Descendants of Hagar

by Nik Nicholson

  “Lots of niggas been wronged by each other, but the Klan ain’t never thought to step in on they behalf.” Daddy look at me, then over his shoulder at the men avoiding my eyes.

  “I didn’t ask nobody to step in. I wouldn’t do that, Daddy. You got to believe me.”

  He don’t say nothing, he just look at me, tasting my words or feeling for more of his own.

  Reverend look over at me and then he start. “We’ll have another meeting Tuesday, just us Zion folk, and I’ll carry Linny’s vote.”

  “I won’t just give up my vote. I won’t be shut out of my own town. I won’t not know what’s going on. That ain’t no vote if you don’t understand what you voting for.”

  “We done voted,” Daddy say and wind his hand around like he counting all the men in the room.

  “I don’t deserve this,” I say looking around at everyone. That’s when they start putting their hats on and leaving. “I begged Mr. Beaumont not to let them be hung. I didn’t want this to happen,” I’m pleading, and they still leaving.

  I’ve been shunned, and not the kind when someone does something wrong. Some folks still talk to them. Other folks done found the silence so hard they leave, but when they come back, Zion be home again. Not like this, Iain never seen nobody shunned out of fear. If they scared of me, or think I could get them hung, they’ll never speak to me again. No matter how many years go by, they be thinking I’m after them, and my eyes The Council’s eyes. They be raising they kids to believe that, to be scared of me.

  “Good evening, ma’am,” Jasper resolve taking his leave, and then Obadiah and Reynar. “Good evening, ma’am.”

  One by one they cast me out. My own brothers follow without so much as a word; I watch them go, until it’s just me, Daddy and The Reverend.

  “How you git that filling station?” Daddy pressing his finger into the back of a pew like he could crush it with just that one.

  “I asked for it,” I stare at him, feeling him gathering his thoughts, ready to render his verdict.

  “Who you think you is? Who you think I’m is? Think I’m stupid? I’m some kinda jack cain’t hardly read cause I been in the sun and fields too long to have good sense?”

  “Iain thought or said none of that.” I watch him move around. He stay away from me, and I feel how much things have changed. I feel the space between us. Feel like we strangers, like he don’t know me no more. “Why things cain’t go on being how they is, was? Why cain’t you still just be my daddy like you been doing? Why you got to make everything bout what I got and what chu ain’t got? Everything I got I try to share, but you won’t let me.”

  “You got to be the proudest, most selfish gal ever born. You one crazy nigga if you think I’m gone take blood money from you. You done stole the family inheritance. Now you finna git yah own uncles hung. I cain’t take a dime from you, or I’ll never be able to hold my head up.”

  “Iain take nothing. It was given to me, and Miemay left other folks money. Iain the only one got something from ‘a dying. Besides that, I promised ‘a I’d keep it on ‘a death bed. Iain know all this stuff was what she was talking bout.”

  “How you ain’t know she was giving you all her land, and the store? How you surprised? She started training you to run that store soon as you could read, write and count good. You ain’t dense.

  “She had you telling Uncle Victor nem what to do, going behind them checking they figures, and balancing them books. All the meetings and thangs she had you doing on ‘a behalf, and you want folks to believe that ol’ woman done got one over on you? Nall, maybe you thinkin we all some crazy niggas. Even if I believed you didn’t trick Miemay, I won’t never believe you ain’t know or ain’t have no idea.”

  “That’s not fair, Daddy. I lived with Miemay most days. I was helping ‘a out with ‘a businesses, same way I was raised to help you out on yo land. You taught me a lot about fixing things, taking care of animals, planting and harvesting. Even though you what’n never gone give me none of the land, cause I what’n no boy. I what’n raised to help expecting nothing. You use to tell my brothers this yo land, and take care of this cause it’s gone be yours one day. You ain’t never said none of that to me, but Iain never worked less or felt slighted. It’s just the way it is for a girl child.

  “So Iain never think nothing of helping Miemay, and learning what she needed me to know. You know she couldn’t read, and you know how Uncle Victor nem is. They was always trying to get over on ‘a, and she knew it, too. She needed somebody she could trust to help, who didn’t want nothing from ‘a and I was there. If they took too much, she couldn’t help folks who really needed.”

  I look over at The Reverend, and I’m waiting for him to say what he know bout Miemay. I want him to go over what he told us all that one Sunday. I want him to stand behind me now, but he don’t say a word.

  Looking at The Reverend, too, Daddy look like he done tasted something bad. “And Ion even believe nothing Patrick got to say outside what’s in that Bible. And if we let Miemay tell it, we cain’t be too sure bout that neither. She ain even wont him to be pastor of this church. That’s the reason why she ain’t hardly come.

  “Cain’t prove it, but he ran that other boy out of Zion cause he what’n from here. Wonder who told the Klan bout him?” He look over at The Reverend, who acting like what Daddy saying don’t even need to be honored. “That other boy was tied in to all them Negro groups. He was changing things, trying to git us some rights. He came here helping folks git jobs, and git set up to move. I what’n going but lots of folks left.”

  Staring at The Reverend and challenging his righteous pose, Daddy say, “You ain’t wont people leaving. Trying to keep some money for yourself.”

  “These all lies. What Linny did and said to ‘a real father ain’t got nothing to do with me. Ain’t no cause for you to be pulling me in yo family problems, and dragging me through the mud. Iain never used the Klan against nobody,” Reverend look at me and I feel like he accusing me too, or even, like he lying on me.

  Then I know. I remember him telling me that if it what’n for Miemay’s vote, he would have never became Zion’s pastor. We lock eyes, and he know I see him now.

  Things start to come clear. Why no matter how many times Mrs. Harper said I was the daughter she never had, Iain never felt welcomed. Iain never felt like I was a real part of their family. No matter how many times they invited me to they house, I could never get comfortable. Now I understand.

  I wonder if Mrs. Harper and Reverend Patrick ain’t been telling Hunter Beaumont, bout how they was having me over all the time. How they was raising me since my own family didn’t really want me. All along they knew Hunter Beaumont was my father. They knew that if they was in good with me, it’d mean they had the ear of the council and more power here in Zion.

  Now all this done happen, Reverend can tell me what he wont about Zion business meetings, and run game on me like he do all the white folks. The Harpers always knew this day would come, when no one would trust me and people would fear me. It was a privilege to have me eat with them. They never really cared about me, or how I felt. Part of me wonder if Reverend ain’t told Hunter Beaumont about me and my uncles getting into it.

  I start to feel ashamed that I trusted Mrs. Harper, and asked ‘a advice about so many things. I start to think about what Reverend told me bout digging Miemay’s grave, and I don’t know what to believe no more. I remember Reverend Patrick is slippery. Miemay use to say if anybody going to hell, Reverend be the first one in line for being twofaced. Never know which one to trust. I feel lost.

  “Me and Patrick grew up together. I know who he really is,” Daddy say keeping his eye on Reverend. “He might be the pastor of this church and know The Word better than anybody else, but he got his own agenda. He always has and always will.

  “Watch who yo friends is, and make sure they ain’t cho enemies. Now he wont us all to believe Miemay asked him to watch over you, and didn’t tell him why. Maybe Massa Beaumont tol
d him to watch over you, but Ion believe Miemay got one over on him and you. That woman what’n even the kind of person to be gittin over on people.”

  “She outsmarted lots of folks,” I defend ‘a. “Miemay may not have been book smart, but she saw to running all kinds of businesses. Ain’t just me. She done got others to do what she thought was right. She ain sat on no committee of men and been dumb ‘aself. And what I know about expecting anything from ‘a. I’m so far down the line, didn’t never cross my mind she’d be leaving me nothing.”

  “And you spect me to believe you ain’t know she was building that house for you?”

  Taking in the empty church, and looking at the porch, I remember again in disbelief. I cain’t hardly say it, but I didn’t. “Yeah, she was good to me. Waited til it was built to die.”

  I take another deep breath and remember who she was, how she was, and I miss ‘a right now. I wish she was here to tell ’em all what ‘a plans was. Wish she was here to take responsibility for this, and say this was all her idea. Wish she was here to protect me the way she did all my life. Wish she was here to speak for me, but she ain’t.

  “You gone cry now. Just like any other woman, think tears gone change the truth, gone gitcho way. Ain’t gone work this time. You done done too much, too much done happened. And I’m gone have to step away from you.”

  “Please?” I beg my daddy to love me, to stay in my life, even though I know he ain’t got no cause to. Even though I know he ain’t really my daddy, by most folk’s standards. He did more than he had to, more than most men would have if they was put in the same position. I’m hoping something I’ve done or said, or our relationship will change his mind.

  I see it in his eyes though, that he done already decided. He ain’t even angry no more, after all this talking, he just done with me. I step closer to ’im and he step back shaking his head “no.” We ain never been the type of family to hug or touch each other, but for some reason I just wanna put my hand on his shoulder.

  He keep shaking his head, then ease off the steps of the church. “I cain’t do nothing with this. It’s too much. You got that filling station cause of who yo real daddy is. He wouldn’t let no other nigga do that fore you come along ‘just asking,’ cause it woulda cut into the business of ‘Ol Man Parson’s station. Now he even gone have a road come through here. Then you got Diamond Beaumont coming round here talking bout how you her nigga sister. This ain’t right, it just ain’t right.

  “I’m a man. I’m the head of this family. Iain protect my wife. Now the daughter I raised like my own, gone go to the man done did what he did, and ask him for something. How you think that make me feel?”

  “Daddy, it what’n like that. I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t know he was my father when I submitted the proposal.” I’m controlling my breathing. I breathe deep. I’m trying to keep myself from crying.

  “Iain cho daddy. Yo daddy got that filling station for yah. Now every time I go in town, I got to be reminded of what he put this whole family through. My family, ain’t yorn.”

  “Iain got to have no filling station. Iain know it was this big of a deal, Daddy. I wouldn’t have never done nothing to make you feel bad.”

  “Stop calling me ‘Daddy,’ girl. We ain’t kin, me and you ain’t nothing. You the misses living here amongst us common niggas.”

  “Ain’t true. I’ll close down that filling station.”

  “Cain’t do that, then that be my fault, too. Town need the money, and the outsiders that station be bringing here. You and yo daddy filling station bringing a road. That be jobs for the men of Zion. That be food on they table. You good for Zion, and everybody else, but you was always a curse for me and yo Mama.”

  He start breathing deep, too, and I feel my heart beating fast. “Truth be told, Miemay ain’t even really yo grandmother, and that’s why all this so wrong. You ain’t even mine, and got inheritance ain’t even yorn.”

  “But you the only daddy I ever knew, and that man ain’t said two words to me bout being no relation. Yall all I got. Miemay was all I had.” I cain’t help but cry. “Iain never speak to Hunter Beaumont directly bout that filling station. I just sent a proposal like any other nigga do. Iain ask for no special consideration on account of anything. Maybe he done whatever he done out of guilt.”

  “Well, iffin it is cause of guilt, he needed to die with that guilt after what he did to ya mama. He ain’t need no way to redeem hisself. He shouldn’t never sleep another peaceful night. After the way he beat ‘a, and bruised ‘a. Not once, but kept on coming for ‘a. It’s crazy how a white man can tell a nigga to work in his house, and the nigga cain’t say no. She ain even tell me what was going on. Said, what could I have done anyhow, wouldn’t have done nothing but got myself hung.”

  “Oh, Daddy,” I cry gulping for air, holding my hand to my mouth. “Iain know. Iain even know it was that bad. Iain know it kept happening, I thought yall was the Hilliard house couple.”

  “I told ‘a she couldn’t never go back there when I found out. Then he came and got us, took us to the Hilliard’s old place, tied me to a tree and whupped me. Then she had to go in that condemned shack with ’im to save my life. She shoulda let me hang!”

  “Please? Daddy?” I cry wonting to touch ’im, wonting to comfort ’im. “Iain know that filling station would make you feel bad. I hate that I’m a reminder of what happened. I won’t do nothing else to be a burden.”

  “You don’t never thank about nobody but yah own narrow yella tail.”

  “I thought this would help the town. Iain know it would effect you and Mama. I already know things is bad with what happened after Miemay died. I wouldn’t’ve of ever wanted to cause no more hardships.”

  Breathing deep and seeming to swallow every word I say he look at me. “When I fell in love with ya mama and asked for ‘a hand, I promised ‘a she wouldn’t never be alone. Promised I would see ‘a through hell or high water.” Banging his hand on the banister he say, “Sometimes I feel, that I let ‘a down.”

  “You did all you could, Daddy.”

  “What’n enough. I’d rather be hung, than send my wife to lay with another man, and against ‘a will. I wanted to kill ’im, but she was carrying a baby for ’im, and she begged me, saying she needed a man to help raise our kids. Said she ain wont to give birth alone. Said our kids needed they daddy. Sometimes I looked at you and wondered what kinda daddy, I was.”

  “A good one.”

  “Nah, coulda been better.”

  “I won’t keep the station. Just give me a few days to make this right.”

  “You cain’t refuse his help. He be asking why, and then all this come down on the family. Then what we tell the town? Those men gone be working on the road, and all the folks in town looking forward to visitors’ money?”

  “I need you, Daddy. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t turn yo back on me. I need you. I just made a mistake. I’ll take all the blame on myself. I’ll go to ’im and curse’m for what he did to Mama.”

  “This ain’t about you now, what you need. Fact is, I was always worried bout what you needed. Shoulda gave you away when you was born. But after I held you, I didn’t expect yah mama would hold it against you how you came to be. She did.

  “You was the best child, and the rest of ’em was good, too, but you had your ways. You was strong as any man, thought a lot and didn’t go round running after boys like ya sisters. You was made of good stock, a different stock, better stock some folks would argue. And when I use to think about it, I realized the only thing different from you and them, is me. Iain never know if I thought you was better, cause you was so much like me, or because you what’n mine at all.

  “The Harpers, Mrs. Harper really, couldn’t have nothing but boys doted on you. Begged us to give you to ’em fore you knew any difference. I what’n sure if they was doing it for the right reasons. They always got something going on, always trying to figure out a way to git over on somebody. Still it might have been better
for you.

  “But then they had all them sons, and they what’n no relation, and I’m thinking bout putting a yella girl in a house of men. Ya mama already had been through what she been through. Iain wont you to have to go through that, too. Just thought you’d be safer with yo own brothers.

  “Now I don’t know, even if they got they own reasons, good and bad, maybe I should have gave you away. Specially seeing how Pastor sons acting like they yo brothers, and he acting like ya daddy.” He look at Reverend Patrick and say, “Mrs. Harper done got ‘a wish.”

  “You my daddy.”

  “Nall,” he say and look at me sad like he might cry, too, and say, “Nall I ain’t.”

  “Please.” I rush off the porch and wrap my arms round him. Trying to hold on to ’im. It’s worse than wrapping yah arms round a tree. The tree don’t fight back. I take them licks. He push me off, and I close my eyes and hold on, but he beat me, get me off of’im. Then throw me to the ground.

  “Stop crying, girl! You ain’t never been no weak child, or no damned cry baby. Be strong. I raised you to be strong. This how it’s gone be. And,” his voice break like he crying, too, just ain’t no tears, “I wish you the best with all this.” He step back throwing his arms up.

  Getting up, I dust myself off. “Iain crying,” I say, wiping my face, pushing dirt in my eyes and it sting ’em, but I stand stern, like a tree. I lift my chin and straighten my back, and look at ’im good. This time he for real I know, and this time I’m on my own.

  “You have a good evening, too, sir. Thank you for your time.” I step back on the church porch, gasping for breath, letting go, feeling alone and watching him mount his horse, then go.

  Chapter Forty

  WORRIED

  “Are you going to stay angry with me forever? I can’t stand you not talking to me.” All while Coley talking, she climbing in the bed with me. When I don’t reach out to hold ‘a, she start scooting into me, getting close as she can.