The Street of Broken Dreams

by Tania Crosse

  Cissie walked through the hallway towards the kitchen, her jaw set firmly. She’d left the café in a daze, her legs feeling unsteady. She was grateful that her colleagues had already set out in whichever direction they were headed, since at that moment she didn’t feel she could enter into any coherent conversation. But as she’d sat in the compartment for the short train journey, her reeling senses had gradually settled. She decided to walk from the station at the other end rather than catch a bus. It would give her more thinking time. And as she made her way through the Sunday morning streets, her resolve began to strengthen.

  ‘Ah, Cissie, sweetheart!’

  Bridie looked up at once from peeling potatoes at the table and stepped forward to hug her daughter. Ron was sitting in his chair, and his face lit up like the sun to see his special girl. Wrapped for a moment in her mother’s arms, Cissie’s throat closed up. Her dearest family, who’d endured so much because of her.

  ‘Mmm, you had a good week?’ Ron asked as she went to give him a kiss.

  ‘Yes, I have.’ Cissie made sure her smile was radiant. ‘In fact, the show’s doing so well, I was given a bonus.’ She opened her handbag and taking out the bulging envelope, placed it on the table. ‘There!’ she crowed triumphantly.

  Bridie gazed down at the package, her jaw sagging in astonishment. ‘Sure, that must be a small fortune, so it must.’

  ‘Well, we’re sold out for the whole three months,’ Cissie explained. It wasn’t a complete lie, after all. There were indeed very few tickets left. The bonus idea was fabrication, of course. She might reveal the truth in time. But for now she needed to sleep on her encounter with Private Saul Williams, and she wanted her parents to have the money straight away.

  ‘It’ll come in handy for some things for Jane,’ she continued, giving her mother a knowing look.

  Bridie nodded her head. ‘If that’s what you want. But I’ll be buying some material out of it to make you a new frock, so I will. Haven’t we got enough unused coupons to paper a wall. Talking of which, I pooled our rations to buy a joint for today. A hand and spring, so it’ll do a few days into the week, as well. I’ve only just got back from Mass, so I haven’t put it in the oven yet, and I didn’t know what time you’d be back.’

  ‘So I’ve got a couple of hours, then? Only I wanted to spend some time with Jake.’

  The words rolled around in her mouth like gravel. She saw the little smile on Bridie’s face. Her mum would have gained the wrong impression, but it couldn’t be helped.

  ‘Off you go, then. Zac’s taken Jane round the block in the pram to try to get her off to sleep. Grizzly, so she’s been. Think she’s teething.’

  ‘OK, Mum, thanks. See you later.’

  Cissie turned from the room, her feet suddenly dragging. But she needed to talk to Jake, and it was now or never. She left her handbag in her room. She didn’t even want to think about the paper scrunched up at the bottom.

  When she knocked on the door to Number Eight, she was half relieved and half fearful when it was Jake who answered it. She couldn’t read the expression on his face.

  ‘Jake,’ she said, and he nodded a silent greeting. Oh, Lord. ‘Jake, about last night,’ she went on in a rush, abandoning the words she’d rehearsed. ‘It’s a long story. Can we go somewhere quiet? To the park?’

  ‘Yes, of course. I’ll just tell Mum I’m going out.’

  Cissie waited, chewing her lip. But Jake returned within a minute.

  ‘I reckon they all think there’s something romantic developing between us,’ he said wryly, pulling the door shut behind him. ‘I wish there was. At least, I think I do. You were phenomenal last night, you know. I fell in love with you all over again.’

  They’d reached the end of the street and had to concentrate on crossing the main road. With private cars starting to emerge again, traffic was generally becoming heavier. It made a good enough excuse not to reply. For Jake’s words had been a spike in her side.

  ‘I really loved the show,’ he enthused when they’d reached the pavement on the far side and were walking along Cambridge Road. ‘I didn’t tell anyone I was going ’cos I wanted it all to myself. To savour the moment. I’ve never been to a live performance before; it was amazing.’

  ‘I’m glad you enjoyed it.’ The platitude tripped easily from Cissie’s tongue, denying the angst that churned inside. She was thankful when Jake went on to comment on the various acts. His praise was gratifying, yet it felt as if they were both tiptoeing round the reason they were there.

  By the time they walked in through the Sun Gate entrance to the park, Cissie’s pulse was gearing up. They’d dropped into an awkward silence that Cissie filled by searching out a bench somewhere quiet. It wasn’t easy with it being a summer Sunday and so many people flocking to the park. She finally spotted an empty seat under a tree away from any roadway or path, where they could talk without too much distraction.

  ‘So, you want to know what was going on last night,’ she began, fighting to hold together the tortured splinters of her heart.

  ‘Well, yes.’ Sitting beside her, Jake sounded equally as awkward. ‘I was worried about you, with that fellow.’

  ‘As it happens, there was no need to be,’ Cissie assured him. ‘But you deserve the truth. You’ve been so kind. Only… I hope it won’t make you hate me.’

  ‘Hate you?’ Jake protested. ‘Why should I do that?’

  Cissie stole a sideways glance at him. ‘Because I’ve been lying to you. We all have. My entire family.’

  She saw Jake frown, and her heart wanted to cry out. ‘With good reason, I’m sure,’ he murmured, closing his fingers around her hand.

  She instantly pulled away. ‘Judge that for yourself when I’ve told you everything. The thing is…’ She hesitated, but now the moment had come, she felt unbelievably calm about it. Resigned, weary of the lies, perhaps. She clasped her hands in her lap, staring resolutely at them. ‘The thing is,’ she repeated, ‘we never lived in Islington. We weren’t bombed out. We were driven out from where we lived. By nasty remarks, people calling us names. Well, me mainly. We had rubbish stuffed through our letter box. Poison letters. I even had stones thrown at me in the street.’

  ‘What!’ Jake’s eyes flashed with anger.

  But Cissie shook her head. ‘It was my own fault, really. They didn’t understand. Because I didn’t want to tell them. I felt so ashamed, humiliated. Guilty, even though it wasn’t my fault. It’s… really hard to talk about. So…’ She turned back to Jake, gently placing her forefinger over his lips. ‘Please don’t say a word until I’ve finished. I know you’ll be shocked and angry. But I hope you won’t think too badly of me, because I value your friendship.’

  ‘No, I won’t think that!’

  She could see the fire in his eyes and gave the hint of a wry smile before she folded her hands in her lap again, fixing her gaze on them. ‘Well,’ she began, bowing her head further, ‘Jane isn’t my sister. She’s mine. And the reason we were hounded out was that our neighbours thought I was a fallen woman. But it wasn’t like that, at all. If it had been, it might’ve been easier.’

  She felt Jake shift beside her, but he kept to his word. Her heart shrivelled, but she had to tell him. Everything. So she began with what happened that night, how her parents had come to look for her when she hadn’t arrived home, and found her crawling from the bomb site. How her mother had called in the police, who in turn had called in the US Military, who’d treated the matter with grave severity. But all to no avail. How she’d later discovered she was pregnant, but rather than give Jane up to the authorities, Bridie had persuaded her to keep the child and she and Ron would bring it up as theirs. But with their neighbours not knowing the truth and being so horrible, they’d decided to move on and make a fresh start where nobody knew it was she who’d had the baby and not Bridie. By saying they’d been bombed out, they’d hoped to gain people’s sympathy rather than hostility. And how, out of the blue, Private Saul Williams had turned up the
night before and given her the name of her attacker. How she believed what he said, but dreaded to think what the consequences could be.

  ‘And now I don’t know what to do,’ Cissie concluded in a whisper.

  She heard Jake draw in a deep breath and then release it in a long, heartfelt stream. She couldn’t bear to look at him. Didn’t want to see the distaste on his face, so waited silently for his reply while her heart knocked against her ribs.

  When he finally spoke, Jake’s words weren’t what she’d expected. ‘So, at the theatre, they didn’t know what had really happened, either?’

  Cissie shook her head. ‘No. Only Sean. We have a special relationship, you see. He even offered to marry me, bless him, and say the baby was his. Not that anyone would’ve believed it. So he came up with the idea that I’d developed a mild case of TB and had to go away to recuperate. I said I’d been in Devon because I knew there was a sanitorium from when I was evacuated there at the start of the war.’

  ‘Yes, that’s what the girl I was talking to before you came out said. The fair-haired dancer. The one who did a couple of solos.’

  ‘Oh, Deirdre,’ Cissie scoffed. ‘That doesn’t surprise me. She doesn’t like me because she filled in for me while I was away and reckoned she should keep the role when I came back.’

  ‘She certainly seemed surprised when I said you’d been away because of your ankle. So why did you tell us something different?’

  ‘Oh, that was because of Zac. If we’d kept to the TB story, he might’ve let the cat out of the bag. Forgotten that I was supposed to have been away for months. And apart from Sean, he’d never see anyone from the theatre, so it seemed the safest thing.’

  ‘Oh, I see. And what about the baby? Why did you let your mum persuade you to keep her? Isn’t she a constant reminder of what happened?’

  Cissie felt the familiar stab of pain in her side. ‘Yes, she is. But she’s still half mine. And she’s the only grandchild Mum and Dad are ever likely to have. Zac, well, he never even realised I was pregnant. I never got really huge like some people do, and I wore loose clothes. Zac doesn’t understand about things like that. But most of all, Mum was once the nurse in a big children’s home, and she didn’t want her grandchild abandoned to somewhere like that. And she’s always been so good about everything, supporting me becoming a dancer when I could’ve earned more money elsewhere. And she was marvellous when Jane was born. Delivered her, helped me through it all. I couldn’t deny Mum the chance of being a grandmother. Because, after what happened, I could never let a man near me again. Even if I loved him.’ She forced herself to steal a glance at Jake, and her soul fragmented as she saw the pain written on his face.

  He swallowed hard.

  ‘Not even… if that someone was prepared to wait?’ he croaked. ‘To take things as slowly as you wanted?’

  Cissie felt cruel shards of glass in her heart as she shook her head. ‘No. But what I need now is to decide what to do. I’m not sure I even want to know the bastard’s name, let alone face him in court. Go through it all again. Be publicly humiliated. We’ve already had to move on once. We don’t want to be forced to do it again. And my career could be ruined if the truth got out. And do I really want to send my daughter’s father to the gallows?’

  Misery tightened into a desolate fist inside her and Cissie turned her head to look steadily at Jake. She could see his eyes were pools of anguish and a deep frown raked across his forehead. He opened his arms as if to draw her to him, but she instinctively backed away.

  ‘Jake, I’m sorry,’ she muttered as her insides lurched.

  She waited, listening to him give another deep sigh. She knew she must have hurt him terribly, so she was surprised by his next words.

  ‘Don’t say that. None of this is your fault. But I can’t decide for you. Only you can do that. But what I do know is that you need to take your time. And shouldn’t you talk to your parents about it?’

  Cissie gave a brief shake of her head. ‘No. I don’t think so, anyway. I don’t want to bring the pain of it back again unless I have to. I think Mum’s still so angry that she’d encourage me to go back to the police. But she hasn’t met Private Williams. She wouldn’t understand that I’d be worried it’d go wrong for him. And Dad… He blames himself that he wasn’t able to protect me. He still has funny turns from the first war. A type of shellshock. An upset like that could bring on a serious episode. No, Jake.’ She turned to him, grasping his arm so that he’d look directly at her. ‘You’re the only person I’m telling about Private Williams. I’m not even telling Sean. He’d just fly off the handle. No. You’re the only one I trust to keep a level head. To help me decide what to do.’

  Jake pulled in his chin as the enormity of the situation washed through him, thoughts racing about in his head. All he wanted was for Cissie to be happy. To recover from the terrible ordeal that had broken her life. Her revelation had been a massive shock to him, although at least he knew now why she felt she could never properly love a man. He was the only one she trusted to help her make this huge decision. Her words were like arrows darting about in his brain. It was all too much.

  ‘Look, Cissie,’ he said on a long exhalation of breath. ‘We’re both of us only eighteen. And this is… too big for us to handle on our own. I’m pleased you felt able to confide in me, but… There is one other person we can trust. You mightn’t think so, but then you don’t know her like I do. And sometimes it helps to talk to someone who’s just that bit removed. And she has the most remarkable ability to see through things.’

  Cissie blinked slowly. ‘I’m… not sure,’ she murmured. ‘Who?’

  Jake’s mouth curved with compassion. ‘Someone closer than you think. Best wait until tomorrow, though. She’ll be on her own. But for now, seeing as we’re here, shall we go for a stroll? Seems a pity not to.’

  He stood up, holding out his hand. Cissie got to her feet, doubting, perplexed. Unsure. But she found her hand moving forward, and Jake’s fingers closed gently over hers. It felt safe and warm and secure.

  *

  Eva’s fingers had been resting softly against her lips. She’d sat, quietly listening while Cissie emptied out her heart. She’d been knocked sideways by the revelation, although in some ways, she wasn’t surprised. She’d always felt the family were hiding some sort of secret. But she hadn’t expected this.

  She felt herself stumble through every emotion, just as she knew the poor kid and her family would have done. Shock, horror, anger, frustration, sadness. Followed by admiration for their courage. She could see unshed tears collecting in Cissie’s eyes as she finished her story. Eva’s warm, golden heart brimmed over, and she hurried round the kitchen table to hold Cissie’s trembling form against her.

  ‘There, there, luvvie,’ she crooned. ‘That’s right. Have a good cry. It’s what you need.’

  She waited patiently, Cissie’s tears ripping her to shreds. It was bloody awful what the girl had been through, and it wasn’t over yet. Jake had landed her with a flaming big responsibility. She was flattered by his faith in her, but was she up to it? But that’s what you did for your children, wasn’t it? Anything.

  She knew, though, that no one cried forever, and Cissie’s sobs gradually eased. The girl pulled back, sniffing, and rubbing her fingers over her tear-ravaged cheeks.

  ‘Oh, Mrs Parker, what am I to do?’ she gulped.

  ‘Call me Eva, ducks.’ Compassion was etched into Eva’s lined face. ‘And for now, you do nothing. Though it seems to me you’ve already got all the pros and cons worked out. You don’t really want to open up a can of worms. Justice might seem sweet, but it’d come at a bleeding great price.’

  Cissie gave a wry grimace. Yes, Jake was right. His mum had hit the nail on the head.

  ‘Yes.’ Cissie swallowed down the last of her tears. ‘But… what if he did it again? I’d hate to think of someone else going through the same thing when I could’ve prevented it.’

  Eva leant back, tipping her head
to one side as she contemplated the tension on Cissie’s face. ‘You know, love, sometimes in life you have to be a bit selfish. Think just of yourself. I think in your heart of hearts, you just want to put it behind you. Pick up the pieces of your life as best you can, and get on with it. But you need time to make up your mind for sure. My advice to you is to carry on as normal. I think that’s what this Private Williams chappie understood. That’s why he wrote them details down for you like he did. Took him a year to work out what he wanted to do. He wanted to give you the same choice. So dry your eyes, and I’ll put the kettle on. But I’m always here if you want to talk to me again. About anything.’

  ‘Oh, Eva.’ Cissie’s shoulders slumped as the fight drained out of her. ‘I think you’re right. I’ll try and put it out of my mind for now.’

  ‘That’s right. You’ll know when you’re ready to make that decision.’

  ‘And you didn’t mind me coming to talk to you? You won’t tell anyone else what I’ve told you, will you?’

  ‘That’s one thing Evangeline Parker can do. I’m a bloody awful cook, and I’m not much better at sewing. But I know how to keep me gob shut.’

  Cissie couldn’t stop a wan smile appearing on her lips. ‘Thank you, Mrs Parker, I mean, Eva. It’s just that I really don’t want Mum and Dad knowing about Private Williams. That I had the option of… well, you know. Not unless that’s what I decide, and then they’ll have to know.’

  ‘No need to worry. Really. As far as I’m concerned, you never came through that door today.’

  ‘Oh, thanks, Eva. I do appreciate it. And you’re right. I do feel better for talking to you.’

  ‘Feel even better with a cuppa inside you. And let me see if I can find a biscuit to go with it,’ Eva winked as she trotted off towards the scullery.

  Cissie watched her go. What a wonderful woman she was. Because of her, Cissie was already feeling that the twisted threads of her life were beginning to unravel.

  Twenty-Six

  Mildred shoved open the kitchen door, humming as she did so. And then leapt back with a choking gasp.