Love's Wall

by Karen Deen

  It was easy to rationalize my feelings and thoughts with the twins, but Emily was hard. So hard it was hurting and confusing to me. My longing to kill her ex-boyfriend and how he had hurt her was the strongest I had ever felt. I had never been a violent man, but my anger had reached a level I had never felt before. I couldn’t stand knowing how hurt she had been and how tough a life that asshole had made it. To abandon a woman and her twin babies was something I couldn’t even comprehend, let alone forgive. I never got to ask Emily what happened to Greg, but it was a question I needed to know the answer to. I want to know if he ever contacted her again. The funny thing was the anger I felt here was worse than when I found Christina cheating on me. I had been gutted at the time yet my own hurt was not as important to me as the hurt that was inflicted on Emily by someone else.

  That is why I was so torn with my feelings for Emily. I couldn’t take being the person to hurt her again. I know she tried to tell me that children didn’t matter to her, but I am not entirely sure that is true. I look at her and she reminds me of my mother. Someone who should have a large family to spoil, love and nurture. She is an unbelievably caring person who has had to fight hard in life, yet it hasn’t taken away her spark or smile. I knew this because of that smile she gave me and her beautiful laugh slayed me every single time. It was like a sword that kept cutting through the wall around my heart. I wanted to be able to keep the wall up and protect myself so I never went through the same feeling again, but she just kept chipping away at it.

  It was my brain’s job to rationalize that I needed to keep my distance from Emily for both our sakes. But my heart and other particular parts of my body were telling me to ignore my head. When Emily was anywhere near me, my body was on high alert and I just wanted to be with her, hold her, touch her, but most of all claim her. She made me feel amazing, like she was the sun that always shone brightly, even on cloudy days. She brought a warmth to me that was like laying in the sun on a beach in the warm sand. It warmed right to your core and every muscle felt it and relaxed into the sensation. I knew it wouldn’t take much for me to fall more than I already had for Emily. I was balancing on the edge of the cliff and I knew if I took one step, I would be over the edge and falling with no way of return. That scared the hell out of me, but also gave me a feeling of wanting to take that step.

  Was I being stupid to stop this from happening? Emily had tried to tell me what she wanted, but I walked away telling myself it was for her benefit. What if I was hurting her more by walking away? I was so conflicted, it consumed me every thought.

  I was sitting in my office trying to concentrate when Zoe came through the door. She stopped in front of my desk and stood there for a minute. It took a while to pull me back into the room from my thoughts.

  “Damn, Zach, you need to get a handle on this. Today is Thursday and I don’t think I have seen one scrap of work leave this office since Monday. You fly out tomorrow morning. If you don’t get those submissions finished in the next hour, Grant is going to be busting my ass tomorrow wanting to know why they aren’t on his desk to review for Monday’s meeting. Do we need to have a mushy girly talk so you can work out what to do with Emily? I mean, I could say it in one sentence, but I am not sure you would be listening!”

  I chuckled at Zoe. “Since when did you become my relationship councilor? I have got it under control, Zoe, but thanks for the offer.”

  “My ass you have this under control, Zach. You aren’t even functioning normally you’re that wrapped up in your feelings for her. You are just too dumb and stubborn to do anything about it.”

  “Hey, you are supposed to be on my side, Zoe. Not telling me how dumb I am. I can actually figure that out myself, thanks very much.” I sighed and leant back in my chair as Zoe plonked into one of the other chairs facing me. “I don’t know what the right thing to do is Zoe. Do I do the right thing and try to protect us both from hurt, or do I throw caution to the wind and claim her?”

  Zoe’s face softened and the brave girl in front of me who was ready to lecture me turned into the lifelong friend who would do anything for me.” Ask yourself this, Zach - do you like Emily?”

  That was a really dumb question. “I think we both know it’s much more than like, Zoe. This is something that is so strong it is consuming every bone in me.”

  “Yes, I can see that. Would you take a bullet for her?”

  “Without hesitation, I would die for all three of them.”

  “Then why are we sitting here having this conversation? No matter the hurt that may or may not come later down the track, you are in love with Emily and you should be telling her and showing her at the first moment you get. We never know what life will bring us and you are wasting precious time” Zoe got up and walked to the door. Turning back to look at me she said “Take the next two days while you are away from Emily to think, and make a decision. Just realize you can’t continue the way you are. It will eat you both up and that will hurt more than you realize. Take it from me, I live it every day.” With that, she walked out the door. I knew she was talking about Luke and the lust they both had been circling around for years. She was so right, though. I needed to make a decision and then talk to Emily. This trip would be the time I needed to work out what I should do. What was best for us both.

  17

  Emily

  THE WEEK HAD come and gone quickly.

  Just getting into the routine of getting the kids to school, looking after Zach’s house and cooking nightly dinners ready for him to eat after he came home. He had been working late all week, so I hadn’t seen much of him. He had kept in touch by texting and ringing me, but I had a feeling that he was trying to keep his distance. I wanted to give him the distance he needed to settle after last weekend’s emotions, but I missed seeing him. Hopefully after he arrived back from his weekend away we could have time alone to talk. I needed to tell Zach how I felt and make him understand that I wanted to be with him. No matter what.

  Driving down the gravel road to home, it felt strange knowing that Zach wasn’t coming home tonight. He had flown out this morning and Alesha was following later today. The kids were in the back talking and laughing at the excitement of having their first sleep over tonight with Gruffy and Me-me. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do tonight. I had never had a night away from the twins since the day they were born. I was not even sure how I would cope. Could I stop worrying long enough to actually relax and enjoy some alone time? As we rounded the house, Gruffy’s truck was already parked in front of the garage. The kids were out of the car before I even came to a stop, racing towards the house to greet Me-me and Gruffy as they came out the door. As I stepped from the car, I realized that Lilly’s car was parked on the other side of the truck. I hope she wasn’t here thinking we would finally do that girl’s night out. I didn’t want to be too far from the kids in case they needed me.

  “Mommy, Aunty Lilly said you were going on a holiday with Prince Zach today,” Sammy announced as I walked into the kitchen. I stood looking stunned at the reception that was standing there waiting for me. Gruffy had Sophia and Samuel on his lap and they were already munching on cookies that I am guessing Me-me had baked for them. Standing next to them was Me-me, Lilly and Alesha with the biggest grins on their faces. They looked like they knew something I didn’t, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to find out.

  “Um, I am not sure what you are talking about Sammy. Zach has gone away for a couple of days and I am having a holiday away from you kids while you stay here. That is all.” The girls all started to laugh and Gruffy was just shaking his head.

  I looked at them knowing I was missing something. “All right, what is going on, what are you girls up to?” Lilly strode straight to me and put her arm around my shoulder.

  “Well we knew you two needed some time on your own to sort this all out, so we have changed the flight. You are going to take Alesha’s place on the plane this afternoon. You are flying to Zach to spend the weekend together. Get all dressed up and go
off to the awards ceremony. What you do with the rest of your weekend is up to you two.” She stood very proud of herself, looking at my face that must have looked like it was in shock. I didn’t know what to say. I just stood there frozen and not a word coming out. Me-me must have felt sorry for me as she dragged me out of Lilly’s arms and took me to the dining room, so we could talk without the kids. The girls followed because I was sure they didn’t want to miss any gossip.

  “I can’t do that, what about the kids? I have never left them. What if they need me?” I was starting to panic now. “It is very nice of the offer, but I have never even been on a plane, I wouldn’t know what to do and I definitely don’t have anything to wear to an awards ceremony. I wouldn’t have time to pack a bag, so I would miss the plane. You should just go, Alesha, and tell Zach I am sorry, I just couldn’t get there.”

  Lilly just laughed and said, “Don’t be silly, Emily, Zach doesn’t even know you are coming, it is a surprise. He thinks he is picking up Alesha from the airport. Instead, he will get a beautiful gift when you walk off the plane.”

  “Lilly, just let me talk to Emily on her own for a minute, please. You two get the bag from the cottage that I have packed and take it to your car. Emily will be there in a minute.” The girls took off out of the room and I heard the back-door banging.

  “Me-me, what is going on, I can’t do this. I just don’t know how to do this.” My heart was racing, and my hands were sweaty.

  Me-me put her hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes to make sure she had my attention. “Now take a breath, Emily, and listen to what I have to say. You have spent so many years struggling on your own and raising those kids. They love you with all their hearts. But you can’t give up your life for the sake of your kids. You will be a much better mother if you are happy in your own life. I believe for you to be happy you need to get my son to get his head out of his ass and admit he has fallen in love with you.” My breath stopped. She had to be kidding. Zach didn’t love me. I was struggling to get him to want to be with me. “I know you don’t believe me, but I know my son and I know he is so taken with you, but he has been hurt before. I don’t know what happened, but I watched my son look like he had died on the inside for a very long time. Until you came along. You have given him life again and I will forever be grateful you fell into our lives. But you have to want to do this. I am not forcing you to go. Do you want Zach? Do you feel the same as he does?” I could feel my face blush and tears spring to my eyes.

  “I have never felt before what I feel for Zach, he takes my breath away. I don’t know what it is, but I do know I really want to be with him. But what about the kids?”

  “Sweetheart, do you trust Gruffy and I?”

  “Of course, I do, I know you love them like I do.”

  “Right then, what is the problem? You can ring them whenever you want to and video chat with them from Zach’s phone and laptop. They can also call you if they need to. You are only two hours away if you need to get home in a hurry. I promise, we will not let them out of our sight. You deserve time for yourself. Take this time to find your true self. Please, Emily, just trust us.”

  I stood there with my head absolutely spinning. Could I do this? Could I leave the kids? More importantly, could I take the leap with Zach?

  “What if Zach doesn’t want me? I don’t know if I can take the hurt. It would make living here too hard.”

  Me-me hugged me again and whispered in my ear, “Take the chance, Emily, and trust me. I promise you won’t regret it.” I stayed there for a moment and took the love that I felt in the cuddle. It had been a long time since I had the feeling of my mother, but this felt pretty close. I took a deep breath and pulled away while clearing my head.

  “I don’t know if I am crazy, but I will do it. I just can’t let the opportunity to let him know how I feel go past, otherwise I may regret it forever.”

  “That’s the spirit, sweetie. Now let’s get you in that car and on the way to the airport.” Before I knew it, I was in the back of Lilly’s car and racing off down the driveway, with tears running down my face after an emotional goodbye with the kids. Mind you, it was only my tears. The kids were so excited to be staying with Me-me and Gruffy, whom they had adopted as their grandparents. Gruffy was listing off all the things they would be doing and even I got lost. I laid my head back on the seat and closed my eyes. Lilly and Alesha must have realized I needed a minute to get my head together and try to comprehend what I was about to do. After ten minutes Alesha turned around and smiled.

  “Are you okay, Emily? You don’t feel we have pushed you into this, do you? We can always turn around.”

  “Like hell we can she is getting on that plane, going to find Zach and spending the next two days doing the wild thing. They won’t come up for air until they need to get on the plane to come home.”

  “Lilly!” Alesha screamed. “You can’t say that to Emily,” I smiled because I wanted exactly that. I doubted that would happen, though there was a lot of talking that was needed first.

  “Of course, I can, we all know that is what they both need, to fuck it out and realize they are meant to be together.” My laughing was so loud, I couldn’t help it. Alesha shook her head and just looked at me, mouthing sorry and hitting Lilly in the arm.

  “Girls, it’s okay, but I don’t think that is what will happen. I am just looking for time on our own to talk without the kids interrupting so we can sort out where we are heading. Now I need your help. What the hell did your Mom pack for me and what am I going to do about a dress to wear tonight to the awards ceremony. I won’t have time to shop when I get there, plus I don’t really have much money saved.” I dropped my head a little at the embarrassment of being poor.

  “Don’t worry about one little thing, Emily. Most of the clothes in your bag are all new ones that Alesha and I shopped for this week, including some new sexy lingerie to help the cause. That is our gift for you and maybe our gift to Zach, too,” she chuckled. “When you get to the motel, there will be a package delivered with a dress, shoes and accessories for you to wear tonight. Just trust us, Em.”

  “Why is everyone saying that to me today? I have given out more trust in the last hour than I have in my whole life,” I mumbled to myself while the girls laughed at me.

  We were almost at the airport when my heart started to thump. “Girls, I have never flown on a plane before. I have no idea what I am doing. I am crapping myself.”

  “Don’t worry, we will get you on the plane here and Zach will be waiting at the gate when you get there. He will take it from there. Just relax and enjoy it.”

  Like it was that easy just to relax. Who were they kidding? God, I hope I was doing the right thing.

  18

  Zach

  IT HAD BEEN a long day.

  I had flown early this morning, so I could attend a couple of meetings with suppliers who were also out here for the awards night. There was no need for Alesha to have to sit through the boring meetings, so she decided she would fly out later in the day. My last meeting had cancelled so I had spent a few hours sitting on the balcony of the suite at the motel, taking time to try and sort myself out. Emily had consumed my thoughts all week, but now, sitting here looking over the view of the city she was all I could think about.

  My Dad had called into the office yesterday and taken me out to lunch. I didn’t realize how much I needed someone to talk to about my life. I had never really been one to seek out the deep and meaningful talks with my parents, but I always knew they were there if I needed to. Lunch started out as the normal catch up, chatting about jobs at work and different things. Eventually, though, we got around to the kids and Emily. I knew how Dad felt about them and I could see in his face he really loved them and considered them part of his family now.

  When Dad asked me how I felt about Emily, I tried to give a brief explanation on how we were good friends. He just looked at me and said okay, now tell me the truth. You don’t lie to your father. He called
me out and I was vulnerable. Then I realized that I actually did want to talk to him about this. I was lost and needed help. I knew I could trust my Dad.

  “Emily is the first woman, Dad, that I can say has absolutely floored me. She has my heart in her hands and could squash it with one finger. I didn’t even make a choice to give her my heart. She had it from the first day she opened the door to me. It was like I was smacked in the chest with her eyes and she reached out to my heart and took it. My feelings for her are overwhelming. I want to be there to protect her, keep her safe, make her happy, take away her stress, but most of all, I want to love her.” This stopped me dead in my tracks. I had just admitted not only to my Dad, but to myself, that I was in love with Emily. It had taken me back, but I knew it was the truth.

  “Zach, sometimes life throws things at us at the time we least expect it and sometimes in a way we never expect. To find Emily and the kids the way you did took you by surprise. That is what love does. It takes no prisoners. I remember the day I met your mother as clear as if it was yesterday. She served me a coffee at the café I went in to grab some breakfast before work. It was a different café to my normal one. I stood in line waiting to order, watching her the whole time and absolutely crapping myself. She had the most beautiful hair tied up loosely on the top of her head and a smile that made me speechless. It was my turn and I couldn’t even tell her my order. She was so confident that she laughed at me and gave me cheek for being shy. She gave me a coffee made the way she thought