Love's Wall

by Karen Deen

  “What are you looking at, Zach” she asked quietly. Her gaze did not leave my face.

  “You, Emily. How beautiful you look right at this moment.” This brought a flush to her cheeks and she dropped her gaze slightly.

  “Thank you, Zach. That is very kind. Not sure I believe you, but thank you anyway.”

  “You don’t take compliments very easily, do you? If only you could see yourself as I do, you would believe everything I say. You are beautiful inside and out, don’t ever forget that.” I wished I could stop the car right now and show her how beautiful she was. How I really felt about her. Dreams. That is all this could ever be, just dreams.

  12

  Emily

  ZACH HAD MY stomach doing the butterfly dance with the way he kept telling me what he saw in me.

  I didn’t know how to react because no one had ever called me beautiful, except my Mom and that wasn’t the same. Mom’s are supposed to say that to their daughters. I lay in bed at night asking my mom why she sent Zach into my life. He is so perfect, but yet, I can’t have him. I know I have a wall as high as a mountain. I had a feeling that Zach’s is higher and stronger. He confused me. He made it clear we couldn’t take this anywhere, yet here he is telling me I am beautiful. I just wished I knew what had made him change his mind after that near kiss in my kitchen. The one I dreamt of every night with the possibility of what would follow that kiss.

  I shook my head to try and concentrate. Changing the subject, I asked Zach when his awards ceremony was and where he was flying to.

  “The ceremony is a black tie affair on Friday night, a week from now. It is held at Crystal Lakes at the country club. So I will be away overnight, unfortunately. I have already spoken to Mom and Dad about staying at my house that night so you are not alone on the farm. Alesha is coming with me to the ceremony so we will leave straight from work, head to the airport and then fly back Saturday morning. I am not big on these ceremonies, but it is necessary in our business to be there and can lead to contracts down the track.” He looked like he really struggled with any sort of public recognition, just like I struggled with compliments.

  As we finished the conversation, Zach turned into and started to head down the gravel driveway. I could hear the kids chattering with excitement in the back seat, and I must admit, I was pretty curious what this surprise was too. Zach stopped the car half way down the driveway, asked us to close our eyes and put our hands over them so we couldn’t peek. We were all giggling by this stage and I knew it had to be something big if we needed to close our eyes. What had this crazy man done now?

  It was a strange feeling to have your eyes closed and still be moving. It made your other senses hyper aware. I was listening to all the sounds that seemed so much louder than usual. Feeling the car come to a stop Zach told us not to move and not to open up yet. I was not sure how the kids were going with peeking, but there was no sound coming from the back. Maybe Zach had them eating out of his hands. I could hear Zach talking to someone outside the car, but couldn’t work out whose voice it was. Then there was a woman’s voice, too. My door opened and Zach helped me down out of the car, placing me to stand still and wait while he got the kids out. I could hear him telling them he would lift them down together. Then, I could feel them standing either side of me.

  “Now when I count to three, you can open your eyes . Ready, one, two, three, go!”

  As the darkness faded and I focused on what stood before me, I was stunned and absolutely in shock. The kids were both screaming and tearing across the yard. Sammy was screaming out to Gruffy, who was standing with his arm around Me-me’s waist, both with the biggest grins on their faces. Magically, since this morning after we left, there had been a fence built around the cottage. It gave the kids their own little yard to play safely in and kept the animals out that wander around in the wild. The screaming resulted from the cubby house that had been erected in the yard with a double swing attached and a slide that came down into a sandpit. It was like the park had been delivered to the cottage. I was unable to get any words out, but could not stop looking at Zach, who looked like a Cheshire cat. Finally, I found my voice and was trying to work out what to say. Thank you just did not even sound anywhere near enough.

  “Zach, what have you done? I don’t know what to say or do. You didn’t need to do this. It is so amazing and more than we could have ever imagined.” My heart overtook my head and I leapt into him, threw my arms around his waist and hugged him so tight. My head was rested on his chest and I could hear his heart beating as fast as mine. It was then that my head caught up with my heart. I dropped my arms and stepped back away from him slightly.

  “I am so sorry, Zach. I shouldn’t have done that. I just got wrapped up in the moment and the look of happiness on the kid’s faces. I wanted you to know how much I appreciate it.” I started to look down at my feet as the embarrassment crept through my body.

  I could hear Zach breathing and then felt his fingers on my chin and the other hand on my waist. He tilted my chin upwards so I was looking him straight in the eyes. I could feel the heat of his touch through my shirt and I was sure there would be marks from where his fingers were touching me.

  “Emily, never apologize for giving me the gift of your touch. If we weren’t standing here in front of your kids and my parents, I am not sure I would have been able to stop from taking it further. You felt amazing in my arms and brought me a feeling I have not felt before. One I wish I could explore so much deeper”

  Before I could stop it, the words rushed out on a whisper, “Why can’t we Zach? I know we both feel this. For the first time in my life, I want to feel that and I want to feel it with you.” Zach gasped and the look on his face changed as burning look of desire washed across it. One that had him seeing me and only me. His breathing was deep and slow. I didn’t know what had come over me to say those words to Zach.

  “Emily, you are testing every bit of strength I have to not touch you. You have stirred things inside me that I didn’t even know existed, but you don’t know all of me. There are things that may change what you think of me. I need to tell you so you’ll understand why I am trying so hard to keep you as a friend.”

  “What if I don’t want to be friend-zoned, Zach? I have issues too and you may not want to know me if you knew. But I can’t get you out of my head morning, noon and night.” Where had all this braveness come from? There was something about Zach that made me let down my guard. As dangerous as that was I couldn’t stop it.

  Zach reached up to cup my cheek in a sign of affection. “Tonight, after the kids go to sleep, we need to talk. I will bring over a bottle of red and we can sit on the porch and talk honestly about our histories. Then you may understand why I can’t do this and how much it is absolutely killing me.” As he was talking, his mouth dropped and was getting closer to mine, just from pure want. Our lips were almost touching, then Sammy came barreling between us, breaking the spell. I swear that kid was killing me!

  “Mommy, Mommy come and look what Gruffy and Me-me built for us. All for us, just me and Princess Sophia. It is soooo cool, Mom! Come on, Zach, you come too.”

  We both looked down at the whirlwind that was Sammy grabbing our hands and tried to get our breathing back. There was still an amazing heat between us that had me walking in a daze towards my cottage. The new, improved and amazing cottage.

  As we got closer I could hear the absolute joy in Sophia’s laughing as Gruffy pushed her higher and higher on the swing. Samuel had Me-me sitting in the sandpit building sandcastles with him. I greeted Mitch and Sophia with a hug and a kiss. Sophia hugged me hard and whispered in my ear, “Keep pushing him, Emily, you are the closest that anyone has ever been to claiming his heart. Don’t give up on him, please. He is worth the fight”. I looked at her wipe a few tears away from her eyes and she went back to playing with the sand. Zach was talking to his Dad, but his eyes never left me. There was still that hunger burning in them. I needed to catch my breath, so I excused myself to
the bathroom for a moment so I could pull myself together. When I entered the bathroom, I closed the door and leant back against it. My head went back and laid resting on the door. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I needed to calm my heart and settle my emotions before I walked back out there to face the kids. I was not sure what tonight would bring, but maybe finally I might understand that hidden part of Zach that had him hiding behind his wall.

  I put together some afternoon tea and drinks and took them outside to the five big kids playing in the yard. I wondered if I could talk about what happened all those years ago with Greg and how my life was back then. I had buried those emotions a long time ago and I was not sure if I was ready to bring them back up again, but for Zach, I was going to try.

  The kids played until the sun started to creep down below the mountains. I had to put my foot down to get them to come inside for dinner and a bath. Samuel asked if Gruffy and Me-me could have dinner with us. I laughed, knowing that this boy would never lack confidence in his life. I was not sure where he got it from, but I think he definitely got Sophia’s share too. He was so excited to have what he felt were grandparents in Gruffy and Me-me. He had never had the experience of anyone around to spend time with him, except me. To be honest, I was really enjoying the time to myself and knowing the kids were happy and safe. We had entered a totally different life and part of me was excited for the change. The other part of me, the reality side, was scared that something was going to happen to bring this new world crashing down around us.

  My nerves spiked up about creating a meal for Zach’s parents. How could I refuse to have them for dinner after everything they had done for us today? Just as my mind started racing as to what I could pull together for dinner, Sophia saved me.

  “Oh, where is my head. I have bought dinner already prepared for us all. I knew we would get carried away this afternoon, so I baked some quiches and prepared salad earlier. It is all in Zach’s kitchen ready. Silly Me-me! She was too busy making sandcastles with you Sammy that she forgot about the food.” As she finished, she grabbed Sammy and tickled him, telling him to go and wash his hands so we could all head over to Zach’s for dinner. “I hope that is okay, Emily, we won’t stay long. We know the kids will be tired and you will want to get them into bed. I just thought I would save you cooking.”

  “It is more than okay, it is so lovely. Although, I feel guilty. I should be cooking for you to thank you for all the work you and Mitch have done today. And for Zach for organizing it. Maybe I could organize to do that another night? I am so grateful for everything. You just don’t understand, it is so much more you are doing for us than just the play gym and fence. You are all changing our lives one day at a time. I never know what to expect next. Your family is amazing.” I couldn’t help but have water in my eyes.

  Sophia walked to me and wrapped me in her arms. Whispering in my ear, I could hear the love of a mother, “That is where you are wrong, Emily. It is you and your adorable family who is bringing Zach and our family so much love, laughter and life. I think you were sent to us for a reason. No matter what, I never want to let you all go.” We stood there, frozen in the moment of our overwhelming feelings towards the changes in our lives. It made me feel like, for once, we belonged somewhere. I just hoped that Zach felt that too.

  Sophia and Sammy came screaming out of the cottage ready for dinner. Mitch scooped up Sophia to piggyback her over to the house, while Zach and Sammy started a running race. It was a regular occurrence with them and, funnily, Zach had never won one yet. Me-me wrapped her arm around me and we wandered across behind them, lost in our own thoughts and love for the people in front of us.

  Dinner was relaxed and over quickly. We all chatted and laughed through dinner. I felt like our lives were a jigsaw puzzle and each day a few more pieces found their place. The puzzle still had so much to reveal, but piece at a time, it was linking together to create a story. My heart hoped so hard for a fairy tale ending.

  Mitch and Sophia left straight after dinner, with a promise to the kids they’d come back tomorrow to play a bit more. I was cleared up from dinner, with the kids doing their job of clearing the table. Sammy looked up at me with a face that told me a question was coming.

  “Mommy, when Gruffy hugs me, why does he always pat me on the back three times?”

  “I don’t know, Sammy. Maybe you need to ask him one day and he can tell you.” Sammy nodded his head and continued on with his job.

  I could see Zach saying goodbye to his parents. His Mom was giving him a talking to, he had that look all kids get when listening to their Mom’s. He laughed at something and wrapped her in a hug. I knew what that hug felt like and I also knew I wanted to feel more of them. My mind jumped back to the thought of our talk tonight. The butterflies were warming up in my stomach. What was Zach going to think when I told him my life before the kids and about Greg? Would he look at me differently? Would it change the electricity that was building? Would he understand that I was just a scared little girl who was longing to be loved, but instead, was cast aside like trash? That feeling of rejection had cut so deep that it sliced my heart in half. After picking up the pieces, I had been determined to build a wall so nobody could ever make me feel like that again.

  “I think that plate is as clean as it is going to get, Em.” I jumped at the sound of Zach’s voice behind me. I had been lost deep in thought and he must have come back inside after his parents had left.

  “Sorry, Zach. I was a little lost in my head and my thoughts. As soon as I finish cleaning the dishes, I better get these kids bathed and into bed.” Zach leaned forward and put his arms either side of me trapping me to the sink. I could faintly feel my back brushing against his front.

  “Leave the dishes and take the kids. Message me when they are asleep and I will come over. I still want to spend the night with you.” My breath hitched with his words and the feel of his breath on my neck. “To talk, Emily, we need to be on the same page. Don’t get me wrong, I would give anything to spend the night with you. More than you know, but we need to talk. I can’t do this anymore and I think you feel the same.” I knew I needed to breathe, but Zach had that effect on me. When he entered my personal space, he took my breath away. My brain couldn’t function enough to tell my body to take another breath. He stepped away to allow me to get myself back together.

  I turned to see him, his eyes fixed on me but whispering in the ears of the kids. They giggled like he was telling them a secret. Without warning, they ran for the back door, shouting at me. “Come on, Mommy, it’s bath time and we need to get to bed. Hurry up, we will race you to the cottage. They were out the back door before I could blink. I tried to get the gloves off my hands and looked Zach straight in the eye. “What did you say to them, Zach?” He laughed and just grinned.

  “Nothing important. Emily Let’s just say I don’t think you will have any trouble getting them to bed tonight. In fact, I think you better get moving, otherwise the kids will be trying to turn on the bath without you. I will see you soon, now get moving.” He tapped me on the back side and walked away from me. My head was so conflicted. I wanted to demand he come back and spill to me what he’d said, but the smart side of my brain heard loud and clear the mention of kids turning on the water without me. I went out the back door quicker than lightening.

  I paced the living room waiting for the kids to be sound asleep.

  They had been quiet for a while, but I think I was more scared to admit it was time to text Zach. This could be the start of the fall from this high we had been on. For someone who wasn’t sure what I believed in, I prayed to the unknown to help me through this night.

  Zach

  The bottle of red had been sitting on the table for the last thirty minutes waiting for the message from Emily.

  I had checked the phone so many times, making sure I had signal, plenty of charge and the volume was up. Was I nervous about tonight? Of course I was. I had never told another living soul what I was about to tell Emily
tonight. I hadn’t wanted to speak about it to anyone until now. There was something about Emily that made me want to tell her my life story. She had this amazing power over me that I couldn’t control. Nothing like I had ever experienced.

  It felt like I had been holding my phone for a lifetime when it buzzed in my hand. My heart leapt into my mouth. It was time. Time to tell my story. Time to crush my dreams. Time to put an end to this escalating chemistry between us. Chemistry that I had known couldn’t happen but also couldn’t stop.

  I grabbed the wine and headed out the back door. I strode across the yard like a man on a mission, then I slowed as I got close to the porch of the cottage. Sitting under the glow of the porch light sat my angel. She had changed into a comfortable white flowing dress. Emily was not making this easy with the way she looked tonight. The light that was hitting her free-flowing curls that framed her face picked up the blonde highlights. This was not helping in the slightest. Emily looked stunning and I was about to break her heart if she was feeling the same as how I was feeling.

  I stood and took a moment to just enjoy the vision of Emily and her beauty. I hoped that after tonight she would still be happy to stay with me. I hoped I had done enough to make her feel like this was now her home and always would be. If she felt she couldn’t stay, it would break me all over again. I did not know the answer of how to remain friends with someone who your whole soul ached to be with.