Love's Wall

by Karen Deen

  Emily looked up, sensing me approach. I slowly moved forward from the shadows to see a nervous smile light up her face. Tonight was going to be as hard for her as it was for me, but it was time to share our lives. It was a strange feeling, actually needing to talk and tell my secrets.

  “Didn’t I wear those kids out enough for you today? Did they fight the sleep genie tonight?” I asked, trying to lighten the moment as I approached. “I thought they would have crashed straight away”

  Emily let out a little nervous giggle. “No, they couldn’t get into bed quick enough. They told me to tell you that they went to sleep straight away. They didn’t even want a story. I am not sure what you did, but it worked.”

  “It may have had a lot to do with the whisper of a horse ride tomorrow if they went to sleep straight away tonight.” Satisfaction was spread across my face. My plan had worked. “So they have been asleep for a while then?”

  “Yes, I am sorry.” Emily started to look shy and drop her eyes down. “I was so nervous and needed to get my head together before you arrived. I have been pacing for a while getting the courage to message you.” Slowly, she looked up and straight into my eyes.

  “Oh Emily, why couldn’t you have come into my life years ago. I wish I could make this easier, but just so you know, I have been walking the floor boards too and my nerves are going crazy. Please sit down and I will poor us a glass of red to settle the nerves.”

  Emily had prepared a platter of cheese and crackers and had two beautiful wine glasses waiting for me. I actually could’ve used something a whole lot stronger, but that was not an option. We sat in silence for a little while, looking out into the dark. I got the feeling we were both looking for the courage to begin, but nothing was there. I turned sideways to see Emily quickly turn away like she had been caught. It warmed my soul to know that she was attracted to me.

  “Emily, I know tonight is going to be hard, but it is something I think we need to get out in the open. What I want to tell you tonight I have never told another soul, not even my family. You make me feel like I have to tell you, actually, more like I need to tell you. You have brought feelings out in me that I have never experienced before. I feel amazing around you.” The words were spilling out and I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t even know how I would start, but it just happened. The nerves were making everything spill out. It was like the flood gates had been unlocked on the dam and the water was starting to trickle over the spillway.

  “I have a lot to explain, but I really need you to go first. I know this is hard, but I need to hear your story first.” I waited for her reaction. Emily looked up to the stars, like she was asking someone for strength.

  “No matter what you tell me tonight, it will never change my opinion of you. You and the kids are not going anywhere. This is your home now, for as long as you want it to be. I will always be here to protect you and keep you safe.” I needed Emily to know what she already meant to me. Nothing she could say would change that. My chest hurt with desire to make her mine, but it was just not fair on her.

  “I was hoping to hear your story first, but in some ways, I need to get this out. I have held this close to me for so many years that I know it has eaten away at part of my soul and heart. I am not sure how I am going to talk about it, but you make me want to try. No one ever has treated me like you do, looked at me the way you do or touched me like they never want to let me go. I gave up believing in fairy tales and Prince Charming a long time ago, but over the last few weeks, I feel like I have been living right in the middle of my very own fairy tale. Zach, you have been my Prince Charming.”

  My heart thumped hard against my chest like a sledge hammer. This was not going to be easy. In fact, it was going to be one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. Emily looked straight at me with all the strength she had mustered. There was so much emotion spilling out of her, I could tell she was laying her heart on the table for me to take and look after. There was also a fear that I could take it and squash it to a pulp. Surely she realized it was the same for me. We both had walls. Tonight, we were letting them down and sharing our vulnerabilities.

  “It has been the same for me. The last few weeks have been the best of my life. Nothing compares to it.” My knees bounced with nervous energy as I tried trying to reassure her to keep going.

  Taking a deep breath, she leant back into her chair and pulled her legs up under herself. One hand gripped her wine glass tightly while the other was wrapped around her stomach to give her comfort.

  “When I was younger, it was only my Mom and I. Dad left when I was three years old - to find work and he never returned. He was a heavy drinker and not very good to my Mom, but she still loved him and never really talked ill of him. Actually, she never talked about him much. She always told me when I was growing up that he loved me and one day would return. He never did…” She paused, searching for strength. I looked across at her and offered mine.

  “I am sorry to hear that, Emily. I know that was only the beginning of your life. I am here for support, not to judge anything you want to tell me. If you need to stop at any time, please do. I don’t want to put you through anything that will upset you or that is too hard.”

  A small grin crept up her angelic face as she tried to continue. “Life growing up was hard. Mom had to work to support us and we lived in some pretty dodgy places, but she tried her best. My mom was the strongest person in my life and I will forever be grateful for everything she ever did for me. She never complained and I am sure she went without some nights just to make sure I had food. I used to lie in bed at night and pray for someone to come and save her, but it wasn’t meant to be. That was when my belief in fairy tales died. I would sometimes hear her lying in bed trying to be silent while she cried tears of tiredness and frustration. She would never be upset in front of me.

  Every day she would send me off to school with a big hug and kiss full of love and tell me to try my hardest with my school work. She wanted me to go to college and make a life for myself that would be easier than hers. She never wanted me to struggle like she had. I promised her every day that when I was grown up, I would go to college and earn lots of money. I would buy her a house with a porch to sit on, with pretty flowers in the garden and a white picket fence. We would live there together and be safe.” Emily paused, taking a breath. She sipped on her wine, taking her time to swallow it down. I watched the arm around her waist tighten. There was pain in these memories and reliving them was taking its toll.

  “School doesn’t hold many happy memories for me. Kids can be cruel to the girl who never had much. But one thing that it taught me was, if you work hard, you can get somewhere. I used to study hard and did all my homework every afternoon while Mom was still at work. Then I would get dinner ready before she got home. The hard work paid off with good grades. My goal was in sight. My final year of school and my grades were giving me a great chance of college. I wanted to be a teacher so I could help other kids like myself in low income areas. Show them that they were just as important as any other child.” Emily smiled as she talked about her dreams.

  “I think you would make an unbelievable teacher. I have seen you with the twins. I know you would be caring with all children regardless, of who they were or where they came from. There is still time for that dream, Em, don’t give up on it.” My mind was already racing, thinking how I could help her to work towards that dream goal.

  “That would be a little hard now with the kids. Besides, I would never be able to pay the college tuition. I let go of that dream a long time ago. Life changed my senior year of high school and it would never be the same again. My Mom was diagnosed with cancer and needed surgery to remove the tumor she had on her lung. We didn’t have very good insurance and no money, so she went onto a waiting list. I tried to work a part-time job and do school to raise money to pay for the operation. I had just started to date Greg, who worked in the grocery store. He helped me get the job. I studied hard while working and got accepted int
o college on a scholarship. I asked to defer it a year as Mom was getting worse. I needed to look after her and raise the money we needed for her treatment. The college agreed and I finished off my senior year. Mom begged me to go straight to college, but I refused because she needed me. Family is everything to me. My Mom was all I had.

  Greg was also heading to college interstate, but we were getting closer and he was supportive of me when I needed it. The night of our prom, we went to the after party. Greg started drinking and was taking something. I didn’t know what it was, he had never done that around me before.”

  I felt the hairs on my neck begin to stand up. I had a really bad feeling where this story was headed. My protective instincts towards Emily were already on alert and I wanted to take her in my arms and comfort her through the next part of her story. She looked vulnerable and this memory was weighing heavily on her. There was hurt building in her eyes and that was the last thing I wanted to see on her face.

  “Greg and I had fooled around a little. We had never gone all the way, although he had asked and begged a few times. I wasn’t ready. I knew I wanted to wait until I felt loved and that the man I gave my virginity to was someone who would always treasure me like I was worth something. I had seen how sad my Mom was when Dad left and I never wanted to feel like that. Well, more fool me. Life is never like those stupid romance books where it is always a happily ever-after-story. Life sucks sometimes, or for me, most of the time.” Stopping to look at me, Emily searched for my reaction. I couldn’t resist any more, I reached out and grabbed her hand, rubbing my thumb backwards and forwards over the top of it. I wanted her to know I was still right here with her. Gulping down the last of her wine, she pressed on.

  “I was getting tired and told Greg I wanted to go home as I was worried about Mom. She hadn’t been well that afternoon and I wanted to check on her. Greg complained he wasn’t ready to go home, but said he would walk me home and then go back to the party after. I was glad because I wasn’t looking forward to walking in the dark by myself. We walked part of the way, with him holding me close and swaying a little. The alcohol and drugs were starting to take their affect. As we walked through the park he asked me to sit for a minute in the picnic shelter so we could talk. It was dark in the shadows. He talked for a minute about college and then he started to kiss me. But kissing lead to his hands starting to wander. We had touched each other before, but he was holding me tight and began telling me I had made him wait long enough. I told him to stop, I wanted to go home. He was too strong and pushed me down on the seat. He continued while I begged him to stop. He started saying all this dirty talk into my ears while he forced his fingers inside me and then he stopped for a minute. I already had tears sliding down my face, but he didn’t care. I thought he was finally listening, but I was so wrong. He had been undoing his jeans, and as I realized what he was doing, he whispered in my ear. He told me if I screamed or tried to stop him, he would get me fired at work. He would say I had been stealing money. That I had prick teased him all this time and I owed him this fuck.”

  Emily stopped, her breathing was rapid and there were tears running down her face. Rage raced around my body, but I tried to contain it so I didn’t upset her further. It was too much. I couldn’t let her sit there and hug herself while the tears tumbled as she relived one of the worst times of her life. I pulled her up out of her seat and across onto the seat next to me. My arms hugged her in a firm embrace while she silently wept on to my shoulder.

  “I need to finish it, Zach, I need to finish the story. I have never told it to anyone, so I need to get it all out,” she whispered between the tears.

  “I am not going anywhere, angel. You keep going and say what you need to. Get it all out if that is going to help you. I will keep you safe and I promise I will never hurt you.” This brought louder sobs for a moment, which gradually subsided.

  “Zach, this is so hard to say, please don’t judge me. I couldn’t bare it if you thought less of me for what I did.” She looked into my eyes, desperate for me to give her the assurance she needed.

  “You will always be an angel in my eyes and nothing can change that.” She sighed, then took a deep breath.

  “We had no money and Mom’s medical bills were mounting up. I laid there and let Greg fuck me, take my virginity. I let him take what he wanted from me because I couldn’t afford to lose my job. I knew I should have screamed and fought him off. I also knew I should have told my mother and gone to the police, but what would that have achieved? I didn’t fight him off. I just laid there and let him do it. I felt so used and dirty. While I laid there, I let go of my dreams and fairy tale stories of having a better life. I was just like my Mom and men didn’t think I was special or worth treating with any respect. I was just there to be used.”

  My breathing was heavy with rage my body tense and hard. If it took until the day I die, I would find this Greg and kill the bastard. Not only did he rape my angel, he took away her dreams. What kind of man does that to any woman? I would find him and he would pay.

  “I can feel your anger, Zach. Please don’t get angry over me. I moved on from this years ago and I realized he couldn’t hurt me anymore.” Her arms tightened around my waist as she tried to calm me and sooth my anger.

  “It is hard to stay calm, Emily. Right now, I want to kill him for what he did to you. I wish I could make it better, but I can’t. One thing I can promise you is nothing like that will ever, and I mean ever, happen to you again. I will never let you be hurt again. You may never be able to be mine, but you are mine to protect and I take that very seriously. Lean on me, I will always take the load.” Emily’s head sagged further into my shoulder as she relaxed against me.

  “You always dream your first time will be something special and beautiful. Instead, it was painful and full of disgust. I will never forgive him for taking that away from me. I went home that night, laid in bed and quietly sobbed at all I had lost. I knew then that I would never give any man that power to hurt me again. That night, I started to build the wall around my heart. I didn’t speak to Greg after that night. I just turned up to work and ignored him. I did my job and went home to Mom. She was getting worse and the treatment wasn’t working. It didn’t even occur to me, for a few months that I had missed my periods. My life was so stressful that it was the last thing I was thinking about. By the time it occurred to me I was nearly four months pregnant with the twins. Not that it mattered, because regardless of how they came into this world, I could never have terminated the pregnancy. I just know I couldn’t. I told my Mom and we sat and cried together. She knew then that my dreams of college and that a better life were gone. She convinced me that I needed to tell Greg, though, as it was the right thing to do.

  I knew he would be heading to college in a few weeks as summer break was almost over. I asked him to wait after work as I wanted to talk. When I told him, he denied the babies were his. He said I was a little slut who probably slept with plenty of guys after he broke me in. I was horrified and humiliated. How dare he say that to me. He also accused me of trying to trap him for money. I was so angry I slapped him across the face and told him to never come near me or the babies ever again. That he had no rights to any of us. I walked away determined to raise the twins on my own with my Mom’s help. No man was ever going to make me feel like that again. From that day I have never let another man near me or the kids.”

  I stroked her back so she knew I was still there and that I cared. I’m not sure if the stroking was to keep her calm or to try to calm me down. It seemed to be working on both fronts.

  “A few years later, there was a guy who lived in my apartment complex. He was nice enough and used to come over and have coffee with me. It was nice to have the company. We started to date a little, if you call it that. It was just little trips out with the kids to the park, or he would stay and cook dinner. I was so lonely after Mom had died and with having the twins as two-year-old twins, the company was nice. He was gentle and eventually convince
d me to sleep with him. I tried to relax, but would tense up every time from the memory of Greg. It was not awful, but it was never what I had imagined sex would be like. Some things he did felt good, but I knew I would never love him.

  He got sick of only being able to be with me with the kids around. I was not ready to leave them with anyone and, to be honest, there was no one I trusted with the only good things in my life. I told him we were a package deal and he wasn’t interested. Again, I realized I was just there to be used. He had gotten what he wanted from me and then moved on. He may have slept with me, but I never really let him near me. He never even made it close to moving the wall.”

  Emily’s voice dropped to a quiet whisper. “No one has ever even come close until you, Zach. No one. You have taken my breath away and made me open the wall. I don’t know how, but you have made me believe that maybe there are good dreams and that fairy tales do exist.” My emotions overtook me and I leant down to kiss the top of Emily’s head. I heard her breath catch. Her hair smelt wonderful like a field of roses. It was a scent that could stay with me forever.

  “I am so sorry, Emily, I shouldn’t have done that. I wanted you to know how special you are, my angel. Never doubt how much you are worth. You deserve your fairy tale. I am just so sad that it can’t be me to give you that. I will go to my grave with that being my greatest regret.” Emily sat straight up out of my arms. I already felt her loss and the warmth drain from her. She gave me that stare of the woman who said ‘you better start talking and explain and you better start right now.’ I reached out to her again and pleaded she come back into my arms. I was never going to be able to do this if I had to look into those sad eyes while I crushed her dreams again. She finally thought she had found her prince charming and now I had to tell her that was not me.