The No Contact Rule

by Natalie Lue

  -- Don’t make any declarations of feelings.

  -- Don’t say anything inappropriate that displays overfamiliarity and use this discussion as an opportunity to flush out their position.

  -- Do take them at their word until they show otherwise if they say that they’re willing to put your involvement aside.

  -- Do start looking for another job and weighing up your legal options if they show their arse and make clear that they’re going to make your life difficult or that it’s only going to end on their say-so. If you need time to get organised, use tips from the Get Out Plan chapter.

  But I’m Their Boss!

  I’m going to assume that if you’ve gone to the trouble of reading this book then you’re likely in over your head and wondering how to extricate yourself out of this situation. Some people in your position are ruthless and mercenary and would think nothing of wielding their power and doing whatever it takes to get this person away from them, but that’s not only the cowardly way to deal with things, it’s a tad illegal to say the least.

  Depending on what type of work setup you’re in – sole trader and they’re a contractor, small company with a HR person, two person company, big company, partner, manager, director or whatever – this may feel very close to home and a threat to your business/livelihood/reputation and this in itself can blind you and cause you to do and say things that you may later come to regret.

  As the boss or certainly the one in a more senior position, you do need to consider your overall legal obligations as an employer, or your contractual obligations as an employee, or even whatever has been agreed between you both in a contract. The best thing to do, which is not always the easy thing to do, is to keep everything above board because trying to pay someone off under the table, making their life difficult or asking them to look for another role could get you into hot water. Sure they might be the type of person who goes “OK then” and shuffles off with their tail between their legs, but most people won’t and even if they do, not only might they still come back at a later point and rightfully pursue a complaint against you, but if you do something shady now in the way that you handle this, it just paves the way to more shadiness. It will catch up with you because when you stop caring about your integrity, you will get caught out.

  Here’s the fundamental reason why NC situations can arise for a boss: nobody wants to feel discarded and when this is combined with the fact that some people find disappointment and rejection really tough to deal with never mind having to work for the person, this situation can activate a person’s deepest fears and insecurities, and even affect their mental health.

  You, regardless of how you may feel at this particular moment in time, are in the position of power and it may appear to the other party that there’s less at stake for you or that you’re ‘getting away’ with something, especially if this situation is the result of an affair. However you have come to be in this situation, this is a good time to have a very honest conversation with yourself and consider what you truly thought was going to happen here. Did you think about the possibility of this ending? Did you secretly assume that they would just leave if it didn’t work out? Did you underestimate their feelings or overestimate your own or your capacity? Have you handled this situation poorly?

  It’s easy in this situation for the other party to feel like they’re not being treated like a human with feelings and are just ‘expected’ to go back to the way things used to be and equally it’s easy for you to end up feeling like The Bad Guy and at the same time genuinely afraid for your future. The best thing you can do here is empathise. It’s not about ignoring your own feelings but it is about putting them aside long enough to imagine what this person might be thinking or feeling in their position. How would you feel if you were them? What would you do? Based on what you know of this person, is their reaction different to how you would deal with things and if so, why? Understanding things from their perspective instead of primarily seeing it from your own will help you to understand how this situation has blown up and possibly offer a path to finding a resolution.

  There’s no easy way to deal with this situation so here’s the bottom line:

  -- Ultimately this situation involves an element of compromise – finding a solution that you can both live with.

  -- If you have a discussion and are willing to set the terms of working together, as long as you’re both respecting them, you should each be able to move on even if when you get home you have to vent your frustrations.

  -- If it’s appropriate to your situation, consider a transfer to another department. Before you go suggesting this to your ex, I would ensure that what you’re suggesting is above board.

  -- Don’t inflame the situation. I’m not suggesting that you don’t get on with your life but parading a new partner around who incidentally, may be another co-worker (not again!) is understandably inflammatory, hurtful and yes, disrespectful.

  -- Don’t tell lies, especially ones that you’re not only likely to be found out about but in persisting with the lie, you’re actually crazy-making. Nobody likes being mind fucked. Yes I’m sure it’s going to piss this person off if you admit that you’ve moved on or that you did whatever it is that they’ve found out about, but denying it is what can contribute greatly to destabilising a person and causing them to feel as if they’re being talked about or being made a fool of.

  -- The shittier an exit you make out of this involvement, the less likely this will be to ‘go away’ so if you want to have a cat’s hope in hell of this calming down and you both moving on from it, muster up all of the patience and courage you have and try to sit down and have a calm discussion.

  -- Choose a role – boss or friend. Bearing in mind the situation, you can’t be both so don’t keep trying to push a friend agenda to soothe your ego. Yes they might think you’re an asshole right now but that’s nothing compared to what they will think of you if you keep saying and doing things to make you look better while actually sending mixed messages and messing with this person’s head.

  -- If you have an HR person, mentor or legal advisor, I would bite the bullet and have a conversation about how best to handle things. Many people in your situation try to save face and not tell anybody and end up creating more problems when in actual fact, speaking to these people and possibly arranging for discussion/mediation will communicate to the other party that you’re serious and that you’re going to address this issue.

  -- If you’re an employee, you may be obliged by contract to admit your involvement which is tricky as there may be serious consequences for doing so. That said, explaining to this person that you are willing, or going, to speak to HR may ’sober’ them up. That said, if you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t give a shit or is eager for the company to know so that you can get into trouble, that’s a problem.

  -- That said, you are as much a party to this involvement as they were so don’t attempt to smear their reputation. Be responsible and accountable for your involvement.

  -- Don’t try to use sex, lunches, gifts, promises of a promotion etc, to butter them up because it’s no wonder you’re struggling to end this – you’re sending mixed messages and kinda buying their silence.

  -- If this is a crush, flirtation or one-nighter gone awry, be firm (avoid being cruel) in saying that a line is being drawn under the situation and remain absolutely professional because the fact that you have to do NC in this situation suggests something that shouldn’t have gotten out of hand, has. It may help to say, “I apologise for my part in this situation arising and moving forward I just want to assure you that I’ll keep a polite and professional distance.”

  -- If you treat this person in the way that you treat other staff members (which is hopefully decently), you at least don’t have to worry about discrimination.

  -- Be careful of what you say such as, “If it wasn’t for the fact that we’re working together then…” because if this isn’t true and then this person goes “OK then, I’ve l
eft my job/got transferred to a different department”, you’re going to be in a very tight spot. Again.

  **********

  Ultimately, whatever your feelings are, work is work, and some companies seriously frown upon your professionalism and ability to do your role being impeded by sexual relationships. Should they attempt to cross the line with you, don’t be afraid to remind them that this is your place of work. Harsh as it may sound, for the ones that persist at trying to contact you, keep a note of everything – you never know if you may need to use it. Also remember that if you remain professional, they don’t have anything that they can be keeping a note of about you.

  MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY… MONEY!

  Money is something that has broken relationships of all kinds and is a very sensitive subject and it can be super-awkward when a romantic relationship breaks down. At this juncture, it’s too late to be asking how they came to be borrowing money from you or even how you came to be borrowing it and to be fair, the way the economy is these days, it’s unsurprising that we may find ourselves having to lend a financial helping hand or even being the borrower. I won’t lie when I say that you’re in a bit of a conundrum if you want to go NC and there’s the not-so-small matter of money.

  When You Owe Money

  There’s nothing wrong with you needing to go NC but before you go down this road, address the money situation otherwise it will look like you’re doing a bunk in order to avoid paying back the money which will in turn invite this person into your life. It’s better for you to take the bull by the horns and propose a solution for paying them back if you can’t pay it back in full now, or pay them back straight away even if you have to eat baked beans for a week. An ex, especially a toxic one who thinks that they have free reign to abuse you because you owe them money is not worth the aggravation.

  -- If you said that you were going to pay it back, follow through on your word.

  -- If you didn’t think that they’d ask for it back but it was understood to be a loan at the time, you still have to pay it back.

  -- If they haven’t asked for the money and you think it’s likely they will or you just want to square things off, pay it back.

  -- If your circumstances have changed and they affect the original agreement that you made, this is the time to let them know that you can’t meet the original agreement but that you will in _________ and then let them know when and how it will be paid back (in full or in installments).

  -- If terms of payment haven’t been agreed and it’s a big enough amount that you’d prefer not to pay in full now, take the initiative and send an email or a letter, or yes, even pick up the phone and let them know the number of instalments, the amount, and set up a standing order.

  -- If there’s someone else that you’d rather be in debt to, borrow the money from them and then pay your ex back. And then go about your NC business.

  -- Taking control of the situation and paying back/making the appropriate arrangements is better than trying to stay in contact to keep them off your back or to avoid paying back the money while being miserable.

  -- Don’t pretend that the money situation doesn’t exist and still attempt to proceed with NC because unless you have little conscience, it’s likely going to cause anxiety.

  -- If you genuinely believe that you don’t owe the money (“It was a gift!”) or that you don’t owe as much as they say, you will need to have a discussion about it. Admittedly face-to-face or over the phone is quicker simply because you could end up playing email tennis. If the amount is large enough (or they’re petty), you could end up being taken to court so make sure you have any and all correspondence relating to this money.

  -- Do seek legal advice (the Citizens Advice Bureau in the UK for instance) if needed or consider working with a mediator. The latter will demonstrate that you’re more than willing to get the situation ironed out although it’s likely to have a cost attached to it. Plus whoever you consult is likely to convey to your ex that the route they’re pursuing is costly and/or futile (if appropriate).

  When They Owe You Money

  Depending on what type of person you’ve been involved with – if they’re high up on the shady scale or even just vaguely manipulative – they will put your desire for that money and the fact that they don’t have access to you together and leverage it. This means any personal power you’re gaining by stepping back and going NC may be hugely affected by this person dangling money that you’re rightfully owed.

  It’s hard to hear, but if you’re serious about ending it, you have to contemplate the possibility of not getting some or all of the money. It’s a pain in the bum but as I’ve learned from personal experience, if I could lend it, I could afford to lose it and the cost of pursuing this debt, especially emotionally and mentally, may be too expensive. I have an ex that still owes me over $2,000 and I could have done with that money at the time and I could still think of a few things I could spend it on right now. But in letting it go, I’ve experienced abundance in many other ways in the twelve years (at time of publishing) since I loaned him the money.

  -- Prepare for cutting contact by having a final conversation about the money before you go NC especially if there’s no payback agreement in place because if you don’t, they may assume that you’re willing to write off the debt.

  -- Agree the terms, how much, when, if it’s in full, if it’s installments, how it’s going to be paid etc.

  -- If you gave this person money and gifts as a means of, oh I don’t know, buying their affections or compliance, it’s not really fair to ask for the money. This is something that happens to many an over-giving people pleaser and when things don’t work out, they feel ‘wronged’ and taken advantage of because they had quietly or even very openly assumed that all of this ‘giving’ would generate certain things. It’s a hard lesson to learn but if it wasn’t an agreed loan or there wasn’t a clear agreement about what these ‘gifts’ were in exchange for, you need to cut your losses.

  -- Before getting to the point of worrying about if it will be paid back, clarify that they know that it’s supposed to be paid back. You’d be surprised how many people will claim that they thought the money was a gift…

  -- If you’ve already agreed terms, don’t assume that because you’re ending things that they’ll pay it back sooner – get confirmation, otherwise you’ll need to suck it up and stick to the original agreement.

  -- Don’t go in hostile – it doesn’t make the person want to pay you back plus you’re not in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels… Starting an argument will not bring out their best side. Also avoid coming across as petty, manipulative, or bitchy, even if you feel entitled to do so.

  -- Be calm, factual, and unemotional especially around somebody who knows how to play you like a finely tuned guitar.

  -- If it’s face-to-face, rehearse what you’re going to say and do consider how you will respond to any ‘objections’. Have two options for getting the money back but just suggest your preferred one and save the other one as a backup because if you don’t, they’ll likely negotiate with your plan B.

  -- Make sure you clarify whether they’re in a position to pay the money back and don’t ever think about uttering the words ‘Take your time’ or ‘Don’t worry about paying me back immediately’. This people pleasing behaviour is where you’re busting your own boundaries. If they can take their time and they don’t need to worry about it, why go there with this conversation?

  -- Don’t make an agreement that involves you having to behave like a debt collector. Have them set up a standing order where the money is automatically debited from their account on the date you’ve both agreed. Paypal is also quick and easy for collecting money and in this day and age, there’s no need for them to be doing this cheque bullshit or insisting on dropping around cash.

  -- Remember that the more complicated that you make the instructions for how you get the money, the more layers to your probable headache. “Well… I suppose you could put it
in my bank account but then I’m thinking that it would be easier if you sent it wrapped up on the back of a donkey or put half in this account, a quarter off that bill account and the rest off this other bill…” Just put it in one account. Money can be moved. By you. When you get it paid back. Don’t make things hard for yourself.

  -- It’s easier to get all of this stuff in writing which is why email can be so useful. If this discussion happens over the phone, you can always follow it up with an email clarifying the key points. Also make sure that you ask them to confirm that they’ve set up the standing order.

  -- Don’t change the terms. This is a lesson in respecting boundaries. I appreciate that sometimes circumstances change but if you’ve both made an agreement, it’s a tad unfair to change the goalposts. Of course you may feel that you’re in dire straits and it’s understandable then to ask them but you may be putting them on the spot.

  I know it’s a pain in the ass, I know it’s your money, but be careful that chasing your money doesn’t suck you back into the relationship and cripple you emotionally.

  What you do learn after this is not that there cannot be money in relationships, but that money is something that should never be a part of relationships that don’t exist, barely exist, or already have a whole host of problems because mo’ money, mo’ problems and you’re trying to plug a gaping hole in your relationship dam that cannot be filled.

  LEGAL STUFF

  If you have kids, a home, financial agreements, a business, you will need to consult with a professional – trust me it is a lot easier to do this now than to only start thinking about it when you’re angry because they’ve moved on. I have friends who thought they were dealing with someone who while they were no longer together was being halfway decent – wait until they get a new partner and see how things change.