This Is Love

by Ivy Smoak

  "No." He said it firmly this time. The doubt was gone. And then I felt it. A wetness surrounding me. It was too soon. Panic started to weigh on top of the searing pain in my stomach. "My water broke," I croaked. Two months too early. I felt tears welling in my eyes.

  "Shit," Rob said. "I'll get Ellen."

  "No. Scar can't see me like this." I grabbed his leg. "Help me up. William will take me to the hospital."

  "Penny..."

  "Please, Rob. Scar already thinks I'm weak. She can't see me like this." I tried to blink away the tears. "I don't want her to see me like this." I leaned over in pain.

  Rob pulled out his cell phone. "My sister-in-law's water just broke," he said into the cell phone. "Twenty minutes, are you fucking kidding me?" He hung up the phone. "Okay, I'm going to help you up." He leaned down and grabbed my hands.

  I grimaced in pain. "Something's wrong. It's too soon." It didn't feel the way it had when my water broke when I was pregnant with Scarlett. Everything felt wrong.

  "It's okay," Rob said as he slowly helped me to my feet. But then something in his face changed. Horror. Dread. Agony. They swept over his features in a flash.

  I suddenly felt faint and I teetered forward slightly.

  "Ellen!" he yelled at the top of his lungs. "Ellen, call William and tell him to get the car started!"

  I winced in pain. Why was he calling for her? I had just asked him not to.

  Ellen came running down the stairs and gasped. The look of horror on her face matched Rob's.

  I followed her trail of vision and stared down at the pool of blood at my feet. Seeping into the carpet. Dripping down my legs. The blood was everywhere.

  "You're okay," Rob said as he scooped me up into his arms and started running. "You're going to be okay."

  But I wasn't. I just knew I wasn't. Because the pain in my stomach was growing worse by the second. And my son wasn't kicking me. He wasn't fucking kicking me.

  "Christ!" Rob yelled as he slammed his fist against the elevator button.

  Porter and Briggs ran out of their office down the hall.

  "What happened?" Porter asked. He reached out to take me from Rob.

  I grabbed the collar of Rob's shirt. I didn't want him to let me go.

  "I've got her," Rob said.

  "This way then," Porter said and ran toward the staircase.

  "I'll call James," Briggs said and ran back to their office.

  I closed my eyes. Each step downwards on the stairs made my stomach ache more. I heard a car door open and close.

  I heard the squeal of the tires. Cursing. I had never felt more weak. It felt like the life was draining out of my body. And not just my son's. My own. My heartbeat seemed to slow. A chill entered my bloodstream. It felt like the coolness was pulsing through my whole body.

  "It's okay," Rob said. "We're almost there." I was vaguely aware of the fact that he hadn't set me down in the back seat. That he was cradling me in his arms. Like he knew if he let go, I'd be gone.

  "Take care of him," I said.

  "Penny." His hand on my cheek felt scalding hot.

  "Promise me you'll take care of him."

  "You're going to be alright. Everything's okay."

  I looked up at his face. It was wet with tears. I had seen him cry once before. When James had gotten shot. When we thought we might lose him. And I knew it then. He thought I was going to die. I thought I was going to die. And I felt the death in my stomach. I felt it rip my heart in two.

  "Promise me." My voice came out as a whisper.

  He shook his head.

  "Take care of Scarlett."

  "Penny..."

  "Take care of my family."

  "We're almost there," he said.

  "I'm scared." I tried to grab his hand, but my grip was too weak. The pain was easing as the feeling of ice spread. It was peaceful. Like my body was trying to comfort me as I slipped. As it became harder to breathe. "I'm so scared," I whispered.

  "Penny, open your eyes."

  I tried, but I couldn't.

  "Penny, you're not allowed to leave us. Do you hear me? Open your eyes, okay?"

  But I couldn't. I couldn't do it.

  "Please."

  The desperation in his voice pained me. But I couldn't frown. I couldn't move at all.

  "Fucking open your eyes!"

  The memory disappeared as quickly as it had come. I took a deep breath and tried to swallow down the agony. This whole time James had been saying it was better if I hadn’t remembered that day. And that was why. He hadn’t been there when I needed him. He’d been with someone else.

  James was looking at me with concern etched on his face. I stared into the depths of his dark brown eyes. Once I thought that they swirled with secrets. But now? It was love in his eyes. It had been for so long. I stared at the small crinkles by his eyes that I loved so much. The stubble on his jaw. His lips that kissed me goodnight. That told me I was his one and only. That I willingly believed.

  “Is everything okay?” he asked.

  No. I swallowed hard. You cheated on me. How could you cheat on me? That’s what he wanted to talk about. It had to be. That’s why he looked guilty. He was right, I would need a drink to hear the specifics. Because I didn’t understand why he’d do it. But I also knew that I didn’t want to hear about it at all. If he did it and it was over…I could live with that, right? I could forgive him. I searched his face. “Whatever it is you want to talk about…can it wait? Until after Liam is better? I can’t do this right now. Or maybe not at all.” I bit the inside of my lip. “Not at all. Definitely. I don’t want to know.”

  “Penny, it’s important. I should have told you sooner, but I was worried…”

  “It’s okay. It’s okay.” I hugged him, pressing the side of my face against his chest. I listened to his steady heartbeat. It’s going to be okay. My life without him would be meaningless and without purpose. I needed him. I’d take whatever part of him he’d offer. And besides, he came back to me. He fought so hard to win me over the past few weeks. He was there with me every moment. Except for when you went into labor and he was with another woman. When you really needed him and only his brother was there. Stop.

  It didn’t matter. He wouldn’t have tried to help me remember if he wasn’t sorry. He could have left. He could have never come back. But he was here. Right here. Holding me. I squeezed him tighter and then pulled away. “Are you hungry? I’m hungry. We should get pizza. And I think I will take that drink.”

  His Adam’s apple rose and then fell. “Okay. Grottos sounds perfect to me too.” He tucked me into his side and guided us toward my favorite pizza joint.

  I wanted to be happy that my memories were all intact. That we were here to help Liam. That for just one moment, everything had been so normal. I never even realized how much I craved normalcy until a minute ago. But all I could focus on now was the thought of James’ infidelities. Was it just that once? More?

  All I knew for sure was that he didn’t want me to remember the day that I had Liam. That it would be for the best. So why was he going to bring it up now? I could keep pretending like I didn’t remember. I’d pretend my whole life if it meant he still wanted me. I kept trying to push the memory aside. To let it go. To stomp on it and set it on fire and burn it to hell. But it just sat there. Right at the forefront of my thoughts. Stop.

  A hostess guided us to our table. She was probably a college student, still here for the summer. Most likely as young as I had been when I met James. I stared daggers at her.

  “Thanks,” James said as she showed us to our seats. He smiled at her before she walked away.

  Was James checking her out? It seemed like he was checking her out. Who smiles at a stranger so sincerely? Would he sneak out of our apartment tonight and come back to her? It felt like I had a knife in my heart. Slowly twisting. Was this how it would always be now? Me wondering what if?

  “Penny, I really need to get this off my chest.” He reached across the table and
lowered the menu from my hands.

  “To make you feel better? Or is this for me?” I wasn’t sure where the question came from. But it was true. This wasn’t about me. He’d feel better if he admitted it. I wouldn’t. I’d feel like fucking shit.

  He opened his mouth and then closed it again. “Both.”

  I stared at him. If that was true, maybe I was wrong about what this was about. What if where he was the day I went into labor was a misunderstanding? I stared into his eyes. “You’re sure about that?”

  He shook his head and it looked like he was gazing behind me, lost in thought. “It would make me feel better. I don’t like keeping things from you.”

  That already felt like a confession to me. “Is whatever you have to say going to hurt me?”

  He looked pained. “I’m sorry, Penny.”

  The waiter walked over and asked if we were ready to order. James immediately sent him away before I could even open my mouth.

  I stared at my husband. It didn’t seem like he was going to let this go. The confession was tearing him apart. He looked more tired than ever. He looked the way I felt. Defeated. Truly and utterly defeated.

  “James, if getting this secret off your chest is only going to benefit you, I don’t want to hear it,” I said.

  “But you need to know.”

  “I don’t want to know. Can’t you talk to your therapist about this instead of me? Get it off your chest with him? And we can just keep…living. We can pretend everything is normal until it becomes normal again.”

  The pain in his eyes seemed to sharpen as he stared at me. The vulnerability was gone. Now he just looked pissed at me. “I want to talk to my wife. Not a stranger.”

  “Dr. Green is hardly a stranger. You’ve been seeing him for longer than I’ve known you. He can help you work through this, right?”

  “I haven’t been seeing him for the past few weeks.”

  “Why?”

  “Because there’s no point.” Everything that came out of my mouth just made him angrier. “Penny, you can’t just hide from the truth no matter how much it hurts. This isn’t just about me. It’s about you too.”

  “Really? It’s about me? So it’s my fault?” Asshole.

  “What? That’s not…”

  “God, James. All I’ve ever done was love you.”

  “I know. And all I’ve ever done was love you.” He reached for my hands across the table, but I pulled mine onto my lap.

  “You have a funny way of showing it.”

  He sighed, like talking to me was the most exhausting thing he ever had to do. “Penny, I know this is going to be hard to hear. But we need to make the proper plans just in case. For the sake of the children. For your sake too.”

  “For my sake?” I realized I had raised my voice and that people were starting to stare. I leaned forward and hissed, “Are you fucking kidding me? My sake, James? If you had been thinking about me at all you never would have let any of this happen.”

  He stared at me. “I’ve done the best that I could. But my heart hasn’t been the same since our wedding day. You know that. I know we’ve never talked about it, but you knew that. You had to have known that.”

  I’m pretty sure my mouth was hanging open. It reminded me of something Isabella had said to me once. That he was only interested in the chase. That once he got my heart, he’d get bored and move on to the next thing. The next rush of adrenaline. The next fix. “You don’t love me anymore.” I didn’t ask it like a question. If what he was saying was true, it was a fact. James’ heart didn’t belong to me anymore. He’d been slipping away ever since our wedding day.

  “What? No, that’s not…”

  “Just stop. I know, okay? I know. And…I don’t want to know any more. I saw the picture. Her face is already burned my brain. So whatever specifics you have, keep them to yourself.”

  “Who are you talking about? What picture?”

  “That tan brunette woman you were with in London. You weren’t with me when I went into labor. I was so scared and you weren’t there. But you more than made it up to me the past few weeks. So I forgive you. Let’s just move past this.” I was grasping at straws. He had made it pretty clear that we were done. But I couldn’t accept that. I just couldn’t. I picked up the menu and stared at it even though I already knew the whole thing by heart. And all I ever ordered was cheese pizza. Boring. No wonder he didn’t love me anymore. I wasn’t exciting or alluring or anything. I was just…me.

  “You remembered? When did you remember that?”

  “Outside. Right before we came in here. So you don’t have to fill in the details. You cheated on me. But you’re here now. That’s all that matters.” If that was true, why had I started crying? Why did it feel like he was slipping away from me before he even utter the words divorced?

  “I wasn’t in London cheating on you.”

  A strangled laugh escaped my lips. “There’s no point in lying to me now. Isn’t that what you’ve been trying to get off your chest? You made me pull it from you. And now here we are. What am I supposed to do with that?” What the fuck am I going to do with the rest of my life? I was moments away from bursting into tears or holding a knife to our innocent hostess’ throat if he glanced over my shoulder one more freaking time.

  “I’d never cheat on you.”

  “I remembered everything, James. Why are you backpedaling now? And I was wrong, I do need to know. What was it exactly that made you do it? Was it something that I did? I feel like I’ve given you everything I possibly could.” If I wasn’t enough for him…no matter how much I didn’t want him to go…how could I possibly ask him to stay?

  “You have.” That was all he said. Like it was enough. It still looked like his mind was far away. Like he didn’t care about this conversation at all, even though it was slowly killing me.

  “Then what were you doing in London?” I asked. “Why were the tabloids covered in pictures of the two of you? What could possibly whisk you away from me during the last trimester of my pregnancy? Especially when you claimed to be so worried about my health.” What a joke. Our whole life together was a lie.

  He shook his head. But didn’t say anything at all.

  “None of this even makes sense. Getting married shouldn’t have changed how you felt about me. You wanted to be married. You proposed to me, not the other way around. If you didn’t want me, why did you propose? Why?”

  Nothing. He had nothing to say.

  I shook my head. “It’s my fault. I kept postponing our wedding. I wanted to move to New York City first and settle in. I wanted to finish school. I kept delaying it…making you love the chase even more.”

  I couldn’t read his expression. Maybe he wasn’t saying anything because he thought I had lost my mind. Or maybe he just cared that little. He had checked out of this conversation five minutes ago. He wasn’t even humoring my questions with responses. He was just staring at me.

  “And all those times you’ve been possessive and jealous? Was that just a show? I can’t even count how many times you’ve been a jerk to Tyler for no reason at all. And no wonder. Because your idea of a marriage has blurred lines. So of course you assumed he was cheating on Hailey with me. Because that’s what you would do. You son of a bitch.” I grabbed a drink off a waiter’s passing tray and threw the contents into James’ face.

  He looked surprised, but still said nothing as the liquid dropped from his stupid perfect eyelashes.

  “Tell yourself whatever you have to in order to not turn to a new vice. Because despite what a prick you are, my heart never changed. I’ve always loved you, you stupid fucking ass-hat. Have fun with the brunette.” I stormed out of the restaurant before I burst into tears.

  Chapter 14

  Tuesday - James

  She thought I cheated on her. I watched the whole scene unfold like I wasn’t even there. As soon as I realized what she thought I was going to discuss, I didn’t even try to correct her. I let her believe it. My chest hurt. She was r
ight. Not about the cheating, but about why I didn’t want her to remember the day she went into labor. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. She was in pain and I wasn’t even in the country.

  But cheating on her? Not a chance in hell. Never. I couldn’t even imagine being with another woman. Penny meant everything to me.

  I watched her disappear out the front doors of the restaurant. And still I did nothing. I just sat there trying to think of the best way to approach this situation. I grabbed a napkin and wiped off my face. Luckily Penny had grabbed a glass of water instead of a sticky soda or cocktail.

  People were staring at me. The whole restaurant had erupted in whispers. I could have run after her. I could have at least walked out and away from the rumors that were already spreading like wildfire.

  But I couldn’t move. All I could think about was that maybe this was for the best. My chest hurt all the time. Some nights I’d wake up clutching my chest like my heart was about to explode. I knew something wasn’t right. My cardiologist had mentioned another surgery. He had mentioned the risks. That’s what I wanted to talk to her about tonight. I had to tell her what was going on with me.

  I looked down at the wet napkin clutched in my hand. Would it be easier for Penny this way though? If I died with her hating me? I didn’t want to die alone. I pictured her by my bedside holding my hand. Not far away cursing the day I was ever born. I couldn’t imagine her telling our children that I was a cheat. A liar. A bad husband and father. And I couldn’t live another second without her by my side anyway. I cared more about her than life itself.

  What the fuck am I doing? I stood up and threw the napkin down on the table. Penny needed to know the truth. No matter how much it hurt. No matter how much it pained both of us. I couldn’t face this alone. And we needed more time. Time to enjoy our life together. Just more…time. I wasn’t ready to run out of it.

  I ran out of the restaurant and looked both ways on Main Street. Where had she gone? A drop of rain fell on the tip of my nose. I glanced up as the sky opened and it began to pour.