. I watched James gently place Liam into his incubator. The nurs
e attached all the tubes back to him and gave us a wave goodnight.

  “I think he handled the transport pretty well, right? He doesn’t seem to be any worse. I know you were worried that it wouldn’t be good for him.”

  “He’s strong. I was more worried about getting your hopes up.” James pulled me into his side as we walked out of the NICU. “But this was a good idea. My hopes are up too. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this hopeful, actually.”

  “That’s good.” I looked up at him as we exited the hospital. It seemed like he was telling the truth. He looked happy and relaxed. So what did we need to talk about?

  The hot summer day had turned into a cool night. I closed my eyes for a moment, remembering it feeling just like this the night of that party so long ago. The night that James walked me home. I opened my eyes and stared out at Main Street. Some of the shops were different. Actually, a lot of them were. But our coffee shop still stood there, exactly the same. James had made sure of that.

  I pulled him toward it. “I remember that day so perfectly. When we first met.” I laughed, remembering James trying to reenact the scene to jog my memory. “I remember, James. And not just because I read about it. I really remember. Honestly, I think I remember everything except that last day. And that’s probably for the best, right? So I’m all better.” I wanted to throw my hands in the air to celebrate, but James was staring at me strangely.

  He smiled down at me. But there was something sad in his smile. It didn’t quite reach his eyes.

  “James, what’s wrong? Dr. Hughes sounded optimistic, didn’t he? I know we have to wait for the test results, but…I think it’s going to be good news.”

  “Nothing’s wrong.” He tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

  Lies. Why was he lying? “You said you had something to tell me. What is it?”

  “Let’s head back to the apartment. I think we could both use a drink.”

  In all the years I had been with him, he never said he needed a drink. He certainly never suggested that I needed one. It felt like my stomach turned over. Something was wrong. He was hiding something big from me. And I wasn’t going to wait another second to hear whatever it was. I pulled away from him. “James. Just tell me. You said it yourself, your hopes are up. Everything is looking good. We should be enjoying this moment instead of…” I gestured at him. “Whatever it is you’re doing right now.”

  His sigh was heavy. “I didn’t tell you everything when you woke up. You didn’t remember me. You didn’t remember our family. I didn’t want to add any stress to that equation. But you’re good now. And Liam…Liam…”

  My heart ached. “I talked to Liam’s doctor back in New York. I know about all the issues. And the potential ones down the line. He told me everything. He answered all my questions.”

  “It’s not about Liam. I’m sorry. I was just…trying to find the right words.” He looked nervous and upset.

  The sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach grew. A sinking feeling that felt so familiar. A pain that felt like it was happening in that moment. I cringed.

  “Penny, are you okay?” His voice sounded far away. “Let’s just get you back to the apartment.” He put his hand on my lower back to guide me where he wanted.

  “No.” I pushed him off. “The man I married didn’t rely on substances for the strength to tell me the truth. Whatever it is, just tell me. Tell me, James!”

  “I’m not trying to get you drunk. Jesus.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I just feel like we should both at least be sitting down. I need to sit down.”

  My stomach flipped over again. And everything came back in a flash.

  I opened the door and smiled down at my daughter.

  "Hi, Mommy." She looked up at me in a strange way. As if she were studying me.

  "Hi, Scar, I missed you." I bent down to hug her but she ran past me.

  "Ellie!" she screamed.

  I tried not to show the disappointment on my face. I had told myself that she wanted to hang out with Rob because she missed her father and wanted to hang out with another male in James' absence. But that wasn't the case. She seemed perfectly content as Ellen picked her up.

  "Hi, sweet girl," Ellen said. "Did you have fun at the office?"

  "Yes! I got to play with the copy machine."

  I glanced at Rob.

  He shrugged his shoulders.

  "Come in," I said. "I hope she wasn't a nuisance."

  "Nah, it was fun. Soph never wants to come to work with me. Everyone doted on her all morning. They couldn't stop talking about her beautiful red hair."

  "Mhm." I looked over at Scar. Ellen was taking her upstairs to play. Ellen could entertain her for hours, yet she didn't want to spend one minute alone with me.

  "James called last night to say goodnight to Scarlett. And he may have mentioned that you needed this."

  I smiled and grabbed the grocery bag that I hadn't noticed. "I love you so much, Rob." I pulled out the pint of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream. "Do you want some?"

  "I've never turned down ice cream before."

  We walked into the kitchen and I grabbed two spoons. "Did you already have lunch? I'm sure we have something more substantial to go with this."

  "We grabbed hot dogs on the way here. Scarlett insisted."

  "Of course she did." We made our way into the family room. I took the top off the ice cream container as I sat down on the couch, and then I took a huge bite. "God, it's everything I've been craving and more."

  Rob laughed as he took a bite. "It's good, but it's not orgasmic, Penny."

  I shook my head and laughed. "It's all I've been craving since the wedding." I put my hand on the center of my chest.

  "Hey, are you okay?"

  "I'm fine." I immediately removed my hand and took another bite. "I just have indigestion or something." I frowned at my own words. I had barely eaten anything in the past two days. What would I be having indigestion from? "Being pregnant sucks."

  Rob laughed. "Daphne's getting into that phase too. Pregnant women. Ugh."

  I lightly shoved his shoulder and tried not to wince at the pain that had now shifted to my stomach.

  "Seriously, are you okay? You look really pale."

  "Nothing a little ice cream can't fix." I took another bite and forced myself to swallow. Now I felt incredibly nauseous. "So what deal was James trying to land?"

  Rob laughed. "How should I know?"

  I set the pint of ice cream down on the coffee table. "Rob, you're the CEO. Shouldn't you know everything that's going on?" I smiled at him.

  "Yeah, and I do." He said it a little defensively.

  "Okay, so what deal is James trying to get for Hunter Tech in London?"

  "I have no idea what you're talking about." Another pain shot through my stomach and I leaned forward slightly. "You asked him to go to London."

  "What? No, I didn't. He's not there for Hunter Tech."

  Ow. "What do you mean? Why else would he go to London?"

  "I don't know. I thought it was for the university."

  "He's not teaching an abroad program." I laughed awkwardly. "Seriously, Rob, why was he in London?"

  "I don't know. But the paparazzi probably do." He picked up his phone and typed something in. He lowered both his eyebrows.

  "What?" I asked.

  "Nothing." He tried to move his phone away from me but I grabbed it.

  He had done a Google image search. There were tons of images of James dining with some woman at an outdoor restaurant. Some gorgeous woman with long, brunette hair and skin that was too tan for London's dreary climate. "Who is this woman?" I asked.

  "I don't know, I've never seen her before."

  I laughed. "Is this some kind of weird joke, Rob? One of your pranks?" I stared at him hopefully and tried to ignore the pain in my chest. What the fuck was James doing with some beautiful woman in London? And why had he lied to me about it?

  "I'm sure there's an innocent explanation," R
ob said. "He should be back pretty soon, right?"

  I glanced at the clock. "In about an hour."

  "I should probably get back to work." Rob abruptly stood up.

  "Rob."

  He seemed to cringe.

  "Is he cheating on me?"

  Rob laughed. "No, of course not. He wouldn't." But there was doubt in his voice. Suspicion. And maybe, just maybe, a small hint of anger. I just didn't know if it was directed at me or his brother.

  "Rob? If you know something you have to tell me." I stood up and immediately hunched forward.

  "Penny?"

  I felt his hands on my shoulders. "Ow." I put my hand on my stomach. I didn't realize I had said it out loud. But by the look on Rob's face, I definitely had.

  "Penny, are you alright?"

  "No." I shook my head. "I'm going to be sick."

  "Okay...just..." his voice trailed off as he ran into the kitchen.

  Fuck. I grabbed my stomach.

  Rob came back just in time with a bowl.

  I sat down on the carpet and threw up. Every little bit that was left in my stomach barely covered the bottom of the bowl.

  He ran his hand up and down my back. "Do you want me to get Ellen?"

  I shook my head. "No. I don't want Scar to see me like this." I leaned over the bowl again. My stomach still ached, but nothing else seemed to want to come up.

  Rob handed me a paper towel.

  "I'm so sorry." I wiped my mouth off.

  "I'm the one that should be apologizing. The ice cream I brought made you sick."

  "No, it's probably just really late morning sickness. I'm fine." Fuck, it hurts.

  "I think I should take you to the doctor."

  I shook my head. "Rob," I said and looked up at him. "Is James having an affair? Tell me he's not. Please." It felt like my heart was ripping in two. Something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong.