by Renee, Holly
“Maddy, let’s go get some air.” I finally looked away from my father to see Theo standing beside me with his hand reached out to me. I didn’t want to take his hand and walk outside like I wasn’t upset. I didn’t want to do things exactly like we had always done, but I was still raw from last night and I knew that I was willing to let myself take things too far.
I placed my hand in his and his fingers tightened around mine as he helped me from my chair. Our parents didn’t utter a word, and I could just imagine the way my mother would apologize for my behavior once we were outside.
But I didn’t need anyone apologizing for me.
We walked outside, and I took a deep breath once we left the stifling air of the restaurant.
“Maddy.” Theo said my name like he was trying to figure out what to say to me.
“I’m sorry.” I gripped the balcony rail in my hands and turned toward him. “I know you don’t need me defending you.”
He looked up at me then, his face suddenly serious. “I’ll always need you.”
“That’s not what I meant.” I rolled my eyes. “I mean when it comes to—”
I didn’t get to finish my sentence because Theo stopped it with his lips. I took a deep shuddering breath as his lips pressed against mine, and Theo shifted to get even closer to me. His body pressed against mine, his hand tangled in my hair.
He didn’t care that we were on the balcony of some restaurant. He dove into me as if it were only me and him, and it felt like it always had been.
I had dreamed of this moment for so long that I didn’t know what to do. I was stiff in his arms—hesitant and scared. Theo traced his tongue along the seam of my lips, and I opened them on a shocked breath just before he slipped inside.
His tongue touched mine, and I finally kissed him back. I rolled my tongue against his, I gripped his arms in my fingers, and I searched for what I needed in everything that he was.
I pulled him tighter against me, and he groaned as our hips met through our clothes. One of his hands clung to my hip while the other remained tangled in my hair, and I pressed myself closer against him to try to chase the feeling I needed. I needed more and not because I was desperate for it, but because I was desperate for this to feel like more than it did with Easton.
Theo’s hand helped guide me as his thigh slipped between my legs and I chased the feeling I so helplessly wanted through our clothes. The feeling that Easton brought out in me with a single touch.
“Fuck, Maddy.” Theo whispered the words against my lips, and I bit his bottom lip and forced his mouth back against mine.
If I was with Easton, he would have already taken control and had my stomach in knots by the feelings he would have created in me. He would be gripping my hips, his hand would be roaming my body, his mouth exploring my neck. But Theo wasn’t doing any of that.
I pulled his hand from my hair and brought it to my breast. He cupped the weight in his hand, his hand hidden between us as his thumb brushed over my nipple through my bra, but I wanted him to do something more. I wanted him to grip me through the fabric in a way that made me feel like there was nothing between us. I wanted him to do something. To make me feel something more.
“We should get back inside,” he murmured against my mouth, but I didn’t care about getting back to our parents.
I had waited what felt like half my life for this kiss.
I brought my mouth back to his and kissed him. It was just as passionate as before, just as desperate for him to give me more. I rolled my hips against his, and I could feel how hard he was against my leg. I knew he wanted me, and even if I felt nothing like I did when I was with Easton, I still wanted Theo. I wanted him to show me what we could be. What we had been missing for so long.
He groaned against my mouth and shifted his hips against me.
“Your parents.” Theo groaned, and I finally let my mouth fall from his and I dropped my forehead to his chest.
I had an overwhelming urge to cry or scream or possibly punch something, and I hated how out of control I felt. This moment with Theo was supposed to be perfect.
It would have been perfect before Easton, before everything that happened, but now everything was completely fucked up.
“You’re right.” I nodded my head against his chest. “We should go back inside.”
He ran his fingers through my hair and lifted my face until I couldn’t see anything but him.
“Are you okay?”
I hated myself for thinking about Easton in that moment.
Theo Hunt was the guy of my dreams, and now that those dreams were finally coming true, I was wishing he was someone else.
“I’m okay,” I lied, but Theo smiled at me like he believed it.
And I hated myself for that even more.
Nineteen
I had no idea what I was doing.
I didn’t answer Theo when he called last night after our parents dropped me off at my dorm. I didn’t know what to say to him, how to go back to what we were before.
I didn’t answer Easton either.
There was another text message this morning. Another Please talk to me. But I was so fucking confused that I didn’t know what to say to either of them.
I had wanted Theo for so long that I had barely thought about anything else, but Easton changed everything. Everything before Easton made sense.
But he had me questioning everything.
Every decision I made before Easton was affected by someone else. Whether it was my parents or Theo or the thought of what others would think of me, I never made a decision simply for myself. And it never seemed to matter until him.
But now? Now my skin was itching with the urge to run. To get away from this school. From everyone.
But I knew I couldn’t.
My stomach was in knots as I walked into my English class on Monday. I spotted Easton in his spot behind Professor Bryant’s desk before I even made it through the doorway, and I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the entire class without falling apart.
I could feel him watching me as I took my seat, but I refused to look in his direction. I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
Imani was already drawing in her seat next to me, and she looked up long enough to smile before she went back to her work. I pulled out my notebook, textbook, and pencil and laid them out on my desk. When Professor Bryant still hadn’t entered the room, I took out my phone so I would have something to distract me.
There were two text messages on my phone as I lit it up. One of them just arrived a moment ago.
Theo: Want to hang out tonight?
Easton: You’re fucking gorgeous.
I finally looked up at him then, and he was already staring at me. I didn’t know what he wanted from me. What he wanted me to say. Did he expect a thank-you?
Did he want me to come crawling back to him?
Whatever it was that he wanted, I wasn’t able to give it to him.
I put my phone away without replying to either, and I stared at the whiteboard until Professor Bryant walked in with a stack of papers in his hands.
“Good morning,” he said loudly, causing the chatter in the room to quiet. “I have your papers graded. Some of you did excellent. Some of you would have done better if you hadn’t turned anything in.”
The class laughed as the professor handed the papers to Easton, and he stood from his seat.
I tried not to watch him as he began passing out everyone’s paper, but it was impossible. He was wearing a black t-shirt and a pair of deep gray shorts, and I hated the way all the girls ogled him as he walked by.
I wanted to yell at them and tell them that he was mine, but he wasn’t.
Even if he was, he couldn’t be.
I forced myself to face forward and watch Professor Bryant. He was still talking, but I wasn’t hearing a thing he was saying. I was too focused on steadying my breath, on calculating how close Easton was to me.
“Your group projects are due this we
ek.” A round of groans rang out through the room. “Remember that it counts for fifteen percent of your grade, so starting to work on it today isn’t going to be the best idea.”
I felt Easton behind me, I could smell the hint of spice from his cologne, and I tensed as he set my paper down in front of me. His arm grazed mine. It would look innocent to anyone else, but I knew better.
Easton knew exactly what he was doing to me.
He always had.
I didn’t know what I was expecting after everything that had happened, but I wanted to be able to forget Easton. I wanted to pretend that there was nothing between us but sexual tension and a track record of really good sex.
But I couldn’t even manage to lie to myself, let alone anyone else.
“I’m going to give you today to meet with your partner and work on finalizing your project.”
I finally looked up at the professor and heard the words he was saying.
“You can pair up in here. Some of you can go out into the hall. Wherever you can find some quiet space, but no one leaves until class is over.” He pointed his finger at all of us. “You’re welcome.”
The class laughed and shifted in their seats as they moved to find their partner. I didn’t move an inch. I stared ahead of me and tried not to panic.
I didn’t want to talk to Easton. Not even about our stupid group project that I had already finished, but what was I going to say.
No, thank you. I don’t want to work with your TA because he broke my fucking heart.
Easton set the rest of the papers in his hand down on the desk before looking up at me. He started talking to the professor, but I could hear every word.
“I’m going to take the rest of these to your office. We’ll work in there if that’s cool with you.”
Professor Bryant nodded. “It will definitely be quieter in there. There’s a letter on my desk for you too.”
“Thanks.” Easton smiled at him before turning back to me.
“You ready?” He nodded toward the door.
I was so pissed at him. I didn’t want to go to the professor’s office with him. I didn’t want to be within five feet of him, but he knew I wouldn’t refuse him in front of the professor—in front of the entire class.
I gathered my things in my arms and stood before moving out the door with Easton trailing me. I had no idea where Professor Bryant’s office was, but Easton started walking toward the right and I followed him.
He unlocked the professor’s office and set the papers down on his desk as I made my way into the room. I didn’t dare close the door behind me. I could hardly breathe as it was.
He turned toward me and leaned against the desk.
“We’re finished with our project.” I told him something that he already knew. “Is it necessary for me to stay for the entire class?”
“The professor said so.” He shrugged his shoulders, and I could tell he was fighting a smirk.
“Well, the professor isn’t the one who’s been fucking me, so I’m asking you.”
He pushed off the desk and quickly closed the door before someone overheard me, and it completely pissed me off.
I knew I had no business getting so worked up, the two of us barely even knew each other, but it was impossible to tell your heart not to care.
And Easton had made me care too much.
“I don’t know what the fuck Theo told you, but I didn’t do anything.”
“Theo wouldn’t lie to me.” I shook my head.
“Wouldn’t he?” He cocked his head to the side. “Theo only wants you to himself. He would do anything to get me away from you.”
“I don’t have time for this.” I headed toward the door, but he pressed his chest against my back and stopped me from turning the handle.
“Just give me a chance, Maddison. Don’t I deserve a fucking chance?” His voice was rough and vulnerable and made me want to give in to everything he wanted. It made me want to give him everything that I was.
“For what?” I pressed my hand against the door to help steady myself. “We couldn’t be together even if we wanted to. You’re my fucking TA, Easton.” I turned toward him and waved my hand around the professor’s office. “Did you happen to forget that little detail? Just leave me alone. It’s for the best.”
“I can’t.” He sounded as broken as I felt, and I hated him for it.
My back slammed into the wall as his mouth crashed into mine.
I didn’t have time to think about whether what we were doing was right or wrong. All I knew was that one single touch from him, and I was already feeling everything I had been chasing from Theo yesterday.
And the thought made me sick, but I couldn’t stop.
He lifted me, my thighs wrapping around him instantly, and something crashed to the ground around us. Easton didn’t seem to notice or care. He was too busy dragging his mouth down my neck with the press of his tongue and the nip of his teeth, and I couldn’t catch my breath as he set me down on the desk.
I felt so engulfed by him. So completely lost in everything that he was that it didn’t matter if he had been using me. It didn’t matter that I was falling in love with him when he didn’t feel the same.
His hand fumbled with the button of my jeans in his haste, and I helped him pull them down my legs before sitting against the desk once more. His jeans were undone just as quickly, and we didn’t waste any time.
I was clawing at his skin trying to get closer to him as he pushed inside me. I fell back on my hands, trying to support myself against his thrusts, but it was useless. I dropped to my back, papers flying to the floor behind me, and I held on to the edge of the desk as he thrust into me over and over.
Every inch of my skin was dying for his touch, and Easton knew it. His hand thrust up my shirt and he rolled my nipple through my bra, and I was forced to put a hand over my mouth to keep from crying out.
I was so lost in him as he leaned forward and gripped my chin in his hand. I kissed him like he hadn’t hurt me. Like everything about the two of us wasn’t a bad idea. Not a trace of those rules or that hurt was between us now. It was only me and him, and I fell apart around him as his lips pressed against mine like he was desperately trying to hold on to this moment forever.
My orgasm raked through my body without warning or control. It was a wild shock of passion and need, and something inside me broke as it tore through every inch of me.
I could feel Easton’s own orgasm spill from him inside of me, and I tried to breathe as a tear slid down my face. I didn’t give him time to recover as I pushed his chest away from mine. I could feel my panic crawling up my skin, taking up every inch of where pleasure had just been, and I knew that I had made a mistake.
I climbed off his desk and jerked my jeans up my legs as he looked at me with the same look of panic on his face. I grabbed my things from the floor and jerked the door open in haste.
Because I was never going to recover from Easton Cole.
He was destroying every piece of me, and I was letting him.
Twenty
Going to Theo’s house was probably the worst idea I had ever had, but I needed my friend. I needed the person he was to me before everything that happened yesterday. He had been my everything for so long that I didn’t know how to break the habit.
I didn’t know how to stop him.
He was sitting at his desk when I walked in, but he smiled as soon as he saw me.
“Hi.” He turned in his chair to face me, and I walked toward him with my heart beating wildly in my chest.
I wished I could stop it, that feeling, but there was something about Theo that had always made me feel like I was constantly falling.
But that beat that used to feel like thunder somehow slowed to a rainstorm, and no matter how hard I tried, everything with Theo felt like a tremble compared to the earth-shattering effect of Easton.
“Hi.” I stopped a good foot away from him, but he reached out and pulled me closer to him without hesitation.
My thighs were between his, and he was smiling at me like I was the best thing he had seen all day. I felt like the worst kind of person. Worse than Easton. Worse than anything Theo could ever do to me.
He tried to pull me down toward him. I could see him watching my lips, but I couldn’t kiss him after kissing Easton.
After I had just fucked Easton not even an hour before.
“Wait.” I pulled away from him. I pulled away from the thing I had wanted for most of my life and looked up at my best friend. “I need to tell you something.”
“Okay.” He chuckled and ran his thumb over my bent knee.
“I applied to Columbia before here.” I pointed down as if I was actually talking about the room we were standing in.
“Okay…” He still had a small smile on his face, but his brow was bunched in confusion.
“I got accepted. To Columbia.” I said it again to make sure he heard me. “I was offered a full scholarship for photojournalism.”
“I’m confused.” He sat up straighter and looked at me. “Why are you telling me this? You’ve never been interested in photojournalism before. I thought you wanted to work for your dad.”
“I don’t.” I shook my head and tried to figure out what I was trying to say. “My parents want me to work for my dad. My parents wanted me to go here. You wanted me to go here. I tried to tell you before, but you were so excited about us being here together, and I didn’t know how to say it.”
“So, what?” He scooted away from me and I felt him pull away in more ways than one. “Now you want to be a photojournalist? Can you even do that?”
I jolted back as if he had slapped me. “Yes, Theo. I can. If we talked about me instead of football for more than five seconds, maybe you would already know that.”
I could see him grind his jaw, but he didn’t respond to my dig.
“So study photojournalism here.” He held his arms out around him. “I don’t understand what the big deal is.”
“I just wanted to tell you.” I stepped another step away from him and ran my finger over his desk. “I wanted to know what you’d say. What you’d think.”
