Love's Wall

by Karen Deen

  As I tried to sit up and lean over Sammy to silence the alarm, my hand felt the sheet and then my relaxing dream quickly turned to a bad dream. The sheets were all wet and so were my pyjama pants. I felt Sammy and his pyjama bottoms were saturated.

  Welcome to Monday morning, Emily. The day has already turned to crap and you haven’t even made it out of bed yet. My poor Sammy. As much as I wanted to scream, my heart just wanted to wrap up my little boy and make him feel safe. Ever since we had to move into this apartment, he had started wetting his bed at night again. The doctor had said it should get better once he adjusted to the change. How long that would take was anyone’s guess.

  I felt terrible that my moving the kids again had made him vulnerable, but I’d had no other choice. When the landlord of the previous flat said he had to put the rent up, I knew our days were numbered. I tried to barter with him, offering to do odd jobs around the complex. I tried everything short of begging, but he had always been an arrogant, heartless man. He was short with a podgy stomach and greasy hair, balding on the top but had three strands of hair he combed over the top all the time. It looked ridiculous. He thought he was pretty hot, but the only reaction he brought to my mind was vomiting.

  I had always kept my interaction minimal, but remained polite. We needed the apartment. It was a good neighborhood and close to the twin’s school and my job. It was clean, tidy and within my budget. There were other children in the block around the same age, which made play time easier to entertain the twins. I made some friends and we helped each other out with the kids.

  When the landlord dropped the bombshell of the rent increase, he stood and watched me crumble in front of him. When I offered to work around the complex to help pay the increase, he refused. He then put his hand on my arm and started to slide it up towards my shoulder. I shuddered and pulled away instantly. He then had the hide to tell me we could work off the rent increase another way and he would keep it just between us. I felt the bile in my throat and couldn’t stop my reaction, which happened simultaneously with the last word coming out of his slimy mouth.

  My hand collided with his cheek hard. He jerked his head to the side and his three comb-over hairs flew up in the air. I didn’t wait for him to speak. I turned on my heels and shouted over my shoulder where he could shove his offer and that I would be out by the next weekend (which was when my rent was paid up to).

  I stormed back into my apartment and slammed the door. Luckily, the kids were over at Maria’s playing. Once inside, I leaned back against the door and slid down to the floor. Tears fell hard as I curled my knees up to my chest. Once again, I had no home for Samuel and Sophia and that ripped a hole through my heart.

  I sat and cried for a few minutes until I could get my breath back. Okay, Princess. Time to suck it up and get on with finding a new home. You have been in this position before and you can get through it again. I never let myself believe life would be okay and get easier, because it never did for us. Not sure why, but that was just our life. If you accepted it, then it made it easier to cope with.

  The next day, I went to work and started asking around for a new unit. Janine knew of a place next door to her grandmother. It was a bit rundown, but was cheap and tidy. Old Mrs. Turner’s neighbor had a stroke and had to go into care, so the apartment was coming up for rent.

  It wasn’t ideal, being further to travel to work and school. Without a car, it meant two connecting buses or a subway trip and a walk. Sadly, though, it was my only option. I signed the lease with the manager and used the little savings I had to put down the bond. I would be owed my bond from the old apartment, but I had a feeling the landlord would find some reason to withhold it.

  Janine and Louisa from work organized their husbands to come around with trucks and help me move the small amount of furniture we had. I was glad to get out of there, but Samuel and Sophia both cried as we walked out of the complex for the last time. They had friends and were upset to leave. At the age of seven, this had happened way too many times already. As much as I promised we would visit, the reality is that we wouldn’t. Life was hard on a daily basis and it was about to get that little bit harder.

  That was seven months ago, and I was right - life had gotten harder. Sammy’s bed wetting was just one thing. Soph had become withdrawn and quiet. There weren’t many kids here to play with, so she tended to just stay inside and play on her own or with Sammy. She was happy enough, but her confidence was definitely becoming an issue. With all the extra travel needed each day, I was exhausted by the time we got home. My patience was short, and I found I yelled too much at the kids.

  This morning’s wet bed episode was just the perfect start to the day. I wanted to scream ‘Why me?’ at the top of my lungs, but couldn’t. Especially when I looked down at my sleeping angel who was wet and stunk of pee. He loved me unconditionally, no matter how bad a mother I felt I was.

  “Sammy baby, you need to wake up little man. You’re all wet and we need to have a shower and get the sheets in the washer.” Sammy looked up at me through his half open eyes with sadness.

  “I’m sorry, Mommy, I tried really hard, but it just doesn’t work. Why doesn’t it work, Mommy?” Now those little baby blue eyes were filling with tears as they looked up at me.

  “It’s okay, little man. It will fix itself soon. You will forget all about these days.” At least, I hoped it would. I’m not sure how much more either of us could take.

  “Jump up, Sammy, and head to the bathroom. I will grab the sheets, then you and I will have a quick shower before we wake Sophia up. What do you say?”

  “Okay, Mommy. Can we have magic smiley cakes for breakfast, pretty please?” As I looked down at those puppy eyes, I almost gave in. I knew I just couldn’t possibly do it.

  “Sorry bud, not today. We can’t be late for school. On Saturday, I promise, alright? Pinkie promise?” As he lifted his tiny hand up to mine to link our pinkies, I gave him a little kiss on the hand and said, “Sealed deal”.

  “Sealed deal,” Sammy replied and then sat up and started to climb out of my bed. He wandered down the hall to the bathroom.

  With our sheets and pyjamas now washing, I turned on the shower and Sammy and I quickly jumped in together. It was not ideal, but unfortunately, a necessity. I had to cut costs where I could, so we showered together. On the weekends, the kids got the treat of a bath. That meant I got a cold bath after they’d finished playing. It sucked, but it was helping to get little savings behind me again after the move. With Christmas coming up and heading into the winter, I would need the extra money.

  While dressing Samuel, I reached over to Sophia’s bed in their shared room and kissed her little cheek, which was poking out of her blankets. “Time to wake up for school, Sophia, my princess.” She blinked once and was then wide awake. Looking around, she smiled as she found Pinkie the pink bear that she’d slept with since she was born.

  “Morning, Mommy!” She reached up for a cuddle and morning kiss. I snuggled into her. Nothing beat the smell of your kids first thing in the morning as they got ready for the adventures of another day. Sammy jumped up onto the bed with Soph and joined in the cuddle. My two babies were very close, and I hoped they would stay that way forever.

  “Mommy, why do you and Sammy have wet hair?” Sophia said, pulling out of the cuddle. Sammy’s face dropped a little and I put my arms around his shoulders.

  “Sammy had another little accident in my bed so we had a shower. No problems. Now, time to rise and shine and get dressed. We don’t want to be late.” I leant down and kissed them both, then headed to the kitchen to get breakfast started, simultaneously packing their lunches and school bags. As I walked away, I heard Sophia turn to Samuel and tell him that it was okay and not to worry, because Mommy would help him fix it. That is what a Mommy does, they always fix things. He smiled and hugged his sister, then helped get her clothes out of her draws.

  My shoulders dropped a little lower as I walked away, wondering if I would ever be able to gi
ve them both a world they could ever feel safe in again. I did know one thing, though - I would never give up trying. I would put my life aside until the kids were grown and out in the world on their own feet, living their dreams. My dreams were not as important as those of my two beautiful angels.

  I had long ago given up the dream of being loved by a man. A man who would be there to help me when life got hard, to enjoy and celebrate all the good things with. But mostly, having someone to curl up on the lounge at night with and just feel safe and loved. Oh, and of course - he would be awesome in bed! The last time I’d had sex was so long ago that I couldn't even remember what that pleasure felt like. Late at night, I sometimes wondered what it would feel like to be worshiped, just like I read about in books and saw in movies.

  “Ouch!” I cursed as I kick my toe on the corner of the bench. Shit, that brought me out of my day dream quickly. Come on Emily get on with what needs to be done. The day won’t wait for you.

  Hoping the morning would run smoother, I took a sip of coffee and looked at my diary for the week. The rent for the month was due Thursday. I would have to check my accounts at lunch time on the work computer to make sure I was covered. I couldn’t afford the internet or a computer, for that matter, but Mr. Janson let me use the office one at lunchtime. He had been a great boss, especially when the kids got sick. The business had recently been taken over, however, and my new manager was a real cow. She didn't have kids and couldn't understand my daily struggles at all. In the last month, she had handed me a couple of warnings. I was worried she was trying to cut staff and the easiest way to do that was to push us until we messed up.

  If I made mistakes, I could cope with the warnings. Instead, it had been for being five minutes late a couple of times because of the kids, or twenty minutes late because the bus broke down. The classic, of course was because I had turned up one day with a stain on my uniform, courtesy of having to carry Sophia to school from the bus after she fell over and hurt her knee. That day, I swear, I was so close to punching my manager in the throat. It’s only that I was desperate for this job that I did what I always do and stood there, painted on my ‘happy face’ and took what life keeps slapping me with. I smiled the whole way through it, while it broke just a little bit more of my soul. Some days, life was just too hard.

  As I started putting the lunch boxes in Sophia and Samuel’s school bags, I glanced at the clock on the microwave. “Hurry up, you two munchkins! You need to eat breakfast and do your teeth, or we will miss the bus. Your toast is on the bench getting cold,” I yelled down the hallway. No sooner had I finished the sentence then I heard the thumping of footsteps running down the hall as they burst around the corner, giggling. “What are you two laughing about?”

  “Nothing much, Mommy. Sophia was pulling faces at me while I was trying to help her do up her shoe laces,” Sammy said through a mouthful of toast. I knew Soph would have let him do the shoelaces to cheer him up. The silly faces would have been to make him laugh and forget about the bed wetting. She was such a gentle soul and loved her brother so much. She would do anything for him.

  “How about we don’t talk until we finish our mouthful of food please, Sammy. I don’t want to wear toast to work today.”

  “Sorry Mom, I will try to remember”.

  We may not have much, but we had each other and that was all we needed. The three of us rushed through our morning routine and were ready to go out the door for the bus. We had got out to the front porch when I realized I had left my work jacket on my bed. I told the kids to stand at the door and not move a step, I would be right back. I raced into the flat and down the hallway to my room to grab the jacket. It wasn’t where I had left it and I couldn’t see it. I raced into the kitchen and it was nowhere to be seen. I hurried back to the bedroom and realized it had slipped off the bed and onto the floor on the other side. I grabbed it and ran back to the door.

  As I turned around to lock the door, the kids started talking about the nice man who was taking their picture. What the hell are they talking about? My mind started racing in all sorts of terrifying directions. I stopped dead in my tracks and turned to the kids. Trying to keep my voice calm, I asked, “What man was taking your pictures while I was inside?”

  Sophia replied with a smile, “The nice man who smiled and waved at us while he was taking some pictures. He had a big camera and hopped out of that big car over there.” She pointed to a very sporty and expensive looking BMW parked across the road. I had a bad feeling about this and that was never good in my world.

  “Did he talk to either of you?”

  Sammy looked up at me with worried eyes. “No Mommy, he just smiled and waved, and we waved back to him. He looked like a nice man. Are we in trouble for waving? We didn’t talk to him, we know we aren’t allowed to do that.” The tears welled in his eyes.

  “No, Sammy, you aren’t in trouble. We better hurry for the bus so we don’t miss it. We can talk on the bus, okay?”

  Sammy started to grin again when he looked up at Soph and said, “I’ll race you to the bus stop, Sophia! I bet I can beat you!”

  “No way, I am faster!” she replied as they tore off down the footpath to the street from the apartment complex. As I rushed down the path, I looked around to see if I could see anyone hanging around looking suspicious. There was no one to be seen except for old Mr. Thomson, who sat on his front steps every morning in his bathrobe and slippers smoking his pipe. I will go and talk to him tonight. He may have seen this mystery man.

  I turned the corner onto the street to see the kids arrive at the bench seat of the bus stop at the same time. They proceeded to argue about who won. Some things in life never change. I could see our bus coming down the road, so I broke into a little jog to make sure I was there in time. Settling into the seat on the bus with the kids next to the window, I leaned over them as we went down the road past the BMW. I quickly recorded the number plate in my phone in case I needed it. I hoped to God I didn’t, but my mind was always suspicious. I think it came from being on my own with the kids. I was always on the lookout for trouble and making sure I protected them from any danger.

  After settling the twins at school, I ran through the door to work at 8.59am. Phew! One minute to spare this morning. Miss Bitch face glared at me from her desk, but she could go jump. I start at 9am and I was here by 9.am, even if it was by the skin of my teeth. The morning went by without anything out of the ordinary happening. I worked in a department store in the city at the cosmetics counter. I enjoyed my job, talking to customers and helping them. It was just my new boss making it miserable and each day was getting harder to remain the bubbly sales assistant I used to be.

  I loved talking to the women who shopped in our store. It was obvious that money was never an issue for them. They shopped frequently and were always trying out the new products. Some of them were just naturally beautiful. I wondered why they even needed all these products because they would be stunning with nothing on their face. There were others who purchased every product available and tried to improve their looks. What they were missing was the saying, “less is more”. They plastered so much makeup on their face, they looked terrible. I think they used a shovel as the applicator!

  We saw all types in the shop and that was what made my life interesting. There were a few regulars, though, that I had become friendly with. I loved when they turned up and we always had a laugh when we talked as they shopped. There were a few of those women who were older and treated me like a daughter or granddaughter. They fussed over me and always asked for photos of the kids and asked what they were up to. One older lady, Mrs. Graceton, always brought in a little present for them. It was usually a lollipop or a bag of sweets. I saved them for special times or rewards at home. She was a gracious, elderly woman. I would have loved to have been her granddaughter.

  My day was always so much brighter when Alesha and Lilly called past. They were sisters and were hilarious. They were a little younger than me, but we got on like we had been
friends for years. They had asked me out a few times to nightclubs or coffee, but I always had to decline. For a few reasons it would never be an option for me. Firstly, the kids. I struggled to get them looked after and, the truth be known, I didn’t like to leave them.

  The second was my budget, which would never allow me a night out on the town. I didn't have the wardrobe to blend in with the girls, either. They were stunning and high-class, although they acted as down to earth as me. They even offered to have the kids looked after by their Mom once when she was in town as she travelled a lot with their Dad, but I declined. I didn’t know their mother and, although I was sure she would be fantastic just like them, I didn’t feel comfortable with it. One of my worst traits was not being able to trust people. Life had turned me that way, but it had saved me too many times to ignore the instinct.

  “Hi Em, how is your day going today with the wicked witch?” Lilly whispered in a low voice as she leaned over the counter. Alesha giggled out loud while I shook my head and laughed.

  “Same old, same old, Lilly. Got the death stare this morning, but I made it by one minute, so she couldn’t say anything. She already told me last week I was on my last warning. I ran so fast from the school, I was sweating by the time I got here. Lucky, she wasn’t standing near me, she would probably fire me because I didn’t smell good. I waited until she went to the tea room to get her coffee and quickly sprayed the nearest perfume all over me to hide the smell. That is twice today my body was not smelling pleasant from the kids!”

  “Did Sammy wet the bed again?” Alesha gave me sad eyes as she looked up from the eyeshadow pallets.

  “Yep. It is nearly every night, but it sucks when it’s in my bed and I end up covered in his pee. That is not the ideal way to wake up in the morning.” I mean, don’t get me wrong. What I wouldn’t give to wake up with a male in my bed in the morning, but definitely not my son!

  “I wish there was something we could do to help you all, Em. How about on the weekend we all go to the park, cheer up the kids and get ice-cream when we are finished? Would the kids like that and meeting us? Because we would love to finally meet them!” Lilly was almost begging me to say yes.