Unequivocally His in Lockdown

by Meg MacRose

  She looked up to share the good news with Jake, but he was fast asleep. Slumped across the cane chair.

  He looked relaxed, not the busy CEO she knew he was, nor Steven’s snappy judgemental brother. Just relaxed.

  Deep down she knew he hadn’t meant to offend her. Not anymore. They were past that. But his words highlighted that she was in too deep. That she liked him too much.

  Maybe her sisters were right. Perhaps perceived love was a fake product of the pandemic.

  Lockdown Day 5

  Tansy

  Tansy couldn’t sleep. She lay in the king-sized bed and listened to the rain drum against the roof. It was still early; the sun was barely up. She stretched out in the empty oversized bed. The first thing she’d noticed when she woke up was that she was alone. Jake hadn’t joined her in the night. She’d covered him with a blanket and left him snoring on the cane chair. She’d half expected him to clamber upstairs to bed, though. It had taken the best part of an hour to decide whether it was still appropriate to sleep in his bed. The bed had won. Mainly because she didn’t want to sleep on the sofa, and it felt weird walking into one of the spare bedrooms.

  She checked her phone and responded to her mum’s message, careful to keep her words general. Stevie’s messages had multiplied. He could wait.

  Right Tansy. Big pants on. She couldn’t hide away up here indefinitely.

  She made her way down the stairs. There was definitely movement in the kitchen. She sniffed. Pizza.

  He was making coffee. His hair was damp, and he’d changed his clothes. For someone who was no doubt suffering from a hangover, he looked far too spritely.

  “Good morning.” For the first time since she had stayed here, she overcame with shyness and doubt. A ball of butterflies fluttered around inside her.

  “Good morning.” He stopped what he was doing with the microwave and held out a coffee for her. “Take this as a peace offering. Did you sleep well?”

  “Sure. How was the cane chair?”

  “Awful. The crink in my neck is terrible. Remind me to replace those chairs with something far more practical!”

  She gave a slight laugh. Her nerves were calming down with normal chatter. She pulled out a stool and perched up at the breakfast bar.

  “I’m sorry. Really sorry. About how I spoke about you to my family. And for getting drunk last night.”

  She shrugged. “You weren’t far off target though. We made no promises to each other. Neither of us ever expected this situation.”

  “You’re too nice.”

  “No. You made coffee. That usually solves any issues first thing in the morning.” She looked up over her coffee and smiled at him. Not a wide gleaming smile, but a cautious one.

  “Thanks. I’ll remember that.”

  “Besides, we’re stuck here until London comes out of these strict restrictions. We don’t know if I’ll be here for one week or one month. So, it’s pointless being antsy with each other. We’ll not survive.”

  “You’re very sensible.”

  “My sisters called last night. They had some excellent advice for me!”

  “Your sisters? I don’t remember them.”

  “They’re younger.”

  “Hats off to the sisters then!”

  Tansy shrugged.

  “Where does this leave us?” He asked hesitantly.

  Tansy watched as he pulled out leftover pizza from the microwave onto a large plate.

  “We continue as we were. No promises.”

  “And sex?”

  She nodded. “That’s pretty much all we have is the sex.” She blushed. She’d not be able to survive staying here and knowing that he was in the next room and not available.

  “What does that make us?”

  “Whatever it made us before yesterday. What is it the millennials call it? Friends with benefits? Fuck buddies? Anything you want to call it.”

  His smile didn’t reach his eyes.

  Tansy watched him as he walked around to her and wrapped his arms around her.

  She wanted to melt in his arms. But something held her back, keeping her body taut.

  “I’m sorry, Tanse. I really am. I didn’t mean to insult you yesterday.”

  “It’s fine. Honest it is. I mean, yes, it hurt. But after I spoke with my sisters, and thought things through, I realised that I need nothing more.”

  “That’s far too philosophical for me.”

  “I bet. That was a lot of whiskey you drank.”

  His lips were warm on her forehead as they dropped a quick kiss. She resisted all temptation to lift her head up to his.

  “Yeah. Not my best moment, that’s for sure.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” His eyes bore down on her face, his arms still looped around her shoulders.

  “I’m fine.”

  “Why does it feel like we’ve just taken a step back in our relationship?”

  She almost choked on her response. She sucked a breath in, and when her nerves were steady, she looked him in the eyes. “News flash. We don’t have a relationship. We’re stuck together and making the best that we can. We shag a lot. But that’s no relationship.”

  The look of pain that passed his face hit her in her insides. She’d never seen him so vulnerable and raw.

  “Tanse, if I could rewind the last 24 hours, I would.”

  She couldn’t answer him, but did everything to hold his gaze.

  “Remember?” He whispered. “I sat where you are now. You were helping me connect my laptop, sitting on my knee. We all but made love.” His fingers stroked her cheek with a bewildered gentleness that she never expected. “Now we’re like strangers. Worse than strangers, we’re guarded. I don’t know what you want me to be.”

  “I don’t know either.” She answered honestly. “We seem to connect in the bed, but other than that, I don’t know where I stand with you, or where you stand with me.”

  “Life was much simpler with just the two of us, stuck here together. The rest of the world locked out. I can’t really explain why I said what I said. It was a dumb thing to say.”

  “Yep.” Her heart stung. She couldn’t disagree with him.

  “I think I was trying to rile Steven. You’re his friend. You always have been. I was being flippant for him, not for you.”

  “You know that’s dumb too. He’s your brother. He’s always respected you and looked up to you.”

  “Has he?”

  “Of course, he has. It’s always been me who was ready to insult you. You used to tease me something bad. He always defended you, even when you were in the wrong!”

  “Was I that awful to you?”

  “Yep. It was the basis of our relationship. Mutual dislike.”

  “And do you think I have disliked you since you came here?”

  “At the wedding? Definitely.” She paused as she looked into his face, trying to determine what he was thinking. “Afterwards? Probably less so. Maybe it’s that love-hate thing you often hear in songs?”

  He planted another quick kiss on her forehead before pulling out the stool next to her.

  She watched in confusion as he pulled his plate of pizza over.

  “Want some?”

  She shook her head and pointed to her coffee.

  “Brilliant choice. Even cold, it’s good.”

  He wolfed down a slice. “Sorry, I was starving.” He took a sip of his coffee. “I don’t think it’s been a love-hate thing. Not these last few days.”

  She crinkled her brow. What was it they had then?

  He didn’t love her. That, she was certain. Maybe it was indifference. The thought saddened her. His apathy was a realistic thought, but not one that she desired.

  “You’ve caused me a lot of trepidation, you know?” He bit into another slice of pizza. “Initially, I think I wanted you because you were unattainable. You were Steven’s bestie. Besides, as you said, we’d never liked each other.”

  She waited for him to continue. Her patience had wo
rn thin as he paused yet again to take another bite of the goddamned pizza.

  “Then, it was less about Steven and more about you. You and me. When we make love, it’s incredible. Breathtakingly so. The more time I spent with you, the more I …”

  He paused again, ready to devour another slice.

  “Honestly, can you talk first and eat later? This is taking forever. You’re killing me!”

  “Oops. Sorry.” He returned his pizza slice back to the keyboard and turned to face her. “What I wanted to say is that every time I do this …” He stroked her face, sparking a trail of fire on her cheek.

  “Or do this.” His other hand stroked her bare arm, giving her goose bumps.

  He had declared nothing she didn’t already know. That their pleasure was physical.

  “Then…”

  “Shhh.” She stood up and silenced his mouth with her own. He tasted of peperoni and coffee. “There’s no need to dissect it. It’s fine.” She took his mouth again with her own, her hands locking behind his head.

  “But…”.

  “Shhh.”

  He slid off his own stool, kicking it behind him. His arms wrapped around her body. The ecstasy of his warm body entwined with hers was also tangled with a hint of sadness and desire.

  He pulled back. His face was inscrutable. His eyes blazed. “Make no mistake, Tansy. I want you.”

  “I want you too,” she whispered.

  His gaze swept over her, searching, assessing. “This time together is just about us. The others don’t matter. Just us, now, here.”

  “I know.” She lifted her chin and met his gaze directly. “I know what this is, Jake. We’re in unchartered times, for probably a brief period. Despite our history, we have this attraction. There’re no promises, no regrets, nothing but this.” She stroked his strong erection.

  “Yes,” Jake responded slowly.

  The problem was, deep inside she wanted promises. She wanted more.

  * * *

  Jake

  He was losing her, and he couldn’t even say it surprised him. Ella had been right, his words had hurt her yesterday. This happened when you didn’t have the balls to resolve it. When you don’t talk.

  He didn’t want them to go back to a wham-bam-whack-it-in type relationship. What they had was special.

  Jake could not remember a time when he’d enjoyed a woman’s company like this. It was more than shagging; it was their banter. It was the mundane day-to-day things that became infinitely more exciting with her at his side.

  They’d walked around the heath for an hour this morning. The one hour of outdoor exercise that the lockdown allowed them. He had taken her hand. It felt so natural that he didn’t even think about it at first, he’d just slid his hand into hers. Their fingers had entwined. She didn’t resist. Didn’t even mention it. They spent the rest of their walk joking about old friends in common and enjoying the natural beauty around them.

  Was this love? What on earth was love, anyway? But he knew that he needed her to know that he cherished her. He’d been telling himself for days that whatever they had was only for the duration of the lockdown, Jake knew that he’d been kidding himself.

  This wasn’t a wham-bam-whack-in then say goodbye when it’s all over.

  What they had was special.

  He needed Tansy to know that he wanted her to be part of his life for the indeterminable future. He wanted to go to sleep with her in his bed. Or in hers. Wherever they were. He wanted to wake up with her in the morning, provide her with the best coffee he could get. He wanted what other couples had. Go to concerts or the cinema. Lengthy walks along the heath together.

  Jake placed his empty wineglass back on the table. His insides churned. He wanted Tansy to be part of his life, and he wanted it broadcast across the world. However, she was slipping away from him every second. Not physically. Based on what they’d just shared, they’d always have a physical relationship. But emotionally. The connection they’d had yesterday morning wasn’t the same as their relationship this morning. He needed resolution. He needed to explain to her. And she had to listen.

  “I think perhaps I am tired,” she whispered. Her face was pale and drawn. Her fingers trembled as she placed her napkin back on the table and rose from her seat. “Maybe it would be a better idea if I slept in one of the spare rooms.”

  Before he lost her anymore, he rose from the table and took her elbow as he steered her from the dining room through to the conservatory.

  She shuddered under his touch. “You need not do this. It’s okay, Jake. I don’t need any false declarations that you don’t believe in. I’d rather continue our relationship based on truth, not fairy tales.”

  Tansy turned to face him. “I think I should go to bed. Let tomorrow be another day,” she said as her voice wobbled and her chin held high and proud.

  His fingers itched to massage that tension from her drawn out tired eyes. He wanted to hear her laugh again.

  “Please don’t,” he commanded far more forcibly than he intended. Tansy blinked with surprise, then set her jaw. She didn’t like the way he had spoken. And he didn’t blame her as she stepped away.

  “Please,” he exploded out. “I don’t want this between us anymore. I need you to listen to me.”

  She hesitated, and he walked towards her and took her hands in his own.

  “Please, just listen to me for a moment. If you still want to stay in your own room, then I won’t stop you. I promise,” he said hoarsly. His heart reverberated painfully in his chest.

  Tansy nibbled on her lip. Her eyes were wide as they searched his face. Finally, she nodded. “All right.”

  He led her over to the cane chairs and she sat down. He manoeuvred his chair around so he was closer to her. So they were nearly face to face. He needed her to see him. There was too much raw energy surging through him. He wasn’t sure how he’d go at staying in the seat.

  “I don’t want you to think it’s all about sex. Between us. I mean, it’s amazing. But it’s not all there is.”

  The words fractured from him. The confession didn’t come easy to him. He’d never done this before. But he had to.

  For the first time in his life, he had to make a stand. This wasn’t about doing what was right for his family. He had to make sure that the gorgeous woman in front of him knew that he was hers. For as long as she wanted. In this moment of intense vulnerability, he was feeling strong. This is how she made him feel. She gave him strength.

  “I don’t want you to sleep in another room.”

  “I really think it’s better. Give us some space. We can still, you know… we can still shag and stuff during the day. However, at night we have our own space.” Her voice was soft and sad. “It’s too complicated otherwise.”

  “I know. This is strange for both of us,”. He clasped her icy hands in his own. “Tansy, I’m not great long-term material. But I need you to know what I said yesterday. It was all lies. It was my defence when Steven pointed out that you were too good for me. And it hit a nerve. Because he’s right.” He paused for a second as he tried to get his mashed up thoughts into some logical sequence. “I felt guilty and hurt. But I want something more than just being fuck buddies, or whatever else you call it. I want to be something real. I mean, I want us to be something real.” He corrected himself. “A relationship where we plan to be together beyond lockdown. Where we both believe in it. Believe in ourselves.”

  Tears sparkled in her eyes and she clung to his hands. “I don’t know what we’ll be like when we’re out of lockdown. Maybe we won’t like each other? Like before.”

  “We won’t know unless we try. I believe in an ‘us’. We can make this work. I know we can. Our lives might be separate, but there are so many things we have in common. It’s okay that we don’t know everything yet. I won’t ask you to drop everything and live here.” He squeezed her hands, hoping that the vulnerability in his heart could be felt.

  When she didn’t respond, he continued his desperate
ramblings. “You have your flat. But between our places, we can be together. I want you to be happy. You’re welcome here, and I want you to be part of my life. In bed and out of it. I want to introduce you to my friends. Tell my family and not try to hide what you mean to me.” He held his breath, his tirade complete, waiting for her to speak.

  “I want that too,” she finally said. Her voice was hesitant, like she wasn’t sure of him.

  “I know my words yesterday killed the moment. And Mother, god I could strangle her sometimes. With you, I’ve let your friendship with my brother disturb me more than I should have.”

  He wiped the tear from her cheek. “I should have manned up yesterday instead of downing a bottle of whiskey. It’s not an excuse, but this whole relationship thing is unchartered waters for me, just as this pandemic is.” His free hand framed her face. “I know it might be hard, and we’ll probably argue. But think of the make-up sex!”

  Tansy gazed up at him, her eyes filled with tears. They mirrored the fragile hope that he held onto. “Yes,” she said. “I want that too.” And then, as Jake’s heart trembled with joy, she leaned forward and pressed her lips against his.

  She pulled back and “I’m not sure that I’m ready for your mother to know that we’re a couple. Not yet, anyway.”

  “Hopefully lockdown goes on a little longer than. Because as soon as we’re out, you my dear Tansy will attend every family party at my side. And just watch them dare question your role in my life. I will prove to you and to them I am committed to you.”

  The End.

  The End ... or is it?

  Thank you for reading Unequivocally His in Lockdown. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing about Tansy and Jake. I would really appreciate you leaving a review . Even if it is only a few words.

  Your review will help others love it too and encourage me to finish Undeniably His In Lockdown - how can Immy survive surviving Lockdown with her husband whom she hasn’t seen for a decade? After 10 years of separated bliss, their paths inextricably cross. Only this time, she is undeniably his.