The Fraud

by H. Claire Taylor

  “Are you crazy? I’m not doing that. We might become trapped if I do that.”

  “We won’t get trapped,” The Captain assured her.

  “How do you know?”

  “I just do, okay? Close the door.”

  “I will not!”

  “Why not?”

  “I just told you!” Melono snapped.

  “It’s not going to be that—”

  They all jumped as the door slammed shut.

  “Oh, now you close it,” Captain Alex said, sounding overly exasperated.

  “That wasn’t me,” Melono whispered.

  “Then I guess it was Notmie. Notmie, where are you?”

  “I’m up here.”

  A shiver crawled down Melono’s body. She ran forward a few steps until she could feel Captain Alex’s arm and grabbed a hold of it.

  “Hey there,” he said in his most suave voice. “I know a damsel in distress when I see one… or in this case, when I feel one.”

  “Ew. Cut it out, Alex. This is completely platonic, and you generally gross me out, so don’t get any ideas, okay?”

  She wants me bad, he thought, allowing a satisfied smile to spread across his face.

  Thud!

  Melono and Captain Alex both stood, scared frozen, as seconds passed. The complete darkness that was now around them was so thick that it even covered up the sounds of the heavy breaths they both took as their hearts pounded in their necks. Lucky for Captain Alex, it was dark, so neither of the others could see his wide-eyed look of terror.

  “Notmie. Pst. Notmie. Are you okay up there?” Melono whispered.

  A loud groan echoed from ahead of them.

  “I think I found another door,” Notmie said.

  “You think? How do you know what it is?” Captain Alex asked, trying to sound authoritative.

  “Well,” Notmie began, “it’s obviously wood, and very hard wood at that. I just ran into it facefirst, so I should know. Also, I can feel two large handles, so it must be those big doors… what are they called?”

  Captain Alex raised his fist in the air at the suspiciousness of it all (though nobody could see). “French doors, Notmie, French doors.”

  “Should I try to open them?” Notmie asked.

  “What other option do we have besides going back?” Melono asked.

  “Okay, that’s true.” Notmie tried the door. He pulled and pulled but it wouldn’t budge.

  “It’s not working,” he finally said. “Come here and help me out, Cap’n.”

  Captain Alex fumbled his way through the darkness.

  “I’m a little disoriented, Notmie, can you make some noise so I know where you are?”

  “Aye, aye, Cap’n.”

  Notmie proceeded to emit loud booping sounds, duplicating radar as best he could until his flailing arms found Captain Alex’s and guided him to where the door was. The Captain’s hand groped around until it found the handles. He began pulling on them himself.

  “These can’t quite be manipulated the same way a knob is, but I think I might know what to do.”

  Neither of the other two could see what The Captain was attempting, but they could both hear as his frustration levels began to rise.

  “Have you tried—” Melono began.

  “Hey! Who’s the damn Captain here? I know what I’m doing! Aaaarg! Why won’t you open?!”

  “Why don’t you try pushing it?” Melono said, regardless of how much Captain Alex didn’t want her help. But in spite of all this, he still tried it. And it worked. “You dork,” Notmie said.

  “What? You couldn’t get it either!” said Captain Alex.

  “Yeah, but I’m not a Captain or a specialist in door opening.”

  There wasn’t any light behind these doors either.

  “Should we go on?” Notmie asked.

  “What choice do we have?” Melono reminded him.

  Notmie knew Melono had a point still, so he stepped ahead of The Captain (though not without stepping on The Captain’s foot in passing, causing a startling yelp followed by an unimpressive use of vocabulary) and boldly walked past where he imagined the French doors must be, never looking back. (What would be the point of looking back in pitch black anyway? Notmie couldn’t think of one, but he still liked to think of his restraint as an act of courage.) Always forward, never back, boldly going where no Captain Alex had gone before, always forward, never back, always for—

  Thunk.

  “Dang it, I think there’s another door here, Cap’n. Maybe we should let Melono go ahead and handle this one.”

  “Pish-posh.” Captain Alex made his way forward in the dark. “Out of my way, amateur.”

  “Ouch! Jeez, Cap’n, that was my eyeball! Was that your elbow that hit me?”

  “No, it was my fist, and trust me, it hurt me more than it hurt you,” The Captain said offhandedly.

  “I’m not sure how that makes any sense, Cap’n,” Notmie said.

  Thunk.

  “There’s the door,” said The Captain, trying to sound like he ran into it on purpose. “But there doesn’t seem to be a handle, not one that I can find at least.”

  “What about a knob?” Notmie asked.

  “That was implied when I said a handle.” Captain Alex was growing exasperated with Notmie’s obvious lack of faith in his abilities.

  Melono figured she might as well go take a crack at this handleless (and allegedly knobless) door. Making sure she wouldn’t step on the toes or cause any other type of physical harm to the others, she ran her hand against the wall to guide her way to the door and to take up as little space as possible as she went.

  “Wait, stop bickering, you two. Let me see what I can do with this door.”

  She was almost right on top of the other two, who were busy sending cheap shots back and forth about door-opening skills, when her hand hit something solid sticking out of the wall.

  “Found it, you guys. Hey! I found the knob.” Then a little quieter: “You morons.”

  They both stopped bickering immediately.

  “So, what we must have hit,” Notmie began, “was a wall, not a door.”

  “Excellent work, Notmie. Now if you don’t mind, move aside and let the master work his magic,” Captain Alex said.

  There wasn’t much magic to be worked, because almost as soon as he began working—actually, as soon as he turned the knob—the door swung open and light rays temporarily blinded the trio (“Disco Ball Blindness!” Melono hollered, but only Notmie got the joke, causing Captain Alex to gripe about how no one would explain it to him) as they entered the newly discovered room and Notmie haphazardly closed the door behind them without a thought as to the consequences of such an action.

  Once his eyes adjusted to the light, he was immediately sorry that he had closed the door, because when he could finally see what the room looked like, he saw it over and over and over and over, repeating on into infinity.

  “Mirrors,” Captain Alex said, raising a fist at the brilliant scheming of it all.

  “Did I ever tell you that I’m afraid of mirrors?” Notmie asked.

  “Now, when would you have told either of us that you were afraid of mirrors?” Melono asked. “I’ve only known you for a couple days, and Alex just met you today. And why are you afraid of mirrors?” she asked. “That’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard of, not to mention completely contradictory to your obsession with looking at yourself!”

  Notmie’s expression got deadly serious. “Have you ever seen The Shining?”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me!” Melono exclaimed. “ That’s why you’re scared of mirrors? Alex, did you hear that?”

  But it was quite obvious Captain Alex had heard it, for he was already doubled over laughing, hands on his knees to keep himself from falling over.

  “For crying out loud, Alex,” Melono said, throwing her hands up into the air in exasperation, “it wasn’t that funny. Anyway, shouldn’t we be focusing our energy on trying to find our way out
of this crazy room?”

  “Notmie seems to think so,” Captain Alex replied, muffling another laugh as he pointed to the fetal-positioned Notmie now clutching one hand over his eyes while the other pulled his knees to his chest.

  Melono and The Captain ran their hands all along the mirrors, trying to find some sort of door. They had nearly covered the entire room before Captain Alex’s hands were no longer supported by a wall and he fell forward onto the floor.

  Melono walked past Captain Alex until her extended arms found a wall a few feet farther. “I guess this is what the rest of the room is mirroring,” she said.

  There was a clear path to the left and the right, leading behind the mirrored walls, raising the question of which way to take. Once the mirror-covered door through which they’d entered into the room had shut behind them, they had become completely disoriented and lost track of where they wanted to go. The fact that they had no particular place in mind when they ventured into the dark hall in the first place didn’t help as they tried to make the decision.

  “Notmie, come on,” Melono said. “Pull yourself together, and let’s get out of this place. I’m not even afraid of mirrors and this is starting to creep me out.” She helped Notmie off of the floor (though he still insisted on covering up his eyes until he was no longer facing the mirrors) and toward the hallway they had found.

  “Right. Turn right,” Notmie said.

  So, with no better decision-making method, they turned left.

  Unlike the hallway of doors, this hall was lit just dimly enough so that they could see where they were going. There wasn’t enough light, however, to clearly make out the faces of those in the portraits that lined the walls, and the trio found themselves staying as close to the center of the hallway as they could, keeping their distance from the twisted human shapes that seemed to stare back at them from both sides.

  “Melono, can we pick up the pace here? I swear the portraits are making faces at me,” Notmie began.

  “I actually agree with you on this one, Notmie. Come on, Alex, let’s get a move on.”

  She nudged The Captain, who was just a step ahead of her, urging him to quicken pace.

  The hall took a sharp left turn, then a sharp right, though not as sharp as the left, but still rather sharp. Sharp enough, that is, to completely disorient them as they keep walking onward.

  Captain Alex stopped walking.

  “This is ridiculous, for all we know we could be going in a circle! Let’s just go back the way we came and find our way back to where we lost Larry.”

  He looked at the others for their consent, but he found none.

  “Alex, we really have come a long way,” Melono said. “This house can’t be that big. Eventually we’ll find ourselves somewhere we need to be, like the living room or the stair landing or someplace. I think going back would be too hard, not to mention we’d never find the door out of the room of mirrors.” Melono pointed at Notmie as she finished, and Captain Alex knew what she was hinting. There was no way Notmie would be able to stand going through the room of mirrors again without serious psychological damage.

  “Why did we even go down that stupid hall in the first place?” Notmie whined.

  “Wait, wasn’t it your idea?” Captain Alex replied resentfully.

  “Yeah, but… Well, there’s no but. It was my idea.” Notmie shrugged. “Let’s just keep going the way we’re going.”

  “The last time we listened to you we ended up in that freaky hallway,” Melono replied.

  “Yes,” Notmie got a sly look on his face, “but the last time you didn’t listen to me we ended up turning left into this hallway where we are now, and you also assume that was a mistake, too. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, I’d say.” He snickered at the brilliant observation he’d just made and then continued walking down the stuffy hall.

  Against their better judgment, the other two followed.

  One more corner, then suddenly a door.

  “Hmmm…” The Captain began, “maybe not listening to you last time was a good idea. It seems we’ve finally found a way out of this maze!”

  “Or it could just be another series of doors,” Melono suggested.

  “Or you could just stop raining on my parade,” Captain Alex replied.

  Notmie tried the knob and it opened easily. Much to the dismay of their eyeballs, they entered a brightly lit room, squinting as they proceeded forward.

  Notmie heard Larry’s voice speaking as he stumbled in, though at first he paid no attention to it. “When you said they’d take a while to get here, I had no idea you meant this long.”

  Then only a mumbling reply could be heard.

  “Well,” Larry continued, “yeah, I mean, I guess I shouldn’t have expected it any sooner when it comes to the guys, but Melono always seemed smart enough. Maybe not smart enough to compensate for, um certain weak links, but then again, who really is?”

  Mumbles, followed by Larry’s hearty laughter.

  “Ha! You’re sure right about that one, Ma. Say, would you three like to have a seat?” He suppressed a laugh as he addressed them, motioning to three large armchairs that had just become visible to their sensitive eyes.

  Notmie and Captain Alex finally caught sight of Larry’s mother, hunched in a chair, blanket draped over her lap, looking more dead than alive as her face seemed to be suffocating under its own wrinkles.

  Melono took a seat. “Larry, what the heck was that all about? That seemed a bit unnecessary, you leaving us and all.”

  “Yeah, but you learned an important lesson about your friend, didn’t you?” He smiled furtively at her.

  They both began to laugh, and Melono shook her head. “I should have known.”

  Captain Alex and Notmie felt entirely left out of the joke.

  Melono sighed. “That’s what I love about you and your mother, Larry, such great senses of humor. It never fails to amuse me.”

  “Yes, and practical ones, too,” Larry added.

  “But how did you know about the mirrors? I think that was a brilliant touch.” Melono chuckled again.

  Larry just pointed to his mother and laughed some more at the hilarity of it all.

  “Well, now we know,” Melono said.

  “Now we know,” Larry replied.

  “Now we know,” Melono repeated vaguely, shaking her head in good humor as she spoke.

  “Now we know what?” Notmie finally asked.

  “Don’t be thick,” The Captain replied, trying to fit in.

  “Well, if you’re so smart, Cap’n, then tell me what they know!”

  “Yeah, Alex, what do we now know?” Melono asked, looking for some cheap amusement.

  He was feeling pinned, or at least that’s the excuse he would later give to explain why he said what he said.

  “Man! Who’s feeling really thirsty all of a sudden?”

  “That’s about what I expected him to say,” Melono said apologetically to Larry.

  Captain Alex officially felt like a fool, and he was sick of it. Being the idiot was Notmie’s role, not his. He had to take a stand.

  “So, what about that water?” Not the stand he had wanted to take, but it was what came out.

  Larry chuckled in a good-natured way.

  “Right, here we are.” And he pulled out a small tray with three glasses of water on it.

  Notmie eyed the glass suspiciously. “This isn’t that nasty crap you gave me earlier, is it?”

  “No, this is just water.”

  Melono accepted a glass and took a quick sip, realizing that she was in fact quite thirsty. “So, Larry,” she began, “I believe we were here to speak to your mother about Notmie and Captain Alex’s situation. Can we cut the small talk that your mother already told you we would cut and get to business?”

  Larry smiled. Notmie gulped. Captain Alex still felt silly.

  “All right, then, let’s get down to it!” Larry began. “I know why you’re all here, you know why you’re all here, at le
ast I sure hope you do, but then again—” He snuck a glace at Notmie. “Anyway, I’ll spare all of us the monotony of repeating what events have led you to my mother and me today. As you were all fumbling your way through the Blind Hallway and the Room of Self-Reflection, my mother has informed me of all the answers you seek. Whether or not I’m going to tell you everything you want to know is a different story entirely. Some of the answers you seek you will be able to find in one another, so I won’t need to tell you them. But for now, I’ll tell you what we both think needs to be said. Who should I start with?”

  Notmie raised his hand. Larry turned away from him and pointed at Melono.

  “You, for what questions are you seeking answers?”

  She scrunched her face together in thought, and then shrugged.

  “I don’t really have any pressing questions. I guess I would like to know if my career’s going anywhere and if Mae and Hal will ever be caught, now that these two goofs messed up our chance.”

  “Yes and yes.” He beamed, obviously deriving pleasure from Melono’s satisfied expression.

  After a moment’s time to think about the answers that had been given, Larry turned to the next batter up.

  “Brodie Alexander Jones,” Larry rolled the syllables around on his tongue before continuing. “What would you like to know?”

  Captain Alex was caught off guard by the use of his full name, but he recovered after a few seconds then began to gather his thoughts.

  Then he erupted.

  “What is my connection with quiche? What’s with the French? What did that fortune teller mean by ‘set things right?’ Have I already done it? How did he know about the bed wetting? He said I would need a cape before it was all over, but I haven’t used it yet, so is there going to be a time where it comes in handy in the near future? Where can I buy a beret? Why did the French kill my parents? What time is it? How do you understand your mother, because lord knows we have no idea what she’s saying. What was the point of that stupid ‘Blind Hallway’ and the ‘Room of Self-Reflection’? How is Notmie afraid of mirrors even though he looks at himself in them all the time? What does the word ‘lugubrious’ mean? How come the end of the rainbow—”

  But Larry held up his hand to silence Captain Alex who stopped talking immediately, looking slightly ashamed by his outburst.