Alpha Erased

by Aileen Erin

  Dastien handed me the first plate to rinse. “So, what are you studying?”

  With the dishes between us, it seemed easier to talk to him. “Psychology.”

  He took the plate from me and gave me another. “Why?” He asked as he put the dish in the dishwasher.

  “If you think that it’s because of my accident, you’d be wrong. I was already a year into my degree when that happened. I just find it fascinating to understand how the mind works.” I handed him the dish, but he was just standing there, watching me. “And once I’m done, I’ll be able to help people. Which also seems good. I want to be useful.”

  He took the dish, but stood still, staring at me. “You don’t feel useful right now?”

  Why did I tell him that?

  And then it hit me. I knew why I had the headache earlier and why I was spilling my guts now to these people.

  I’d forgotten to take my meds today.

  And I was sure they didn’t give me any while I was in the hospital. It wasn’t like they could just order them up. That meant I was at least five doses behind today. Add in six from yesterday, and one from the night before…

  I never ever got that behind, but with the hospital stay—and then rushing out to take my test—apparently, I’d forgotten.

  Mother was going to be so pissed. There was no way I was going to tell her. There was nothing left to do but catch up. I’d take my next dose as soon as I got back to my apartment.

  “Why don’t you feel useful?” he asked me again.

  “Oh, I mostly feel like a waste of space, and Mother hates that I’m going to school.” I tried to say the words like they didn’t matter, like I didn’t care. But that was a lie. I totally cared. “She thinks I should be in a mental institution.”

  God. I shouldn’t have said that either. What was wrong with me tonight?

  The plate in Dastien’s hands slipped from his fingers and broke into a million pieces when it hit the floor.

  “It’s okay.” Breaking a plate wasn’t that big of a deal. “I can clean that up.” And it would give me a break from giving him way too much information about myself.

  I turned off the water, dropped into a squat, and started picking up all the big pieces first.

  Dastien let out a long breath and then lowered next to me. “Why would she want you in an institution?”

  I really shouldn’t have brought that up. I wouldn’t normally, but I was off my meds and something about Dastien was soothing. I wasn’t sure if it was because he was so big and quiet, or if it was the way he watched me, or something else, but I felt like I could tell him anything. But I shouldn’t. I knew I shouldn’t, especially when I didn’t want him to think I was crazy.

  “It’s not what you think—it’s not an institution like you’d see on TV that are like jails and gross and dirty. I wouldn’t have to wear pajamas all day or get herded to and from my room. No orderlies are running around there, tackling patients in the halls and stabbing them with needles.”

  He huffed a laugh. “That’s not so bad then.”

  “It’s really not.” I glanced up at him for a second, but I couldn’t hold his gaze. Something about the way he was staring at me was too much. Too intense. Too raw.

  I cleared my throat and went back to picking up the last of the larger pieces. “It’s really this gorgeous mansion in the country. There are all kinds of classes—yoga, art, literature. They don’t allow a lot of patients in, and all of them are high functioning, like me. It’s almost like a luxury retreat, but with on-site support.”

  I dumped the pieces into the trash and grabbed a piece of paper towel to gather up the smaller bits of the plate. “I was being overly dramatic. Since my accident, Mother doesn’t want to worry about me. It would be easier for everyone—mostly her—if I would just agree to live in a home. That way, she could keep constant tabs on me.”

  “So, a little like a jail.”

  I laughed. “I guess.” I threw the smaller bits into the trash and got back to rinsing the dishes. “I lost it a while ago, and I ran away. I had this obsessive urge to climb a mountain. Like I needed to get there or someone would die. It was stupid, but I just get the feeling sometimes that I’m living a lie. Sometimes that feeling overwhelms me. When Mother found me, it wasn’t pretty. Ever since then, she’s really wanted me in the institution, but the doctors adjusted my meds, and I’m feeling better now.”

  “Meds?” His hands were clenched in tight fists. He probably thought I was going to freak out on him.

  Oh man. If there was a chance that he liked me, it was probably long gone now. Telling him my mother wanted me institutionalized and that I was on meds was a massive error.

  I rinsed another dish and held it out for him. He grabbed the plate, and I reached for the next. “My meds are holistic. They’re not prescriptions you can fill at any pharmacy. They’re all herbal made specifically for me by my doctor.”

  “Herbal? Made for you?” There was a snap, and I looked up at him.

  He was holding a dish in his hands, but it had snapped in two.

  His jaw was clenched and twitching, and he was gripping the two pieces of the plate so tight that his hands were shaking. If I didn’t know better, I would’ve thought he was angry about something.

  I took the plate from him and threw it into the trash. “Wow. You have some grip.” I was trying to lighten the mood, but it didn’t work. At all.

  He was standing there huffing and puffing as he breathed, and his eyes were squeezed tight.

  Something was wrong with him. “Are you okay?”

  “Tu lui fais peur, mec,” Chris said in flawless French. You’re scaring her.

  Chris thought I was scared?

  I spun to look at him over the kitchen’s bar. “Je vais bien. Mais est-ce qu’il va bien?”

  “Tu parles francais?” Dastien asked, drawing my attention back to him.

  “Oui.” I touched his face. “Are you okay?”

  “Sorry.” He turned away from me, going to get the last of the dishes. “When did you learn French?” he asked from the dining room.

  I sighed, not understanding what was going on, but I guessed he was okay. I didn’t really need to understand him or what had just happened, but I wanted to.

  Chris came to stand in the kitchen. “I’m curious about that, too. Your accent is really good.”

  “Oh, umm…” The dishwasher was nearly full, so I poured dishwashing liquid into the sink and started washing the larger platters and dishes that were piled up. “I had a lot of free time when I was in the hospital after the accident, and I ended up watching some foreign films. Some of them were in French. Those were my favorites.” I piled the dishes on the drying rack as I went. “But really only because of the language. I didn’t understand a word of it, but I found myself playing them at night so that I could go to sleep. Something about the sound of it felt like home. It was comforting, and I really needed that.”

  “That makes sense.” Cosette came to stand with Chris. “French is such a lovely language.”

  “Yeah. It is.” I kept washing to keep busy, but my nerves were creeping in. I hoped I hadn’t upset Dastien somehow.

  “Anyway, one day I was really bored, and I decided why not learn it. I got a computer program that teaches you in, like, four weeks, and it came with a link to do video chats with native speakers so that I could work on my accent.”

  Dastien came back into the kitchen. His usually tanned skin looked a little pale.

  “Are you okay?”

  He nodded.

  “Was my accent okay?”

  “Oui. Parfait.”

  If it was perfect, then why was he upset? “Did I say something wrong? I feel like I did something, but I don’t—”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong.” He brushed his fingertips down my cheek. “Everything is okay. I was just surprised that you knew French, but you spoke beautifully.” He pressed his lips together. It wasn’t a smile, but it still showed a hint of the dimples t
hat I was growing to love.

  I smiled, hoping to ease some of the tension. “That’s a relief. I haven’t had anyone to talk to in a while. The subscription ran out, and it seemed silly to renew once I was back in class. I didn’t really have time for it. I was sad that I might forget it, but…”

  “I’d be happy to talk to you in French anytime you want.” He tucked a little bit of my hair behind my ear.

  “Really? You wouldn’t mind?”

  “It would be a treat.”

  He moved past me and popped a tablet into the dishwasher. I watched him turn the machine on while I dried my hands, wondering if I should just go ahead and leave. Even if he said I hadn’t done anything wrong, I got the feeling that something was upsetting him.

  Plus, I needed my meds before I started acting crazy. “I know I said I’d stay, but I probably should—”

  Cosette stepped forward, hooking her arm in mine. The warm feeling slipped over me again, and I let her pull me into the living room.

  “Cleanup is done, and that means we get final say on the movie while the boys bring us dessert,” she said. “Chris and I already narrowed it down to five.”

  I tried to say no, but Cosette pushed me toward a seat on the couch, and they started debating over the movie before finally turning one on. It seemed awkward to leave now, so I stayed.

  I didn’t really care what we watched. I was just glad to be included, and they didn’t make a big thing about me being new. It was almost like hanging out with old friends. It was like I knew them from somewhere. Some other life.

  My headache started to come back, and I thought about leaving. But Dastien came over with a warm brownie and some ice cream on top, and I couldn’t leave. Not yet.

  I took a bite and moaned. “Oh my God. This is the best ice cream in the world. How did I live before now?” I kicked off my flip-flops, tucked my feet under me, and settled back against the cushions.

  Dastien sat next to me. “I’ll just have to make sure I keep it stocked so you keep coming over.” He tapped his spoon to mine. “Cheers.”

  A surprised laugh bubbled up, out, and free before I could stop it.

  I knew I needed to get back to my apartment. I had to take my meds on a schedule, or I’d start to go a little insane with this need to run away again, but I couldn’t make myself move. Cosette was sitting across Chris’s lap in a love seat, laughing at the movie.

  The couch was so comfortable that it was almost like lying on a cloud. I stretched out, resting my feet on the pouf, and I realized that this might be a dream. Everything was exactly how I always wanted it, and I had friends and this guy who seemed interested in me.

  Dastien was sitting close, not close enough to touch, but close enough for me to feel the warmth from his body. We were already a third of the way through the movie, and I didn’t want tonight to end. Cosette said something to Dastien, but I wasn’t paying attention. My stomach was full for the first time in a long time, and I felt safe, comfortable, happy.

  When my eyes got heavy, I tried to fight it, but then a soft blanket covered me and I couldn’t anymore.

  I drifted off to Dastien’s soft voice talking to Chris in French. I couldn’t understand the words. Sleep was just too close for that. But the sound, the cadence, the texture of his voice had this soft growl-like timbre to it that soothed me in just the right way.

  And just as I was about to tip over into sleep, I felt lips brush against my forehead. I smelled pine and earth and home.

  “Je t’aime, chérie.”

  “I missed you so much, Dastien.” The words were out, and I couldn’t think too hard about what they meant. But this was such a nice dream. I didn’t want to wake up in the morning and be in a hospital again.

  I hoped this wasn’t another one of my delusions.

  “Don’t let them take me again. I’m too tired to fight anymore.” My voice was heavy with sleep, and I couldn’t make my eyes open even if I wanted to. “I’m just so, so tired. I don’t have anything left.”

  “Sleep now. I’m here, and no one will take you from me again.” The way he said it, without a hint of question or doubt, had me relaxing the last little bit.

  And with that, I fell into the first deep, dreamless sleep that I’d had in months.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  DASTIEN

  “She’s asleep.” I’d been fighting my wolf for the last two hours, and finally, I could relax a little. Tessa wouldn’t see my amber eyes or how tenuous my control was anymore. I didn’t want to scare her before, but now she was asleep in my lap.

  I brushed my hand through her hair. The words she’d said just before she fell asleep both scared me and gave me hope. Those had been Tessa’s words. Not Cassie’s. That was the real Tessa I’d talked to. The one that had been kidnapped and hidden for so long.

  I was getting her back, bit by bit.

  Since she was asleep, I could hold her and see through the magic. She was painfully thin, but her color was better than it’d been in the elevator. The scent of death and decay wasn’t as strong. Which meant we had time if the fey stayed away.

  Cosette lowered the volume of the TV and came to sit on the pouf in front of me. “We can’t let her take any more of the meds she talked about.”

  “I know.” I wasn’t even planning on letting her go back to that apartment. I needed to find a way to get her out of here without the magic reacting and attacking her.

  “Whatever they are, we have to assume it’s made her more susceptible to my mother’s magic.” She looked at Chris for a second, and then back to me. “Chris texted Claudia, and she said that she wasn’t given anything but fluids in the hospital. Which means she’s been cleansed from whatever that potion is for days. Unless she took some when she got home, which we can’t find out now. I would go into her apartment and take them, but the doors are warded. My mother would know and—”

  “She was here.” I looked up at Cosette. “Tessa spoke to me.” My voice shook, and I tried to hang on. I didn’t want to wake up Tessa with my crying, but that’s all I wanted to do. I wanted to pick her up, cradle her against my body, and let all of my emotions out.

  But that wouldn’t solve anything.

  Tessa needed me to be strong.

  Later. When I had her back, I would talk to her. I would tell her everything that happened while she was gone. But not now. Not yet.

  I let out a shaky breath. “I can’t lose her again.”

  “We won’t let her out of our sight. When she wakes up in the morning, we’ll convince her to skip class, to stay with us until it’s time to go to the concert.” Cosette stood over Tessa and touched her cheek.

  “When I touched her forehead after she saw Chris’s painting, I was terrified. I want to lie to you and say that she’s going to be fine, but for a scary second there, I thought she might die on the spot. I’ve seen healthier looking skeletons.”

  “She can’t—”

  Cosette gripped my hand. “I swear to you that the magic is weakening. She’s still impossibly thin, but her color’s better.” Cosette reached toward Tessa and then hissed, quickly pulling her hand back. “Damn it. I still can’t get through the magic. Earlier I just helped soothe her. I didn’t want to make it worse, but now…” She looked at me.

  I didn’t like the confusion on her face. She was supposed to be the expert.

  “I don’t understand.” Cosette touched Tessa again. “The magic is thinner than cobwebs, but…oh. Right.”

  “What?”

  “It’s still in her soul. It needs…you. You’re her True Mate. When your bond comes back, it’ll break the magic.”

  That wasn’t a revelation. I still didn’t know how to make it come back when it shouldn’t have been gone. Nothing should’ve ever taken our bond. Nothing except death.

  I ran my fingertips down her face. “She feels so fragile.”

  “She is. Anytime someone puts that much magic on a person…it’s not good long term, but Tessa is strong. She can overco
me this. You can, too.” Cosette straightened. “She’ll get stronger. It’ll take time, but I don’t doubt it for a second.”

  Cosette got up and went to sit on the loveseat with Chris.

  I wanted to believe that Tessa would get stronger, but I knew that would take weeks—maybe months—to get her to gain enough weight. The amount of food it took for any werewolf to gain weight when we burned so many calories was a lot. And the more alpha the wolf, the more food you needed.

  She was going to hate every second of it. She’d whine about how all that chewing was getting old.

  I closed my eyes and pictured us in our house. I could almost see myself shoving food at her, and her yelling at me to leave her alone.

  I would love every second of it. Every bit of bitching and moaning and whining.

  Because hearing all of that would mean that she was free. That she was with me. That we could be at our house and have a life together again.

  God. I wanted to take her home. So badly. I wanted to see her face when she saw how it turned out. I hoped she liked it.

  No, I knew she’d love the house and everything inside it. From the look on her face when she saw this apartment, I knew I’d gotten at least that much right. It was even better than this place that was thrown together in a few hours.

  There was a tap on my shoulder, and I opened my eyes to see Cosette standing in front of me.

  “What is it?”

  “I’ve been talking to Chris. I changed my mind. I want to go check something inside her apartment, but I can’t do that without your permission.”

  “Why?”

  “Going inside means breaking the seals—it’d be like setting off an alarm—but I can’t stop thinking…I need to know more about the magic on her. Something about it doesn’t make sense to me. There has to be a clue inside her apartment. Something that I can use to help you break this magic. Her apartment wouldn’t be warded if there wasn’t something in there.”

  An alarm meant that we’d have to leave here, but that was fine by me. I wasn’t letting her out of my sight, and I couldn’t stay if the fey were watching her so closely. We were going to have to convince Tessa to leave here somehow.