Love's Wall

by Karen Deen

  “Please, angel,” I held out my arms. “I can’t do this without holding you. This is going to be just as hard for me to share as it was for you. I already feel so emotional that I am not sure how well I am going to be able to get this out. Just like you, I have never told anyone this. Unless I tell you, you’ll never understand me.” I was trembling on the inside and almost begging her to come to me. Please, Em. I need you more than you will ever realize.

  Emily

  I sat staring at Zach. I had just poured my heart out to the man who, for the first time ever, was touching my heart. I swore I would never again hand my heart to anyone. I had let Zach stroke it and it felt so exhilarating to feel again. Now I was feeling nervous that he was about to bruise it, or worse, totally crush me. I trusted Zach, but that didn’t mean it still wouldn’t happen.

  Zach was as vulnerable as me and he was reaching out for my help. I would never deny him, especially when he wanted me. My body was still tingling from the kiss he placed ever so gently on the top of my head. The warmth and fire had spread through my whole body down to my toes. How could one man have such an effect on me? I didn’t know what he was about to say, but nothing was going to change how I felt. No matter what, I was going to fight for Zach. I didn’t want to let this go. I wanted him so badly that I would fight. I was stronger now than I had been at eighteen. I knew what I wanted and, finally, what it felt to want someone. All the emotion that came with falling for someone was such a rollercoaster ride. But it was a ride I wanted to go on. For once, I wanted to take the plunge and put myself out there.

  I leant back, Zach’s arms accepting me so warmly. It was like being home when I was wrapped up and resting on his chest. I sniffed long and hard so I could memorize what it felt like to be in his arms. His scent was like no other I had smelt before. It was hard to describe, but it was all man and all Zach. One I wanted to bottle and take home.

  Feeling Zach’s muscles start to relax, I knew I was having a calming effect on him, just as he’d with me when I was pouring out my heart. It was time to listen and hoped I could get through what he needed to tell me.

  “Just as you were for me, I am here for you, Zach. I don’t care what you say, it will never change how I feel about you either. I have never given my heart to another soul, except Sophia and Samuel. But that is different. That part of my heart is for my children. The part of my heart to be shared with a man I have never offered to anyone, but I am ready to offer it to you. So please, tell me your story so you can free yourself from your pain. Then maybe you can see that it won’t change how I feel and what I want.” I almost felt I was begging Zach to take me there and then.

  Zach took a deep breath and started his story, the one he had been holding inside for far too long. It sounded like it had eaten away at him just as mine had done to me.

  “I was lucky, angel.” I melted every time he referred to me as that. I was not sure why he started to call me that, but God I loved it. I loved my name, but Zach having a special name for me made me fall even harder. “I grew up in a loving, happy family that gave me so much support. I had all the help I needed through life from both my parents and my siblings. You have seen them and we might give each a roasting when we are together, but I would take a bullet for any single one of them. They are my world.”

  “I finished school and headed to college to study architecture and building while I worked part-time in my Dad’s business. I loved it and have never had any regrets in my chosen profession. Every day brings me joy to get up and go to work with my family to do a job I love.” He slowed for a moment, trying to sort his thoughts and then took a large breath and continued on his way. “I knew this would be hard but that is an understatement. I take my hat off to you, angel, I am not sure how you did what you did. You are such a strong woman”

  “You gave me the confidence, Zach, I want to do that for you too. You can do this, just lean on me, I am here.” Please, Zach. I need to know why you are keeping up your wall.

  “A few years ago, I met a woman at a bar after work. Grant, Luke and I had gone for a few beers at the end of a long week. We had been sitting at the bar for a while when she approached me and asked if she could sit down. She was good-looking and had a lovely smile. We got chatting and I bought her a drink. After a while, the guys left me to it and l stayed talking for a few hours. She was easy to chat to and we exchanged numbers. She was an advertising executive and travelled with work a bit, but her main office was here. We started dating and had been together for nearly twelve months, although it never really got to the serious point. We were having fun and getting closer, but it was a little hard with her travelling all the time. Christina was hinting that it was time we started to think about marriage. I really liked her and thought perhaps I was in love, but marriage just seemed such a big step. I always dreamed of marriage and a family and finding a love like my parents have.

  I just knew, deep in my heart, that wasn’t going to be with Christina. Once I came to the realization she wasn’t my forever after, my princess for me to build a castle for, I knew I had to break the relationship off. She was away for two weeks working, so I decided to fly to her so we could talk face-to-face. When I arrived at the motel, I found her in the arms of another man. Although I knew it was over, it hurt like a bastard. She had taken my trust and love, then betrayed me. It was hard to give out my heart. She took it, threw it at a wall and then stomped on it. We argued and she told me that she got sick of waiting for me to get married so she moved on. As you can imagine I was shattered. My walls went up thick and high and I vowed to never give out my heart again. I got back on a plane and headed home to try to move on with my life. I told my family we broke up because we both needed to move on. I never had the courage to tell them she cheated on me.”

  “Oh, Zach I am so sorry she hurt you. Not all women are like that. You have to know there are plenty of good ones out there. She was crazy if you ask me. If she had you, why would she even look elsewhere. What an idiot.” I would have given anything to be in her place, can’t you see that Zach. I felt anger towards her, even though I didn’t know her. I was angry that she would treat Zach so badly. She sounded like a selfish bitch to me.

  “It was hard because I was hurt and betrayed, but I would have gotten over it in time. I didn’t see Christina for about six months until, one day, she turned up at my office late one night. I was working back and everyone had left to go home. She asked if we could talk. I was so shocked to see her out of the blue that I agreed and asked her to sit down. I never could have guessed what she was going to say, even if I had tried.” I felt Zach tense and hold his breath. It seemed forever before he took another breath. His muscles remained rock solid. I gently stroked his chest, hoping it would let him know I was here and that I would help him through this.

  “My life changed and turned upside down that night. Christina got straight to the point and blurted out that she had fallen pregnant just before we had broken up. The baby was mine. She told me she’d no intention of telling me and had married the guy I caught her having the affair with. I was trying to quickly do the math in my head. She obviously wasn’t pregnant anymore. I stood quickly and paced my office, demanding to know what happened to the baby. She coldly told me that she had a miscarriage three weeks earlier and the baby was still born. She said the baby had genetic defects and it was better that it had died. I felt like I had been kicked so hard in the guts, I couldn’t breathe or think. I stood there stunned, looking at her.

  “I had been a father and hadn’t even known. I hadn’t even had time to process that and now my baby was dead. I never had a chance to see her-it was a girl- or hold her and talk to her. More importantly what I never got the chance to love and protect her. I started yelling at Christina, furious she had kept this from me. Who does that to a man? How could she take my little girl from me? She didn’t even bury her body. She donated it to science. I asked what she’d named her and …” The tears flowed down his face and I could feel them falling o
nto my arms that were gently rubbing his chest. This was far worse than anything I had endured with Greg. That was the worst night of my life, but I would never regret the lives that he had given me.

  Zach hesitated, but tried to keep going. “Her answer was that she had never bothered to name her because she had never wanted her in the first place. She was deformed, so what was the point. It was the closest I have ever come to hitting a woman. I had raised my hand, but held on to the thinnest of strings that were about to break. Instead, I let loose with verbal abuse. I couldn’t believe anyone could be so callous. I told to her to get out and never return. I never wanted to see her evil face again. As she walked out, her last comment was, ‘Lucky I never married you because you could only ever give me screwed up babies anyway. They tested me and it wasn’t my DNA so it must have been your fault. You are just a poor excuse of a man, you are broken.’ With that statement, she slammed the door of my office and I never saw her again.” Zach’s chest heaved so hard with hurt and devastation for the life of the daughter he had lost. He had never gotten the chance to even see her.

  Through his quiet sobs, Zach whispered under his breath, “No matter what, Emily, I would have loved that little girl and looked after her, no matter what.” I held him tight and rocked him like I did with the kids when they were hurting badly.

  “I know you would have Zach. She would have been a lucky girl to have you as a dad. You are the most beautiful soul I have ever met and you will make a fantastic father.”

  “But don’t you see, Emily? That is why I can’t be the man for you. I can’t do that to you. I am broken and can’t have normal children. I could never give you children. That is not fair to you. I couldn’t take the hurt, to give my heart out again and have it broken down the track. When you decide I am not enough anymore and you want to have a bigger family, it would kill me. You are an amazing mother and you have so much love to give that I can’t deny you that. You are better to look for someone who can give you the whole package.”

  I stopped and sat up. “Zach, who is to say I want more children? I already have the twins. Who said you get to make that decision for me? I know you think you are doing the right thing, but I get to make that choice too, not just you. I have never felt like this about anyone. You do things to my insides I only ever dreamed about and I can’t even think clearly when I am around you. I know how hard it was for me to tell you my life tonight and the emotions that you have poured out as well. We have bared our souls to each other. I can tell you that nothing you have told me has changed one single feeling I have for you. If anything, it has made me feel closer to you. You showed me how gentle you are tonight and how much love you have to give. That is a special quality. I’ll be honest with you. Having children with you would be amazing. Just because you can’t doesn’t mean I feel any different about you. Don’t you want my kids in your life, is that it?” The look on his face told me that I had hurt him. Before we could continue talking, Sammy poked his head out the door, crying. Zach didn’t get to answer me.

  “Oh God, Sammy. What are you doing awake?” Zach quickly turned his back so Sammy couldn’t see he had been crying.

  “I couldn’t sleep, Mommy. I heard you crying and I was worried.”

  “It’s okay, little man, I was just telling Mommy a sad story. You jump back into bed and she will tuck you in.” Zach looked at him, trying to keep himself together.

  “I will be there in a minute, Sammy, I’ll just say goodnight to Zach. Run into bed I will catch up.” Sammy did what he was told. I turned to Zach who was staring up at the sky, his hands behind his head.

  “I could never live with the fact that I made you sad or hurt you because I couldn’t give you a family. I want to make you mine so much it hurts but I can’t be selfish. I can’t hurt you, I can’t take the pain of seeing that. I am sorry, Emily. Now you know. I need to go, we both have a lot to digest. We will talk more tomorrow. But know I will always protect you and keep you safe.” Zach started to walk away.

  “I don’t want children, I just want you,” I called after him, but he just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I felt so drained I could hardly move, but I knew I had to go to Sammy.

  After settling Sammy, I fell back on my bed knowing that sleep would not be coming anytime soon.

  My head was so full and messed up. I was confused. I was sad, for Zach, but most of all hurt. Why couldn’t Zach see that we could get past this? I wasn’t giving up on him. I just didn’t know how I was going to get that through to him. Time was on my side because Zach said we could stay here as long as we wanted. That meant I could give him time. Time to realize that more children weren’t important. This was about Zach and I. For once, I was thinking about myself first.

  The numbness of everything that had happened tonight settled and I tried to process everything. I had finally told someone what had happened with Greg. I thought I would take that to the grave with me. My Mom was too sick and I couldn’t do that to her. I couldn’t have her last moments with me in this world be ones of pity and disgust at what had happened to her only child. Instead I chose the joy in her eyes when she found out that she would be a grandmother of a gorgeous little boy and the most precious little girl. Although I hated Greg with a passion, there was part of me that would always be grateful for the gifts I was given. They were brought into this world knowing they were loved and wanted and would never be alone. I told myself that they were my reward for the pain Greg had caused me.

  My mind started to think of all the things that Zach had said and done once I told him. There was no denying how Zach felt about me. His anger had showed me how he wanted to protect me and how he wanted to stop me from hurting anymore. The feeling of being in Zach’s arms was amazing. When he wrapped them around me, it was the same as snuggling down under a blanket on a cold and windy night. It always felt warm, safe and secure. That was exactly how I felt in Zach’s arms.

  I felt like my life had dealt me some hard blows. As I sat there tonight, watching and listening to Zach finally have the courage to share his world of hurt with me, I realized that my life was easy. Losing a child you never knew existed or got to feel, to touch, to talk to or even love from afar, must have been the hardest news to hear. It made me wonder what kind of woman this Christina was. Did she even have a heart or a conscience. I didn’t like Greg and definitely didn’t owe him anything, but I still told him he was going to be a father. He turned his back on two perfectly healthy kids, yet poor Zach who would make an amazing dad, would have given anything just to see his little girl. Just once.

  Seeing such a strong man break down like Zach did tonight was hard emotionally to watch. I wondered what he was doing right now. Was he also lying on his bed staring at the sky and mountains, trying to make sense of such a jumbled set of lives that seemed to have intersected? Was he right to take himself out of my life and close himself off to me? Did I want more children or would I just be happy with my two little bundles of joy? I hadn’t really thought about more children because you had to be in a relationship before that even becomes a discussion. Was I happy the way my life was now? It didn’t take me very long at all to answer the questions. I wanted to have Zach in my life and if that meant no more children, so be it. I just wanted to be with Zach. I wanted to explore our connection more. There was undeniable chemistry between us. I didn’t know how I was to convince Zach to move past the anchor that was weighing him down. Could I be there to help him finally accept his loss and move past it? In the early hours of the morning, I finally started to feel sleep overcoming me. I slipped into dreaming about the amazing man who was sleeping across the yard from me. Sweet dreams, my prince.

  13

  Zach

  WALKING AWAY FROM Emily tonight had been one of the hardest things to do.

  I knew if I stopped or turned around that I would not be strong enough to keep my distance. Hearing Emily tell me it didn’t matter that I can’t have children and that she just wanted me was like a knife stabbing my
heart. Why was life so cruel to put this angel in my path but not be able to have her as mine? I couldn’t do that to Emily. After having time to digest what I’d told her tonight, she would realize that I was doing the right thing. Emily deserved to have a man in her life that could give her everything she deserved. I would always be there to look after Emily and the kids. She could lean on me and I would always protect her and keep her safe.

  One day, another man would come along and that role. Until then I would be there. It’ll tear my heart out when that happens, but I would walk away just so Emily could have her happy-ever-after. The wall to my heart was usually so strong that no one got past, it but Emily, Sophia and Samuel had managed to find a way in. I knew they would always be in there. Even when they move on, I would still hold them in my wall. The wall was now there to protect them rather than my heart.

  Trying to clear my head was impossible tonight. So much had come out between us. My adrenaline was still peaking at the thought of what Greg had done to Emily. What that woman has had to get through in life would crumble some, but not my Emily. She was so strong that she had climbed the hill so many times and continued to every time life threw another hurdle. She was born to be a survivor. How hard it must have been to raise twins on her own and lose her mother at the same time. What kind of man walks away from his children and leaves a beautiful woman to struggle on her own? If I ever found him, he would pay for what he did to Emily. That I was sure of.

  It had been a long time since I had thought about my daughter. The pain had never gone away, simply hidden in my heart behind the wall. My world shattered that night and I never knew how to put it back together. That was the night I drank my sorrows away and was found the next morning by Zoe in my office. I had shut down emotionally and didn’t know how to function. The only way I could cope was to bury my emotions which is why I never told my family. I didn’t want their pity or sympathy at the loss of my child or the fact that I was never going to have a normal child. The hardest part of that time in my life was knowing I wasn’t there to keep her safe and protect her. That is the role of a parent, to be there for their child no matter what. I would have been there, I would have loved her unconditionally. Even if it was only for the few minutes she was in this world, I would have let her know she wasn’t alone. I never thought I would tell anyone about that night, but Emily made me want to tell her everything. The only way for her to understand how much I really wanted to be with her but couldn’t was by telling her the truth. Nothing else would have been good enough to deny the chemistry that is between us. It was going to be so hard to keep Emily at a distance as a friend, but that was the way it would be. It was probably a good thing that I would be away for a few days this week at the award ceremony. It would give us a bit of distance to settle into our friendship pattern.