The Fraud

by H. Claire Taylor

  “Well, then shouldn’t we give him advanced notice?” Notmie asked. “You know, give him a ring-a-ding-ding?” He made his hand into a phone to clarify his already obvious suggestion.

  Melono waved him off. “Nah, he already knows we’re coming.”

  “Oh.” Notmie wondered when she’d called him to let him know they were on their way. He didn’t remember her making a call while he was with her, and she’d said herself that she wasn’t positive it was Notmie who’d been hitching a ride with Mae and Hal.

  But then again, he thought, Melono’s one sharp crayon.

  He proceeded to mull over why she was, in fact, so smart. Naturally, he came to no possible conclusions.

  The night was well on its way by now and the stars were surprisingly bright overhead.

  “Are they usually that bright?” Captain Alex asked.

  “Not really, maybe it’s the equinox or something,” Melono suggested.

  Captain Alex nodded. “That’s probably it.”

  But both Captain Alex and Melono were violently ripped from their peaceful contemplation by a sudden gagging sound. Both turned to look at Notmie.

  “Does this car seem suddenly stuffy to either of y’all?” he asked.

  “Nope,” said Melono

  “Not really,” seconded Captain Alex.

  Notmie tugged at his shirt collar and sweat began beading down his forehead.

  “Good lord, Notmie,” said Melono, “are you okay there?”

  “Gaaah…” was all he could say.

  “We’re almost there, Notmie. Once we get there you can get some water and that should help.”

  They pulled onto a quarter-mile-long driveway and saw an old house up ahead. As they reached it, Melono jumped out of the front seat and ran around to open the back door for Notmie and The Captain. But as Notmie stepped out of the car, he seemed to have gotten over his spell and quickly took to smoothing his hair in the starlit reflection of the window, though flinching and grimacing peculiarly as he did so. Captain Alex didn’t notice the flinching, nor the grimacing, and merely saw that, yet again, Notmie was looking at himself.

  “So, I guess you’re better?” he asked, beginning to wonder if Notmie had been faking the whole ordeal for some strange, unfathomable reason.

  “Yeah, maybe it was just car sickness.” Notmie didn’t look up from his reflection. He was more interested in himself than usual, but neither of his traveling companions took notice.

  “I’ve never heard of car sickness like that,” said Melono. Unlike Captain Alex, she knew Notmie would never fake something like that; all the retching and sweating would risk making him appear less attractive.

  The house was old, and if they cocked their heads slightly to the side, it didn’t appear to be leaning quite so dangerously to the left. It was because of this that Melono knocked so delicately with the rusty knocker as they reached the front porch.

  Precisely ten minutes later, the front door screeched open and a bemused-looking black man, no younger than sixty, stood in the doorway. He observed his guests appraisingly for an awkward amount time before speaking.

  “You’re right on time.” He turned to Notmie. “How’s your throat?”

  Notmie’s eyes grew wide.

  The old man nodded. “Good, but you might want to keep a close eye on that. Let me know if it gets worse.”

  The man turned to Melono and flung his arms wide open. “Melono! It has been a while.” Captain Alex could hear the air whoosh from Melono’s lungs as she was grabbed and forced into a bear hug.

  “Come in, come in,” the man said, ushering them off of the front porch and inside the decrepit house.

  Captain Alex glanced around as they entered. “Nice place you got here. Feels like home.”

  “I don’t see any foam,” the old man replied. He turned to eye The Captain suspiciously. “What are you trying to pull?”

  Naturally, Captain Alex didn’t understand what foam had to do with anything until he asked the old man his name, to which the old man replied, “You’re going to have to speak up. I can’t hear a word you say if you whisper to me from all the way over there.”

  Captain Alex tossed a glance over to Melono, who was smiling fondly at the old man. Cap’n figured this guy must be for real.

  “I said, ‘What’s your name?’”

  Yes, Captain Alex felt extremely conspicuous being so loud in what seemed to be a sleepy house, and felt even sillier when the man replied, “Larry. You need to watch that temper of yours. Yelling at people you barely know is hardly making a good first impression.”

  From across the room where Notmie had settled himself onto the couch and had been playing with a small pillow just seconds before, there came a most awful noise. It sounded to The Captain like a cat trying to cough up a hairball while being shot with rubber bullets.

  Melono ran up to him and crouched down to get eye level. “Notmie, are you okay?”

  “I… think… have allergies,” Notmie rasped.

  Melono nodded, looking distressed. “Well, I think oak and elm are high,” she replied.

  “Whaaat?” Larry asked. “Elmer’s high? Who is Elmer, and why is he high?”

  “No,” she said a little louder. “ Elm is high, like the allergy count. This is no time for jokes, Larry.”

  Notmie tore violently at his collar. “Maybe… it’s the… p–peanuts.”

  “You mean the ones on your sundae?” Captain Alex asked.

  “I’m… allergic,” Notmie replied.

  Both Captain Alex and Melono hollered, “What!?”

  “Notmie, why didn’t you mention it when they said they only had peanuts?” Melono demanded.

  “I forgot… I couldn’t… I couldn’t…” What he couldn’t do at that moment was finish his sentence. Suddenly he went wide-eyed, clutching his throat and making gurgling noises.

  “Water! Get him some water!” Melono yelled.

  As Captain Alex ran in circles looking for water, Larry left and came back holding a glass of brownish liquid.

  “Drink up.” He handed it over to Notmie.

  Notmie tried to drink what Larry had given him, but seeing as how his throat was almost entirely closed by now, the attempt was less than successful. As soon as the concoction had touched his throat, his gag reflex took over and sent the mixture shooting out all over Melono and Captain Alex, who looked down at their water- and saliva-soaked clothes, feeling they themselves might be about to throw up. Notmie, on the other hand, seemed to have benefited from the liquid, regardless of his inability to swallow, and in a few short seconds he was breathing again and fully able to talk.

  “ That was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever tasted. If you think I’m going to believe for one second that what you gave me was water, you’re sorely mistaken, mister!”

  Captain Alex sniffed his shirt before he wrung it out. “Ugh, it sure doesn’t smell like water.”

  “That’s because it wasn’t water,” Larry explained. “Plain water wouldn’t have made the swelling go down. That was a complicated mixture of herbs that I was preparing right before you all arrived.”

  “Wow, what a lucky coincidence!” Notmie said.

  Larry shook his head. “It was no coincidence.”

  “Wait, how did you know to prepare it before we came?” Captain Alex narrowed his eyes at the old man. “Are you… psychic?”

  Larry laughed. “No, I’m not psychic.”

  Captain Alex felt silly for asking the question and tried to cover for his error. “Of course not. I don’t believe in that bullsh—”

  “—But my mother is,” Larry added.

  Captain Alex was on a humiliating roll.

  “Ooo, can I meet her?” Notmie asked. “We could really use a psychic right about now.”

  “I know.” Larry settled into that familiar sense of ennui that comes from having a prophetic mother who tells you everything you’re going to say before you get a chance to say it. “I was just talking to her about that
before you came. She’s waiting upstairs, so if you all are through with the small-talk and choking, I’d be happy to introduce you to her.”

  “Cap’n, do you know what this means?” Notmie whispered.

  “Yeah, I do, Notmie.”

  “It means that maybe we can find a way to—”

  “I know, Notmie. Trust me, if you know, then I know and have known for at least the last five minutes.”

  The three of them followed Larry up a wide staircase onto a dim second-story landing.

  “Ugh,” Notmie announced, fanning the air in front of his nose. “It smells like smelly old people who smell up here.”

  “Notmie, sh!” Captain Alex ordered. “The old psychic bag might hear you!”

  “Trust me,” Larry said, “she already knew you were going to say it, but she’s still taken a liking to you.” Then he added in a quieter tone, “God only knows why.”

  They turned left and began walking down a narrow hall, the walls of which were covered with dusty tapestries and spider-webby portraits. The portraits were of grouchy old farmers, and Notmie was surprised to see that they weren’t African American like Larry was.

  “I’m adopted.” Larry answered the question before Notmie’s mind was able to string the proper words together. “Those are my ancestors.”

  “So, your mom’s not African American like you are?” Captain Alex asked.

  “Nope, she’s white like you all,” Larry replied.

  Captain Alex stopped walking and gasped. The others turned to look at him.

  “What the crap is wrong with you?” Notmie asked, flabbergasted.

  “I believe he’s offended,” Larry replied, begrudgingly going through the motions of the conversation he already knew he’d be forced to have.

  “What? Offended by what?” Notmie looked back and forth from Larry to The Captain, trying to figure out what he’d missed.

  “Sorry,” Larry began, “but I just think it’s silly to refer to you as—”

  “Oh!” Captain Alex started sardonically. “Of course! It’s ‘silly’ to give me the respect my ancestors fought for when they boarded that boat on their journey from the dangerous, smelly, disease-ridden ports of Ireland to the shining shores of the Americas. It’s ‘silly’ to try not to offend a guest in your own house by doing me the simple courtesy of referring to my heritage the way it deserves to be referred to. It’s ‘silly’—”

  “Jeez, fine.” Larry shook his head in disbelief at the spectacle The Captain was making, and then started over. “What I meant was, no, my mother is European American like you all.”

  “That’s more like it!” Captain Alex said righteously.

  “Oh my gosh, Alex, you’re so idiotic,” said Melono.

  Captain Alex wasn’t fazed by their judgments and folded his arms assertively. “Well, if I’m going to go to the trouble of calling him African American, it’s only polite for him to give me the same respect.”

  “But I don’t want you to refer to me as African American. I prefer ‘black.’ Call me black. ”

  Notmie folded his arms and tapped his foot demonstratively. “Can we get on with this? Your mother must be waiting for us.”

  “She’s not waiting, she knew we’d have this delay. She’s psychic, remember.” Larry shook his head again, only this time at Notmie

  “Okay, fine, but can we still get on with this? I’m getting impatient.”

  They walked a little farther down the hall before Notmie stopped in his tracks and gasped.

  Larry didn’t stop walking as he spoke, and didn’t even look back to see Notmie bend over and pick up the small, round object. “Just take it, Notmie, it’s not that important to me, and it’s really no cause for all your alarming gasping.”

  Captain Alex and Melono stopped to watch as Notmie brushed off the cobwebs. As he did so, Captain Alex realized what Notmie had just gasped about and gasped too.

  “I haven’t seen one of those in ages!”

  “What is that?” Melono asked.

  “What is—what—how—how can you not know what this is?” Captain Alex spat, motioning elaborately to what Notmie held.

  Still Melono wasn’t sure what was so special about that round thing Notmie was holding.

  “It’s a Yo-Yo Ball, Melono,” said Captain Alex. “A Yo-Yo Ball! These things were the shizzit when we were like… How old would you say we were, Notmie?”

  “Ten?”

  “Yeah, like nine or ten.” Captain Alex motioned to Notmie to let him hold it, and Notmie complied.

  “So, what exactly is it?” Melono asked, in spite of feeling like she was really wasting her time.

  As Captain Alex looked at Notmie, a grin spread across his face and he nodded coolly. He pulled a retractable string out of the sphere and placed a loop around his finger. Then, to Melono’s lack of amazement, he began yo-yoing with the ball.

  “Okay, I get it. It’s a yo-yo, what’s so special about that?”

  “What’s so—what’s so special—I’ll tell you what’s so special about this. I can’t use a yo-yo!” said Captain Alex, as if things should suddenly become obvious to Melono.

  “Then what are you doing right now, Alex?”

  “Haha! That’s just it! This yo-yo comes back automatically! You don’t even have to be able to yo-yo!” His voice held endless joy.

  “It’s so excellent,” Notmie whispered in awe as his eyes remained locked onto the yo-yo.

  “Ooo! That is impressive!” Melono said sarcastically. “They’ve made something simple into something even simpler! Brilliant!” Her expression turned serious again. “Okay, enough of this. Sorry, Larry, you’ll have to excuse these two dorks—”

  But as she turned to face Larry, she realized he was nowhere to be seen.

  “Whoa, where did Larry go?” Captain Alex asked, still yo-yoing.

  “You freaks,” Melono said, swatting at the yo-yo. “You got me all distracted and he’s left us. Now what are we supposed to do? Ugh, why am I even asking y’all? Y’all can’t even yo-yo.”

  “I think he went that way.” Notmie pointed down the long hall.

  “I suppose that’s the best guess we have,” Melono said.

  Notmie and Captain Alex followed behind as she continued in the direction where they last saw Larry.

  “Is it just me, or does this hallway go on for a long time?” asked Notmie. “I know it’s dark down there, but I feel like we should be able to see the end of it by now.”

  “Hmmm…” Melono stopped to think. “We better just try our luck with one of these rooms.”

  “Not that one,” Notmie said, pointing to an old closed door on their right.

  “Why not?” she asked.

  “It’s the thirteenth door on the right. You can’t enter the thirteenth door. It’s completely unlucky,” Notmie replied matter-of-factly.

  “You were counting? Ridiculous. No matter, that’s just superstition anyway. It’s as good as any door, why don’t we try it?” Melono started toward the door before Captain Alex added his opinion.

  “I agree with Notmie,” he said flatly.

  He had stopped yo-yoing and was looking gravely at Melono. She hesitated with her arm reaching for the doorknob and looked at the two of them. “Okay, okay, fine. We’ll go to the next one down.”

  As she was reaching for the next door, Captain Alex interrupted her again.

  “No, not that one either,” he said.

  “And why not?” Melono was getting exasperated.

  “It’s got a big sign on it saying, Do Not Enter.” The Captain pointed to it.

  “Oh, so it does.” Melono moved her hand slowly away from it. “What about the fifteenth door? Any problems with that?”

  “Nope,” Notmie said.

  “None here,” The Captain agreed.

  “Good. Okay.” Melono reached for the doorknob of the fifteenth door, looking a little edgy by then from all the objections.

  Notmie held his breath as he waited to see what was on th
e other side.

  Part 13

  Knock Knock

  Melono turned the knob and pulled, but the door seemed jammed. She tried it again, but it still didn’t budge.

  Upon failing for the third time she turned to the others and said, “It seems to be locked.”

  “Nonsense,” Captain Alex replied. “Nothing’s locked when I’m around.”

  He handed Notmie the Yo-Yo Ball, and then nudged Melono out of the way. He tried to open the door once with no success, so he began rotating the knob back and forth until he said, “There we go,” and the door swung open.

  “I never would have expected you to have that skill,” Melono commented.

  “They don’t call me Captain for nothing,” he replied, straightening out his cape.

  “Why do they call you Captain, anyway? And who are ‘they’?” Melono asked.

  Notmie held up his hand to stop her. “Trust me, Melono, you don’t want to get him started.”

  Melono heeded Notmie’s advice, because for now she was more interested in what was behind the door.

  The space behind the door was dark. They couldn’t see more than a few yards, but from what they could tell, it seemed to be a hallway that they were peering into. They stared for a while, all wondering what to do next. Would they venture into this scary, mysterious blackness even though they weren’t certain it would get them any closer to finding Larry and his prophetic mother, or would they forget about this alluring, unknown hallway and try a different door?

  They were all very torn about the options, but it was Notmie whose opinion persuaded them to make the decision they did.

  “This looks cool. Plus, Larry’s mom already knows what we’re going to do, so she’d be expecting us to go in here.”

  This was good enough for the other two, and so Notmie, Yo-Yo Ball in hand, led the way, followed by Captain Alex, swooshing his cape more than usual in the face of this adventure, and finally, Melono, who was still not convinced this was such a hot idea.

  As they walked down the hall, they soon found themselves enveloped by the darkness; however, they could still see the faint light coming in from behind them.

  “Melono, close the door behind you,” Captain Alex instructed.