The No Contact Rule

by Natalie Lue

  You get a better deal and less stress if you act now. Don’t delay the inevitable.

  -- Find out your legal rights and have a plan A and plan B. For instance, I know a number of people who purchased homes together and then broke up. One wanted to stay in the house or wanted to avoid selling because even though they didn’t want to step up in the relationship, they didn’t want things to be final.

  -- If for whatever reason you cannot sell the property, it’s easier if you both move out and rent out the property. If the rent amount allows for it, consider letting it be handled by a property management company. If not, have everything written down – my friend did a lot of it by email and it covered all bases.

  -- If it’s a joint financial agreement, you’re both liable. Remember that if you are on a joint mortgage and you privately agree for them to continue living there and paying it, if they default, you are liable for the payments. Consult a lawyer/solicitor/mediator and find out your rights and what you can do, including drawing up a legal agreement and consulting with your bank. Things change – it’s better to future proof.

  -- If you own a business together, I certainly wouldn’t agree to selling your share or leaving without consulting with a solicitor/lawyer. Make sure the business is properly valued and that you sit down and work out who has been doing what because being clear on who has brought value to the business may be needed to work things out. In the interim, get a written agreement in place about how things will be run. If you’re both happy to dissolve the business, it should be outlined in the documents about how the dissolution affects the formation of future businesses.

  -- Remove yourself from any bills that you’re no longer responsible for. Sure it might be ‘inconvenient’ for your ex to have to put their name on their own bills that they’re paying but it takes a matter of minutes and you have your own home and bills to be worrying about.

  -- Keep a record of every conversation, email, text, correspondence etc. You will thank yourself further down the line.

  -- Don’t fear talking to a professional. If each time you get into discussions it gets nasty or doesn’t get anywhere, hire a mediator or other legal professional (see the chapter Co-Parenting). Sometimes just mentioning that you’re going to do this is enough to get them to cooperate. Yes these things cost money but it’s nothing compared to how much it can cost you if left unaddressed.

  THE GET OUT PLAN

  If you’re working with this person, still living together, they’re married/attached, you have practical stuff to resolve, or they’re just exceptionally hard of hearing and possibly abusive, you may feel that it’s going to be very problematic if you do straight up NC or even LC. It may also be for yourself, in that you may feel that you need to gradually build up to going full NC – to do this, you need a Get Out Plan.

  A Get Out Plan is a carefully coordinated effort where you start to ease out of the relationship in preparation for cutting off contact. It’s ideal if there are things you need to tie up before you go, you’ve fallen off the wagon before, or you need to do NC with a particularly aggressive person who will pursue you intensely or even be very difficult with you if you don’t do things on their terms – i.e. the extra controlling types that want to know where you’re at every hour of the day, are accusing you of being with someone else, and who like to treat you badly or dump you and then feign bewilderment at your upset. A Get Out Plan gives you time to get yourself emotionally, mentally, physically and even spiritually prepared rather than jerking out of the relationship and panicking at your reaction to it. This is why they’re particularly effective when you can’t see past the short term or you tend to second-guess yourself. Get Out Plans are also perfect for flip-flappers (you or them), because it’s a bit like weaning yourself gradually off cigarettes or drugs. When you make the final leap, it won’t feel like so much of a leap.

  There are two big glaring questions though that you need to ask yourself before implementing this plan:

  1) Do you really want to end the relationship or are you looking for another means of buying time to provide the opportunity to stay invested and attempt to change this person?

  2) How much worse do you need to be treated or how much more drama do you want to engage in before it's enough?

  If you're not sure if you want to break up, a Get Out Plan may not be for you. However be careful of being sucked into more drama or being mistreated further. There has to be a cut-off point. When you begin to step back, you’ll find that you gain objectivity and perspective so that in turn the genuine desire to make and stick to the break becomes very real.

  Set A Deadline

  Not a pretend one that you'll move to buy more time in a few weeks or months, but a real deadline. Make it challenging but realistic – don't make it so long it's a joke, but don't make it so short that you're going to panic and reschedule. Nothing longer than six months to a year though (for longer term relationships) and preferably it should be 1 to 3 months. While of course you could shoot for a three-year plan for instance, the Get Out Plan is really about a concentrated effort to get out and the longer it is, the more likely it is that you will deviate off course. The deadline is really about preparation including finances, legalities etc, because the truth is, relying solely on being emotionally ready means you’ll never be ready, not least because you need to focus on the actions and habits to strengthen that willingness to go and to bolster you emotionally.

  If your ex or soon-to-be ex is abusive, be careful of wavering just because there’s been a good day or week – this isn’t the only good day or week you’ve had and it doesn’t excuse their previous actions nor is having a good day or week a sign that a very big problem has been magically ‘fixed’. You have to base your plans on reality not on this hope that they’ll change and you’ll be spared from having to do anything.

  Or, Choose the Next Big Thing

  Some people find setting a date quite difficult and in this case, go with The Next Big (Shitty) Thing that happens. Only thing is that it could happen tomorrow or next week. We often have an idea though of the type of stunts that they may pull or of our own personal levels of upset, so you can base it on this. I vowed that the next time that he picked an argument with me or that I felt insignificant, I was out. Don’t budge from your agreement with yourself as this will create distrust and undermine what little confidence you have left.

  Confide In Someone

  It’s widely acknowledged that telling people about goals and plans is a good motivator due to the sense of accountability that arises. It’s tempting to keep it a secret because if you change your mind, nobody will know about it and it won’t matter as much about what you’re sticking around for. When it comes to NC, if you’re trapped in your feelings and also keeping your own experience and pain a secret, you won’t sanity check your decisions and get the support that you need. Tell a trusted friend, family member or even co-worker your deadline so that you stick to it. The alternative is to speak to a counsellor, therapist, or join a local support group – you are not alone in your circumstances.

  It’s particularly important that you confide in someone if you’re in an abusive relationship. There’s often this worry that you’ll be judged or that no one will believe you when actually, this is rarely the case. Many victims of abuse have found it incredibly helpful to talk to a co-worker, possibly because attempting to see a professional for instance, might have alerted suspicion whereas a co-worker won’t come under suspicion.

  Slowly Start Adapting Your Habits

  This is the key to it all – you need to begin to gradually withdraw and adapt your routine. Not only does distance give you objectivity so that you start to see this person, yourself, and the relationship in a more realistic light, but it means that by the time you end it, the cold turkey is not going to be as bad as wrenching yourself out of habits. What does this involve?

  SAY YES LESS

  This is a good time to spend a week or so just paying attention to what you typicall
y say or show yes to on a day-to-day basis. You may be surprised to discover how little you say no and how often you’re silencing your own needs, expectations and wishes in favour of saying what you think people want to hear due to fear of conflict. Saying yes all the time isn’t going to get you out of this relationship nor is it going to lead to an even moderately healthy relationship with anyone, romantic or otherwise.

  Make other plans at times when they’re likely to expect you to be available. It’s quite liberating to say no instead of saying yes as a default and feeling taken advantage of. Even if you don't make plans and end up staying home, don’t accept every invitation to go out. If you have a three-month plan, start dropping a meetup a week and then drop another one – in essence, reduce the amount of time you spend together.

  Rather than shock the crap out of yourself and others by suddenly saying no to everything, gradually build up your assertive muscles. Start with the small stuff and gradually build up from there.

  STOP TAKING EVERY CALL

  Many drama-filled relationships have people who answer every single call and are basically available on tap. Stop it. Let's say you speak 5 times a day normally, drop to 4, then 3, and so on. They’re likely to get angry or irritated, or even blow hot when you do this but pay no attention. Don't explain that you're reducing your calls – just say that you're busy with work, a friend, whatever – make something up if you have to! In fact, line them up for the reduced calls by feeding them a story about your increased workload. Unplug your house phone if they’re the type to start calling this if they don’t get you on your mobile/cell.

  DELAY REPLIES TO EMAILS AND TEXTS

  Whatever your normal response time is, double it or triple it, or even don’t bother to respond. One of the best ways is if they send a text the night before, reply back in the morning. Even if you did nothing other than twiddle your thumbs, you look busy.

  CUT LATE NIGHT CALLS

  Most smartphones also have a ‘Do not disturb’ setting so it can automatically stop giving you notifications or ringing after a certain time.

  STOP ENGAGING

  As you gradually distance yourself, they may react to the sudden change and pick a fight or question you about your actions. Do. Not. Engage. Certainly don't explain. It will totally catch them off guard. All those things that you would normally throw a wobbly about and create a whole load of drama – don't. Sit on your hands, tape your mouth, run out of the house, do whatever you need to do, but bite your tongue and play nice.

  PAY CLOSER ATTENTION

  Instead of taking what they say at face value or being suckered in by lust, watch their actions more closely, listen keenly to what they say and observe the changes in your own behaviour around them as well as observing the impact on the overall dynamic. If it helps, keep a Feelings Diary, which is basically noting your moods and the shifts in them. They are great for identifying your cues, triggers and typical responses.

  EASE UP ON THE SEX

  I'm all for getting laid but sex clouds judgement and puts you in the Justifying Zone, that special place we go to when we continue investing because we’re sexually/emotionally invested and don’t want to believe that we’ve made a poor judgment. All of those happy hormones flying around may convince you that the huge orgasm is a reason to stick around. Naturally by seeing them less, there are less opportunities to be seduced.

  BE CAREFUL OF ALCOHOL

  If getting a bit tipsy or drunk fuels some of your drama or passion, it's time to cut back so that you don't get derailed.

  HAVE MORE PERSONAL AND SOCIAL TIME

  Learning to love yourself and spending time alone is one of the best things that can happen, not only because loving yourself makes you very self-aware of people who negate or hamper it, but it also means that when you cut contact, you will feel like an entity as opposed to feeling like you've been robbed and left with nothing because your relationship has ended.

  Create your own life with meaning and embrace family and friends, or take part in activities that help you to meet new people.

  If these relationships have suffered during your involvement, do use some of this time to begin repairing these relationships. Don’t isolate yourself and even though it can hurt to admit where you’ve erred, admitting it will stop you from isolating yourself in this relationship. If you really don’t feel that you can return to these relationships, do look at attending a local support group – check out Meetup.com.

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  You may find that you start NC in full before you reach your deadline because the great thing about withdrawing is that you see them as they are and you also recognise how much better you feel by not being drawn into the cycle. I once had a reader tell me she was giving herself three months on her plan and it took her only two weeks because the shift in her own behaviour made her realise how ridiculous he was and she went full NC and ended it.

  Listen to yourself while doing the Get Out Plan. Note what stresses you out, note where you feel panicked and also note when you feel good and why.

  When you become distracted from the end goal of going to full NC, evaluate what you’re afraid of, whether it’s fear about something that is actually happening or whether it’s irrational fear that isn’t being sanity checked against what you know of your experiences with this person. If there are areas that you’re struggling with that you feel that you need advice on, use local resources as well as the internet to focus on finding solutions – this could be legal services, support groups, therapists, counsellors, the police, or specialists in a particular area, for instance if you know that this person may be difficult due to an addiction.

  It’s important to use this time to be committed to your plan and to get committed to making the jump. Keep validating what you’re doing along the way by reminding yourself of why you’re making this decision. You can do this.

  FANTASY RECOVERY

  People can feel quite helpless after a fantasy relationship has to come to an end because it feels as if they don’t have options for recovery due to it not being ‘real’. Actually, recovering from a crush, virtual relationship or even a dalliance that didn’t quite make it to a date meeting up can be quite devastating if you had a lot of hopes and expectations tied up in it and you were fantasising due to feelings of inadequacy that have been exacerbated by the fallout.

  Time For a Fantasy Holiday

  Tempting as it may be to avoid your feelings by finding someone new to fixate on, this is part of the reason why you’re in these problems in the first place. All you’re doing is a reset and… lather, rinse, repeat.

  Keep a Feelings Diary

  This is to keep you grounded, accountable and aware of your feelings and urges. Get to understand where you’re losing chunks of time on daydreaming or even giving yourself a hard time. Evaluate when you tend to feel most rejected – what is happening at that time, how you are feeling, what you are afraid of etc. There’s a Feelings Diary worksheet included in your purchase.

  Be Accountable and Responsible

  This is a toughie to face but the fact is, if you don’t like where you are right now, you cannot put it all on the other person. This was your crush, your fantasy, your hopes and expectations and so while it’s understandable to feel disappointed that it didn’t come to pass as you would like, you cannot be angry with the other party for not meeting hopes and expectations that weren’t directly communicated. This is a good time to listen to what these hopes and expectations were and look at how you can cultivate these in your own life. Acknowledge that you have needs but recognise that if you don’t meet them in reality, they’re certainly not going to be happening in a fantasy.

  Hold That Thought

  When you’re tempted to confront them or fire off an email, delay doing anything for at least 24 hours no matter how tempting it is. I guarantee you that if you do anything off the back of your feelings, you will then not only be hurting from it not working out but will then have to deal with feelings of regret and emb
arrassment.

  Daydream In Time Slots

  Set allocated time slots of 15 minute daydream breaks in the morning, afternoon and evening. Outside of these times, force yourself to focus on something else. That means when at work you have to think about work or something else. Learn to recognise the signs of when your mind is drifting and do the equivalent of mentally pulling over on the side of the road after falling asleep at the wheel. You wake yourself up and you pull your mind back to the present.

  Don’t keep revisiting the so-called ‘rejection’

  It’s the equivalent of repeatedly returning to your pain or in the crudest terms, going back to look at your own vomit. That’s a pretty damn unpleasant image but it’s even more unpleasant to relive the rejection over and over again. This is persecution. You don’t deserve this.

  Grieve All Of Your Losses

  Sounds daunting but it’s a must. When you have fantasy involvements, it’s likely that you are carrying several suitcases of hurt from crush to crush or involvement to involvement. When each fantasy ends, it reopens the old wounds which you try to escape in a new crush or by going back to your pain source. Read the section on loss.

  Brainstorm How To Nurture Yourself

  Spend some time coming up with several ways in which you could treat yourself with love, care, trust and respect. Fantasy involvements and giving yourself a hard time from rejection stem from low self-esteem and avoiding intimacy. You are loving and admiring from a distance in order to limit how close someone can get to you. You enjoy the feelings of the fantasy more than putting yourself out there but it’s stopping you from enjoy life in reality. You’re hiding from yourself and you’re hiding from intimacy and the world. Whatever it is that is stopping you from loving yourself, it’s time to address it. If this has been a longstanding habit or you find the process of putting your feet firmly in reality quite daunting, don’t be afraid to seek additional support.